If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?

Joined-Up Government  =  Joined–Up Responsibility

ODA  :  Illustrating The Continuity of Crap

ODA  :  Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater

*************************************************************************************************

THE DAILY ENLIGHTENMENT
:2013:
Textual Relations

Food for The Soul:

*************************************************************************************************

2013 : WEEK 38 : Day 265
SUNDAY  22-September-2013

IT IS SUNDAY, THE REST DAY, SO WE ARE,

just about – see below.

Book of Job  :  ChI V.I

+ + +

That said, we break from Sabbath practice usual to bring a recently received and very timely

Daily Enlightenment (!)

Dear X.
You are cordially invited to join me and the other
non-princess, straight-thinking, clear-seeing boys & girls
on our  NEW UKIP SLUT-WALK  today.
Dress in your best/worst punk grunge, or, in your case,
just come as you are,
(I’ve found a smashing Mary Quant mini-skirt in a charity shop)
Do hope to see you.
Godfrey.
X.
PS. Please don’t bring anyone called Nigel.

+ + +

ODA H&S NOTICE

From last week:
In the interests of public sanity
we broke our practice usual of attempt at humour

and then
slipped regretfully into tragedy

We here, regretfully and inelegantly repeat yet again:

UK : PLACES to AVOID
POLTICo MAIN CONFERENCES PUBLIC (!) 2013:

LibDem: (Autumn Conference : 2 of 2 of year)
GLASGOW
Saturday 14 September  to  Wednesday 18th September 2013.
Labour:
BRIGHTON
Sunday 22 September  to  Wednesday 25 September 2013. (Oh wot joy HAS come)
Con’s (par excellence but now looking over their shoulder at the jockey Nigel and mount):
MANC
Sunday 29th September  to  Wednesday 2nd October 2013. (Oh wot odours of joy to come)

For Survivors:
Decontamination units have been placed at all major traffic junctions
@ ~10 miles distance around the centres of this annual competition for

THE UK POLITICo PROFESSIONAL BULLSHITTER OF THE YEAR COMPETITION
for
JUST WHO CAN SELL THE BUGGERS THE BIGGEST ONE THIS YEAR ?

The Tony Blair Memorial Cup will be presented to the winner
in The Members Tea Room, after prayers, first Monday in Advent.

*************************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************************

SUPER SUPER  (well not that bad – actually)  NOTES:

NOTICE

Due to illness we’ve largely suspended the regulars:
The Daily Asspect  +  The Weekly Look-Back
for the time being.
Do hope to be back up to speed shortly.
In the meantime, we’ve metamorphosed at least               
The Daily Asspect + Weekly Look-Back into one
to the head of
THE WOM PAGE
+
Copy of the Daily Enlightenment below
UPDATE:
At Trinity Weekend:
Daily Textuals + Weekly Look-back   stumbling back to life  . . . ……

****************************************************************************************************

SUPER NOTES:

MEAGRE OFFERINGS PREVIOUS OF THE WEEK PAST + THE YEAR TO DATE
ARE BELOW THE HEAD NOTES,  errrrrr below this

THE RUNNING RECENT DAILIES:
ARE NOW ALSO PUT TO DAILY POST ‘BLOG’

THE PREVIOUS YEARS ARCHIVES ARE ACCESSIBLE FROM THE,   errrrrr
ARCHIVE BOX

Last Update:    Saturday 06-July-2013.

****************************************************************************************************

nb.  TO DATE,  THE BULK OF THE DEVOTIONAL & REVERENTIAL OFFERINGS OF
MISERABLE AND INADEQUATE AND UNWORTHY SUPPLICATION MADE TO MARK
(if you’ll forgive the expression)
THE PASSING OF OUR GLORIOUS PAST HAUPTFUHRER,  THATCHER M. H.,
ENTERED BELOW  :  ON THE GREAT DAY
(Monday  08-04-13.)
(AND they’re STILL being added to as/ when they come in to us !)

We’ll move them to  The ‘In Mem’ Page  when things die-down sub-side a bit !

****************************************************************************************************

nb.  ALL THE BURGER GATE OFFERINGS ARE IN MID-FEB’ BELOW

(AND they’re STILL being added to as/ when they come in to us !)

****************************************************************************************************

Previous tasteful offerings continue below  the notes immediately below:               
The Gels and The Head Notes

HEAD NOTES:

1:  For general O&S concerning the site : See  The Parish Notice Board  Page

2:  For similar tasteful observations as/ the above&below regarding the dear departed:
See The Memoriam Page:

Immedicabilise Memoriae Immemorabilis  

(Well anyway that’s wot were said were’t reet title fer it in this
Latin Primer I got from Gorton Library)

for the very best in eulogies.

3:  Remember:
The Commonwealth Games last + Football World Cup last + O&S other ?
See the base of the  2011  page:
A few out of the back catalogue prior to our emergence to nudge the memory cell into a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ref  THIS PAGE STYLE  :  STANDING NOTES:

ref  The Pieces Below + Above
+
The E-steamed Wisdom Contained Therein:

For New Recipients – Yes, we do know:

1:  They are for the most part,  gutter humour.
ie 1:  They are quite, quite, quite  vulgar for the most part.
ie 2:  They’re mostly  crude, lewd and rude  (some very much so)
+
Throw in  bland, infantile, inane, and gratuitously outrageous  for good luck where they apply
(often !),  and you’ve got a fairly accurate picture of just wot is below.

An Aside:
–> Ah, The Gutter  :  It’s where we live <–
No Apologies  :  There’s no place like home  etc.

Ergo:  Should you live on the kerb or above,  some might well cause offence.

The easy way for the delicate to deal with it if you don’t want to
take heed of the sentiments of the nice polite version on The Home Page  –
GO AWAY NOW:

aka.  Piss-Off You Princess.

    /   

2: You might have seen or heard said some of the pieces below somewhere else before,
indeed some of them are so old they’re probably pensionable,
but please don’t show-off by telling us where and when they seen.
To date gentlefolk other of  The Parish of St ODA  might well not have had the benefit of the profound  illumination & enlightenment  contained therein and shed by them.
We don’t claim copy-write on them  –  Share & Enjoy.

3:  The only things we’re trying to do for the better than the rest of the rabble,
is to publish in a form matching the idiom of the piece particular,  in as intelligible a form as can be writ by us.
Where possible for retention of that idiom intrinsic to the piece,  that form is put to something akin to The Queen’s English.
Oh,  and we’re trying not to repeat the same one after publication as well.

So,  Dear Reader,
This page in summation,
is a torrent of  banal filth, innuendo, outrageous lies, smears and distortion,
general character assassination to bods various
all tastefully counterpointed with ‘politically incorrect’ anarchistic truths and insights
into the greater world
+
The ODD flash of divine inspiration and enlightenment absolute*
combined with good taste proper  (again, very few and little !)

See our stance statements on The Home Page also.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Sponsor Writes:

*Reet Good.
Couldn’t do better mi sen.
Double coconuts all round.
Godd J.
Villa Omni
Heaven
H1 WC666

(No junk mail or callers without appointment please)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  21-September-2013:

As/ Wednesday last

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  20-September-2013:

As/ Wednesday last

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  19-September-2013:

As/ yesterday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  18-September-2013:

ODA H&S NOTICE

From last week:
In the interests of public sanity
we broke our practice usual of attempt at humour

and then
slip regretfully into tragedy

We here, regretfully repeat again:

UK : PLACES to AVOID
POLTICo CONFERENCES PUBLIC (!) 2013:

LibDem: (Autumn Conference : 2 of 2 of year)
GLASGOW
Saturday 14 September  to  Wednesday 18th September 2013.
Labour:
BRIGHTON
Sunday 22 September  to  Wednesday 25 September 2013.
Con’s (par excellence – they are really good at it you know):
MANC 
Sunday 29th September  to  Wednesday 2nd October 2013.

For Survivors:
Decontamination units have been placed at all major traffic junctions
@ ~10 miles distance around the centres of this annual competition for

THE UK POLITICo PROFESSIONAL BULLSHITTER OF THE YEAR COMPETITION
for
JUST WHO CAN SELL THE BUGGERS THE BIGGEST ONE THIS YEAR ?

The Tony Blair Memorial Cup will be presented to the winner
in The Members Tea Room, after prayers, first Monday in Advent.

*** ****** ***

Now . . . ……

To a salvation to the original inhab’s of this sceptic isle yet to come ?

UKIP:
SOMEWHERE-IN-ENGLAND (Shhhhhh*)
Friday next : 20 September  to  Saturday next : 21st September 2013.
(*Not unadjacent to Central Hall, Westminster.  Now how does one interpret that one . . … ?!?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  17-September-2013:

With mind to the conferences various and current and to come shortly,
we draft-up the old anagram:
‘Contradiction’ = ‘Accord not in it’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  16-September-2013:

Pulled a tart at the pub last night,
but when I got back to her place found I’d forgot to bring a mac’.
Me:
You OK going bareback ?
She:
As long as you haven’t got HIV !
Me:
I’m positive
(Bitch can’t say I didn’t tell her)

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

SUNDAY  15-September-2013:

IT IS SUNDAY, THE WEEKLY SHUTTETH DAY, SO WE ARE SHUTTETH.

Book of Job   :   ChI  V.I

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

Saturday  14-September-2013:

ODA H&S NOTICE
In the interests of public sanity
We break our practice usual of attempt at humour
🙂
and now
Slip regretfully into tragedy
🙁

UK : PLACES to AVOID
UK POLTICo CONFERENCES PUBLIC (!) 2013:

LibDem:     (Autumn Conference : 2 of 2 of year)
GLASGOW
Saturday 14 September  to  Wednesday 18th September 2013
Labour:
BRIGHTON
Sunday 22 September  to  Wednesday 25 September 2013
Conservatives:
MANC  
Sunday 29th September  to  Wednesday 2nd October 2013

For Survivors:
Decontamination units have been placed at all major traffic junctions @ ~10 miles distance
around the centres of this annual competition for
THE UK POLITICo PROFESSIONAL BULLSHITTER OF THE YEAR
for
JUST WHO CAN SELL THE BUGGERS THE BIGGEST ONE THIS YEAR ?

The Tony Blair Memorial Cup will be presented to the winner
in The Members Tea Room, after prayers, first Monday in Advent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  13-September-2013:

Was driving home through The City with the wife last night in torrential rain.
We were only doing about 30mph as the visibility was so poor you could hardly see forward.
All of a sudden a late-‘working’ Banker came flying through the windscreen on her side.
He lay there on her lap bleeding profusely and she started screaming
‘WHAT ARE WE TO DO ?’  ‘WHAT ARE WE TO DO ?’  ‘WHAT ARE WE TO DO ?’
Me:
St Bart’s round the next corner and I’ll ring Autoglass from there.

🙂

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  12-September-2013:

Me youngest lad came home puzzled after his first day at school saying the teacher took one look at him and asked if he was chewing ?
Me:
He’s prob one of the never ending stream of wogs that have crept in.
Just tell her once your name’s Fred and leave it at that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  11-September-2013:

The wife was paralysed after an accident and worried what changes it would make in her life.
Don’t think I’ve noticed anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  10-September-2013:

Etiquette Rules : Romance:
It really was one of those really awkward moments of life,
a lull in what after all it must be said,
had been somewhat hurried but I thought, successful proceedings;
it occurred just after the first time I made passionate love to the girl next door.
She pulled the balaclava off and recognised me.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  09-September-2013:

I’ve just joined a firm that specialises in black customers.
It’s quite nice here at The Met, but you can’t plan a party as you never know how much freebie dope is available one day to the next.

🙁

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

SUNDAY  08-September-2013:

SUNDAY IS DAY-OFF DAY SO WE’RE HAVING A DAY OFF.

OOD:

DO SAME.

🙂

(Oh, but we do see they’ve changed the guard at Buckingham Palace !)

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

Saturday  07-September-2013:

Pulled a tart last night in the pub.
Just getting into the car for going home and she asked
do you want me to show you a good time ?
🙂
Me:  Yup ! (with a big broad smile)
She turned round quickly, then ran a mile in 4 minutes.
🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  06-September-2013:

First Jimmy Saville went – you missed-out on that one.

