ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap

ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater

If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?

===================================================

So, to end the year and reflect back on 2012:

PM Monday 31-December-2012:

We end this year as/ last with an Annual Revue, this time not of my own dear mother,
God Bless her, but of you Dear Reader who have supported us since inception with your
undoubted good will in many departments, but not those fiscal, as subtly hinted at below.
So, to Your Very Own Annual Revue:

After careful examination and consideration of your performance as a Reader during 2012,
I have formed the view you are basically a free-loading arse who wanders the www seas with a buccaneering stance always on the look-out for a free meal of intellectual stimulation but never having a consideration as to paying for same. Whether/ not you exhibit the acute bi-polar tendencies coupled with narcissistic leanings + poor table manners and body hygiene, no dress sense and habitual nose picking in public of my dear Mater is mostly unknown however such traits do seem to be attached usual to such as you both.
That said, we are ultimately dependent on your fine generosity and charity of good heart,
so I have decided to extend your contract for a further 12 months, or at least until
THE BOT SHOP reopens,
our Subscriber Level Service opens,
and our Collection Plate is passed round (Pt only please, Au if you can’t manage that),
so we can turn you upside down proper for a few bob.

In the interim:

Bless you for your interest.

As/ to you and your peer group omni; Please try to wash occasionally.

THE ABOVE IS FREE AND PART OF YOUR VERY OWN ODA CUSTOMER CARE PACKAGE (Ahhh)
IT DOES OT AFFECT YOUR STATUTORY RIGHTS (OR LEFTS)

PLEASE REMEMBER TO OBSERVE HEALTH & SAFETY RULES AT ALL TIMES.
THE FIRE EXITS ARE CLEARLY MARKED.

PUT YOUR ORDERS FOR PEAS IN AT THE BAR.
NEXT WEEKS ARTISTES ARE NAILED TO THE BACK OF THE SHITHOUSE DOOR
BLESS YOU AND GOOD LUCK FOR 2013 & >

==================================================

HEAD NOTES:

As @ Year End : See The Parish Notice Board

===================================================

Previous tasteful offerings continue below the notes immediately below

===================================================

ref THIS PAGE STYLE : STANDING NOTES:

ref The Pieces Below + Above
+
The E-steamed Wisdom Contained Therein:

For New Recipients – Yes, we do know:

1: They are for the most part, gutter humour.
ie 1: They are quite, quite, quite vulgar for the most part.
ie 2: They’re mostly crude, lewd and rude (some very much so)
+
Throw in bland, infantile, and gratuitously outrageous for good luck where they apply (often !),
and you’ve got a fairly accurate picture of just wot is below. 🙂

An Aside:
–> Ah, The Gutter : It’s where we live <–
No Apologies : There’s no place like home etc. 🙂

Ergo: Should you live on the kerb or above, some might well cause offence. 🙁
The easy way for the delicate to deal with it if you don’t want to
take heed of the sentiments of the nice polite version on The Home Page –
GO AWAY NOW:

aka. Piss-Off You Princess. 🙁 / 🙂

2: You might have seen or heard said some of the pieces below somewhere else before,
indeed some of them are so old they’re probably pensionable,
but please don’t show-off by telling us where and when they seen.
To date gentlefolk other of The Parish of St ODA might well not have had the benefit of the profound illumination & enlightenment contained therein and shed by them.
We don’t claim copy-write on them – Share & Enjoy.

3: The only things we’re trying to do for the better than the rest of the rabble,
is to publish in a form matching the idiom of the piece particular, in as intelligible a form as can be writ by us.
Where possible for retention of that idiom intrinsic to the piece, that form is put to something akin to The Queen’s English.
Oh, and we’re trying not to repeat the same one after publication as well.

So, Dear Reader,
This page in summation,
is a torrent of banal filth, innuendo, outrageous lies, smears and distortion,
general character assassination to bods various
all tastefully counterpointed with ‘politically incorrect’ anarchistic truths and insights
into the greater world
+
The ODD flash of divine inspiration and enlightenment absolute*
combined with good taste proper (again, very few and little !) 🙂

See our stance statements on The Home Page also.

*Reet Good. Couldn’t do better mi sen. Double coconuts all round. Godd J. Villa Omni, Heaven, H1 WC666

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For similar tasteful observations:

As/ above : See The Memoriam Page:
Immedicabilise Memoriae Immemorabilis
for the best in eulogies.

Remember:
The Commonwealth Games last + Football World Cup last + O&S other ?
See the base of the 2011 page:
A few out of the back catalogue to nudge the memory cell into a smile.

============================================================

To the previous of high delectation:

============================================================

SUNDAY 30-December-2012:

SHUT.

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Saturday 29-December-2012:

Footlights News:
Kylie Minogue + Robbie Williams + Elton John are taking a stroll round the park local to their panto theatre to get some air between shows.
Kylie trips and gets head stuck in railings. She grasps the situation waggles her arse invitingly . . . ………………
Robbie, being sociable, lets the New Year in early for her
‘Your turn Mr John’ offers Kylie
Elton:
Not so sure as I’ll get me head through those railings – ?
🙁

————————————————————————————————–

Friday 28-December-2012:

A Winter Reminder:
The cold season is with us and our native birds will soon be finding food very scarce.
Please got to your local Pet Shop and buy a bag of their special favourite food for our feathered friends.
No doubt you will be duly rewarded shortly after – After all, there is no finer site than a well-fed pair of tits bobbing around a nut sack.
Just remember it’s a bit late in the year to expect a swallow !

————————————————————————————————–

Thursday 27-December-2012:

My old Jewish Grandma survived everything Hitler threw at her and got through the Nazi nastiness. Ironically she’d be in danger of dying this winter if we didn’t help out as she’s due a bigger gas bill than his. 😐

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Wednesday 26-December-2012:

Lurgy or not : SHUT ANYWAY – IT’S BOXING DAY.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ODA Xmas Day Message 2012

NB. DO NOT
Accept Inferior Imitations from Windsor, Canterbury, Jerusalem, Rome + The American Colonies

As this, the dank, cold, rain sodden year of predicted much circuses and little bread,
staggers its grey depleted way towards an inglorious end in the impending EU constitutional
CRISES of TOTAL FISCAL COLLAPSE, whilst the said coming end of global TIME itself by
total annihilation of The Earth by the long rumoured wandering rogue
asteroid/ comet/ planet/ thingy of DOOM nags like an irritated haemorrhoid at the bum of all,
and the FATE of the despairing, unemployed, starving proles of UKdom who vaguely continue to view the world outside their fragmenting cells of benefit dependency,
(which are shortly to be reduced yet again by another engineered mass invasion of refugees from Eastern Europe),
through the rose coloured glasses of tentative HOPE when clutching further at their latest received straws of promised betterment,
the half hearted belief usual extended to such being born of a last desperate attempt to give credulity tentative to the best of the current crop of carelessly sprinkled fatuous promises spit out by, and endemic to, the modus op usual of the uncaring professional political class of practised liars who issue them,
all surveyed and supported by those who dance the media spiv dance of cynical illusion weaving for a living in the SKY of the nefarious theatre of fatuous fog projected 24/7 through the 66″ flat-screen one-eyed baby sitters of lonely isolated DESPAIR, is soon to be settled to Good/Not by Whether/Not ‘Their Team’ manage to
avoid relegation again this playing year or win a trinket,
I notice it’s very nearly the end of our work norm and we appear to have run out of
Time and Space and Tea,
so:

Av An Appy Won
AND, LET DESTINY TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

[ With the remembrances usual to Lyttleton H. ]

Dont forget to give ourdogsarse.org a daily sniff in 2013

SNIFF OFTEN. BREATH FREELY.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Monday 24-December-2012:

‘Tis Xmas Eve in Heaven and St Peter is entering into the spirit of the season and letting anyone in who has something on them that can be connected with and/or represents this most Holy and Sacred of times of The Christian Year.
An Englishman approaches The Gates and flicks on his lighter:
‘It’s a candle’
St Pete opens up for him
Taffy comes up and jangles his keys:
‘They’re sleigh bells’
‘Why-not ?’ says Pete and lets him in.
Paddy, much the worse for wear for his wake, staggers around a bit and finally bumps up against The Gates then pulls a bra and a pair of knickers out of his pocket and waves them in the air !
Pete:
I don’t give shit at which party you got them from;
How the fuckin’ fuck do you connect them with this most Holy of Sacred times ?
Paddy:
They’re your Carols.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THAT’S YER LOT !

It’s Christmas Eve and we’ve still got the lurgy, 🙁
so
We’ve wrapped-up for the next ~x2 weeks.
The burden of producing relevant copy proper under this plague + The Brit weather has won !
(FOR NOW !)

We’ll be back in The New Year.

Until then:
THE SEASONS BESTEST TO YOU ALL
WOTEVER YOUR PREFERRED FLAVOUR OF CELEBRATION
(Yes you got through another year despite wot the bastards arranged for you !)

Note in Retro:
Gaps now filled for rest of this year + December preceding : See above&below

PM Saturday 26-January-2013.

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SUNDAY 23-December-2012:

‘Tis nearly the eve of Christmas

And we’re SHUT.

Open termorrer (If we are spared)

============================================================

AM Saturday 22-December-2012:

As/ last: Still wobbly, but work continues.

( And Nabiro missed us – Don’t know about you lot – ? )

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AM Friday 21-December-2012:

My mate’s from Glasgow where they’re hard people,
but he was never smacked as a child … …………
Well, maybe half a gram to get him off to sleep at night.

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AM Thursday 20-December-2012:

People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time’.
So’s every other fucker.
That’s how time works.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 19-December-2012:

SHUT DUE TO LURGY : WIP. . . …… TBC.
( To be updated when we’re better )

—————————————————————————————–

Tuesday 18-December-2012:

So far this fuckin’ ‘flu and Norovirus that’s got us has only killed 47 people.
By the time it ends, they say it could kill up to 37 million.
It’s got to get going, hasn’t it, if it’s going to be the pandemic we’ve all been hoping for.

—————————————————————————————–

Monday 17-December-2012:

SHUT DUE TO LURGY : WIP. . . …… TBC.
To be updated when we’re better and we’d better get the better of the fuckin’ thing shortly
or the indefinite article fuckin’ poo lurgy thingy that’s got the better of uz will really just
get better and better at being poo and better uz proper who if are not yet better
at the mo’ and aren’t getting much better at the mo’ aren’t going to get
too much better in the near future and who really need fert better it
proper for Friday as then there might not be anything to get better
. . . ………………………………………………………………….
ever.

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SUNDAY 16-December-2012.

SUNDAY : SUNDAY IS CLOSING DAY USUAL SO WE’RE CLOSED.

==================================================

Saturday 15-December-2012:

We haven’t included a surrealist piece for a bit, so:

A short variation on a long theme:
Barman:
Do you want another pint Mssr Descartes ?
Renee:
I think not
Barman:
Where the fuck did he go ?

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Friday 14-December-2012:

Met Police Disciplinary Proceedings:

PC Bloggs:
In view of your inability to grasp the basic principles of good old established basic principles of British Constabulary Procedures, which appears to have come to light with your working in conjunction with The Parliamentary Political Protection Squad,
we, The Naughty Boys Who Get Caught-Out Disciplinary Board,
are issuing the following punishment for your recent breaking of the 11th Commandment
in Whitehall/ wherever you were at the time:
x6 Months off with stress on full pay with an order for you to attend a compulsory combined
Creative Writing and Use of English course with New Internet Communication Protocols.

God Save The Server.

