ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap
ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater
If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?
Try telling that to the bods below mi-thinks . . . . …… ! Old : (Getting older, and looking forward to me own entry)
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FOR THIS PAGE : If you do recognise your own name below:
! YOU’VE FINALLY MADE IT !
! THE SEND-OFF YOU DESERVE !
eg Remember what a homage Uncle (‘I’m bad’) Michael got ? : See below
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YE CLARIFICATIONS OF STYLE / DISCLAIMERS bit:
As/ the note to The Home Page + Elsewhere:
Strong Language & Controversial Comments Below.
Some People Might Find Them Offensive.
It is gutter humour for the most part:
The easy way to deal with it if you can’t ‘gel’ with the idiom:
JUST GO AWAY.
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> THIS PAGE ORDER:
Last to step-out (I might be some time etc) to the head of list <
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2011
OCTOBER
Sir James Wilson Vincent Savile (dcd.) OBE. KCSG.
(31-10-26.<->29-10-11.)
TRIBUTES IN RETRO
We start this accolade peculiar
with the same NOTICE we append to
The Textual Relations Page
for Saturday 20-October-2012:
ANNOUNCEMENT:
For what we hope turns-out to be, indeed,
‘a true nonce’
and not a bow to a brouhaha of false alarm of public mass hysteria whipped-up by
obscure hidden slimy people lurking in the shadows
to deflect the proles (and plebs !) attention from their esteamed clients:
We find ourselves persuaded by the current public outcry of opinion and going with the flow of the Zeitgeist, (pro tem pro tem*),
to whit:
In view of our deplorable lack of accolade paid to
Sir James Wilson Vincent Savile (dcd.) OBE. KCSG.
(31-10-26.<->29-10-11.)
when he departed this mortal coil in the 2011 year
AND
the now (in 2012) sudden and inexplicable interest in dear Uncle Jimmy,
we feel all the many and various reader comments of
commiseration and adoration we are now receiving
should be put should be put to our above
‘In Memoriam’ Page.
To that,
we shall leave the few small offerings below standing for a little while more,
then they will be transferred to that page,
as a tribute in retro to the great ************************************************************ (Fill in own definition to taste until the OFFICIAL investigation pending has reached it’s conclusion*)
PM Saturday 20-October-2012.
So, to Uncle Jimmy:
for: THE THINGS THAT JIM FIXED:
There’s no such thing as bad publicity, they say,
but Jim didn’t fix the timing very well to benefit from his latest stunt did he ?
Jimmy Saviles’ career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of The Pops
he introduced Cream to The Small Faces.
😐
Scarborough News:
Jimmy Savile’s family have removed his headstone and the surrounding planting.
They’ve left it just as Jimmy would have wanted it:
A small hole with no bush.
FOR SALE
Almost Brand New Headstone
Just needs a bit of touching-up
Contact howzaboutthatthen?.com
Bet people keep quiet now about owning a Savile Row suite . . . ……
Jim wasn’t known for his heavy drinking but he bought 144 cases of
Laphroig Best Single Malt Scotch Whiskey just before he jossed it.
Apparently the local offy told him:
‘He’d be most amused with the cheeky little 12 year old that always goes down quite well and promises a return of to the flavour of the sod.’
3 Children’s Programme Performers have come forward to complain that Jimmy had fingered them in the ’80’s.
‘It was happened on and off and it must be said he left us alone for most of the time, but at one stage it was almost a weekly occurrence’,
said Sooty, Sweep and Sue.
Susan Boyle has come to the defence of Jimmy Savile and is whole heartedly rejecting his vilification by the UK Trial by Press campaign now being mounted:
She says:
I was in ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ when I was 13 and he came into my dressing room when I was nude and changing into my best party frock for the show !
He just averted his eyes, mumbled something about ‘Sorry, wrong door’ and walked out.
He never touched me.
Q&A Time:
Q:
What’s brown, smelly, 6 inches long, and you wouldn’t want to find in the kids bedroom ?
A:
Jimmy Savile’s cigar.
Our records show you might now be owed thousands of £’s !
If you were abused by Jimmy Savile when you went on his show,
TEXT ‘Now Then, Now Then’ to 88291 NOW THEN !
Apparently Jimmy Savile once applied for The England Football Managers job.
He was turned down because he wanted to put Seamen in the under 16’s.
HOW’Z ABOUT THAT THEN ?
I was on ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ when I was 12.