A few more assorted ‘celebs’ various have dropped off the perch in the interim.
Now that nice rugby player has gone, and David Frost then David Jacobs.
So:
Doctor threatening to sign you off ?
Continually bored ?
Can’t be arsed getting out of bed in the morning ?
Or just generally short of cash ?
No matter how bent or straight they were, the dead can’t defend themselves
so now’s the time to speak-up if you haven’t got on
your Super-Soaring-Claim-A-Go-Round yet.
JUST TEXT:
Once-Saw-Dead-Celeb-Across-The-Street/Cash4Unprovable-Bum-Punch
to payolabbc (Bahamas)
! NOW !
Remember:
You’ve only got whatever vestige of scrote dignity you might just perchance have been gifted with to lose,
AND
Fashions don’t last forever !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  05-September-2013:

My mate Fred asked me in the pub last night how things were going with me new tart ?
Me:
Not too good at the mo’, she wants us to make a sex video !
Fred:
Just go along with it, you’ll enjoy it and the worst that’ll happen is you’ll be on the www with the rest and nobody will recognise you with yer kit off !
Me:
I’m glad you’ve taken it that way, but there’s still no way I’m shagging you.
😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  04-September-2013:

Pre:
This one is so good, so succinct,
we’ve even posted it to the base of The Wom Page as an illustration of ODA stance !

So, to ye celebrated script   . . . ……

Think I’ve gone round the twist proper.
I’ve been mixing with some very dubious people of low morals and absolutely no scruples.
It’s inevitably rubbed off, causing me to corner and rant and shout at other people outside my new gang in a mixture of gang jargon and total gobbledegook then taking the poor victims money (and as much as I fancy when I want too), then totally ignoring any of their wishes and giving them nothing in return but spending it all on my gang and their hobbies and yet other people who have nothing to do with the people I’ve ripped-off, a lot of them from far away places with strange sounding names.
I do know the reason I do it.
It’s complete fear of those I’ve ripped because to be quite frank, they’re the opposite of me and the rest of my new gang.
They spend their lives working hard, mostly in the production of things which don’t last so they’ll quickly need to make more, some in making sure the useless are kept being useless, and some of them take part as disposable pawns in our gangs favourite hobby of life reassignment (some people call it war but we think that is a bit flash) and other dangerous things.
The thought of them stopping and considering their plight of feeding me and my gang with their money is really frightening, so me and the rest of me new mates keep them at it by taking more money off them so they need to keep turning-up to earn more, and so on.
My psychiatrist has diagnosed ‘Politicianitus’
There is no cure.
🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  03-September-2013:

The new School Year has started and me and the wife were discussing my sons progress with his lady teacher at the PT evening last night.
Teacher:
I have to say he’s quite thick !
My Dear Lady:
Well he takes after his dad then !
Teacher:
Well we all know he will develop,
but your husbands much thicker and he doesn’t come quiet as quick.
😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  02-September-2013:

Coming round just after a motor accident at weekend I found a paramedic cutting off me clothes.
Fortunately my head was clear and I explained to him that this morning I found no clean boxer shorts in the drawer and was forced to put on a pair of the wife’s cammi-knickers instead.
Ambulance Man:
That’s perfectly OK with me sir, we come across it all the time.
Now will you turn over to your side if you can, and I’ll undo your bra.

😐

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

SUNDAY  01-SEPTEMBER-2013:

Now, today it’s Shabbat for the goys:
So fuck-off and get shabbatting.
WE ARE.
(But for post of this to our new post service cos we’re ecumenical or something)

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

Saturday  31-August-2013:

It’s Shabbat:
And Lord Sachs, the retiring UK Chief Rabbi,
has, in valedictory mood, complained about the growth of secularism and individualism.
Well,  that’s his opinion.
(Trust me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  30-August-2013:

Continuing on our philosophical theme of the week,  today we examine Greek dichotomy:

! COMEDY !
Aristotle was happily musing one evening whilst playing submarines on the bath
(a la Archimedes who’d gone for a quiet screw)
then    .   .  . . . ……
! EUREKA !
! Revelation had come to him !
thinks     .   .  . . . ……
If one was to drill a pin hole near the top and to the LH side of ones water meter
and then push a fine needle through it,
you could stop the impeller and counter revolving
so stopping the slimy, parasitic, free-loading,  bean-counting, shitty, little spivvy vultures
at United Futilities scamming off you.
🙂
+ + +
Then he remembered the bastards had fixed a sub-surface meter,
3′ down in a tight shaft in the pavement outside.
! TRAGEDY !
🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  29-August-2013:

A change in EU law has allowed the Germans to bin their longest word: the 63-letter monster Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz.

According to the Telegraph, the monstrosity was spawned back in 1999 in Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania, and translates as “law delegating beef label monitoring”, in bite-sized English pieces.

Originally a product of the war on mad cow disease, the term has been retired as the EU is “calling a halt to the testing of healthy cattle at abattoirs”.

Apparently, even Germans found the word a tad excessive – despite their penchant for extended compound nouns – and abbreviated it to the hardly more plausible RkReUAUG. Interestingly, this is the exactly the sound which can regularly be heard coming from Vulture Central’s toilets of a Friday afternoon as the adsales and news room boys and girls eject an especially robust liquid lunch.

Quite which word now has the honour of being Germany’s longest is uncertain, although Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitaenswitwe is in with a shout.

This handy term means “widow of a Danube Steamboat Company captain”, and no doubt pops up regularly in everyday conversation. According to the Telegraph’s Teutonic correspondent, a popular parlour game in Germany involves creating ever-longer words associated with the Danube Steamboat Company, such as the magnificent Donaudampfschifffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft, which translates as the “Association for Subordinate Officials of the Head Office Management of the Danube Steamboat Electrical Services”.

A more likely contender for the longest word in German is Kraftfahrzeughaftpflichtversicherung (“automobile liability insurance”), which actually appears in the dictionary.

English speakers have long struggled to match German prowess in the length department. A quick net search reveals that pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism is commonly cited as our most impressive non-coined effort meriting a dictionary heads-up.

When I was a lad, it was antidisestablishmentarianism which took the popular vote, although I’ve always had a soft spot for the splendid supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. ®

Source:  The Register

(Reet good newsletter  :  GoAnGerAFreeSub NOW !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  28-August-2013:

Gay Times

It wasn’t mother who made him a homosexual
It was homosexuals who made him a mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  27-August-2013:

With the collapse of the greater national economy outside the SE of UK,
The Government of this country is now constantly on edge about the possibility of civil insurrection.
I think they should look to their own raison d’etre,
after all,  just why do you and I need to be governed ?
Day in, day out we’re both doing fuck-all at the same time at the same regular pace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  26-August-2013:

Pre:

A week with a philosofical bent    (well we all have our secrets)  . . . ……

A Short Discourse of Observation on Branding in The UK Retail Sector:
Since the days of C&A many entrepreneurs have named their enterprises after their name initials either first of second.
eg:  C&A, B&Q and latterly B&M and H&M
with even the great Marks & Spencer now proclaiming themselves as ‘M&S’.
Many are to follow in their footsteps and in that spirit 2 of my mates have opened a cut-price store in a choice position on our high street.
They’ve been trading for months now but all has not gone well with limited foot-tread through the door and sales.
Fred and Umberto are wondering just wot’s gone wrong – ?
Comments from the floor please.

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

SUNDAY  25-August-2013:

shut

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

Saturday  24-August-2013:

Bumped into me best mate Tommy yesterday and just had to tell him about having the shock of me life last week when I went round to me Gran’s and found her lying in bed looking dead.
Then to make matters worse she then woke up suddenly and screamed !
Tommy:
I’ll bet you were totally chilled by it all.
Me:
Not as much as me Gran, I’d just cut her wedding ring finger off !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  23-August-2013:

Me tart sat me down last night and said she had something to tell me I wouldn’t believe.
She said she’d been having a lesbian affair with me best mates wife !
Me:
I DON’T !
Prove it.
🙂

Credits:    Portwood Carpet Shop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  22-August-2013:

A young monk confesses in the refectory to his superior about sexual indiscretions
with a nun.
Holy Mother!  exclaims the elder, this is not the place for such things.
Younger:
I’ll repeat all in confession.
Elder:
Just save ‘tlll Friday night.
We all meet up at Flanagans and swap stories then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  21-August-2013:

The wife’s just turned-up in Venice after going missing again.
😐
Rumours of her death should have never have been exaggerated.
🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  20-August-2013:

One for all ages and classes:

Me mate’s Fruit & Vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
They now sell smoothies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  19-August:

To tell the truth
ourdogsarse.org
isn’t doing too well at the moment with low take-up due to limited exposure to the rest of the  people of taste who aren’t aware of ODA but would gel with us if they were.

We can’t afford the necessary publicity to make it take off properly
so thought of following the logical path and re-branding to

OURREDBULLSARSE.ORG

standing back and watching their spivs dance and blow their self important trumpets for us  !

BUT really,  there is a limitation to how low we’ll stoop for the sake of cheap exposure and how crass we will get.

ourdogsarse grinds-on !

Standards Claud,    STANDARDS    ! ! !

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

SUNDAY  18-August:

SUNDAY IS DAY OFF  –  WE’RE OFFSKIE

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

Saturday  17-August:

Me Grandad,  who’s quite a nerd for his age and has taken to the www-world like a duck to water,  has unfortunately started to drift into dotage of recent.
To be quite frank, I think he’s loosing it.
The latest sign came this morning when he Tweeted:
‘I’ve had porridge for breakfast and then had a crackin’ shit’
That was immediately followed by:
‘I’m on a bus’

HOPEFULLY it was the server stack catching-up with buffer-lag,
and and not all of simultaneous happening    . . . ………………… ? ? ? !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  16-August:

The CoE are considering another commission on sexual abuse.
Now, there’s a job for you if the rates are decent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  15-August:

It’s  Old :’s Birthday,  so :

Me tart bought me a pair of roller blades from Poundland for my birthday.
Cheapskate !

🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  14-August-2013:

! ‘Hang on a minute’ !
‘Say that again and do the scream again,  I’m nearly there’  . . . ……
And that Fred, is why I got the sack from the Rape Counselling Service  . . . …….

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  13-August-2013:

Was asked to leave our local joint  BNP + EDL + LStG Summer Fête  last weekend.
Unfortunately ones submission to the
‘Nominate A New Common Organisational Anthem Competition’
didn’t go down too well.
I still think mi entry of
‘This Is My Land, This Is Your Land’    is a really cracking song.
🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  12-August-2013:

Ah,  the glorious 12th !
And yea, will yet more Pb shot be spread over UK grouse moors.
So wot’s left of the grouse and next years re-stock will ingest the misses as grit.
So when they get shot they’ll have lead in their metabolic systems.
But look on the bright side,  they’ll be flying progressively lower and be easier to pot !

😐

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

SUNDAY  11-August-2013:

it is sunday we are shut

it is sunday we are shut

it is sunday we are shut

it is sunday we are shut

it is sunday we are shut

it is sunday we are shut

IT IS SUNDAY WE ARE SHUT

+ +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ + +++ +

Saturday  10-August-2013:

I’m selling all me old dogging equipment on E-Bay.
(Cameras, binoculars, hide, camo clobber, thermos flask etc)
They’ve been up there for days now but no one has come forward with a bid.
🙁
Mind you there’s over a 100 watching
😉

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  09-August-2013:

Been on Twitter for last 24 hours but no one has threatened to rape me.

😐

Do you think I’ll fare any better on ASK ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  08-August-2013:

I’ve applied for a job with our local council.
On the application form under ‘disabilities’
I entered Narcolpepsy + Tourettes Syndrome.
Got the job.
🙂
Now I sleep all day at work and if anybody wakes me up
I CAN TELL THE TWATS TO FUCK OFF.
🙂    🙂    🙂    🙂    🙂    🙂

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  07-August-2013:

Scousers are nice people really.
I just moved to Liverpool and they asked me to join the neighbourhood watch right away.
All I had to do is fill my name and address in on the application form and what times I was out to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  06-August-2013:

Simplistic Q&A Time for all ages and classes:

Q:
What’s ~ 6″ long and begins with a ‘P’ ?
A:
A Poo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WE RESUME WITH OUR YEAR III OFFERINGS
AFTER OUR JOLLY HOLS

Monday  05-August-2013:

Just had a call from the hospital about the wife;
they expressing extreme regrets over her responding adversely to surgical treatment
and said they going to have to keep her in for the foreseeable future
I faced up to the situation and took the decision:
O  . . … K,  if everything’s gone that wrong,
the best thing is to pull the plug on her and I’ll take it from there.
They regretfully pointed out such was unlikely to occur in the case of a fucked-up ingrowing toe-nail op.