—————————————————————————————–

Thursday 13-December-2012:

It’s The Office Xmas Party termorrer
All the tarts are somewhere between a perfect 1 & 2
Still, beauty is in the eye of the eye of the beer holder.

———————————————————————————————

Wednesday 12-December-2012:

The Big Sniper’s been out:

Patrick Moore dcd.

Alex Moulton dcd.

Ravi Shankar dcd.

x3 In A Row : Safe to light up now lads !

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 11-December-2012:

If the Berlin workshop studio of Kraftwerk were to catch fire and they died
🙁
Would it currently be a case of

God Rest Ye Jerry Mentlemen

—————————————————————————————–

AM Monday 10-December-2012:

Me tart asked me what I wanted for Xmas
Me:
How about a blow job ?
She:
Well you’ll just have to see what you get from Father Christmas
Me:
Fuckin Great !
If I’d wanted attending to by a big fat lump with a beard I could have asked her mother !

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SUNDAY 09-December-2012:

again
CLOSED
Today : DUE TO SUNDAY CLOSING USUAL
( Still got the lurgy as well ! )
🙁

===================================================

Saturday 08-December-2012:

Footlights News
Good News at last for Abu Hamza:
Guantanamo Bay are doing Peter Pan for this years Christmas Panto.
🙂

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AM Friday 07-December-2012:

Dear Noel:
Pay me £10K or I’ll say you touched me when I was on ‘Swap Shop’
Deal or No Deal ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 06-December-2012:

Footlights News:
Susan Boyle has a photo-shoot tomorrow for her new Xmas Album.
Simon Cowell wants to improve her image by surrounding her with proper ugly bastards.
The bus to pick you up will be at yours at 09.00hrs tomorrow, try not to miss it.
EQUITY RATES + 25%
+
Free scran
+
All the booze you need to obliterate reality for the day
+
Taxi home

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 05-December-2012:

Struggling to make ends meet ?
Does your out goings exceed your income ?
Xmas coming and don’t know how to cope ?
Well, if you get in touch with JS Money Mine Solicitors
it would be a very good time to say Jimmy Savile touched you up as a kid

😐

(cc: –> In Mem’ Page)

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 04-December-2012:

UK WInter Blues:

It’s not hypothermia that fucks old people

It’s The Tories.

——————————————————————————————

Monday 03-December-2012:

Our local Chicken Farmer is hiring staff for Crimbo.
I told him about your experience in handling cocks and you start next Monday.
£6.50 / hour. Wash your hands before you turn-up.

===================================================

SUNDAY 02-December-2012.

It is Sunday. It is Advent Sunday.

WE ARE SHUT.

Not least because I am still very krank and very wobbly.
(I also never miss a chance to whinge when I’ve got flu’)

===================================================

AM Saturday 01-DECEMBER-2012:

City News:

Coming out of Farringdon Station this morning I bought and drank straight-off a canned mineral water.
Outside, there on the pavement was a redundant banker in a cardboard box.
I carefully placed my empty can on top for him.
‘Thank you’ came a muffled response from under the sleeping-bag.
What for, I mused, (?) it’s for a bloody chimney.

——————————————————————————————-

AM Friday 30-November-2012:

UK Political Accolades:
Say what you like about our queer politicians.
They’ve bent over all ways to help ease a policy in.

😐

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AM Thursday 29-November-2012:

Went to marriage guidance with the wife as she had gone frigid.
After the usual interviews they examined her and then the in-house vet there put her on a new pill which he assured me would work wonders immediately.
It does !
Now we have sex every night !
Doesn’t matter what position I put her in and how hard I bang her,
she never wakes-up !

——————————————————————————————-

Wednesday 28-November-2012:

Travel News:
The Elon Musk Corporation of The USA are
proposing to offer one-way tickets to Mars by 2025.
They propose a price of $500,000.
Well look on the bright side,
at least it’s going to be cheaper than the UK
Virgin Rail West Coast Main Line
and there rumours of
ALL the bogs will be spas friendly size + Free auto upgrades to 1st Class if you book early.

(Still no mobies allowed in the quiet pod though and no indication
that they won’t prosecute you if you get off at the stop before terminus)

—————————————————————————————–

Tuesday 27-November-2012:

Today at least we’ve got one to brighten up your deprived and bleak existence caused by our down-time of recent:

! SHOCK HORROR !
The Hon Sec of our local Allotment Society has been arrested !
Someone tipped the Plods off that he was a peadophile so they acted right away.

(We’re not telling them he’s won prizes for it in the past and twice came Best in Show. His case comes up next Monday)
😐

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Monday 26-November-2012:

Woz closed for day for technical updates (aka mending fuck-ups).
The copy you should have had:

Rotherham Corpy’s 2012 Panto is to be
‘Jet Black’
This is an anti-racist version of
‘Snow White’
(if we’re allowed to say that, that is)
Casting for The 7 ~~Dwarfs~~ Vertically Challenged Persons
is to be tomorrow at 7.00 PM
in
The ~~Church~~ None-Threatening Place of Assembly to Enact Religious Rites Hall.

Jet Black is to be played by
The other said characters of the title are to date, now:
Dealer, Runner, Hip-Hop ‘Artiste’ & Pimp.
Apparently no one can find another x3 occupations in character as yet.
Can you attend ?

===================================================

SUNDAY 25-November-2012.

SHUT.

===================================================

AM Saturday 24-November-2012:

Kids driving you daft ?
Have the little gets pushed their luck just one time to many ? ?
Can’t be putting-up with the idle piss-taking little shits any longer ? ? ?
Just can’t reconcile yourself any more to you and your partner flogging yourselves to death to house, clothe and feed the ungrateful little bastards ? ? ? ?

! JOIN UKIP NOW !

and report yourself to ‘Social Services’

——————————————————————————————

Friday 23-November-2012:

Tony has declared himself as The New Pharaoh.

😐

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Thursday 22-November-2012:

After our recent Consumer Survey we find we have to announce that 83% of our Readers don’t like meaningless statistics.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 21-November-2012:

News News:

Rebecca Brookes has been arrested.

LOL.

David.

(X)

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 20-November-2012:

Church News:

If God had meant us to have women vicars and bishops she would have put bogs in the vestry in the first place.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 19-November-2012:

UK City News:

Construction Sector:

mssrs Absurdum Absurdum & Co, Chancersry Row, WC666, have at noon today filed for pre-bankruptcy and Receivers protection in The High Court for the pending demise of their Client Sir ? BLANK SPACE ? Civil Engineering & Construction plc. They cite being in receipt of a mass petition for withdrawal from contracts from their unknown Clients’ Clients. Apparently The Clients of the second part, have cited they cannot be in contract with someone who can’t be named (the Clients of the first part should they so exist to be so) and therefore might well not exist – ? Collectively they are also demanding a return of all cheques issued to Absurdum, Absurdum & Cos’ said Client, (The Clients of the first part), and all contracts with Absurdum Absurdum & Cos’ said Client of the first part, should he exist, or not, or be thinking about it, are now to be declared null and void. Being a reasonable bunch, (The Clients of the second part), they further state in unison that as they’ve been getting along splendidly so far on site with Paddy on the JCB, they’ll be dealing with him in the future and they’ll sort everything out between them. In short, they don’t see a reason to continue with a man who never was, or might be, or is, or not – ?

===================================================

SUNDAY 18-November-2012:

Shut : It is SUNDAY
Shut : It is SUNDAY
Shut : It is SUNDAY
Shut : It is SUNDAY
Shut : It is SUNDAY
Shut : It is SUNDAY

===================================================

Saturday 17-November-2012:

I’m not saying me tart is a slag but she’s got ‘NEXT’ written on her knickers.

(ref The tech probs of the day : Above late, catch-up entry. Posted: AM Fri 30-11-12.)

——————————————————————————————

Friday 16-November-2012:

Took me new tart home to meet me Mum & Dad.
Me Dad pulled me to one side and whispered:
‘You could have done better than that son.
She is the ugliest pig I have ever seen.
She must be 18 stone if she’s an ounce.
Face covered in spots with lips like a cod of which she smells.
She’s also cross-eyed, going bald and with feet at least size 15 !’
Me:
No need to whisper Dad, she’s deaf.
🙁

(ref The tech probs of the day : Above late, catch-up entry. Posted: AM Fri 30-11-12.)

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 15-November-2012:

Me 10 year old daughter asked me:
Dad, what does ‘Coming Out’ mean ?
Well I said, it’s when a
~~queer~~ ~~arse-bandit~~ ~~up-hill gardener~~ ~~shirt-lifter~~ ~~tunnel tester~~ ~~BBC Presenter~~
~~minge-muncher~~ ~~dyke~~ gender challenged person
decides they have had enough of pretending they are not so.
They ‘come-out’ to their world of their acquaintances which symbolizes a re-birth of their own self worth and announces freedom from rules and guidelines imposed by society at large.
It is a sign of how far humans are becoming more and more open minded and accepting of differences in the human diaspora.
Mind you, if you’re an asylum seeker with a social worker, it usually means immediate parole.

(ref The tech probs of the day : Above late, catch-up entry. Posted: AM Fri 30-11-12.)

——————————————————————————————

PM Wednesday 14-November-2012:

UK Plant News:

Will whoever bought the tunnel-testing equipment on E-Bay early last week please contact Bobby McAlpine ASAP.

——————————————————————————————

PM Tuesday 13-November-2012:

Listening to The BBC emissions last and this week, as I do,
I missed the first announcement of the resignation of The Director General.
At least I received the repeat.

contd. Page 95 ( Eye: Ta again for that one )

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 12-November-2012:

Bell Ringing At St Queens:
As you might well know St Q’s have a well hung six a peal.
Daily after Angelus the following will be rung:
Bob Bent Over
Grandsire Triple following-up behind

Loft Notices:
If anyone knows who has been pulling Tarquin’s sally when his significant other, Oxford Major, has had his back turned, then they are to keep it to themselves.
Whoever widened the tenor’s garter hole after flying on coke at The Vicar’s garden party, thinking the said orifice was a glory hole is to see me after for a little personal jankers.
The appeal for funds for new ropes is coming along splendidly and Jeremy says he shall have it all tied up for MIchaelmass.
I end this with a request to all those who haven’t rung anyone’s bell for some time to enjoin with us in circle for Weaving Gallop.
Yours in Campanology
Gervase Rutland-Supreme
Tower Captain
St Queens
Little Clapper
Bell-End.

===================================================

SUNDAY 11-November-2012 : 11.00 hrs :

it is sunday:

IT IS:

REMEMBRANCE SUNDAY

DO IT.

WE ARE CLOSED.

===================================================

AM Saturday 10-November-2012:

Paddy goes for a job on a chemical plant telling the Foreman he’s had previous experience.
Foreman:
What’s nitrate Paddy ?
Paddy:
Hopefully twice day-rate.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 09-November-2012:

What do we want ?

Everything we demand.

What is that ?

Somebody to listen to us in the first place.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 08-November-2012:

What do we want ?

No more challenges

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 07-November-2012:

What do we want ?

Now !

When do we want it ?

A cure for amnesia

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 06-November-2012:

WHAT DO WE WANT ?
A CURE FOR TOURETTES.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT ?
WANKER

(In case you thought we’d forgot the surreal pieces) !

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 05-November-2012:

Met the lesbian from next door with a face as long as a donkeys willy and crying her eyes out coming out of our chippy last night.
Wot’s up Butch, I asked ?
Butch:
You know I’m trying to have a baby but I still can’t find a Sperm Donor. 🙁
Have you tried Abdul’s round the corner, I asked (?),
but watch him with the chilli sauce.