He never put a finger on me and no one else ever bum-punched me as a kid (or since).
My social worker says that being the odd one out of a peer-group fashion is the root of my problems and accounts for my condition and attitude.
Will I ever get out of therapy ?
Following the allegations of recent against Jimmy Savile,
yet more scandal emerges for the poor besieged BBC to deal with ! ! !
Someone has claimed they saw Rod Hull in his dressing room talking to himself
and fisting an old bird
McDonalds have hastily withdrawn their new burger: The McSavile.
The burger was to be a unique one:
84 year old mature meat pickled and to be presented cold between 2 young freshly developed baps.
Vatican News:
Monsignor Feelite Fixite,
The Holy See’s Local Appointments Secretary,
has revealed that Jimmy Savile was only two fiddles, a grope and a flash, off getting his own parish when he jossed-it.
Due to the current, and it has to be said, mutual, little local difficulties with PR,
Rome finds it can’t now put him up for beatification,
so they’ve nominated for their annual Fellow Traveller Award in lieu.
One of the Gentlemen of Rochdale with well developed sun-tans,
recently accused of grooming young girls for naughty purposes,
was known locally as Jamaal Fixit.
The wife came downstairs late last night in a brand-new see-through negligent. (sic)
‘Take me back upstairs and make me feel young, carefree and frisky again’ !!!
She just wasn’t impressed at all and kicked-off good style when I put on a grey-white wig and light a cigar . . . ……
Now then, now then I responded.
Our records indicate that you were once on The Jimmy Saville Show
and could be entitled to up to £8147 compensation.
Just reply ‘Howz About Then’ to register on
WeMineMoney.com
now and get a free
‘Lawyers 4U Fixed It For Me’ medal.
or
should you wish to opt-out just text:
‘Stop Jimmy Stop.’
(usual rates apply)
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile.
When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blind folded.
2013:Jan and it continues . . . ………………
In what is thought to be an effort to re-coup recent losses,
Tesco have announced that some of the horses in their current scandal have been abused by Jimmy Saddle. 😐
Now it’s Cyril Smith being accused of fiddling with kids.
😐
Well I am sorry kids, enough is really enough.
Marathon running Jimmy Saville was one thing,
but if you couldn’t outrun that big fat cunt,
then you deserved fucking !
<TBC>
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2010
2010 – November
Bernard Mathews.
Died aged 80
His funeral will be held next Thursday at Norwich Crematorium 11.00 AM
Gas Mark 6 for 3 hours. Flowers. No Stuffing.
Now who’s a turkey ? A. Turkey.
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2010 – July
Mr Moat’s Progress.
Before you send me any sick jokes about that gunman in the NE:
! Don’t bother !
It’s not even rauolmoatly funny.
🙁
Geordie Hit Parade
No 1 Spot:
Freedoms Just Another Word . . . ……
My trickcyclist says I’m a paranoid narcissist just like that nice Mr Moat.
SO WHY AREN’T THEY SHOOTING AT ME AS WELL ?
If they don’t lock-up that gunman by next week the reward goes up to £20K
It’s going to be a raoul-over
The Geordie Constabulary have just been through a re-branding exercise
Unfortunately the choice of:
‘The Moatly Krew’
has lead to some recent objections of an explosive nature from the public, a writ for infringement of patent from the band of the name similar, but a seal of total approval and endorsement from the magazine VIZ
When The Chief Constable of Geordyland was asked to volunteer some of his jolly boys
as extras for a re-make of ‘The Empire Strikes Back’
it didn’t quite turn-out as he anticipated . . . . . . .
Wi-eye does everybody want to shoot Geordies ?
Just seen Raoul Moats Lexus on ebay
He’s only asking coppers for it
All chip shops in Northumberland have been closed until further notice
There will be no fishy on the little dishy till the Moat comes in
By Order of The Chief Wi-Eye
Stop Press:
Man City have just put a bid of £45KK for Raoul Moat
They haven’t the faintest idea of who the fuck he is
but as every other fucker is after him they’d better get in there first
The Talaban have elected Raoul Moat as an honorary towel-head:
Oslama Bin Laden said:
Any twat who can hide like that + exist on nowt, while tying-up the Local Police + Brit Army for fuck-all, getting the attention of the world’s press when no fucker had heard of you before,
AND
All in some remote shit-hole of a hilly desert where the natives speak a language so incomprehensible, even The Hitchikers Guide Babel Fish can’t fathom it, and no bugger in civilisation gives a strangled rats fart about, has just got to be one of us.