🙁

Credits:    Portwood Carpet Shop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>  JOLLY HOLS  <

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  25-July-2013:

A PHIL O’SOPHICAL QUOTE:
‘To pray is to ask that which you do not really know is there,
to reverse the known laws of the universe
on behalf of a petitioner who has declared himself
unworthy of what he asks for’
(Ambrose Pearson)

The View From The Church of  ODA Pulpit:
So  . . . ……
If you were Big G,  would you listen to the grovelling little shit ?
Our Religious Correspondent:
The Very Rev Up  (Ms)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  24-July-2013:

Don’t think The New Royal Baby will be allowed to suck on a dodi.
Look wot trouble that caused in the past.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  23-July-2013:

Even though new born, The New Royal Baby bears a striking resemblance to his parents:
Like his father William he has a distinct lack of hair, and like his mother he has next to no tits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  22-July-2013:

Pop !

Now Bill lad, has the little fucker got ginger hair ?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  21-July-2013:

+  SHUTTETH  +

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  20-July-2013:

Hymie goes on Desert Island Discs.
As is custom he is asked at the end of the programme what he’d like to take to the island as a luxury ?
‘Two Synagogues’  replies Hymie without hesitation.

Interviewer:
Just why one earth do you want TWO Hymie ?
You’re going to be the only one the bloody island !

Hymie:
Oy Vey schmuk !
SO I HAVE ONE NOT TO GO TO !

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  19-July-2013:

On holiday, after a few sabuscas, I finally persuaded the wife to take it up the arse.
Had to be done; there was just no way I could get the remaining 10 pouches of Old Holborn past customs.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  18-July-2013:

I’ve been pouring over the www for hours looking for fresh wanking material I’ve not seen before.
I’m settling for some nice Paisley print, it looks most absorbent.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  17-July-2013:

Dear X.
I’m sorry about the revenge porn after you were unfaithful.
Just change your profile (and that of the sheep)
on FarceBook and Twatter and only we will know.
Still miss you.
X.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  16-July-2013:

Wandering around Tate Modern the other day,
I saw a painting of a bloke with a guitar and frizzy hair.
It was labelled simply ‘Garfunkel’.
I thought nice,  but is it really Art ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  15-July-2013:

Let’s start the week with a quote from our favourite source:

‘I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses’

Oscar Wilde

( Who else  ? ! )

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  14-July-2013:

Sunday >CLOSED FOR THE DAY< Sunday

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  13-July-2013:

This current hot weather might be too much for the Brits but if you’re Korean you can always take your lunch to work and leave it to cook in the car.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  12-July-2013:

As my twilight years advance I occasionally think back to all the girls in my life and the times we had.
It always gives me a romantic glow but I invariably end up with a tear in my eye,
thinking back to ‘the one that go away’.
Oh well, you live and learn.
If any more do come along I’ll make sure I lock the doors properly and use stronger duct tape.
😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  11-July-2013:

Was the Egyptian upheaval was long heralded by the collapse of their ankhs   . . . ………… ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  10-July-2013:

When the wife and four of her fat mates squeezed into our small hatchback to go to
Weight-Watchers I watched the suspension sag, groan and suffer
and muttered ‘Fat Cows’ under my breath.
‘She who must be obeyed’  snapped back:
What was that ?
Me:
You herd.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  09-July-2013:

Was the Egyptian upheaval was long heralded by the collapse of their ankhs   . . . ………… ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  08-July-2013:

TOP TIPS TIME:

Motorists,  when parking-up always remember to apply your handbrake properly.
If on a slope and encountering slippery conditions,  say melting ice,
a brick/ small log/ similar under the front of each wheel
will stop most things suddenly advancing without warning.
Also,  at any time if parking on an incline,
it helps to switch all off and leave your vehicle drive engaged in gear.
Kind Regards & Best Wishes
Canadian Railways.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  07-July-2013:

CLOSED FOR THE DAY

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  06-July-2013:

To finish the week off  :  a QUOTE:
‘Any idiot can face a crises.
It’s day to day living that wears you out’
Andre Chekhov.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  05-July-2013:

Whilst watching teenage girls from a local school perform gymnastics at our church fête,
I mention to the bloke next to me when one girl was doing the splits,
‘I’d like to do that’
He:
‘I know what you mean,  but there’s absolutely no way I’d be that supple again at my age’.
I don’t think he did know quite what I meant but thought it best to leave it there.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  04-July-2013:

Had to tell me neighbour I found his cat dead in me house.
He:
Was the old sod in there chasing mice again ?
Me:
No he was in there stealing milk again,
but I don’t think he found much in the microwave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  03-July-2013:

Whoever said digital technology would replace paper is talking out of his arse,
(and has never tried wiping it with an ipad)

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  02-July-2013:

Pssst    . . . ……  Wanna buy 500,000 Chinese Lanterns ?
(velly cheap)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  01-JULY-2013:

Went on a blind date last night to the local pub with a nice quiet girl from our local church.
After we’d both loosened-up a bit after a shandy and I thought she was getting a little fruity,
I made my opening gambit:
Do you know alcohol is the second best way of getting a girl into bed ?
She:
Really, what’s the first ?
Me:
A fuckin’ big knife
She said she needed the Ladies and I haven’t seen her since  . . . ……………… ?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sunday  30-June-2013:

Copy ?    There isn’t any,  its

SUNDAY  30-June-2013:

If you’re new to us,  today is as/ usual  :  We’re shut  :  No Copy  :  ‘Tis

Sunday

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  29-June-2013:

Some woman gets a vibrator and that’s seen as a bit of naughty fun,  BUT
when I ordered my 440V 3 Phase  FuckMaster Pro 5000  Mk XXIII    blow up doll
with 6 speed fully adjustable interesting bits in authentic materials
+  full fluid emissions
+  built in bondage tie-down points and stereo screaming,
I’m apparently seen as a dirty pervert    . . . ……  ??? ? ?  ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  28-June-2013:

A lady’s tale of unfortunate happenings but happy endings:

In 1969 I came second in the Miss World contest and embarked on a celebrity career as a model.
After 6 months I was involved in a car crash which left me facially scarred and paralysed from the waist down.
After numerous operations and physiotherapy I recovered the use of my legs and they managed to conceal most of the facial scarring.
I went on to become a successful TV hostess and prospered.
In 1980 I developed breast cancer and had both removed.
On recovery from that I opted for the quiet life of a children’s nurse but had to give that up when a family returning from Mozambique developed leprosy which they passed on to me.
After losing some fingers and a couple of toes I responded to treatment and was pronounced cured after 4 years in an isolation sanatorium.
I left main-stream society all together then when I entered a convent to retreat from the world but had to leave the order when the convent caught fire killing the Mother Superior.  Everyone else including me escaped but all my hair was burnt-off and I suffered 3rd degree burns to 60% of my body.
After the hospital had done what it could for me and a protracted spell in a convalescent home I returned to work as a toilet attendant at Kings Cross station.
I thought that was going to be my lot then for the rest of my life until I answered a chance advertisement in ‘The Stage’ and at first attempt won Miss Manchester outright last night from a full field of 49 other hopefuls in front of an appreciative audience of local worthies and 500 of the assorted piss-heads usual for such functions.
It all goes to show if you keep trying,  finally your star will shine.

Credits:      Portwood KFC Carpet Shop  (Finger licking fluffy)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  27-June-2013:

Stick yer pin in time:

I’ve been trying to SEXT you with a picture of me willy
but the camera won’t pan that wide
/
I’ve been trying to SEXT you with a picture of me willy
but the camera won’t focus down that fine

Who’s got the bottle to tell the truth ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  25-June-2013:

Woman goes to police station complaining of being assaulted by a troupe of dumb acrobats.
Police:
What happened ?
Complainant:
They just committed unspeakable acts

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  25-June-2013:

Of interest proper:

The Police pull Paddy & Sean in under Operation Yew Tree.
Rozzer:
What have you got to say with yourself  ?
Paddy:
There’s only feckin two of us.

🙂

Credits:   Portwood KFC Carpet Shop  (Finger licking fluffy)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  24-June-2013:

After a week of appy/ politico nonsense,  (usual),  back to business proper:

The wife did a charity parachute jump yesterday.
Thank God the parachute opened:
The last time something that heavy hit the earth,
the dinosaurs  were wiped out.

🙂

Credits:   Portwood Carpet Shop

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  23-June-2013:

The 4th after Trinity they tell me.

DAY-OFF DAY AGAIN.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  22-June-2013:

MURKY TIMES

Following ‘revelations’ that our esteamed UK Security Services have been court-out again,
( ! SHOCK HORROR !  etc ),
we proffer the following uninformed (obviously) notes:

1:  Following the revelation that in order to get round the ban on their dipping into UK
E-Mail + Telephone + Fax + Text + Aldis Lamp + Flag + Semaphore + Waving  traffic
by exporting it to fellow slipperies outside the 12 mile limit,
and then having it sent back to them,
GCHQ (bless),  has pronounced that it is operating within The Law,
which it wrote.
(But they are extremely worried that VATman will now be after them for the fiddle)

2:  Following the revelations of DI6 cushy spying jobs in UK Greenpeace being ‘exposed’  (shock horror  thingy again),
it appears no one told the slipperies about the classic
‘Managing Your Manager’  practice,
as well as  *The First Rule of Management,  viz:
‘It doesn’t matter what they are doing as long as:
a)  It’s useful and wot they’re doing is something wandering-off in
the general direction of the object of the exercise.
b)  They’re happy little bunnies doing it and don’t cause too much mither overall,
and don’t deflect the object of the exercise from the object of the exercise.
c)  Put into the tea kitty, don’t take too many biscuits at brew,
keep the bog clean and stand their round in the pub.

Your Conspiracy Correspondent
Bill De-Burg

PS.
*If they’re doing it for nowt as some blinkered controller erk in his own reality bubble is
paying their wages,  so much the better  :  You’re quids-in.
NOW THAT’S MANAGEMENT.

🙂    x101

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  21-June-2013:

A Poets Day Reprise on The Recap of Recents:

Jacko’s daughter (fat little spoiled brat) has tried to top herself
( ‘Twould have been a loss to
Emo, The Kingdom of Farcebook, Twatter and similars,  but no other
+
You can’t get the workmanship etc )
Stephen Fry (big fat princess) has tried to top himself again
( ‘Twould have been a loss to
The Nation – not + You can’t get the workmanship etc )
Putin’s put in for divorce
(Sup 14 pints and stick to rolling about on a mat with funny Foreign Secs son)
Prince Phil’s in/out of dock for a final re-fit.
Hogan Howe & Co plc has been part de-kettled
>   Q:  Will they have to Swan-off now ?   🙁   <.
The little bankers are now back on the mat with the distinct poss of jail hanging over them
( Expect SwissAir flights to be booked-up for the foreseeable future )
The NHS managers are to be audited proper
The MOD is to be made liable for it’s handing down of unsuitable kit to The Squaddies
( That’ll make the desk erks justify their paper-bin particular )

All very puzzling  . . . ………………
All very strange   . . . ………………
Just what have we done right ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  20-June-2013:
(Rev Copy)

Today’s Match Scores:

On A Legal Game-Show Theme Yet Again:
ref    NHS.  Apparachiks&Spivs 1st Fuckin’ M’s of The Bastards    v    Free Auditors I
NHS:  0
Lilly Livered Free Thinkers:  101 for 0

The call of the day from them’s of acid eye and unswayable judgement
who have found yet another nest of
‘Fur Coat and No Knickers’ / ‘All Front and No Rear’
catching-out yet another NHS trust-up thingy charade well and truly out,
AGAIN,
This time it’s of cage rattling proportions.
The auditors call for the cure,
from the man who found the shite,
that the spivs couldn’t cover,
is to get a standing regime of continual inspections
by a professional free inspectorate proper disparate of  ‘The System’
to clear the whole charade out of
the dark-suited dark apparatchiks,  of flavours various
who pull the strings from the shadows in the rear of The Management Block
AND
the bright suited buffed-up assorted spivs,  of flavours various (who are in a meeting)
(that’s if they don’t jump first*)
who put the public face out front.