===================================================

SUNDAY 04-November-2012:

sunday.is.our.shut.day.

got nowt to say BUT for

UK Traffic News – WARNING:

If you have a prang on the M60 today

you’re very likely to be on your own : it is sans motorway support staff

🙁

See tomorrow’s copy

😐

===================================================

AM Saturday 03-November-2012:

Chatting to a girl in the pub last night and thought she was up for it.
Me:
Come back to my place for the best sex of your life.
She:
My boyfriend’s behind you.
Me:
I’m glad he approves.

Credits: Scouse Carpet Shop. Portwood, Stockport. UK

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 02-November-2012:

UK Space City News:
Sleep easy:
Nabiro is not going to be another Comet crash.
🙂

——————————————————————————————

PM Thursday 01-NOVEMBER-2012:

We give you below an echo of our recent Puerile Persecution Week of recent to cheer you through the gloom of the autumnal day.

(Please don’t point it at us !)

Pharmaceutical News:
Leading Drug Companies have announced that rabbits will no longer be used in experiments.

Bankers / Politicians / Estate Agents / General Spivs / Parking Wardens / Apparatchiks, General & Slimy & Slippery / Quantity Surveyors / . . . . …….
>One of The Usual Suspects : Add own choice-favourites to taste<

are to be used instead.
A top Researcher behind the move said:
‘They cost a bit more to feed, but that’s more than off-set by them
being much more readily available,
and you don’t get fond of them.’

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Wednesday 31-October-2012:

An ODA BOGOF DAY:

1: Just couldn’t resist this next one on dear Uncle Jimmy.
Another one to be put here in the rolling list as it’s right in the Zeit’ for other happenings of now and would only get out of time if put to his main accolades:

If only they’d named Hurricane Sandy;
Hurricane Uncle Jimmy,
then there’d only have been minor damage.
😐

( Wot did you expect for a freebie day – quality ? ! )

2: THE ODA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL : Ooooooooooooo etc . . . ……

! HALLOWEEN SPOOKY WIRELESS !

Psychic Syd here.
Tonight I’m answering callers questions on those on the other side:

Our first caller is a Mr Fahey who is phoning on behalf of himself and a Mr D. Duckenfield, a Mr D. Crompton and a Mr B. Hogan-Howe
who, Mr F. says, are all in the same trade as him
+
A certain Lord Justice Taylor.
They’re also enjoined by a Mr K. MacKenzie who the others don’t seem to get along with,
but here we go, that’s show business lads,
innit ?

They all apparently have the same problem of getting garbled messages from the spirit world.
Mr F. asks:
‘Why do we keep getting this questioning voice in our heads ?’

Well let’s see if we can make contact with the other side for you gentlemen . . . ……
Ahhhhhh . . . . . . . ……. AH ! I AM IN TOUCH NOW !
Mr F . . . ……

Yes, I hear you.
Who is it Psychic Syd ?

It’s a Mr Tomlinson.
He’d like to know who does your publicity & PR. ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 30-October-2012:

Hope you remembered to put your clocks back last weekend.
I’ve put mine back to the 1930’s:
The work situation’s much the same but at least there’s nowhere near as many immigrants.

😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 29-October-2012:

THIS YEARS ODA XMAS RECORD COMPILATION:

With year’s offering we’re paying tribute to that prolific ~~songster~~ thingy
Garry Glitter
in this assembly of just 69 of some of his greatest hits.

Below Garry’s delightful offerings are x6 of the best
of his, covered by another who has given us so much recently
and does seem indeed to hold much promise of further in the future
(aka Filling even more print columns)
for many years to come.
They are the previously unknown covers of the great arranger:

The Bonus Tracks by his co-artiste on so many projects : Sir James Savile OBE.

Intro:

01: Hello Hello I’m Back Again

02: Hair Of The Dog

03: Another Rock And Roll Christmas

04: All That Glitters (Medley)

05: Personality

06: Good For No Good

07: The Wanderer

08: A Little Boogie Woogie In The Back Of My Mind

09: The Famous Instigator

10: Hard On Me

11: School Day (Ring Ring Goes The Bell)

12: Shout Shout Shout

13: If You Want Me

14: Cupid

15: Just Fancy That

16: Close To You

17: Haven’t I Seen You Somewhere Before ?

18: Let’s Dance Sexy

19: You Belong To Me

20: I Belong To You

21: When I’m On I’m On

22: Let’s Get Together Again

23: Lonely Boy

24: Heartbreaking Blue Eyed Boy

25: Angel Face

26: Be My Baby

27: Donna

28: Shaky Sue

29: Runaround Sue

30: Just For You

31: I’ll Carry Your Picture Everywhere

32: I’m Not Just A Pretty Face

33: Oh Yes You’re Beautiful

34: To Know You Is To Love You

35: Always Yours

36: Love Like You And Me

37: Easy Evil

38: I Hear You Knocking

39: Come On Come In Get On

40: Ready To Rock

41: Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)

42: What Your Mama Don’t See (Your Mama Don’t Know)

43: I Dare You To Lay One On Me

44: Get It On

45. And Then She Kissed Me

46: Doing Alright With The Boys

47: Hold On To What You Got

48: I Love, You Love, Me Love

49: Hands Up! It’s A Stick Up

50: Didn’t I Do It Right ?

51: Finder’s Keepers

52: Baby Please Don’t Go

53: Let’s Get Together Again

54: Money Honey

55: I.O.U.

56: Satan’s Daughters

57: Dance Me Up

58: It Takes All Night Long

59: I Didn’t Know I Loved You (Till I Saw You Rock And Roll)

60: Oh What A Fool I’ve Been

61: Too Late To Put It Down

62: Roll Of The Dice

63: Rock & Roll I Gave You The Best Years Of My Life

64: Crash, Crash

65: Goodbye My Love

66: Ain’t That A Shame

67: Boys Will Be Boys

68: Oh No !

69: Didn’t I Do It Right ?

S1: I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am) (Bonus)

S2: And The Leader Rocks On (Bonus)

S3: I’m Right, You’re Wrong, I Win (Bonus)

S4: I Would If I Could But I Can’t (Bonus)

S5: Not Responsible (Bonus)

S6: Remember Me This Way (Bonus)

! AND, REMEMBER TO ORDER EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH !

(Sent to you in a plain brown wrapper marked ‘pervy’

===================================================

SUNDAY 28-October-2012:

sunDAYSUNdaysunDAYSUNdaysunDAYSUNday

we are closed

bugger-off.

===================================================

Saturday 27-October-2012:

UK Seasonal Time Change:

END of BST : RETURN to GMT:

Before you got to bo-bo’s tonight:

Please remember to rotate your sundial clockwise by 30 degrees.

Schlaf Gut !

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 26-October-2012:

Austrian man about to jump out of high altitude balloon capsule stands on jump launch platform looking downwards and surveying the scene below for a full 5 minutes.
Ground Control asks:
‘Have you got vertigo ?’
Austrian Mann:
‘~40 Km’

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 25-October-2012:

Scouser on the Brit TV Show
‘Do You Want To Be A Millionaire ?’
gets through to the final question without hesitation or fluffing anything and with all lives intact.
(‘Cos that’s wot Scousers are like)
Chris Tarrent, the show host:
For your final question for £1Million, I want you to take your time and remind you you still have all 3 ‘lives’ left:
You can Phone a friend,
Take a 50/50 chance on our removal of 2 incorrect answers,
Take the audience vote.
So, Scouse:
Who was the Ronny in The Great Train Robbery ?
Was it:
Ronny Scott ?
Ronny Corbet ?
Ronny Biggs ?
Ronny Woods?
Scouse:
I’ll take the £500K as it is Chris.
Tarrent:
I remind you again to take your time and you’ve all 3 lives left.
Scouse:
I know who it is anyway but I’m not a grass.

Credits: The Scouse Carpet Shop, Portwood, Stockport. UK.

—————————————————————————————–

Wednesday 24-October-2012:

Entered me tart in ‘A Saggy Tits Competition’
She wipe the floor with him.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 23-October-2012:

Can’t remember if we’ve kept -up with The Surreal Spot:
Fred/Albert/George:
Can’t remember if I sent you the following – ?
Regards
Al Zheimer

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 22-October-2012:

Viagra Pharmaceuticals have just released a new pill called Viagra 007.
It doesn’t make you any harder, it just makes you Roger Moore.

[ Crass, short & sweet to start the week. 🙂 ]

===================================================

SUNDAY 21-October-2012:

S s U h ND u A t Y

S s H un U da T y

===================================================

PM Saturday 20-October-2012:

The ‘Car of The Year’ as voted by Women’s Own Mag readers is:

A Blue One.

😐

——————————————————————————————

AM FrIday 19-October-2012:

The wife crashed the car into a bloke this morning.
🙁
He had been talking on his mobile and looking upwards at time of the impact so she smelled his breath and found he had been drinking.
🙁
She reported him to the police when they arrived at the scene.
🙁
They told her he was perfectly free to to do just what he wanted to in the privacy of his own conservatory.
😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 18-October-2012:

Went to a Salsa Class last night.
Felt a right twat turning-up with a bag of tortillas and a bottle of tomato sauce.
😐

——————————————————————————————

PM Wednesday 17-October-2012:

One of the Zeit current, so left here:

Free:
‘Jim Fixed It For Us’
Medallions

SAE. to:
Met Marketing Dept
Scotland 0.9144m
South of Watford.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 16-October-2012:

Hi-Tech Geordie:

Y-i mon.

(Well, you can’t get much shorter and sweeter than that !)

——————————————————————————————

Monday 15-October-2012:

Me black mate Rastus snapped at me once:
Don’t make any jokes and digs at me about being black.
I can do everything you can and just as well.
😐
All-right, I responded, we all have bad days,
NOW, clever twat,
grow a fringe.

===================================================

SUNDAY 14-October-2012:

zZZZzZZZzZZzZZzzZZzZZzZZzZZzzZZzZZzZZzZZz

day-off

DAY OFF – BOG OFF – DAY OFF

zZZZzZZZzZZzZZzzZZzZZzZZzZZzzZZzZZzZZzZZz

===================================================

AM Saturday 13-October-2012:

As a fitting end to Vilify Your Favourite Twat Week:

Q&A Time.

Q: Wot’s more fun than spinning a

Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden / Apparatchik, General & Slimy & Slippery / Quantity Surveyor / . . . . …….
>One of The Usual Suspects : Add own choice-favourites to taste<

round on a rotary clothes line at 100mph ?

A: Stopping the bugger with a spade.

🙂

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 12-October-2012:

Just got the Christmas lights out
Oh how they remind me of:

Bankers / Politicians / Estate Agents / General Spivs / Parking Wardens / Apparatchiks General & Slimy & Slippery / Quantity Surveyors / . . . …… TBC . . . . …….
>One of The Usual Suspects : Add own choice-favourites to taste<

Hardly any of the fuckers do useful work
They’re all interconnected being chained together, but would look so much better hanging from a tree.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 11-October-2012:

On going to work today, for the 4th time this week I walked past an ex

Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden / General Apparatchik Slimy / Quantity Surveyor / . . . …… TBC . . . . …….
>One of The Usual Suspects : Add own choice-favourite to taste<

blinded, fallen on hard times and was begging in the street:
‘Any change mate ?’ he asked as usual in hope.

I paused and considered . . . ……
Nope, you’re still a twat.