Good Luck Old Boy
Uncle Ossy
Somewhere-in-Gateshead
Allah-al-Aqbah
Wi-Eye The Lads
Coom-On-The-Toon
etc
Midday News
Raoul Moat was arrested @ 03.15hrs this morning in the middle of Newcastle
Police said he was just too easy to spot:
He was the only Geordie not carrying a drink in his hand, walking straight and wearing a shirt
Postcard to Mr Moat:
Hi Raoul
If you wanted a good place to hide you should have tried Portugal
Love Maddie
x.
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2010 – May
Ventriloquist Ray Allen has died at the age of 79 . . . . . …………………………………… Lord Charles is speechless.
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2009
2009 – October
Footlights News:
In Tribute: We are another Boyz-ole less. Lionel Blair.
There was a young singer named Gateley,
Who hasn’t been emitting much lately,
With a willy up his bum and a bottle of rum,
His trip to the sun ended fatally.
After the death of Stephen Gateley in his Spanish villa show biz stars have been paying their tributes:
Ronan Keating said he was gutted.
Louis Walsh said he was devastated after learning the world had lost losing such a talented performer.
Michael Barrymore just declared his innocence as he packed a suitcase . . . …
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2009 – September
Footlights News:
Matt Lucas regrets his comments at his recent divorce
It wasn’t quite what he meant when he said he would have liked his ex:
‘To have been better hung’
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2009 – June
On the much lamented passing of the genius of Michael Jackson:
Jacko goes to heaven and bumps into Elvis
Being of polite upbringing he introduces himself
and tells Elvis he married his daughter
Thank The Fucking Lord for that ! shouts Elvis
These twats told me she married a black !
The Jackson 4 have just announced a come-back tour
As dear Michael was 90% plastic at the end, it was been decided not to cremate him traditionally but melt him down for lego bricks so that the kids can play with him for a change.
As poor Michael was being wheeled into the hospital at his last,
he remained cheerful and ever hopeful to the end as he managed a quiet word with
the Head Porter Orderly to see if there was any room in the children’s ward.
Ever the family man Michael was once asked by his son:
‘What’s wanking Dad ?’
Michael explains and shows him
telling he can use his own willy when he’s 13.
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WIP : We’re collating further right now for a ‘Hall of Fame’ retrospective
Watch this space etc
George Best – You’re not forgotten
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For Me-Self – Just can’t wait ’till we get Cliff Richard to play with. 🙂
In anticipation, Old :
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THE SUB-NOTES STANDING, STD & USUAL:
VERGESSEN SIE NICHT:
IF NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS,
HOW COME THE BASTARDS KEEP MANUFACTURING IT ?
Oportet Operam Dore However, me thinks, it just depends what you’re working at. 😐
Old : Ed.
And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.
+
! HELP ! – THEY’VE GOT OUR DNA !
! STOP PRESS !
An Inverse But Still Tasteful Marketing Promotion:
THE MERCHANDISE SHOP IS SHUT:
🙁
CLOSED FOR RE-FURB’ UNTIL AUTUMN 2013
SEE NOTICE TO HEAD OF WOM PAGE !
! BUY ODA T-SHIRTS WHEN WE RE-OPEN
(YOU BASTARDS) !
Or the girl gets it !
(I wish – PLEASE don’t tell Mrs Ed)
COMING SOON – POST TAB RESPONSE FACILITY TO ALL ON ODA SITE
ie Your chance to comment
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> THIS PAGE : Description : Tasteful Eulogies to The Dearly Departed <
> THIS PAGE : Make-Up : Total adulation (usually well, occasionally) <
> THIS PAGE : Last Update Proper Loaded : To head of page list <
> THIS PAGE : Latest Draft to Above : PM Friday 18-January-2013. <
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All times noted to writings to >Railway Time=London Greenwich< * PROPER.
None of that funny foreign ‘Eastern Seaboard Time’ etc
(Which they use in Cromer)
or even any of that UDT. (Lark wot owr milkman ‘as)
* GMT. + When in season, easy-read BST.
(Which surprisingly contains no added E-Numbers, hydrogenated oils or salt
and is thought to be non-fattening and harmless to animals)
May Might Does not contain nuts.
(Noted for the sake of any passing plebs who may might be considering it
for referral to their social worker as grounds for their next claim)