So  . . . ………………
Now   . . . ………………
Q of The Day:
As/ previous:
Will the principle infiltrate Whitehall – ?

————————————————————————
Our Westminster Health Matters Correspondent Writes:
I know this one’s far, far North of Watford
so there’s no need to be worried that much,
but it could be infectious.
Frightening, isn’t it ?
Nurse Bercoe.

————————————————————————

Our City Correspondent Writes:
*Put your money in  Revolving Door (plc – naturalle)  Ords.
O. N. The-Nextbubble

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  19-June-2013:

Today’s Match Scores:

On A Legal Game-Show Theme Yet Again:
ref    MOD.  1st DCLXVI    v    Free Judiciary  XI
MOD:  0
Free Thinkers:  1215 for 0

The Supreme Court, this morning,  ruled that:
The providers of unsuitable kit for squaddies (HM’s esteamed MOD)
are to be made accountable and to provide compo’ to the aggrieved families of
those passengers in Snatch Landrovers
of which naughty people found they could very easily
scratch the paintwork and modify the poor sods inside.
ie  Said motor carriages were not up to job in hand
and that known previous from previous events of nastiness,
but still ye MOD sent said the vehicles into field.
So  . . . ………………
Now   . . . ………………
All kit put into known theatre of war has to be suitable for purpose.
Q of The Day:
Will the principle infiltrate Whitehall – ?

————————————————————————

Our Westminster Legal Correspondent Writes:

Oh deary, deary me.
Them’s with:
A fresh change of blotter daily,
office rug large,
(Haupt pen-pusher for use of.   HM Central Stores Catalogue No: 1234567890A.xiiib),
a hat-stand,  a top-end paper bin,  AND x2 biscuits at elevenses
will be be making their arrangements forthwith.
I can see the jumping-out of the prams to retirement ASAP,
(Sod the knighthood – let’s leg-it quick),
(Expect house prices to drop in Weybridge and rise in Tuscany)
said apparatchiks having been de-bagged as/ The London Frontman in The Strand shop yesterday.

So,  just wot will the appy’s on the mat resort to from here immediate ?
As/ others in ye cart,  for immediate damage limitation,
their hidden planted operatives of whisper will have some
fast catching-up and chatting-up now to do before    . . . ………………
all reverts towards a working society !

Teddy Long-Stop-Court.

————————————————————————

Our Westminster Not-Cricket Correspondent Writes:

Just how will this affect our glorious Team Captain David (bless) ?
It might well put him off his stroke and make him miss his innings at the next
one-a-day  Legal Aid Reform Bill  unfriendly.
(Not that there could possibly have been any connection between the two matters
to cloud their Mi-Ludships judgement)

Wonder if he should put the matter to Judicial Revue ?

from The Gas Works end,
S. Tumpped.
pp  Major Mandelson  (rtd and indisposed)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  18-June-2013:

Today’s Match Scores:

On A Legal Game-Show Theme Again:
ref  Met Plod 1st XIII  v  Free Judiciary
Met:  0
Free Thinkers:  1

The High Court, this morning,  ruled that when ‘kettled’
aka  Arrested without charge
aka  Detained against your will without cause
aka  Kidnapped  (there could be a book in there somewhere)
you do not have to give personal details to the attendant esteamed apparatchiks in black
in order to regain your freedom and so to have the legal right to be present on,
and proceed along,  should you so wish, (hey nonny no etc – in Latin),
HM’s tarmac.

After the legal proceedings of point,  the sight of a certain de-bagged Mr Hogan-Howe,
having had his trousers unceremoniously taken down by Mi Luds,
wandering dazed and bewildered around The Lower Strand area, sucking his thumb whilst
asking for directions to his bunker after having his reality bubble* well and truly popped,
is said to have frightened the pigeons and been to date the tourist event of the year.
(The Japs think it’s one their game shows)

* As/ programmed-in at Centrex and diverse places other of totalitarianism.

————————————————————————

Our Central London Legal Correspondent Writes:

Oh deary, deary me.
Them’s that will not be defied will be throwing one good and proper now.
I can see the spitting-out of the dummies and the ejection of rattles out of the prams forthwith.
So,  just wot will they resort to from here ?
For immediate damage limitation, their hidden planted operatives of whisper will have some
fast catching-up and chatting-up now to do before  . . . ………………
THE GRAND SCHEME
collapses and all reverts towards a free society !

Rancid of The Bailey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  17-June-2013:

Court News:
Stuart Halls final note to his council:
Thank fuck I didn’t play The Joker.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  16-June-2013:

The 3rd after Trinity they tell me.

If they haven’t told you,
IT’S DAY-OFF DAY AGAIN !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  15-June-2013:

‘Any Which Way But Essex’

Is it cricket ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  14-June-2013:

My Dentist told me he needs to give me prostrate examination next Monday
He can fuck-off !
I might not be the brightest bulb in the chandelier  but it’s only 4 weeks since the last one.
This private practice bit has ruined the NHS  –  Grabbing Git !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  13-June-2013:

Was in the garden enjoying the UK’s first sun of the year yesterday evening
Some bloke walked past and shouted  ‘Scum’
If I had finished my shit I ‘d have hit the bugger

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  12-June-2013:

Bloke comes home from India after getting one of those cheapo plastic surgery jobs they do over there,  in this case a willy extension to please the wife.   Surgeon has stitched a baby elephants trunk on for expediency.  On getting home he goes straight to dinner with the Mrs,  his new willy bursts out and steals an apple off the table bowl.  His lady was most impressed and asked if it could do it again ?
He:  I think it could easily manage it but I don’t think me arse could take another apple    😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  11-June-2013:

The New Pope has declared there is a Gay Lobby in The Vatican,

so  . . . …….    Ye Aspects !

1:  If you’re one of the one’s he’s fingered, how did you get on with the previous ones  . . …. ?

2:  There’s probably a gay hall as well and there’ll certainly be a gay closet !

3:  Typical of religion.
When it’s not causing wars in far off lands it’s trying to get in through the back door !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  10-June-2013:

GCHQ:

Just when you thought no one ever listened to you

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  09-June-2013:

—

GO AWAY  :  IT’S SECOND SUNDAY AFTER TRINITY

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  08-June-2013:

London Garrotte  :  Early Weekend Edition:
Court Circular : 03.00hrs:
Prince Phil has been sent home on the all-night bus from
The Prince Edward Hospital Central Clinic thingy  (sponsored by Red Bull)
for Posh FreeMasonsloadersetcs
with the drips still attached and his arse jammed in a cardboard bedpan
having been declared fit for work at 02.30hrs by ATOS.

Source:  Fitznicely  M. I. N. E.
Buckingham Palace Press Office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  07-June-2013:

If our Dave (bless)  has,  as/ general press reports,
indeed been invited to The Bilderberg Group thrash at Watford,
JUST WHERE IS THE REAL MEETING BEING HELD

??????    ??????    ??????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  06-June-2013:

6 Paki blokes dressed in bhurkas have robbed Selfridges.
What next,  Nazi’s dressed as nuns ?
Quick Wilson, ring the church bell and Pike, don’t tell them your name !

What next,  A Rocky Horror  hold-up ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  05-June-2013:

Q&A Time:
Q:  Wot goes  2 4 6 8    90 92 94 96 ?
A:  The Postman’s new walk in Oklahoma City
🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  04-June-2013:

ref  Lunatics and the administration of asylums:
Weatherspoons are to open pubs on UK motorway service areas
with the bars open for booze sales at 08.00hrs !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  03-June-2013:

Stop Press !
Further to last:
Don’t bother sending out for a Turkish kebab tonight !
They’re really going for it !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  02-June-2013:

GO AWAY  :  IT’S FIRST SUNDAY AFTER TRINITY

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  01-JUNE-2013:

Stockholm is going nuclear (sim).
The balloon’s about to got up in Copenhagen (sim).
The Frogs are threatening the barricades (naturale)
The BNP & their Hauptfuhrer Nick are marching on The House
+
The EDL & their Hauptfuhrer Garry are marching on Woolwich
(Or vis versa depending on which media bullshit machine you hear from)
Even The Turks are giving their apparatchiks a sorting.
NOW, just where is St Nigel NOW ? !
Wot did you do in the war Daddy ? !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  31-May-2013:

Capital Weekend Weather Forecast:
Fine + warm.
Leave Town  or  Keep your head down and carry a gas mask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  30-May-2013:

ref  The Current International Fashion For
Mixed-Up Marriage / Nonce Nuptuals / Warped Wedding  etc:

A Historical Perspective:
The Frogs went for it yesterday. The Jocks are to do same shortly.
Q:  Is this the Auld Alliance surging again ?
Will we be finally invaded by garlic smelling, skirt wearing shirtlifters ?
It does make one wonder just how bonny was Bobby Prince Chas . . . …… ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  29-May-2013:

It appears ‘Anonymous’ are to publish a list of EDL members !
What next,  a Masonic Year Book  ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  28-May-2013:

UK STOCK MARKET TIPS:
Looks like the EDL balloon might go up !
Not gone off yet though,  but it could still happen !
So,  take a punt at Pilkington prefs and go short on UK Property Insurances !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  27-May-2013:

IT’S TRINITY MONDAY

Kids are like farts.
You only like your own.

Prof Yerwot.
Dept of Philosophy.
University of Gorton.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  26-May-2013:

GO AWAY  :  IT’S TRINITY SUNDAY

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  25-May-2013:

No hoper doley living off The State ???
Pretend plastic-spastic with no friends but a public limp act to keep up ???
Would-be professional claim ponce ???
Apparatchik Sympathy Operative who can see The Government seeing through their symbiotic scam machine and their cushy number going west shortly ???
OR
Is life simply just dull and boring ?
Whoever you are, for easy money and instant celeb’ status,
GET IN TOUCH WITH
CLAIM CLAIM CLAIM plc .con
NOW !
Were you abused by, or within 50 yards of a well known celebrity in the
50’s / 60’s / 70’s / 80’s / 90’s / Naughties
OR
even Next Week
?
1700’s  /  1800’s  /  1900’s :
It doesn’t matter, we can work with anything and we don’t give a shit as long as it sells our trashy rags.
Did Jim fix fix you ?*
Were you one of Rolf’s little boys ?*
Did you get serviced in Kevin Webster’s garage ?*
Did Stuart make a Knockout impression ?*
Did Ken make a Rovers Return to you ?*
It just doesn’t matter  :  They’ve been successful so there’s money to be had !
Remember:  Where there’s a stain there’s a claim !
Simply Text:
MY.ARSE.IS.SORE
to Max Clifford*
or
YOUR super soar-away
Sport Sun Star
Moon  Asteroid  (just in case there’s one them as well)
Haley’s Comet  (think we’re safe with that one for the time being)
to start your fictitious odyssey.
Put some Glitter* back into your life now !

*Allegedly,  of course.

(No Terms & Conditions apply)

——————

! ‘LADIES’ !
If you can’t reconcile the above applying to you and you still need the money,
simply come round to us and get your tits out  display your charms for our photographer.
(In a non-threatening environment of course)

——————

NOTICE:  All the porn ads are now to the rear of our super sore-away Family Newspaper.

——————

The ODA take:

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  24-May-2013:

There’s a great debate going on concerning battlefield robots.
The great concern is the robots are totally without morality and not discriminatory in the least,
and will immediately crap on any they come across with no conscious emotion of restraint.
All development has been halted.
The thought of them going into banking and joining the Tory Party is just too much of a risk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  23-May-2013:

IT’S WAGNER (Richard)’s BIRTHDAY !
ALL TOGETHER NOW:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

(continue for 14 hours)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR WAGNER,
HOPE YOUR RING-PIECE GETS BETTER,
HAPPY, BIRTHDAY TO YOU

DAH DAH-DAH DAH DAH,

DAH DAH-DAH DAH DAH,

DAH DAH-DAH DAH DAH,

DAH DAH-DAH    . . . . . . ……

DAH.

——————

A Critic Writes:
Well they do say you can’t succeed in Musical Theatre
without getting a sore ring-piece.
Ivan N.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  22-May-2013:

Wot do we want ?

HEARING AIDS !

When do we want them ?

HEARING AIDS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  21-May-2013:

Still krank but just to prove we’re not that far gone:

Notes on  The Wee Kirk of Jockland  who are now dancing at the other end of the aisle:

Has this ecumenical cosying-up to Rome gone a bit too far ?