Bonus Special Extra:

Today is ‘International Coming-Out Day’ (sic)
It’s for all the hidden ‘closet’ benders & arse-bandits to reveal themselves in their true colours.
😐
Fred, I know what you’re thinking,
us lesbians never seem to get a mention.
🙁
Regards,
Yours Under The Thumb,
Albert.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 10-October-2012:

I do so hate having Tourettes syndrome. 🙁
It takes total control, forcing you to shout out things you don’t want to. 🙁
The worst was yesterday when I saw the

Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden / General Apparatchik Quantity Surveyor / . . . …… TBC . . . . …….
>One of The Usual Suspects : Add own choice-favourite to taste<

from the big house in the next street. 😐

I just couldn’t stop myself and shouted out:
‘Good morning sir, I do hope you are well and in good cheer’

I do fear there is no cure – ? ? ? ???

😐 😐 😐 😐 😐 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 09-October-2012:

Was in the kitchen making breakfast this morning when I heard a scream for help from outside !
I dropped everything, rushed out and saw a

bleeding to death in the gutter after being hit by a hit & run driver !
I must admit I first took a step back at the sight of it, then the sheer nature of the horror hit me
! SHIT!
Me toast was burning !

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 08-October-2012:

LET’S HAVE . . . ……

! HAMMER THE UNIVERSAL FAVOURITES WEEK !

Yours, Mine, EVERYBODY’S !

(! Add own personal favourite additionals to taste !)

So, to the feast:

I’m gutted.
🙁
I’ve found there’s a
Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden / Quantity Surveyor
(add own choice-favourite to taste)
in our family tree.
🙁

Mind you, I must admit, he does look fucking good and rather tasteful,
just hanging there.
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

===================================================

SUNDAY 07-October-2012:

it
Is
THe
DAY

B E T W E E N

saturday
>&<
monday

. . . . . . . . . . . . …………………………………………………………………………

SO BUGGER-OFF AND GET YOUR A.D.S. ATTENDED TO ELSEWHERE.
🙂

===================================================

AM Saturday 06-October-2012:

Saw a
Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden / Quantity Surveyor
(add own choice-favourite to taste)
having a heart attack
! SHOCK HORROR !
(etc)
Tried to do the hand-only CPR like the Vinnie Jones shows you
for
The British Heart Foundation
>GOOD CAUSE (sic) GIVE GENEROUSLY<
in his ads on telly.

By the time I found me Bee Gee’s CD and me portable player,
the bugger had jossed-it.

😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 05-October-2012:

I’ve just down-loaded the online version of The Koran.
It’s fuckin’ brilliant, knocks the arse-end off the Christian Bible !
Would anyone like me to burn them a copy ?

——————————————————————————————

PM Thursday 04-October-2012:

Yesterday I went to the camping shop and bought myself a pair of their best sensible walking boots, a new Ordinance Survey Map + a top-end SIKA compass , a nice hand carve walking stick, a new vacuum flask and a day-sack 35L rucksack.
Today I took the train into the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles and stopped by a babbling brook, sat on a low stone wall and had a nice cup of tea from my new flask.
I the went on and walked another 5 miles and stopped and had a biscuit and a little more tea.
Then I, sorry people, I’m rambling . . . . . ……

(Sir James Savile’s eulogy of the day has been removed to The In Memoriam Page)

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 03-October-2012:

Those kids didn’t say a word about Jimmy Savile when he was alive, and he’s deaded fert best part of a bloody year !

So, just wot is the difference, now/ then, now/ then, now then ?

—————————————————————————————–

PM Tuesday 02-October-2012:

Jim fixed it for me,

to become a victim,

and get a claim in. 🙂

😐

——————————————————————————————

Monday 01-OCTOBER-2012:

ASDA wagon driver backs into a

Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden.

Oh well roll-backs are roll-backs

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

SUNDAY 30-September-2012.

1stDayofTheWeekorLastDayofThe Week
DependingonWhichPerspectiveYouTake
ItisStillSUNDAYandWeTakeTheDayOff
1stDayofTheWeekorLastDayofThe Week
DependingWhichPerspectiveYouTake
ItisStillSUNDAYandWeTakeTheDayOff
1stDayofTheWeekorLastDayofThe Week
DependingWhichPerspectiveYouTake
ItisStillSUNDAYandWeTakeTheDayOff
1stDayofTheWeekorLastDayofThe Week
DependingWhichPerspectiveYouTake
ItisStillSUNDAYandWeTakeTheDayOff
1stDayofTheWeekorLastDayofThe Week
DependingWhichPerspectiveYouTake
ItisStillSUNDAYandWeTakeTheDayOff
1stDayofTheWeekorLastDayofThe Week
DependingWhichPerspectiveYouTake
ItisStillSUNDAYandWeTakeTheDayOff.

===================================================

Saturday 29-September-2012:

! High Jump Bungee Jumps !

PERMANENT DISCOUNT OFFER :

Bankers, Politicians, Estate Agents, General Spivs & Parking Wardens

! JUMP FREE !

(No strings attached)

——————————————————————————————

Friday 28-September-2012:

Legal Toolbox:
Please update your case law records:
The bench-mark definition of Joy Riding has been re-established as
driving a hearse at a Bankers funeral.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 27-September-2012:

ASDA

Supermarket shopping for the dyslexic with ADS.

I SED : Evrye litel hepls role baks – ets

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 26-September-2012:

When sunbathing this summer, my girlfriend asked me to put oil on her back.
Me:
Let’s pretend I’m your butler and my name is Dawes
She:
Put some oil on me back Dawes

Whoopee !

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 25-September-2012:

Me new tart is, it must be said, to put things delicately in this area of our new growing relationship, rather, ahem, dexterous of touch, (so to speak if you understand etc).
I asked her how she came to be so, ahem, adept ?
She:
Me Dad had no arms . . . ……

😐

——————————————————————————————

Monday 24-September-2012:

Monday, the traditional Great British Wash Day.
Well don’t think the wife will be hanging-out today
Someone nicked six pair of her knickers off the line last week
She’s not too bothered about them going but @ 12/pair she’s short of pegs now !

===================================================

SUNDAY 23-September-2012.

SundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySunday
ClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShut
ClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShut
SundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySunday
ClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShut
ClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShut
SundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySunday
ClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShut
ClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShutClosedNotOpenShut

===================================================

AM Saturday 22-September-2012:

Went out to me van this morning and found some bastard had written
‘RETARD’
all over the windows !
😐

Took me bloody ages to lick it all off.
🙁

——————————————————————————————

PM Friday 21-September-2012:

KATE MIDDLETON

IS
an anagram
FOR

NAKED TIT MODEL

Credits :
Sandi Toksvig.
The News Quiz,
BBC Steam Wireless : The Home Service for Grown-Ups : 18.30hrs BST today.

New ODA Campaign:
Sandi for Queen. (NOW)

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 20-September-2012:

WORK : The Worse 4 Letter Word:

09.30hrs and the postal deliveries arrive.
I ask me boss where did he want me to do with the two 5 metre rolls of bubble-wrap that had been delivered.

‘Pop them in the back of the workshop’ he said.

Took me the rest of the day to get them all done. 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 19-September-2012:

THIS TEXT HAS BEEN WITHDRAWN.
REASON:
CONTAINS TOO MUCH TRUTH.

Luv&X’s
HM Thingy

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 18-September-2012:

Late Summer Holiday Post Cards Home:

Rumours of my death have been exaggerated,
but judging by the depth of water in the gutters here,
If I fall off this fucking kerb they fucking wont be. 😐

Luv&X’s
Ken A’fka
Somewhere-in-Venice.

(cc: GCHQ + Usual Suspects !)

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 17-September-2012:

Opened the door about 9 o’clock last night to the divorcee from next door.
I’m getting so frustrated these days she said, I need to get drunk and get a good shagging !
Me:
Can I help ?
She:
Thank you Thank you Thank you !
Here’s the key and the baby wake-alarm,
the kids are fast asleep now and I don’t think they’ll surface ’til morning.
Terrar – See you in about 5 hours.
Any probs – Text me – The moby’s off for voice.
🙁

===================================================

SUNDAY 16-September-2012.

cLOSEDbECAUSEiT’S
nOTmONDAYnOTtUESDAYnOTwEDNESDAYnOTtHURSDAYnOTfRIDAYnOTsATURDAY

🙂

===================================================

PM Saturday 15-September-2012:

Extracts from The UK Diplomatic Bag:

Dear Minister,

Don’t you think our new ‘International Peace Ambassador’, Kate Middleton,
is taking UK conflict resolution policy a little bit too far when buttering-up the Paddys ?

The Under Secretary.
Foreign Desk.
Whitehall.

! Britain’s Got Talent !

Your chance to have your say:

Pipa’s arse ?
Harry’s willy ?
Kate’s tits ?

! Text your vote to Whitehall 1212 NOW !

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

AM Saturday 15-September-2012:

Jewish lad born with no eyelids.    🙁
Vet sez they could rectify things if they get the skin from his brit milah to use.    😐
They did, and it worked, up to a point.    😐
Now he’s cock-eyed. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 14-September-2012:

Two interesting facts about me:
1: Me willy is the length of 3 Argos pens.
2: I’m banned out of Argos.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 13-September-2012:

I was really thoroughly pissed-off to find me wifes picture and the profile she posted on a tinterweb dating site.
The warped, distorting, lying bitch.
‘Fun to be around’
SHE JUST IS NOT
🙁

——————————————————————————————

PM Wednesday 12-September-2012:

Before The London Gazette gets it out,
we give you:

Royal News From Leicester:

a parking space,

A Parking Space

A FUCKIN’ PARKING FUCKING SPACE !

MY KINGDOM FOR A RUDDY PARKING SPACE . . . ……
! SPLAT !

Fuck-it lads, we’re not carrying that cunt back in the back seat of mine –
I’ve just had a full valet.
Dig here.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

AM Wednesday 12-September-2012:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I think I’ve got Alzheimer’s

Cheese on Toast, one sugar please Matron.

😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 11-September-2012:

Me Scouse mate told me he has just been on the Internet
and ordered a trampoline for the kids,
and it is a BIG-UN lah !
In fact, he said, it’s as big as The ‘Pool lah !
Me:
And just what site did you get that from – ?
Him:
? – Google Maps lah.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 10-September-2012:

In the beginning was the word:
It was perfect.
Then MS fucked everything up.
Can’t remember anything after that

😐

===================================================

SUNDAY 09-September-2012.

ItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShut
ItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShut
ItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShut
ItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShut
ItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShut
ItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShutItIsSunday&WeAreShut

===================================================

AM Saturday 08-September-2012:

The Not The McOlympy Disabled Games 2012 coming to an end:
ODA Salutations for The Real Show endings:

We see Argentina has entered a rather large contingent
Wonder who is to blame for that ?
😐

——————————————————————————————

Friday 07-September-2012:

The Not The McOlympy Disabled Games 2012 coming to an end:
ODA Salutations for The Real Show endings:

Lost me temp job as Sous Chef at The Not The Olympy Village.
🙁
Apparently when the Head Chef asked me to turn the veg on;
touching-up the Dutch girl in the wheelchair wasn’t what he had in mind.
😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 06-September-2012:

What happens in The Bermuda Triangle stays on the moon.

😐

You’re into le Surreal again – Is it because we’re in noir & white ? !
Ed.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 05-September-2012:

*It’s The UK Political Party Conference Season,
so for want of a better excuse:

What happens in Blackpool,
usually spews out and pollutes the rest of UK.
(at least)

(*Don’t feel left out – Available to all 24 / 365/6)
🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 04-September-2012:

Captain Kirk fucked his records up last week by playing them at warp speed, tomorrow.