At least the choir is now going to be safe.
The clergy can keep themselves to themselves now !

The real concern for The Chukters now is just wot is going to crawl out of the woodwork now and displace ‘The Only Gay In The Village’ !

Wicker Man time in The Islands ?

Will something really get worn under the kilt ?

It might deflect a few Jock Tories from crossing the floor to UKIP to join The SNP !

When invited to dance  The Gay Gordons  the proposal should now be treated from a H&S perspective and a risk assessment conducted firstly.

We give you the case for rebuilding Hadrians Wall.
The Jocks would then have something solid to keep their backs to !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  20-May-2013:

Still krank but just to prove we’re not that far gone:

Is it me,  or don’t you feel sorry for David Cameron
after Geoffrey Howe shafted him over gay marriage ?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  19-May-2013:

KLOSED

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  18-May-2013:

ref  Davids B & C:

The Other David’s played his last professional match.
Tears all round.
Wonder if The Other David knows when to throw the towel in ?
(If he does we don’t think there’ll be many tears though  !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  17-May-2013:

CoE News:
Extracts from the proposed Revised Marriage Service for
Those Who Dance At The Other End of The Aisle

Vicar:
Who is the Best Man ?
Congregation:
Let’s find out (all kneel)
Vicar:
Who giveth this wotever to this wotever ?
The One With The Less Money’s Father:
No photographs please
Vicar:
Do you XY take XY (or vice versa)
to have (Fill in as/ disposition of happy couple)
and to hold
(S&M to taste)
Vicar:
You may now exchange rings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  16-May-2013:

A Paradox:

UKIP Voters !
If you really wanted to leave Europe you’d join The Tory Party to be with all the others same

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  15-May-2013:

UKIP OOD:
617 Sqdn are practising tomorrow.
Shhhhhh
Nobody let-on.
Merkels are everywhere.
Walls have ears (etc)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  14-May-2013:

David (the pm person) is having a hard time reconciling himself to his promise of
‘Elect me and I’ll do as I promised over the possibility of Pulling Out Of Europe’
to his arranged retirement directorships.
Wonder if he’s thought of saying sod-it and joining UKIP ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  13-May-2013:

David’s Week:

It’s not widely known that David Cameron has a fine singing voice
but he has refused an offer to represent UK in The European Song Contest saying that
‘If you Leave Me Now’  wasn’t quite what he would have chosen.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  12-May-2013:

Shutted : Sunday
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  11-May-2013:

Reality IS a lack of
FarceBook / Google / Mickysoft / Tumblr / Twitter / (etc)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  10-May-2013:

In the aftermath of the recent Vatican scandals the Italian Boy Scout Movement is to withdraw its Brown Arrow badge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  09-May-2013:
Parliamentary News:

One Old Queen has sat on a chair near Another Old Queens Chair

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  08-May-2013:

British Army declares a policy of neutrality on gay marriage amongst personnel.

Expect more brown on brown incidents .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  07-May-2013:

Knock knock

Who’s there ?

Amnesia

Amnesia who ?

Ermmm . . . ……

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  06-May-2013:

The wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop quoting Meatloaf

But I won’t do that.

————————————

That said,  it’s generally going to be a queer old week or so

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  05-May-2013:

Sunday : Shutted

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  04-May-2013:

Bacon Promotional Council:

Bacon doesn’t start wars.

Bacon doesn’t finance wars.
Bacon doesn’t make armaments.
ie  Bacon doesn’t make money off wars.

People who don’t eat bacon do.
Ergo:
Eat Bacon For Peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  03-May-2013:

I got promotion at The Bank of England today.
It’s going to be a mint job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  02-May-2013:

After many years teaching sex education to primary school kids,
My mate says can handle any awkward questions they might ask.

Such as,
‘Sir why are we in the cleaners cupboard ?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  01-MAY-2013:

In the pub last night Fred was just looking nostalgically back to the good old days  . . . ……
You know, he said,  in those days men were men and the ‘gay’ specimens hadn’t been invented  . . . ……

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  30-April-2013:

Vulture carries 2 dead cats onto aeroplane.
Stewardess:
Sorry sir, only one carrion / passenger.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday 29-April-2013:

Architectural Tips:

To much messy detail to under the heads of walls can be alleviated with anti-frieze

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  28-April-2013:

Sunday IS Sunday IS Sabbath.

(NB.  Not the Black one)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday 27-April-2013:

A Bad One:

It was getting more difficult to fit all me clothes in the washing machine
Eventually I threw in the towel

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM  Friday 26-April-2013:

One for the kids:

Bloke walked into Music Shop and sees a rubber trumpet   . . . …… ?
What’s that for he asked ?
Shopkeeper:
In case you have a rubber band.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  25-April-2013:

Nick Clegg’s stopped the UK fuzz looking into everyone’s web habits    . . . ……  mmm

And he like everyone is part of everyone   . . . ……  mmm

Nick,  wot you been up to ???

mmm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  24-April-2013:

I know you don’t understand me but not caring about jls splitting-up really is the limit.

~

I have now taken the veil at The Little Sisters of The Silent
and can only speak (about Jesus) on alternate Tuesdays.
Contact me @ jls-survivors .con

~

Stop it.  You don’t care.  Life without jls is NOT LIFE !

That’s enough. File Closed.
(Hopefully for good and they don’t do a come-back !)
Ed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  23-April-2013:

St George has been run-in by the RSPCA.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  22-April-2013:

After much talk of budget cuts  Manc Corpy have got the local window lickers picking litter up in the main park to save money.
To kill as many birds with wot few stones they’ve got left in the municipal coffers they billed it to all as  The Local Disabled Annual Fun Day with Hide&Seek Treasure Hunt
and have invited The Mayor.
(He’s leading the pack at the mo’)

(Should this one be in The Daily Asspect also ?!)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  21-April-2013:

So, it is Sunday and it’s day-off day.
Bye-Bye ’till termorrer.

ALL SAID:
By the way,  did you know Maggie T’s jossed-it ?
Final IT Tutorial on this one  :  We give you the case for the off-switch !
AND THAT IS ENOUGH OF THAT ONE !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AM Saturday  20-April-2013:
System Report  :  Rather buoyant at the mo’ after yesterdays little windfall !
ie  After such a protracted dearth the many buses at once syndrome shows itself !
ie  Margaret’s passing then yet another big helper in such a short time after !
I can see us achieving literary excellence along our path to greatness !
Indeed,  I see The Booker Prize coming over the horizon as I write ! ! !

Still,  nowt’s come forward for today’s copy proper as yet   . . . ……

And this one isn’t !

Film Revues with The Stars.
At The Corner House Tonight:
Drinks and Nibbles
+
Meat and greet from Hannibal Lecter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PM Friday  19-April-2013:

!  Life After Maggie !
! It Exists !
! Thank God something’s turned-up  !
Rolf dearheart,  yerv save uz from the doldrums !
So,  to this afternoons catch:

~
Can you see it yet ?
~
When he showed me this old log,  all I said officer was
‘Didgeridoo my arse’
and then   . . . ……
~
All he said was  ‘would you like to see Jake’s extra leg’  and   . . . ……
~
NB.
Wait ’till they ask him  JUST WHY  he was tying his kangaroo down ?
~
Two little boys with two little toys,
Each had a poorly arse
~
If you thought the barbwire fence was bad,
BRACE YERSELF SKIPPY.
~
Would yer like to play with me wobble-board little boy ?
~
On reflection, I remember an episode of Animal Hospital
and I wondered at the time why Rolf looked so excited
when he was invited to look at a young beaver   . . . ……
~
The authorities really should have picked up the signs before.
I mean,  anyone going around singing:

‘Once a jolly swagman
Camped by a billabong
Under the shade of a coolabah tree
And he laughed as he sang,  and watched as his billy boiled
Who’ll come a’waltzing Matilda with me ?’

‘Down came a jumbuck to drink at the water hole
Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee
And he sang as he stowed him deep in his tucker bag
You’ll come a’waltzing Matilda with me’

WELL,  IF THAT ISN’T SUS,  I DON’T WHAT IS – ?

~
Could it be that Rolf’s boomerang has come back ?
                             ____________
                                      ——

THAT’S IT !
THAT’S ENOUGH !
It’s all now to the ODA sub-judice box and no more ’till the matter’s settled !
(Apols for the cheek + But Big Ta again Rolf !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  18-April-2013:

System Report  :  Iffy again

Got the bullet from the orange juice factory
(I just couldn’t concentrate)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  17-April-2013:

System Report  :  If only   . . . . . . ………………

Me dentist expanded his practice into a group type by bringing in a chiropodist
to use the spare surgery.
Big mistake;  now they’re fighting tooth and nail.

🙁

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  16-April-2013:

System Report  :  Iffy

! Waiter Waiter !
This coffee tastes like mud.
Ah sir that it might,
but on the positive side it is fresh ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  15-April-2013:

System Report  :  Iffy

When Fred Astair first started tap dancing he broke both ankles.
Daft bugger fell out of the sink.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  14-April-2013:

System Report  :  Krank as/ Friday last,  and,  it is shutted-down-day anyway.

ALL SAID:
By the way,  did you know Maggie T’s jossed it ?
IT Tutorial  :  We give you the case for the off-switch !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  13-April-2013:

System Report  :  ~As/ yesterday  (so far) !

If you though the fiscal crises was coming to an end and The City was being reigned in,
it isn’t.
Old bankers never die,  and they never lose interest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  12-April-2013:

All-right today ‘actually’ !

One for the kids.

Q&A Time:
Q:  What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds ?
A:  Tarzipan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  11-April-2013:

Krank a bit

Two peanuts walked out of a bar.
One was assaulted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  10-April-2013:

Bit krank

Used to be mad keen on computers,
but then I lost me drive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  09-April-2013:

Cannibal came home late for his tea.
His Mrs gave him the cold shoulder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  08-April-2013:

Manna from Heaven  :  The Good Lord has provided !

The Thatcher Texts   (to date)

Margaret Hilda Thatcher
b:  13-10-1925.    at Grantham,  Lincolnshire.
d:  08-04-2013.    at  Piccadilly,  London.
Sadly missed:
12-10-1984.    at Brighton,  Sussex.

Good Bye Iron Lady
Rust In Piece.

Let The Bells Ring Forth !
Let Rejoicing Flow Throughout The Land !
Following a protracted period of ill-health Margaret Thatchers condition
has been described as  ‘satisfactory’  by the last NHS doctor to attend her.

David
Just because your lot are now running round like headless chickens
trying to avoid oblivion by playing catch-up,
there was no need to pull a stroke like that.
Nigel.

Dear David
If you’re looking for someone to head-up the funeral cortège as proceeder,
you’ve only got to ask.
Love,
Tony.
PS.
I remain available for weddings, christenings, 18+21sts,
Gentlemen’s Smoking & Sporting Evenings,
more silly lecture tours for The Yanks,
confirmation parties (no Prods please),  and barmitzvahs by arrangement.
Cheri does the supermarket opening at quite reasonable rates as long as she can have a trolley dash before.

The TUC have passed a unanimous resolution to give a 21 Bum Salute at the graveside.

The French Foreign Legion have refused to be diverted from
chasing Taliban around Mali + Chad just to find Mark Thatcher in time for the London show.
‘Bon chance and fuck-off’  was their considered response to a FO appeal for the missing member of the cast.

David, who  does Prime Minister impressions,
has announced that a State Funeral is planned for the dearly departed Margaret.
What he has most unfortunately forgot to take into account is that due to cut-backs
the entire British State is now reduced to an 0845 helpline in Bangladesh
which is only open on alternate Wednesdays when there’s an ‘r’ in the month.
(And that’s with Bangla spelling as well as Brit)
Fortunately for the proposed show, he’s picked the right day and week and month.

Plans proper for Thatchers state funeral have been drawn-up.
It’ll be the first time a 21 gun salute has been fire into the coffin not over.

Thatcher bumps into Fred Astair wondering around in the ether.
What brings you here  asks Fred ?
Putting-on The Ritz  replies Margaret gloomily.
Well don’t expect much comfort up here  responds Fred,
there’s no such thing as High Society either.

David Cameron has sent his official response on behalf of HMG to the Thatcher household.
It starts:
‘Owing to recent information received concerning your revised domestic circumstances,
it has come to our attention that you now have too many bedrooms’   . . . ……

Margaret’s been rejected from Heaven, Hell and Purgatory for not being sociable.