😐

Should have saved that one for the month end surreal spot.
Above a Draft 2.
Could play about with it (last week !) forever ! ! !
Ed.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 03-September-2012:

Rakes Progress:
There are so many drugs in my system that China has invited me to join their swimming team in 2016.

===================================================

SUNDAY 02-September-2012.

NOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPEN
NOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPEN
NOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPEN
NOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPEN
NOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPEN
NOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPENNOTOPEN

===================================================

Saturday 01-SEPTEMBER-2012:

Police stopped Abdul The Taxi Driver and found he had
Full Road Tax + MOT + Insurance, all his lamp bulbs worked and even his wash bottle was full.
So, they did him for wasting Police time. 😐

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Friday 31-August-2012:

The End of The Month Surreal One:
There’s no time like the present for postponing what you are supposed to be doing now.

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 30-August-2012:

Have you noticed how many famous people have the same middle name ?

Robbie Fuckin Williams

Russel Fuckin Brand

Wayne Fuckin Rooney

AND SO ON.

Have we done this one before ?
Fuck it, we’ll leave it, it’s a good one !
Ed.

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 29-August-2012:

How many sexist pigs does it take to change a light bulb ?

NONE !

Let the lazy cow wash-up in the dark if she’s too idle to change it.

Have we done this one before ?
Fuck it, we’ll leave it, it’s a good one !
Ed.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 28-August-2012:

Irish Exorcism:
They had to call the devil in to get the priest out of the boy !

Have we done this one before ?
Fuck it, we’ll leave it, it’s a good one !
Ed.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 27-August-2012:

Paddy is plowing field with steam-roller
Mick:
Woy der feck ar yer doin that Paddy ?
Paddy:
Oim troyin ter grow mashed potatoes. 😐

===================================================

SUNDAY 26-August-2012.

SHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAY
SHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAY
SHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAY
SHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAY
SHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAY
SHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAYSHUTSUNDAY

Who the fucking fucking fuck fuck der yer fuckin’ think we fuckin’ are,

bloomin’ Tesco’s ?

(Other grabbers are available – everywhere.)

===================================================

AM Saturday 25-August-2012:

Radio Times misprint:
BB2 : 21.00hrs tonight
‘The Toughest Place for Minars’
South Afrika or Michael Jacksons bedroom ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 24-August-2012:

My mate’s sex-change operation yesterday to convert to female was totally successful.
So much so he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park . . . ………………
😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 23-August-2012:

I was just trying to put a few dates into my new Mayan Diary for next year.
Keep coming up short – Don’t seem to be getting anywhere . . . …………. ?
Still, the daily motto is a good one.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 22-August-2012:

To:
Her Most Britannic Majesty’s Diplomatic Mission en Chancery to Brasilia .
Memorandum.
Notice of Cancellation:

Your Excellency,
If your Excellency would be so gracious as to refer to his appointments diary ref the forthcoming Friday inst;
We were to have a light drinks soiree in our grande salon, however due to your firms totally shitty behaviour concerning an Assange J. at The Ecuadorians gaff UK, your rubbing The Argi’s face in it whenever you get chance, the outrageous treatment of prisoners by your McString-Puller in their favourite Cuban resort, not forgetting, (because the Pana’s don’t as well), how little you paid for the cut in the middle of things the first place, (we here like to look on it as a moat; pity about the width – if it were wide enough we’d all get this side and pull the drawbridge up), and to be brief for this, the annexation of Northern Mexico by the above cowboy’s whose asses you so assiduously kiss,
don’t bother turning-up at ours.
The piss-up’s still on but me and the rest of the lads have barred you.
Should you judge this casus belli, then you can forget your cheap corned beef.

Yours faithfully,
Chargé d’Affaires de Corps Diplomatique Brazil.

PS.
Don’t bother training for the next Olympics.
You’re not coming to that as well.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 21-August-2012:

PRE:
Found this gem of in a note book of O&S I’ve accumulated down the years.
‘Tis of such delicacy and piquancy I think I might well repeat it as
The Wom Page Greeting to The Site

In the instructive parlance of modern day serving staff at table:
! ENJOY !

‘Found out wot that Jap expression for acute social withdrawal is
You know the one when you lock yourself in your pad and refuse to come out and speak to anyone directly:

It’s caused ‘Hikikimori’ (sic)

I think I’ve got it, but only a mild case and would therefore like to improve on the situation:

SO IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, YOU CAN ALL FUCK-OFF THE FUCKING LOT OF YOU AND GET YOUR FUCKING ATTENTION, YOU SAD DEFECTIVE MONGS, FROM THE OTHER ASSORTED GOBSHITES VARIOUS, THAT CRAWL THROUGH THIS CLUTTERED LIFE OF CONSTANT INTERRUPTION AND TWADDLE, LOOKING FOR ‘DESERVING CASES’ TO GOB-OFF TO AND THEREFORE REINFORCE THEIR OWN FRAGILE EGOS BY CONVINCING THEMSELVES THEY’RE BEING USEFUL ‘PEOPLE PERSON’ TYPE MEMBERS OF THIS SO CALLED SOCIETY
(aka ETERNAL CRAPHEAP OF POINTLESS NO-HOPE)
I DON’T LIKE OR NEED YOU, YOU SAD CUNTS !
TRY GETTING A LIFE OF YOUR OWN AND KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF INSTEAD OF CREATING DESPAIR BY CLINGING,
LIKE THE SMELL OF FRESHLY LAID DOG SHIT HEAVILY TREADEN INTO A WET LEATHER SOLE,
TO THOSE OF US WHO HAVE OUR ACT TOGETHER AND DON’T WANT TO MITHER ANY FUCKER,
YOU INADEQUATE TWATS.
FACE IT, FACE STARK, BLATANT REALITY,
IT IS REALLY MOST UNLIKELY YOU’LL NEVER BE THERE IN A REAL EMERGENCY ANYWAY,
AND IF, BY THE REMOTEST CHANCE YOU WERE,
YOU’D BE FUCKING USELESS ANYWAY.’

Here Endeth The First Lesson
Book of ODA ChI VI
Canterbury
2012
Canticles by Chaucer

For those of you who are waiting for the weekly bus home:
Tea by the ladies of The Parish will be served in the Cricket Pav, or Vestry should it rain.

I’m sure I’ve more in the same vein:
< TBC >
Old :

——————————————————————————————

Monday 20-August-2012:

In light of current success of the previous and current US Russians missions to Mars
India has sent a manned mission to Mars.
The astronauts, Mr & Mrs Patel, have announced this mission is to be the first of many proposed and there is not to be a crater without a corner shop by 2030.
They further said that as soon Mr Ahmed’s cousin, Mohamed, gets his place in the next mission they’ll be able to open on Fridays also.
Despite transmissions of solicitation and petition received, via Curiosity’s public phone box, from a little green man with a bottle in a paper bag, they said they won’t be stocking alcohol but are looking forward to opening a string of Sisha Cafés.
NOTICE:
They take opportunity to remind
The Natives, Curiosity, an old Russian who got stuck there when his rocket motor failed, and all those following on,
to get their lottery tickets sorted on draw days for < 19.10hrs to allow for transmission times to Camelot.
Fridays Euro + Thunderball etc bets are to be entered by close of business (11 PM) Thursdays.
Further:
If all goes well and Cousin Ali manages to get out of the UK detention centre soon, then the first of:
Ahmed’s Taj Mahal Orange Onion Purple Pumpkin Moons of Saturn & Princess of Hearts
Bangla Bhalti Tiffin Pizza Kebab Shishkabab Himalayan Award Winning Oriental Palace Cuisine Open Kitchen Air Conditioned Restaurants & TakeAways
will be opened.
(Free Papadoms with orders >£25
Delivery free on orders >£15 to as far as Jupiter)

===================================================

SUNDAY 19-August-2012.

An Open Letter:

Shut Shut Sunday. Sunday SHUT.

===================================================

AM Saturday 18-August-2012:

Mr Julian Assange’s enforced confinement of present has had a good side for him.
It is not widely known that he is a great Bob Dylan fan and as just you would think for circumstance, he is taking the opportunity to catch up on the other great man’s works.
The strains of:
Outlaw Blues,
Freedoms Just Another Word,
Stairway to Heaven,
&
and what he emphatically asserts is:
Knock Knock Knocking on Ecuador,
can oft be heard ‘Blowin’ In The Wind’ from The Embassy windows.
🙂

Jule’s a bit of devil and wit really,
you should have seen the plods who are ‘keeping a friendly eye’ on the place, get the jitters up and a bit upset when he played:
As I Went Out One Morning
Big Yellow Taxi
On The Road Again
Highway 51
Highway 61 Revisited
🙂

Watching the scene I also noted:
Funnily enough, ‘Lay Lady Lay’ didn’t seem to please any of them – ?!
‘You’re No Good’ went down like a lead parachute with them as well – ?!
‘Only A Pawn In Their Game’ has received no applause also – ?!
🙂

The esteamed Constabulary tried the old kidology hard stares at his window all through one afternoon.
‘Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right’ came straight back at them.
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

When ‘A Notice In The Window’ went up with:
‘I Don’t Believe You’, ‘Masters Of War’
they fair took umbrage – ?!
🙂

When ‘I Shall Be Free’
then
‘With God on Our Side’ was played they started packing-up for the day – ?!
😐

When ‘Talking World War III Blues’ came on,
they fair legged-it,
‘Down The Highway’,
the fat one tripping and falling down the bit of a hill there
‘Like A Rolling Stone’
They then shot-off at ‘Ninety Miles An Hour (Down A Dead End Street)’
😐

At ‘The Changing of The Guard’
only one of them turned up,
it must have been just ‘One Too Many Mornings’ for the rest.
😐
Looked a bit like ‘Desolation Row’ out there ‘All Along The Watchtower’
Julian was said have remarked at the time.
🙂

Oh well, I heard him say, looks like we’re not having
‘Blues For Breakfast’,
I’ll settle for an
‘Orange Juice’

STOBBIT !
THAT IS ENOUGH FOR NOW YOU LOT !
You’ll be at it forever !
Stop now or you’re on Jankers.
Tickle-it up when you’ve nowt better to do.
Old :

Then Jules did looked out of his digs and saw
‘The Times They Are A-Changin’
and

stobbit Stobbit STOBBIT yer bastards !
THE Ed.

! <TBC> !

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 17-August-2012:

Pervy Times:
Playing at home yesterday and I was frantically trying to wipe me last little sparodic-emmission off me sisters duvet when me Mum walked in ! 🙁
! YOU ARE DISGUSTING ! she bawled at me !
Well she’s the one who spat it out, I muttered in defence. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 16-August-2012:

It was difficult getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey,
but, I put my whole self into it, pulled my whole self out of it,
turned myself around,
and, they do say, that’s what it’s all about.

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 15-August-2012:

Rang Babe-Station for the first time last night (honest !)
And, just what can I do to you Hun, came the silky response, ?
Me:
Just switch-off the bloody transmission to me QUICK will you,
the wife’ll be down in a minute and I’ve lost the fuckin’ remote !

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 14-August-2012:

Pete, Our Local Flasher, was thinking of retiring,
but he’s going to stick it out for another year or so.

——————————————————————————————

Monday 13-August-2012:

! Hurray ! BIG CIRCUS 2012 DONE ! No need to show our ring-piece again !

Back to taste & grace:

Let’s have three of our usual genre and high standard to celebrate !

1: Speech Therapy:
Try saying coca-cola in proper full-on Geordy

2: Bloke goes into library and asks for a book on under-age dwarf sex.
Librarian:
How can you stoop that low ?
Bloke:
Yes, that’s the one.

3: My mates just been diagnosed as mute and deaf.
I thought fuck-me, he kept that quiet.

===================================================

SUNDAY 12-August-2012.

Sunday. Should be shut. We’re on double time so we’ll treat yer ADS:

:-)DA View on
N 🙂 T ( :-)BVIOUSLY) The :-)lympy Thingy : DAY XVI : Latest News:

It’s nearly over – See The Daily Asspect

! Vorgessen Sie Nicht !

H&S on The Glorious 12th:

If you’re a pheasant on the moors stay at home and keep your head down cock,
or, if yer a peasant in London just trying to get home,
watch yer back cock.

😐

===================================================

PM Saturday 11-August-2012:

* :-|DA View on n 😐 t ( :-|bviously) The :-|lympy Thingy : DAY XV : Latest News:

Random Observations:

Pronounced ESTIMATED cost** of Ye N 😐 t Ye :-|limpy soiree to UK Taxpayer : ~£9KKK.

**Current : Subject to fluctuation (most prob upwards only). Your statutory rights are not affected. (HMG’s aren’t either : You’ll just be crapped on as/ when and how HMG feels like, now do as your programmed little prole and enjoy the circus)

David, who does Prime Minister impressions, says REPEATEDLY that he hasn’t got any more pocket money for poor people and The NHS and other such national embarrassments, and we all have to tighten our belts – etc.

The Boy Wonder Boris has let slip his little whoopsy on the high-wire of recent was just another put-up stunt.

More squaddies are being given their cards and being brought back home early.

See The ODA Daily Asspect Page for The UK Weather Forecast current.

There has been moves recent, (and we must note that as a ‘yet again’), to ‘outsource’ the tiresome adding-up works (hard sums and such), of the Civil Service people who service The UK Public Accounts Committee (in the interests of ‘efficiency’ no doubt), to external (Mc)Auditors***

*** And if they could no doubt, they’d do same with the deliberations of said committee also.

Embarrassing murmurs about PFI Hospital Contracts have not been mentioned by any this week – ? ? ? ? ? ?

Connect up at random people, connect up at will. 😐
* 😐 ur D 😐 gs Arse 😐 FFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

PM Friday 10-August-2012:

* :-(DA View on n 🙁 t ( :-(bviously) The :-(lympy Thingy : DAY XIV : Latest News:

Random Observations:

UK Stock Market up again. 🙂

Visiting Countries Governmental Delegations
for/at
The N 🙁 t Y 🙁 u Kn 🙁 w W 🙁 t Thingy
have been lent all those old tiresome HM Government Offices which clutter-up those down-at-heel embarrassing places like Whitehall and other such low dives similar scattered in and around Londington, to do . . . …… errrrr . . . ……. treat them like their own Embassies and throw open house to show all the other buggers how wonderful they particularly are and, of course, throw piss-ups ad nauseam.

Oh well, we don’t make use of them so why not ? ? ? ? ? ?
It’s not as if someone will want to make a hotel out of them after all is it ?
(Twiddle that one round in your Good Thing / Bad Thing Tombola Basket !)

Connect up at random people, connect up at will. 😐
* 🙁 ur D 🙁 gs Arse :-(FFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

PM Thursday 09-August-2012:

*DDA View on nDt (Dbviously) The Dlympy Thingy : DAY XIII : Latest News:

Random Observations:

UK Stock Market up. 🙂

Sales of everything usual in Central London but, obviously, Not The Olympy Thingy thingys during The Not The Olympy Thingy fortnight . . . ………… down
v/v
Same period average in previous years recent. 🙁

Not The Olympy Thingy Event Seats : many remain empty. 🙁

Bloke, obviously well heeled, on the wireless this morning, complaining that his £295 (each) tickets didn’t give him full view of the event. 😐

Connect up at random people. 😐
* DurDDgsArse DFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

PM Wednesday 08-August-2012:

*BDA View on nBt (Bbviously) The Blympy Thingy : DAY XII : Latest News:

Whimsy & Answer Time:

Wonder if McCola will be publishing their sales at The Big Circus
+
Worldwide during The Big Circus
ALL: v/v average for the time of year ?
AND
If they do, who will audit them ?

A: Before you say it:
A McAuditor
(of course)

* BurDBgsArse BFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 07-August-2012:

*GDA View on nGt (Gbviously) The Glympy Thingy : DAY XI :Latest News:

Team GB winning lots of Au
+
A fair bit of Ag
+
O&S of that funny alloy which had and age to itself
So, let’s have a whimsy:
1: That’s the National Debt sorted.
2: That’s proper Ag service plate back in the churches.
3: That, with a bit of Ph + a few O&S other
is reet good for battleship shaft bearings, amongst other things.
Fuck-it, come in 3rd the rest of you lot lets get tooled-up proper again. 🙂

* GurDGgsArse GFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

PM Monday 06-August-2012:

*9DA View on n9t (9bviously) The 9lympy Thingy : DAY X : Latest News:

Au gong for Team GB on gee-gees

Try saying that without yer best teeth in. 🙂

* 9urD9gsArse 9FFICIAL RING-PIECE

===================================================

SUNDAY 05-August-2012.

Sunday. Shut.

The Not The Olympy Thingy : DAY IX :

===================================================

Saturday 04-August-2012:

*6DA View on n6t (6bviously) The 6lympy Thingy : DAY IIX : Latest News:

1/2 way through and Team GB are getting Au gongs

Wot will they think of next ?

* 6urD6gsArse 6FFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 03-August-2012:

*qDA View on nqt (qbviously) The qlympy Thingy : DAY VII : Latest News:

Still bums & seats continue to fail to enjoin.

With mind to all the many of the first with which we are acquainted . . . ……

* qurDqgsArse qFFICIAL RING-PIECE (It’s a bum day)

—————————————————————————————–

AM Thursday 02-August-2012:

*nDA View on nnt (obviously) The nlympy Thingy : DAY VI : Latest News:

NONE TODAY : DAY-OFF !

So, just wot shall we delight with you with ?
I know, the brain-cell says, let’s have
Q&A Time !
So:
Q: How many sexist male pigs does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. Let the bitch wash-up in the dark if she’s too idle to change it herself.

* nurDngsArse nFFICIAL RING-PIECE (It’s a none thingy day)

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 01-AUGUST-2012:

*NDA View on nNt (obviously) The Nlympy Thingy : DAY V : Latest News:

5 days into wot is only a fortnight do, (ie ~35% through), and UK gets its 1st Au medal.

(Hoorah thingies everybody – Rah, Rah, Rah etc !!!)

Now, ye observations:

1: UK has the one of the most densely populated areas in the world and @ 63KK / > bods is, obviously, not without bods various.
2: UK is termed a ‘1st world country’ and can therefore afford any necessary kit & facilities for any sport.
3: The perennial whine & whinge of ye puppet masters on high is of a dissolution and fragmentation of ‘society’.
(aka Their puppets won’t dance to order)
4: ~10% of present UK population are imports.
5: Nobody asked the original inhabitants if they’d like the company.
6: We cannot poss think that there can poss be any connection between the above points.

NB. This is not a UKIP or BNP official publication, but if any want it, well in true games spirit . . . ………… we are here to serve. Chai anybody ?!?

* NurDNgsArse NFFICIAL RING-PIECE (It’s a Nion worshipping day)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Tuesday 31-July-2012:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

Isn’t the below enough ?!?!?!

*UDA View on nUt (obviously) The Ulympy Thingy : DAY IV : Latest News:

1: The bum’s not on seats saga continues

2: The House has risen

Resonance ?

* UurDUgsArse UFFICIAL RING-PIECE (It’s an Upen ended day) (Uh, you know)

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 30-July-2012:

*EDA View on nEt (obviously) The Elympy Thingy : DAY III : Latest News:

Bums on Séance

Anybody there, is there anybody there ? Applaud once for yes twice for no.

(Can you sit on a seat and cheer ? When can you turn-up ? We’ll start then. Luv Coe S.)

* EurDEgsArse EFFICIAL RING-PIECE (It’s an Epen ended diarrhea day)

===================================================

SUNDAY 29-July-2012.

Shut. Sunday.

The Not The Olympy Thingy : DAY II

===================================================

PM Saturday 28-July-2012:

*8DA View on n8t (obviously) The 8lympy Thingy : DAY I : Latest News:

Good Morning Moneypenny, said James

Q is jealous of Q James, said Moneypenny . . . …….

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, said James

Let’s top Danny Boyle, that should sort it, said Moneypenny

I’ll pack me trusty bang-stick thingy, said James

Language ! said Moneypenny.

* 8urD8gsArse 8FFICIAL RING-PIECE

(* It’s an 8DA B8G8F day)

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 27-July-2012:

*ZDA View on NZt (obviously) The Zlympy Thingy : DAY 0 (in Greek) : Latest News:

So, we’re off ! Boris has declared the start of a 12 hour opening ceremony open with great clashing of ~~cymbals~~ bells all of which will culminate tonight, when Haupt Fuhrer ~~Blair~~ Cameron will attend der ~~Nuremburg~~ East End Zlyimpic Park Grand Show:

Und den, all will kick-off proper. Which way is Poland from here ?

* ZurDZgsArse ZFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 26-July-2012:

*<iDA View on N<it (obviously) The <ilympy Thingy : DAY -I : Latest News:

After the advice of she who is never wrong: Let’s take a break from the current f<icus of all our whatevers:

Marriage Advice:
Foreplay is a special time and should be as protracted and relaxed time as is needed
when the couple make intimate contact and express their deep love for each other
with the wife relaxing into her erotic state for the most pleasurable of experiences,
and the husband deciding who he is going to think of when he pokes her. 🙂

* <iurD<igsArse <iFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 25-July-2012:

*CDA View on NCt (obviously) The Clympy Thingy : DAY -II : Latest News:

a Boris, who shall be nameless & no relation (obviously), once said in a far-off land where the proles accept everything that is dribbled down from the high table above them, that his Grand Circus in 2012 would cost £2.5KKK.

a Recent Costing Body, who shall be nameless & no relation, but is occasionally known as the knick-name of The Public Accounts Committee, is estimating the cost at £25KKK.

OH FUCK ! & Deary, deary me. 😐

<TBC>

* CurDCgsArse CFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 24-July-2012:

*0DA View on N0t (obviously) The 0lympy Thingy : DAY -III : Latest News:

(To Imitate The Great) TOP TIPS for A GOVERNMENT:

Governments, when you’re fucking-over people, (‘cos that’s wot you do), who you’ve been depending on at most times past for operations you need to repeat in the future, and you’ve placed in a position such that they have their fingers on the pressure points, and as such their goodwill is critical to all your future operations as indeed it was in that past, why not look to the future and see if you need them again ?

Dedicated to ALL Governments.
A Thingy Workers Union Publication
on behalf of all the thingy workers:
The Raft You Float & Piss On.

* 0urD0gsArse 0FFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 23-July-2012:

*/\DA View on Not (obviously) The /\lympy Thingy : DAY -IV : Latest News:

It is ann/\unced (multiple pr/\n/\uncements) t/\day by Ye Media:
‘THE T/\RCH’ is t/\ passeth thr/\ugh Cro/\yden t/\day.
! /\h Valhalla, eat thy heart /\ut !