David, (bless), is trying to wring his full two pennyworth out of the situation by recalling Parliament on Wednesday next (10-04-13.)  to pay their respects.
The opposition whips are saying it doesn’t matter if you don’t turn in just send a note from yer Mam when she can get round to doing one,
and yer can spend yer dinner money on chips and pop.

Nelson Mandela has sent a note of sympathy.
In doing so he has resurrected the old African custom of message by pictogram
signing as he did with
🙂

The National Union of Mineworkers have mounted an appeal:
Despite their much depleted membership,
HQ has been absolutely inundated with volunteers for their
‘Dig For Margaret’  campaign.

You know who knocks on The Pearly Gates:
1:    St Pete opens-up and on seeing her sends her on her way
Just what’s the prob’  spaketh The Blessed Margaret on departure ?
Pete:
We’re fully staffed but for a Milk Monitor in the primary school.
Fuck Off.

2:  Margaret knocks on  The Pearly Gates  for half an hour without receiving response from within.
She wonders off  dejected, disillusioned, and despondent.
Eventually she alights on a passing cloud and having no harp to play starts going through old speeches.
She arrives at  ‘The lady is not for turning’  bit
and a very loud voice booms out from everywhere:
THANK FUCK FOR THAT.

With the passing of  St Margaret The Blessed,
The Tory Party is in search of a living legend to take her place
as the icon of Tory principles to hold up to the raft –
the group psychotic donating donkeys and milk cows of knife&forking.
None can be found at the mo’ and the scope of search is being widened.
Volunteers are sought.
TONY !
Where are you son ?

Thatcher was only in hell for 24 hours before she managed to shut down 4 furnaces.

What they didn’t tell us at the St Paul’s public show is
she was to be going through The Crem’ curtains to  ‘Bat Out Of Hell’  played @ 140dbs !

Stop Press !
She’s back !
St Pete’s chained The Gates and Old Nicks shut the chute !

+    +    +

Margaret who ?
I’m sorry,  I’ve forgotten your name.
Belle Grano.  (Mrs)
😐

+    +    +

THE ABOVE WILL BE PUT TO THE ‘IN MEM’ PAGE AFTER A SUITABLE LYING IN STATE

Andy Taker
Your Caring Family Body Disposal Operative  (Coop Trained)

🙂

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  07-April-2013:

Krank continues and it is shut-day anyway

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  06-April-2013:

Krank again

🙁

This year the Local Bus Depot are doing My Fare Lady for their annual concert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  05-April-2013:

Krank again

Old lasers never die, they just become incoherent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  04-April-2013:

Krank again

🙁

Me dad was a glue salesman for a short while, but couldn’t stick it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  03-April-2013:

Krank again

🙁

Old programmers never die, they just go to bits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  02-April-2013:

Krank again

🙁

Without geometry,  life is pointless.

😐

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(Easter)  Monday  01-APRIL-2013:

Well UK snow of the winter appears over,
and the non-existent snow plough of fate doesn’t have to shift the white blanket of doom – etc
UK appears to have got away with it this year !
but, But, BUT,    NEXT ?!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EASTER SUNDAY  31-March-2013:

Sunday IS day-off day !    Easter Sunday is special day off.

Now go and chew yer Easter Eggs !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Easter Saturday / Easter Eve  30-March-2013:

Anagram time:
Desperation  =  A Rope Ends It !
So, now you’re all cheered-up:
The Earthquakes  =  That Queer Shake !

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GOOD FRIDAY  29-March-2013:

Day-off.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thursday  28-March-2013:

Nelson Mandela’s hasn’t jossed-it yet.
Am I your first text ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  27-March-2013:

One for the kids:

Who made King Arthur’s round table ?
Sir Cumference !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  26-March-2013:

The Westminster (It’s) Cooking-Up Blues

David’s got the shits up
David’s got the shits up
Da, dah, dah, da
Da, dah, dah, da
David’s got the shits up
David’s got the shits up
Da, dah, dah, da
Da, dah, dah, da
etc

(add salt to taste)
(To  La Conga  theme)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Monday  25-March-2013:

As/ last,  bin ‘off-line’;  an explanatory of interim:
Bin poorly.  Lurgy hast returneth with a vengeance.
So, and wotever, in catch-up to today’s illumination:

Why did Fred walk-out with a prune ?
Because he couldn’t find a date !

(Well,  wasn’t that worth waiting for !)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  24-March-2013:

Bin ‘off-line’;  an explanatory of interim:

Bin poorly.  Lurgy* hast returneth with a vengeance.

(*’WC&D as/ usual’,  as my dear lady would have it)

Normal service to be resumed ASAP.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  23-March-2013:

As police searched the house of Oscar Pistorious after the alleged murder of his girlfriend, they came across a list of 20 other women he intended to murder.
This is known as the shinless list

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  22-March-2013:

One for the kids:

Who designed Noah’s ark ?
An arkitect !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  21-March-2013:

Bought a dog off the local blacksmith.
Got the hound home and he made a bolt for the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  20-March-2013:

I say,  I say,  I say.
My dog’s got not nose !
How does he smell ?
I don’t know but I’ll ask him when he stops listening to his arse.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  19-March-2013:

Psst.  Wonna buy an old master ?
‘Arse In The Air’
by David Hockney.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  18-March-2013:

Fer St Paddy’s in retro:

Mary:
Oim pregnant and oim having twins
Paddy:
Who’s der udder feller ?

Mary was getting married.
Her mother took her to one side at dinner the night before and told her,
‘You don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to’.
Then she served broccoli, which Mary felt was double standards.

<TBC>

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  17-March-2013:

.

~

St Paddy’s Day:
See Yesterday + Termorrer

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  16-March-2013:

Fert St Paddy’s termorrer:

Irish Funeral Directors carried out Paddy’s last wishes taking the coffin around his favourite pubs for a final drink.
By the tenth they said they had lost the plot.

Little Paddy came home from school despondent.
What’s the matter, son ?  asks Mammy.
Little Paddy:
We were doing sums today and were they just too hard.  🙁
Mammy:
Wot happened ?
Little Paddy:
The teacher said either I couldn’t count,
or I was stupid,
or all three.
😐

What do you get when you cross bacon and a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  15-March-2013:

Q&A Time for Kids:
Q:  What do you get when you cross Batman & Robin with a steamroller ?
A:  Flatman & Ribbon !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PM Thursday  14-March-2013:

Me mate’s just started a record shop in Brixton.
Locals came in asking for anything by The Doors ?
Him:
Yup.
6 Cameras,
a Scanner,
a Water Dye Spray,
a Treacle Mat,
Compartmenting Drop Shutters,
and
a 140db Alarm
+
Strobe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Wednesday  13-March-2013:

Waiter:
And the vegetables Mr Cameron ?
Our Dave:
Oh they’ll have Navy Cake and Puff Pastry like me.
Waiter:
And the  Château White Lightning 2013  to accompany ?

(An addendum to a repeat really and hopefully a rare one by us,
but we feel fitting for the events of the past day and the coming ones)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Tuesday  12-March-2013:

History repeats itself because we never learn from the previous.

The Ed Speaks to The Nation:
THAT ONES GONE ON THE WOM PAGE !
(Why it wasn’t there before I don’t know – ?)
Old :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  11-March-2013:

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She:
Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research ?
Me:
All right, but as I haven’t got any we’re not going to get much done.

😐

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  10-March-2013:

Ge-Shutted.

(As they sprecht in der Farterland)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  09-March-2013:

Opened a new E-Mail address box yesterday and it demanded a password with eight characters.
Easy answer to that:  Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  08-March-2013:

If you’re betting on who the next Pope will be,
Paddy Power Bookmakers are offering 1000:1 on Tony Blair !
(sic)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  07-March-2013:

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She:
Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research ?
Me:
All right, but we’re not really going to get much done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Wednesday  06-March-2013:

Got one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out.
Well actually (shush please),  I pinched it off the short fat ginger kid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  05-March-2013:

Me mate’s from Glasgow where they’re hard people
but he was never smacked as a child
(Well,  maybe quarter of a gram or so to get him off to sleep at night)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  04-March-2013:

Although Nick Clegg has been voted  ‘Shit of The Year’  by 99% of the UK arsehole population in the recent poll,  he is thinking of taking time out to consider his relationship with the one bum who wouldn’t back him.
David Cameron said he is going round the world again ’till it all goes away.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY  03-March-2013:

Sundays  =  No Copy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AM Saturday  02-March-2013:

As the tired old retiring Hr Pope finally relaxed last night,  scratched his arse,  gratefully light a fag,  poured a bier out and then put his feet up in his new digs after getting through all the seemingly never ending nonsense of the ferfuffel of him jacking,  and then having to do a neat sideways shuffle away from the latest of the never ending stream of shirt-lifter scandals,
and then getting through all the leaving do’s including managing to keep up the appearance of beneficence to all the sycophantic little shits that made up his court,
and then the bumpy chopper ride
( Last one out of  Vatigon  as one wag put it ! )
he  mused and contemplated  and  contemplated and mused  and    .  . . . ……………………
JUST WHERE THE FUCK’S ME P45 ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Friday  01-MARCH-2013:

The wife’s going to a fancy dress party tonight.
‘Dress to Kill’  it said on the invite.
She’s going as Rose West.
A little OTT and in not quite good taste I feel.
I’m also a little worried too as she went on a method acting course last week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Thursday  28-February-2013:

The Vatican has just announced that after the outgoing Pope’s last public gig in Rome yesterday
and the appointment of the new incoming one,
to fill in the interregnum they put the stage up in St Pete’s Square and
Status Quo are to do their final concerts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Wednesday  27-February-2013:

Someone asked me which I would rather give up , beer or sex ?
The wife’s just getting craftier and craftier as time goes on.
😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Tuesday  26-February-2013:

🙂    ! DON’T FORGET COMIC RELIEF THIS YEAR !    🙂

As little as £10 can buy a simple hearing aid to help a disabled African tell the difference between a burglar breaking in and his girlfriend dropping the bog seat down.

Please give generously.

🙂

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  25-February-2013:

I tried to use that comedy technique of self-deprecation.
Found I’m not that good at it.
🙁

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    24-February-2013:

OUT.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AM Saturday  23-February-2013:

Going to see a band called The Prevention tonight.
They’re said to be far better than The Cure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Friday  22-February-2013:

Some people have skeletons in their cupboards.
David Beckham takes his out in public.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  21-February-2013:

Are they blocking Oscar P’s bail in case he hops-off with Heather Mills ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Wednesday  20-February-2013:

Ava Banana has a spiritual advisor.
Who was George Bush’s ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Tuesday  19-February-2013:

London Marathon coming-up again.
Last year saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.
This year could be very interesting indeed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  18-February-2013:

A historical perspective:

First the dodo died out when somebody killed the last.

Then Di died when somebody did ?

Dido must be a little nervous at the least at the mo’.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    17-February-2013:

Sabbath  :  Nobody Here  :  No Copy.

OOD:

Go to church / coven / mosque / schule / temple / standing stones  etc
(ie  Wotever yer flavour)

Then take yourself and your other half out

Come back tomorrow

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AM Saturday  16-February-2013:

Me tart had a romantic lingering look-back to Valentines day this morning and asked with note to the roses I gave her   ‘What is your favourite flower ?’

Organic rye self-raising  just wasn’t what she was looking for.

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Friday  15-February-2013:

Oscar Pistorius has shot his tart.
Not good really.    🙁
He won’t have a leg to stand on when it gets to court.
Mind you,  if he’d stuck a knife in her it would be in-line with his blade-runner reputation.
All said,  he did go a bit over the top for getting a crappy valentine that implied he was footloose,  but the pair of socks she put with it is mitigation enough for him to hop-off the charge we feel.

Cameron’s bridled himself with the latest band-wagon and called a vote on wot to do about the horse meat scandal:
Should we ban horses or just shop at Morrisons ?
Cards 2 in hand  /  Paired vote  /  Whips withdrawn
Yeas to the Left    /    Neighhhhhhs to the Right

I surrender.
It’ll just have to run the course.
Old :

So  . . . …………

Q&A Time:
Q:  What do you call a burnt Tesco burger ?
A:  Black Beauty.