* /\urD/\gsArse /\FFICIAL RING-PIECE

===================================================

SUNDAY 22-July-2012.

Shut Sundays.

See y’all termorrer.

ref The Not The Olympy Thingy : DAY -V

===================================================

AM Saturday 21-July-2012:

*{}DA View {}n N{}t ({}bvi{}usly) The {}lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -VI :

With all the w{}rry ab{}ut finance in general and, at the m{}ment, just wh{} funds w{}t for The N{}T {}lypmy Thingy, the way {}ut {}f the pr{}b is there for us all:

! Richard Brans{}n for Chancell{}r !
At least we’d kn{}w the h{}t air was genuine. 🙂

* {}urD{}gsArse {}FFICIAL RING-PIECE

That’s yer l{}t ’till next M/\nday.
{}ld :

——————————————————————————————

PM Friday 20-July-2012:

*QDA View on Not (obviously) The Qlympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -VII :

Was down in London last weekend and managed to shag that Cheryl Cole tart.
What a disappointment ! 🙁 🙁 🙁
I’ve only two things to say about it, her tits aren’t that great (probably false),
and the staff at Madame Tussaudes are miserable bastards.

* QurDQgsArse QFFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 19-July-2012:

*<>DA View on Not (obviously) The <>lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -IIX :

Q without an A (from the apparatchiks) Time:

If the hotels of London are now filling to max capacity

If they are filling mainly with foreign visitors

If the hotels are for a large part, owned, staffed, and managed by foreigners

Q: Why didn’t they all stay at wom and look after each other there ?

* <>urD<>gsArse <>FFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 18-July-2012:

*()DA View on Not (obviously) The ()lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -IX :

Dispensation from The Gods:
With the current weather being as it has been,
The Committee have sanctioned the usage of the word ‘Mac’
as long as the wearer is drinking Coca-Cola.

* ()urD()gsArse ()FFICIAL RING-PIECE

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 17-July-2012:

*[]DA View on The []lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -X :

It is now been clarified by the esteamed []lympy Thingy Committee (affiliated**),
that they have proscribed the use of the words ‘Gold, Silver and Bronze’, only.
The local Brasses have breathed a sigh of relief and gone back to eating their chips.

* []urD[]gsArse []FFICIAL RING-PIECE
**To every spiv on the planet, and prob beyond.

The Editorial Board Writes:
Fuck-it. Let’s enter into the sporting spirit and have an []lympy Week at least,
if not a full fortnight or more.
Old :

You, you old fart, and the bloody Mac[]lympy Thingys are boring enough.
That’s three weeks, five if you take the n[]t-spas* do in as well + fuck knows w[]t for the winter sh[]w !
If you are going to do it, do throw in a few about interesting things occasionally to break the crap up.
Mrs Ed. (UbberHaupt Ed. : ‘E does w[]t I tell ‘im)

*UnterGroppebUberFiddelStrasseFuhrenGemeinSchaft GmbH richtig terminology
(well at least The Not-Benny’s put up with it)
as approved by ‘The Committee’ with the unknown sitting, held in the back room we can’t identify, in a place we don’t know, at a time unannounced and and still unknown,
and we still don’t know with who other in attendance,
and with no minutes published. (Q: Any taken ?)

Fuck me !
This just might have some resonance somewhere else !
I wonder if they’ll twig-it ?
Odd G.

A Dr2 by YOUR caring, sharing Editorial Team.
X : Mwah !

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 16-July-2012:

Q&A Time:
Q: Wot have Las Vegas and Manchester got in common ?
A: You can pay for sex with chips in both of them.

===================================================

SUNDAY 15-July-2012.

THERE IS A UK
ORGANISATION
‘CLASSICS FOR ALL’

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, DA, DA, DA DA DA DADA etc.
WE’RE SHUTTED AS USUAL,
AND WE KNOW IT SHOULD BE MONDAY, MONDAY etc

but when where Mondays so good ?

Let’s have SUNDAY as MINDAY then
G. Odd.

Quiet in the 1/9d’s
Old :

===================================================

PM Saturday 14-July-2012:

! BONKERS / DOO-LALLYERS / HEAD BANGERS / HEAD THE BALLS / LOONIES / LOOPIES / MONGS / NUTTERS / OFF-ITS / TWITCHERS / WOBBLERS WEEK !

The good thing about Alzheimers is:
You can forget about it before the morning

Now, what did I come in here for ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 13-July-2012:

! BONKERS / DOO-LALLYERS / HEAD BANGERS / HEAD THE BALLS / LOONIES / LOOPIES / MONGS / NUTTERS / OFF-ITS / TWITCHERS / WOBBLERS WEEK !

My doctor says I’m better now.
Farcebook say The Voices have unfriended me.

The good thing about Alzheimers is,
You get to meet a new set of friends every day

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 12-July-2012:

! BONKERS / DOO-LALLYERS / HEAD BANGERS / HEAD THE BALLS / LOONIES / LOOPIES / MONGS / NUTTERS / OFF-ITS / TWITCHERS / WOBBLERS WEEK !

I’m not schizophrenic,
but my doppelgänger is.

The good thing about Alzheimers is,
You get to meet a new set of friends every day

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 11-July-2012:

! BONKERS / DOO-LALLYERS / HEAD BANGERS / HEAD THE BALLS / LOONIES / LOOPIES / MONGS / NUTTERS / OFF-ITS / TWITCHERS / WOBBLERS WEEK !

I thought I was schizophrenic,
now I’m in two minds about it,
but on the other hand . . . …..

The good thing about Alzheimers is,
You get to meet a new set of friends every day

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 10-July-2012:

! BONKERS / DOO-LALLYERS / HEAD BANGERS / HEAD THE BALLS / LOONIES / LOOPIES / MONGS / NUTTERS / OFF-ITS / TWITCHERS /WOBBLERS WEEK !

The good thing about Alzheimers is:
You get to meet a new set of friends every day
The good thing about Alzheimers is,
You get to meet a new set of friends every day

The good thing about Alzheimers is,
You get to meet a new set of friends every day

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 09-July-2012:

! BONKERS / DOO-LALLYERS / LOOPIES / HEAD BANGERS / HEAD THE BALLS / LOONIES / MONGS / NUTTERS / OFF-ITS / TWITCHERS / WOBBLERS WEEK !

No 1: Dyslexics of The World:

Lern t2 smell

Unite !

Rule KO !

Etseterer : Bitt old thees ewen bi owr stunderds.
Shoorely ewery buger un the planat’s herd then ?
Old :

NOTICE:

Wot I did on my holiday. ie Yesterday:

See The Daily Asspect Page.

===================================================

SUNDAY 08-July-2012.

SHUTTED AGAIN : IT’S SUNDAY AGAIN.

SUNDAY SCHOOL: Today, in order to educate the greater world beyond the cradle of civilisation Manconia, we are here below writing in the tongue of the angles (all the reet ones anyway) and giving a translation to standard English (italics in brackets) after. So, to ‘What we intend to do today’:

Thofter (I/we are going to) Bucky (Buxton) fert th’ear (for to hear) this years Fest (the annual Buxton Festival) Sung Mass (as/). Nowt’er (none of) that left footer (the Roman Catholic) bells&smells (RC liturgical dressings), but it’s a reet good pro turn + singalong show (it is a professional orchestra and chorus with the congregation enjoining the singing in parts of the service) fert being recorded ba (to be recorded by) the BBC (as/) Home Service (aka Radio 4) fert Sunday God Slot (for the Sunday Service broadcast programme) ter be aired in a week er two (to be broadcast shortly, most probably within the next fortnight).

Get thi sen darn there, it’s reet gradely (we do so recommend you attend yourself as it is known to be a very good occasion), best free classical pro turn show in town if yer about (with mind to the possibility that you might be light of funds it is the best free exposition of the classical musical art in town), burriv yerbv gora bob mek sure thi divis up ter collection will thi as proper an reet (but if you are in a sound fiscal situation a contribution to the collection plate is still the correct thing). Ta (Thankyou).

Her endeth the First Lesson.

===================================================

AM Saturday 07-July-2012:

With mind to our Daily Asspects piece of the day:

‘No army can stop an idea whose time has come’
Victor Hugo.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 06-July-2012:

ONE FOR ALL AGES AND CLASSES of THE PRINT GAME :
The Rapping Printer:
Em&En

😐

Ken – We’ll let you know – NEXT ! Old :

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 05-July-2012:

Remember the days when ‘Congratulations’ meant what it says but,
was only used when the event was not only a successful, but was an exceptional/rare one
An engagement or marriage, a birth of child,
a really big achievement such as successful exam results,
winning a sporting, say, competition against steep odds,
exceptional good fortune such as winning a lottery, or even closely avoiding a catastrophe.
NOT FOR
HAVING JUST ENOUGH ABILITY TO TYPE A SMALL AMOUNT OF
(NOT NECESSARILY ACCURATE) INFORMATION IN PRE-ORDAINED BOXES
FOR THE TAKING OUT OF A FUCKING E-FUCKIN-MAIL
‘ACCOUNT’

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 04-July-2012:

Not sure if we’ve done this one before and we’re too idle to look back and see. Anyway, it’s a bazzer so here it is:

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
Is that your wife sir ?
Me: Yes
Plod: Appears she’s been hit by a bus
Me: I know, but she makes a lovely cup of tea and she’s wonderful with the kids. 🙂

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 03-July-2012:

Two For The Price of One Day . . . …… proper / again / as/previous / as/ . . . . . . …… booger it, here they are:

Got home last night and the missus had packed her bags and left a note on the top of telly:
‘Fred, this just isn’t working.
This problem has been going on for far too long now.
I’m leaving you.’

So, so, so – just wot to do ? ? ?
Scratched me arse.
Made a cup of tea, sat down and switched the set on.
Worked perfectly.
Absolutely no probs. 🙂

Midday Special:

Got a dodgy Diamond to move – Any ideas ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 02-July-2012:

Japanese couple having an argument:

He: Sukitaki !
She: Kowanini !
He: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !
She (pleading): Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !
He (angrily): Kina tim kouji !

And just look at you, yer daft twat,
sitting there reading this
as if you understand Japanese !

Whoops ! Forgot ‘The End of The Month Surreal One’ for yesterday.
This makes a Dr2 to the days entries and here it is:

Just remembered I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.

===================================================

SUNDAY 01-JULY-2012.

SHUTTED : IT IS SUNDAY.

But couldn’t resist the news on the wireless this morning :
BBC Home Service / aka Radio 4 (for The Others) : 09.00hrs:

Translated from posh BEEB Kafka speak:
‘A cruise liner carrying an all homosexual clientèle has been declined port landing at Casablanca by The Morrocan Government ‘
Ter ow we would say it:
‘A boat full of benders stopped docking in Casablanca – Rules of The Faculty applied – etc ‘

Oh just remember this . . . ……

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Saturday 30-June-2012:

Me mate walked into the pub with a smile as wide as the sky.
Me: Wot’s made you so happy ?
Him: The wife’s just had one of those hospital procedures that would put a smile on most mens faces 🙂
Me: Face lift, tit enlargement, liposuction, body hair removal, squint straightening, spare tyre removal, tummy-tuck or twat tightening ? ? ? ? ? ?
Him: None of them. A post-mortem.
🙂 🙂 🙂

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 29-June-2012:

Paddy is visited by Gabriel The Holy Angel. 🙂

Paddy: Well Gabby now yer ‘ere, wot der I need ter der ter get inter heaven ?

Gabriel: Abstain from alcohol, meat and carnal lust for 1 year and a day.