Does anyone have a tooth pick?
I had a Tesco burger for lunch and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My daughter has always wanted a pony,
so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.

I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge,
and   . . . ………… THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat,
so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad,
wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers.
They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

I won’t eat Tesco burgers.
They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.

Wife’s gone round to her sisters tonight.
Took a look in the freezer – It’s frozen Lasneighhh for tea.

Tesco are now giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers, diesel and petrol.
The deal’s called  Only Fuel and Horses.

Motorist gets pulled over by police, who ask him to blow into a breathalyser.
The machine beeps like mad.
Copper:
I’m sorry sir, you’re over the limit.
Can you tell me what you’ve had today ?
Motorist:
Absolutely nothing, in fact I haven’t had a drink since last weekend.
Rozzer (putting on the angry act):
Just what have you consumed today ?
Driver:
Just a burger from Tesco.
Plod:
Ahhh,  I knew I could smell Red Rum.

Tesco burgers ?
An unbridled disaster.

Tesco Burger walks into pub:
Pint please.
Barman:
I can’t hear you.
Burger
Sorry,  I’m a little bit horse.

Those Tesco horse burgers are nice,
but I prefer My LIDL Pony.

46 people been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers.
Their condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter,
but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate  a Tesco burger,  an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger
to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats.
I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger.
(Cheltenham Gold Cup)

I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired.
I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Harrods burgers ?
What are the odds on that ?

On hearing about the scandal  tried to take what burgers I had back to Tesco
but they wouldn’t accept the returns.
Looks like I’m saddled with them.

I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
Why don’t you go to Tesco ?

Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers.
They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up burgers for Lent,  but I fell at the first hurdle.

Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality.
A spokesman said:
‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’

I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden.
There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers ?
Don’t worry,  it’s not the mane ingredient.

I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks.
You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

I bought some Tesco to get venison ones, but they were dead deer.
Bought the standard ones as a safe bet.

I ordered a Tesco burger in their  American Style Deli Cafe,
but asked them to hold the dressage.

Tesco would’ve got clean away with it by some lengths,
if it wasn’t for the DNeighhh test.

The BBC has just announced they’re bringing back The Galloping Gourmet  . . . ……

Following the latest allegations against Birds Eye,  Mr Ed The Talking Horse was not available for comment this morning.

Now the RSPB has banned Birds Eye chicken burgers from their canteen (just in case).

The Galloping Gourmet is helping the police with their bets.

The Bank of England canteen dinner ladies are looking into where Lloyds Black Horse went when TSB took over.

HMG have told Tesco they have to label what additives they have in their Value Beef Burgers.
It now reads:
‘Guaranteed Shergar free’

Angela Merkel has declared that such a scandal as/ has happened in the UK
could not occur in der Farterland,
not just due to their superior quality controls there,
but more to the good traditional burgers of Frikadale.

Went to the livery stables at noon today.
Shut – ? ? ? ???
No horses about and nobody around the yard and a sign on the door:
‘Gone to Lunch’

If they’d put a bit of cheetah in those hamburgers as well,
then it would really have been
Fast Food !

Just had my first poo since this horse meat scandal broke.
Going was good to firm, soft in places and the mount made the water jump
but I was much handicapped by neighhh paper in the trap coming out of the final bend.

All the meat counter staff at Tescos have jacked.
Since this scandal broke they feel they’ve been flogging a dead horse.

Anagram of hamburgers:
Shergar Bum

Tesco,
Everything you want from a supermarket and a little bit mare.

Think someone is trying to kill me.
Woke up this morning and found a packet of Tesco burgers in the bed.

Bought a burger at Tesco’s caf.
Waitress:
Anything on it ?
Me:
Fiver each way

Tesco have now withdrawn all salmon products from shelves and freezer chests
when Sea Horse was found in samples   . . . ……

😐

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
So,  that must be just about everything said about it now.
Let’s take a vote on the future:
Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers ?
Just vote Yay or Neigh
and let’s get it put to sleep once and for all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  14-February-2013:

! ST VALENTINES !

Poetry Corner:
Been married now for 30 years,
We call it Adlestrop,
The steam still rises,
But,
Nobody leaves,
And,
Nobody comes.

Valentines day today,  hope I get a card from Moonpig.
Might not.    🙁
She hates it when I call her that.

The wife came home last night with a tub of a new ice cream manufacturers finest and asked if I wanted some ?
How hard is it I asked ?
She:
As hard as your willy when you see me naked !
Me:
Go on then,  pour me a glass.

The wife’s not really up for Valentines today, she lost a tooth last night eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
I told her twice not to rustle the packet when the footy was on.

Asked the wife to let me come in her ear last night.
She:
You’ll make me deaf
Me:
I’ve managed it in your gob for the past 20 years but you haven’t gone dumb !

The wife’s been wearing Belfast Knickers for some time now.
(They’ve got a Union Jack emblem pattern all over)
Every time I try to take them down there’s a violent protest !

The box of chocs Vanessa Feltz got for the day was within 5 mins like her life – empty.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’ve got a knife
Now get in the van and keep quiet !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  13-February-2013:

Having a party this weekend so went shopping at the local supermarket last night.                    Got a bottle of Bacardi, one of Lambs + a big box of burgers for those who need to graze.  Let’s have a tote-up:  That’s one of white rum,  one of dark and one of Red.  That’ll do for a start and we’re over the first hurdle.  I’ll see if I can get some more fast food before we lift the tapes on Saturday.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Another Internal Memo to Subs:
Stobbit you burggers.

Old :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Tuesday  12-February-2013:

Vatican News:

The Pope has resigned ‘to spend more time with his family’.
(It’s a sure sign of the times when he takes voluntary redundancy)
As part of contract he gets to keep the picture of Madonna with the big boobies and his favourite frock
+
Use of the Pope-mobile on track days.
For a retirement presi’ Cardinal Puff and the other lads clubbed-up and gave him the choice of  a round the world cruise, a new shed with gardening tools, or a Swiss watch like the Dalai Lama’s.
It’s not known which one he picked but as he said he wanted to spend the rest of his days in reflection they threw a couple of mirrors in as well on top of whichever of the others he goes for.
Also he didn’t say who he left his locker to but one of the choirboy’s just pasted a smiley face on it.
There’s said to be no truth in the rumour he is to be swapping his old wooden cross for an iron one (with oak leaves) but his last words at the leaving do were:
‘See you all in Valhalla and I’m not bothered about the consultancy work’

Our Employment Correspondent writes:
The next one is supposed to be the last one so I don’t think there’ll be much of a queue down the Labour Exchange especially as IKEA and B&Q are opening new stores in Rome,
and the kids just don’t want to know it for work experience citing they can get that treatment at their local church and H&S should ban all that smoke inside.

Following his resignation from The Holy See, at a meeting of the retiring Pope and his new PR people, Slutchi&Slutchi,
it was agreed that The Vatican and Catholic brand was now well and truly buggered.
As a stop-gap measure it was agreed to immediately re-brand to JCMax
but a considered change of logo and company handbook was considered totally out of the question.
In a final effort to update the firms work practices the best of he Vatican Latin scholars are to put to work to firstly translate ‘funky’ into the Romanesque and then rap The Tridentine.
The Swiss Guard have been banned from playing Cardinal Puff at their rugby club evenings.

Did you know The Vatican Nuns say The Swiss Guard Taste of Chocolate ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  11-February-2013:

I didn’t realise I was dyslexic until I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

😐

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    10-February-2013:

AS/ ABOVE  :  TODAY IS SUNDAY.
THERE’S NO BUGGER HERE.
From  The Book of Live-reet.    Book I.  V.I.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AM Saturday  09-February-2013:

The wife’s making me a big meat & potato pie for tea.
She’s not a particularly good cook bless her,  but she’s a tryer and has just come back from from Tesco’s with 2lb of braising steak so she’s over the first hurdle.

Just had my first poo since this horse meat scandal broke.
Going was good to firm, soft in places and the mount made the water jump
but I was much handicapped by neighhh paper in the trap coming out of the final bend.

Me daughter wanted a pony as she’s too small for a horse
so I bought her Waitrose’s
just to be on the safe side.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

In House Memo
Editor to The Subs:
Thought we’d flogged this donkey to death – ?
Any more and I’ll horse whip yer.
Old :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Friday  08-February-2013:

Today we’re all out to lunch.

Should you need to Findus we’ll be in the stables bar at    ! Viva Lasagne !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Thursday  07-February-2013:

Wooden spoons are the best invention before sliced bread.
You can either use them to prepare food.
Or,  if you can’t be bothered to cook,
just write a number on one and walk into a pub.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Wednesday  06-February-2013:

If EVERYBODY who got the latest iPhone would kindly lower their voices the world would be a much calmer and pleasant place:
You just bought one of the fuckin’ things,
YOU DIDN’T FUCKIN’ INVENT IT  ! ! !

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

! STOP PRESS !
TODAY IN PARLIAMENT (sic)
HANSARD:
PMQ’s
‘Can The PM confirm that ATOS have found Richard III fit and able for work ?’
(sic)
A. Member.

And how will this affect Prince Charles and the succession ?
ODA.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Tuesday  05-February-2013:

The Rakes Progress or Interesting Tines  . . . ………………

Waiter:
And the vegetables Mr Cameron ?
Our Dave:
Oh they’ll have Navy cake and Puff Pastry like me.

Stock Market Tip:
Nick is wanting to come out of the Downing Street closet
David has just withdrawn the whip.
Sales of gag-balls are going through the roof.
Put yer best asset into Anne Summers.

Ecumenical News:
The new Archbishop of Canterbury, the boy Welby, has made his position clear on marrying shirtlifters stating he would not consider cloistering his feelings and he is right behind David Cameron.

In what is thought to be another floundering effort to regain the credulity of the Gt Brit Pubic
+
An opportunistic chance to stick one into The Parliamentarians:
The Police Federation of GB has said that even if ‘Gay’ Marriage becomes law,
the exchanging of rings in a public place is still an arrestable offence.

<TBC>

(Most prob’ ad nauseam)

Oh, and:
Life’s a Huhnet !
( I won’t show the court your texts if you don’t show them mine ! )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  04-February-2013:

Being an England football supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

[ Credits:  John Bishop  (scouse)]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    03-February-2013:

The Irish Stately Home  (Feck Hall)  as usual    :    IT’S SUNDAY

Please attend to your conscience + read the (unfortunately) now standing notice concerning UK roads to our Wom + Notices Pages.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AM Saturday  02-February-2013:

Walking the streets of Glasgow looking for a taxi at 2 o’clock this morning I saw the sign:
‘This door is alarmed’
I thought:
Just how the fuck do you think I feel ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Friday  01-FEBRUARY-2013:

Planning your 2013 jollies ?
Thinking of going to a spa hotel ?
If you haven’t been to one yet,  it’s like a normal hotel only in reception they don’t feel the need to plaster the place with fuckin’ big pictures of grey pebbles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Thursday  31-January-2013:

Just a touch of the surreal to finish the month off:

Crime’s up in multi-storey car parks.
That’s wrong on so many different levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  30-January-2013:

My old Headmaster died last year and I feel sure he is now in heaven and he’s looking down on us.
Always was a condescending twat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Tuesday  29-January-2013:

If you’re being chased by a police dog,
you’ll get clean away as long as you:
Try not to jump over a 10′ wall,
climb a fixed ladder,
go through a tunnel,
or on to a little see-saw,
or
jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Not holding your left arm up as though it’s in a high sling helps also.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  29-January-2013:

Attenborough said that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns.
(Well yer,  but a gun is easier to carry and doesn’t need to be fed river grass)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    27-January-2013:

Thought for The Day:
SOD-OFF    :    IT’S SUNDAY

(Bless You)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

PM Saturday  26-January-2013:

Thought for The Day:
There’d be a lot less litter if blind people were given pointed sticks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  25-January-2013:

Thought for The Day:
Cats have nine lives.
That makes them ideal for experimentation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  24-January-2013:

Thought for The Day:
Velcro:
What a rip-off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  23-January-2013:

Once upon a time little  David Cameron  wanted to be a  Great Statesman  and make his mark on history like so many Brit Prime Ministers before him.
! NOW HE’S GOT THERE AND PROVED IT !
Verily he has followed in the steps of so many  1st Class / A Star  Bullshitters before him:
Dave  ‘has had a vision’  and promises something after the next election which he could do now,
could have done before,
and,
his predecessors could have done in their time also,
(include Dear Tony in same)
but Dave somehow  (wonder why Mr Farage ??????)  hasn’t quite managed to get round to.
After an election when poor Dave will most prob be gone,
[With only his his Knighthood,  and Directorships,  and Consultancies,  and Cash-Cow Lecture Tours to The Yanks,  and what we’ll never be able to find out,  and his etcs,  and his etcs,  and his etcs  (no doubt)  to look forward to,  poor thing]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
he can rest assured he will have made his mark and be up there with rest of forbears.

God Save The Queen

Luv & X’s
Big Nige’  &  Switzerland.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  22-January-2013:

UK Military Surplus Sale:

5000 P45’s

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Monday  21-January-2013:

Construction News:
Job Vacancy.
Wanted:
Crane Driver for Vauxhall site.
Must be able to work on rota.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    20-January-2013:

ZUNDAY  =  KLOSED

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  19-January-2013:

Bag of chips walks into bar and asks for a pint.
Barman:
We don’t serve food.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PM Friday  18-January-2013:

Oh,  just one more then   . . . ………………

Glad to see the furore over Tesco Horseburgers has died down a bit.
Still,  if you’re still not satisfied the ones on the shelf are alright,  try the value meatballs:
THEY’RE THE DOGS BOLLOCKS !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AM Thursday  17-January-2013:

The UK Construction Theatre Presents:

Love’s Labours Lost  :  A Tragedy of Errors

An Act in IV Plays:

I
The Scene:
Once upon a time in UK Development land,  high in the sky,  Colin The Crane got up for work
Oh how he stretched and groaned,  as though something was jibbing him   . . . ……………..

Derek  The Crane Driver  is in the canteen at 07.00hrs having a quiet word with Colin on the site walkie talkie system:
What is it Colin,  asked Derek The Driver ?
Fuckin cut-backs,  said Colin
The twats are trying to save money by turning the lights off at early dawn
Silly cunts don’t ever look up and see us in cloud.
I agree said Derek,  I’m having another cup of tea ’till it clears a bit.
🙁

then   . . . ………………

II
In sight of The Air Ministry
(If it wasn’t for the weather and the daylight)  . . . ………………

That day,
Budgie did not have a good day.
🙁

III
The Scene:
Just outside site:
In a freshly painted knackered shipping container with a dubious crest on the inner door,         all set-off by some silly flags on plastic poles projecting through plastic turf adjacent to the two long sides of the cabin and with a few plastic pot plants and a fuckin’ palm tree in a barrel on some iffy flagging to the front   . . . ………………

Eric, The Estate Agent,
who yesterday had just bought the franchise to sell The Tower Apartment Units with his last penny got from selling his wheels and hocking-up his gaff and cards to the limit and beyond,
from Slippery Syd The Spiv,
who was fronting for  representing Dominic The Dodgy Developer in The Cayman Islands,
who was playing with his Uncle’s Bank’s over-night money long-stop fund,
but that was covered by an even deeper sink a/c that only his Uncle knew about,
so  if everything went tits-up with the cash flow in these strained times,
they could sit it out until they got all the tower unloaded to some bugger,
(and poss even put an extra floor or two on the top in the interim to make up any losses as no bugger ever bothered counting at that height),
sat down with head in hands and considered:
Everything to be considered,
just how he was going to sell the bloody flats now – ?
After a long pause and a bottle of vodka Eric walked into The Thames and hasn’t been seen since.
🙁

IV
Scene (multi – split):
Stage Left:  A scruffy unkempt office just off site in a semi-derelict warehouse overlooking all the scheme.
The room,  covered in fast-food carry-out cartons and coffee cups of all descriptions,
smells of foul air and ink  . . . …………

Quentin,  The Consultant Quantity Surveyor for The Client,  stretches and loosens his fingers and morality up to full flexibility
and sitting down at his desk orders:
x50 off  Reams of Best Taking-Off paper
x10 off  Reams of Best Contractual Script paper
x99 off Cases of Red Bull  +  25 gm of Speed
+  A gross of pencils  and  x20 off cartridges for the printer.
A quick call to his mate, Barry The Brief to arrange a meeting ASAP,
and then to the really serious considerations immediate:
Now,  just where do I begin with this NEXT CLAIM he ponders  ? ? ? ? ? ?
😐

Stage Right:  A smart office in the Portakabin village on site overlooking all the scheme.
The room, which has just been cleaned to a sparkle by Doris a local lady on minimum wage,
smells of worry, disgustingly fresh air,  and ink  . . . …………

Quegan, The Quantity Surveyor for The Contractor, stretches and loosens her fingers from the tightly knotted band of worry
and sitting down at her desk orders:
x50 off  Reams of Taking-Off paper
x10 off  Reams of Best Contractual Script paper
x06 off  Bottles of Valium
+ A gross of pencils  and  x20 off cartridges for the printer.
A quick call to her mate, Bob The Brief to arrange a meeting ASAP,
and then to the really serious consideration immediate:
Now,  should I follow Eric into the Thames she ponders  ? ? ? ? ? ?
😐

THE END
(for a bit)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  16-January-2013:

UK Turf Racing News:                                                                                                                            I’m putting a sure accumulator bet on this afternoon:

Tesco Every Day  +  Asda Premium  +  Birds Eye 1/4 pounder  +  Ice Land-Boy

running in                                                                                                                                                  The Griddle Steaks (McKempton)  and  The Off-Your-Trolley Handicap Dash (Supermarket).

Do you want in  or  neighhhhhhhhhhhh ?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Just ate a Tesco burger and almost lost me voice.
Now I’m just feeling a little horse !

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

In an effort to keep up with the times and become ecologically sound,  The UK Turf Racing Association has announced further recycling measures are to be trotted-out in the spring.  Details from  A. B A’Toir.   Rue Fine,  Brussels.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

All the meat counter staff at Tescos have jacked.
Since this scandal broke they feel they’ve been flogging a dead horse.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Military Police are keeping an eye on squaddies from The Horse Guards who appear to get free breakfasts and a trolley dash every time they pass Tescos

😐

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Anagram of hamburgers:
Shergar Bum

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

HMG have told Tesco they have to label what additives they have in their Value Beef Burgers.
It now reads:
‘Guaranteed Shergar free’

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Tesco,
Everything you want from a supermarket and a little bit mare.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Think someone is trying to kill me.
Woke up this morning and found a packet of Tesco burgers in the bed.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Bought a burger at Tesco’s caf.
Waitress:
Anything on it ?
Me:
Fiver each way

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Cheap Chinese imports of 1/4 Pandas are to be suspect also

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

If you’re shopping online and select ‘Burgers’ on the Tesco website they do give you a hint  …
It goes immediately to
‘Add to cart’

! THAT’S ENOUGH NOW !
! SUBJECT CLOSED !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  15-January-2013:

HMV closing in UK.

Are your waxings up to date ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  14-January-2013:

The wife just walked in and said she had some good news about the new car
Me:
Excellent , wot is it ?
She:
The airbag works    . . . …………

😐

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    13-January-2013:

SUNDAY    :    KRANK  🙁    /    NOT  🙂    =    SHUT.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  12-January-2013:

Back to work 2013:
🙁
Me mate died at Xmas doing what he loved . . . ……………….
Heroin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  11-January-2013:

Back to work 2013:
🙁

City News:
Pedigree Chum are the latest to firm to go bust.
The Bank’s called in the Retrievers !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  10-January-2013:

Back to work 2013:
🙁
Thought for the day:
Hedgehogs.
Why can’t they just share the bloody hedge ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  09-January-2013:

Back to work 2013:
🙁
Remember    ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet’  ?:
Graffitti common to cross channel ferries (in the bogs usually) in the 1970’s and early ’80’s:
‘Will the last Bricklayer to leave England please clean-out and turn-off the mixer.’    (sic)

( See you in Dusseldorf.    Yossa. )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  08-January-2013:

Back to work 2013:
🙁
And the UK economic outlook has just been received from HMG:
‘The light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.
Owing to current financial constraints we’re saying fuck-it and weighing-in the wiring.               See you in The Seychelles + Tuscers for hols.’

LOL.    David.  X.
😉

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday  07-January-2013:

Back to work 2013:
🙁
Mind you,  there’s new Scouse girl started at our place,  and
she’s gorgeous – very attractive.
Still,  we’re all keeping an eye on her   . . . ……  just in case
😉

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUNDAY    06-January-2013:

SUNDAY  =  SHUT.

BUGGER-OFF AND CLEANSE YOUR EVIL SOUL  (etc)

( I like Jesus but he loves me,  so now it’s all getting very awkward . . . …… )

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday  05-January-2013:

It’s easy to distract fat people.
It’s as cheep as chips to do as well.
In fact it’s a piece of cake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday  04-January-2013:

Picked up a hitch hiker yesterday.
I just don’t believe in leaving road-kill for others to crash into.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday  03-January-2013:

If you did miss  The End of The World,  then you can still catch it on iPlayer,                                and we think The History Channel + 1 is going to extend its remit for this occasion that wasn’t

😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday  02-January-2013:

Post  Xmas / New Year Festivities  :  Ye Ensuing Marital Probs:
Now we’re through the festivities the wife says she’s leaving me as
‘I’m such a stuck-up, self serving, self-aggrandising,  up-me-own-arse posh twat’
Really ?
I nearly choked on me  Double-Shot Cinnamon Skinny Latte Iced Frapaccino !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday  01-JANUARY-2013:

! HAPPY NEW YEAR !

And A Very Warm Welcome to the 14th Baktun of The Mayan Calendar.
It doth appear in fact we are all saved,  safe & sound,  and none of the predicted great catastrophes has in fact beset the world so we can now disregard those portents of doom and not dwell that old calendar now.
BUT,  THAT SAID:
You should see the fuckin’ size of the new one that’s on my wall now !

——————————————————————————————————–

Happy New Year & An Instant Death to All in Westminster,
BUT  (obviously)  FOR,
for UKIP and that nice lady in The Green Party
who will be the new opposition shortly.
(Lonely yes, but the new opposition  !)

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

THE SUB-NOTES STANDING, STD & USUAL:

JOINED-UP GOVERNMENT    =    JOINED-UP RESPONSIBILITY

VERGESSEN SIE NICHT:
IF NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS,
HOW COME THE BASTARDS KEEP MANUFACTURING IT ?

Oportet Operam Dore
However,  me thinks,  it just depends what you’re working at.    😐
Old :

And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.

+
! HELP ! – THEY’VE GOT OUR DNA !

!  STOP PRESS  !
An Inverse But Still Tasteful Marketing Promotion:
THE MERCHANDISE SHOP IS SHUT:

CLOSED FOR RE-FURB’ UNTIL
AUTUMN 2013  (Rev 1)
SEE THE NEARLY HEAD OF PAGE NOTICES
TO NEARLY THE HEAD OF THE WOM PAGE  !

!  BUY ODA T-SHIRTS WHEN WE RE-OPEN
(YOU BASTARDS)   !
Or the girl gets it !
(I wish – PLEASE don’t tell Mrs Ed)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DON’T FORGET:
Dressing well and looking good are essential.
A purpose in life is not.

Pinched from:    Dear Oscar (who else ?)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

COMING SOON  SOMETIME (!)
POST TAB RESPONSE FACILITY TO ALL ON ODA SITE
ie  Your chance to comment

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

>  THIS PAGE  :  Description  :  Tasteful daily adjuncts to a jaded world  <
>  THIS PAGE  :  Make-Up  :  A collection of pieces various without structured listing  <

>  THIS PAGE  :  Last Update Proper Loaded  :  HEAD OF PAGE LIST  <
>  THIS PAGE  :  Latest Draft to Page Script Standing  :  PM Wednesday  24-July-2013. <

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

All times noted to writings to    >Railway Time=London Greenwich<   * PROPER.
None of that funny foreign  ‘Eastern Seaboard Time’  etc
(Which they use in Southend)
or even any of that  UDT.
(Lark wot owr milkman ‘as)

* GMT.  +  When in season, easy-read BST.
(Which surprisingly contains no added E-Numbers, hydrogenated oils or salt
and is thought to be non-fattening and harmless to animals)
May Might Does not contain nuts.
(Noted for the sake of any passing plebs who may might be considering it
for referral to their social worker as grounds for their next claim)