Paddy: Oi’ll do it.

Gabriel: I shall return in 1 year and two days. Do not forget we are all seeing at all times. 😐

A year + 2 days later . . . …

Gabriel: I’m afraid we see you have broken your vow. 🙁

Paddy: Oi knows, it’s just that when yer see yer tart with a bottle of yer favourite in her hand, leaning over a freezer full of bacon & burgers, well Gabby, it’s just too much for any feller. Oi do hope you forgive me. 😐

Gabriel: We do overall, and although we’re prepared to overlook the one beer and single bacon butty you had, we feel we cannot ignore and overlook the carnal aspect of your slip, although again, we do appreciate that your Mary does have as fine an arse as ever tempted any man. So, I’m afraid to say you won’t be allowed through the pearly gates but on the good side we have decided not to send you to ‘The Other Place’. We’re going to send you round again to see if you can mend your ways – A reincarnation job.

However, all that said Paddy, we’re really not so sure about what line Morrisons are going to take – ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 28-June-2012:

Q: Why was toothpaste invented in in Alabama ?

A: Because if it were to be invented anywhere else it would be called ‘teethpaste’

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 27-June-2012:

My 3 year old son was trying to open a yoghurt pot this morning.
After a couple of minutes without success he got stressed and
threw the pot across the room screaming ‘FUCKIN’ TWATTIN’ LID’
The wife looked up at me:
And just where’s he got that from I wonder ? ? ?
Me:
From the bloody fridge yer thick numb cunt.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 26-June-2012:

Letters to The Thunderer:
Sir.
On recent holiday to France:
Not one of the young ladies I encountered
‘Did a very dirty dance’
AND
Not one asked me
‘To put my dicky next to hers’.
In view of the historical presidents for such entente cordial,
I feel this is yet another blatant case of the bloody French
ignoring EEC directives various aimed towards enhancing cultural harmony,
whilst us Brits stick to every letter of the law handed down to them.
So I resolved to give the next one I came across one whether/ not she danced or asked.
We really should all join UKIP and teach Johnny Foreigner how to behave.

Bogie H. Col. rtd.

God Save The Queen

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 25-June-2012:

Plea’s please:

1: Please treat me gently and speak slowly; I’m over 28.

2: Please read that to me; I’m not dyslexic, just numb as a piss stone.

3: Please read that to me; I’m not hard of sight, I just can’t believe my own eyes.

===================================================

SUNDAY 24-June-2012.

It’s Sunday.

We’ve got proper traditional manky Manc weather and me tart doesn’t fancy gerrin out.

So we’re staying @ wom.

===================================================

AM Saturday 23-June-2012:

A cracker to end the week with:

Great Minds : Discuss what can be done and what might be possible

Mediocre Minds : Discuss what other people have done

Small Minds : Discuss what they have done

Eleanor Roosevelt.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 22-June-2012:

Pissed-off with the weather / anything ?

Cheer up – Life is just a series of circumstances beyond your control.

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 21-June-2012:

Just got caught-out at work.
Boss walked in on me with a blond
(Real dirty bitch)
🙂
Lost me job at the kennels.
🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 20-June-2012:

They say hard work never killed anybody but I thought why take the risk ?

Ronald Reagan.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 19-June-2012:

ref All Endeavors in General:

The usual mix of the inept, desperate and exhausted.

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

Monday 18-June-2012:

ref SALUTARY QUOTES AND NOTES FORTNIGHT : Oh sod it, let’s have a few more:

Most marriages don’t add two people together.
They subtract one from the other.

Ian Flemming.

===================================================

SUNDAY 17-June-2012.

It’s Sunday -A drive-out again with me tart- Went oop north side of Mancton through Owdham* then on ter Delph ter see the Eskimos. Fish, Chips & Peas from The Dolphin in Reddy on the way back. 🙂 🙂 🙂

* On The Great Grand Greater Manc Transport Executive (GmBH) Brand New Tramway :

Which steaming bananarama designed the line road crossing at Mumps Bridge ? (The new tramway line at this point being a conversion of an existing, old std railway, now disused, to carry those proposed trams). That previously present was a perfectly good way of taking a rail track over the roadways there (wot we in advanced design, cutting/leading -edge, state of the fart, high techy land call a ‘bridge’) It has been taken away and the rail track brought down down to roadway level thus causing the need for level crossings to get the proposed new trams across the multi-road intersection ! ! ! ! ! !

Further – The local area is still called ‘Mumps Bridge’ ! Couldn’t the esteamed planner(s) who drew up the scheme take the hint from that obscure nomenclature or did they give it to Stevie Wonder & Blunket to design ? ? ? ? ? ?

HOWEVER, IT IS SUNDAY SO SOD-EM –

Fuck-it – I’m not frying me brain cell any more over them’s that ‘aven’t got one between them. 😐

The View From The Crows Nest:

Or . . . …

Poss I: Do they want to create a pinch point / control point to facilitate easy stopping of traffic into Our Glorious Manc just like they’ve done at the Denton M60 roundabout ?

Poss II: Indoctrinate the stopped and delayed, pissed-off motorists trying to get through to/from the east of Oldham into the glorious virtues of the new tram system by having them halt and stare at said tram(s) ’till the line is clear ?

Mix&Match.

Old :

===================================================

Saturday 16-June-2012:

I’m too old to know everything.

Oscar Wilde.

——————————————————————————————

Friday 15-June-2012:

Take an employment enema – Stick your job up your arse. 🙂

Anon, but one I for one have used on occasions several past. Ed. 🙂 🙂 🙂

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 14-June-2012:

Celia Johnson – The Steaming Man’s Crumpet.

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 13-June-2012:

When you grow old:

You lose interest in sex, your friends drift away, your children stop speaking to you and your relations start dying-off.

There are many other advantages but these are the main ones.

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 12-June-2012:

To a bore:

My leg’s gone to sleep. Do you mind if I join it ?

Anon (Thought prob Winston Churchill – ?)

——————————————————————————————

Monday 11-June-2012:

SALUTARY QUOTES AND NOTES FORTNIGHT – contd – Week II:

Great sleepers and great eaters are not capable of greatness.

Louis XIV.

===================================================

SUNDAY 10-June-2012.

It’s Sunday : A drive-out again with me tart : To Buxton and tea on The Palace terrace. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

As fer you lot, best way forward after you’ve read The Sunday Soporific:

Go to Church/ Coven/ Mosque/ Schule/ Temple/ Whatever/

& / or
A drive-out with yer own lady/ gentleman/
In these days of much available and variable market choices –
Your significant tranni – etc.

BUT, BUT, BUT:
Don’t waste yer time watching the one-eyed babysitter.

From The Common Book of Sense.
Ch I. V.1.

===================================================

Saturday 09-June-2012:

It might well be a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

Friday 08-June-2012:

Why is paper always strongest where it’s perforated ?

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 07-June-2012:

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Clarkson J. (13 3/4)

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 06-June-2012:

If you’ve just wipe your arse, your nose will start to itch.

Anon.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 05-June-2012:

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bog door you are.

Einstein (~)

——————————————————————————————

Monday 04-June-2012:

With mind to Mr Vidals valued contribution to Saturday last below –

SALUTARY QUOTES AND NOTES FORTNIGHT:

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like an entrance fee.

Anon.

===================================================

SUNDAY 03-June-2012.

It’s Sunday – Out with me tart – Bugger-off and play with your lose change. 🙂 🙂 🙂

===================================================

Saturday 02-June-2012:

‘For satisfaction – It is not enough that one should succeed. One’s friends should fail as well.

Gore Vidal.

——————————————————————————————

Friday 01-JUNE-2012:

Perceptive US Politico Comment:

ref Bush v/v Obama Regimes:

‘Same shit / Different assholes’

Source: The US satirical radio prog ‘The Howard Stern Show’. Speaker -Anon- ?

ODA Comment:

Twas but it ever thus so ? Of universal application and, and, and, before you do chip in with ‘Ah – America – The best democracy money can buy’ etc, we deem that of universal application also.

Old :

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Thursday 31-May-2012:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

Bugger-all – The voices haven’t said anything yet . . . . . . ……

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 30-May-2012:

After watching ‘Pudsey’ the dog win the Brit TV prog ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, my Korean girlfriend Sun Yip has asked me for one like it for her birthday next week because she’s not keen on cake.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 29-May-2012:

Parliamentary Matters – Again:

With mind to Hansard’s excellent coverage of record, and HM’s esteamed oppositions’ meticulous scrutiny of Government ‘doings’: From the last effort at a coordinated and rounded budget: It is less than gratifying to find that if you eat a pasty in your new static caravan you can’t put the fire on or you’ll have to pay VAT. However, however, however, and fear not too much at present . . . … The Treasury is still trying to work out as to if it’s to be levied on the pasty, the caravan or both . . . . . . …… ???

So, the way forward ? – Eat your pasty quickly and tell none.

BUT, BUT, BUT + *NICHT FORGESSEN (For our Welsh readers):

To be continued -with more Westminster bollocks- ad nauseam

! *Ja, we know, it’s Platt !

——————————————————————————————

PM Monday 28-May-2012:

Parliamentary Matters – Joint Issue by Both Houses Speakers’ Offices.

Westminster, UK.

MEMO to ALL MEMBERS -Issue- PM Monday 28-May-2012:

OPEN POLL – To All Members of Both Houses:

In light of the pronounced verbal + near physical attack on Tony Blair sitting in front of Committee Enquiry this morning, do you:

1) Don’t give a flying or stationary rats turd, (boiled, fried, grilled, poached, souffléd in best Normandy butter, or raw), about that slimy cunt in any way, shape or form.

2) i) Wish you’d had the presence of mind to do him yourself;

ii) If only you’d known the slippery git was in UK and accessible, you’d definitely would have have done the shit over yourself.

3) Whatever your response to 2) above:

Would probably have made a far better job of it than that done, not stopping, (for the good of the world at large), ’till you’d totalled the spivvy prune good & proper.

4) Wish people would stop wasting precious session time sending texts asking about the damned obvious.

RETURNS:

Tick ALL boxes that apply and put your paper to your own house Speakers’ pigeon hole before prayers tomorrow.

NB. As/ heading above:

This is an open cross party free poll and there is no whip on from any – ESPECIALLY Labour.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

===================================================

SUNDAY 27-May-2012.

It’s Sunday : Gone fer a picnic in Macc Forest with me tart. 🙂 🙂 (+ A nice paddle in’t river )

===================================================

Saturday 26-May-2012:

Little lad keeps coming down stairs during a posh dinner party his parents were holding
obviously not used to the number of people in the house and fretting at the upheaval in his little world
His dad keeps reassuring him and taking back up to bed readying him a story and tucking in him
10 minutes later the kid’s back down
The local Catholic priest who was to the party tries and the little lad appears settled then with no further appearances
What did you do ? ask the parents
Taught him to wank responds The Very Rev Fr.

——————————————————————————————

Friday 25-May-2012:

‘Feckless’ : Irish No-Swearing Law.

Source: CLUE ! *

* For the poor uninitiated to the divine truth of our miserable collective existence – ie The UnIlumati : The BBC Home Service source of all the worlds enlightenment: ‘ I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue ‘

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 24-May-2012:

ODA Confidence Building Course:

If at first you don’t succeed you’re most probably average and you won’t get any better so give it up then and save yourself and any watching from any further mither.

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 23-May-2012:

The 1st Chinese albino baby was born to Mr&Mrs Wong of Shanghai
Just goes to show 2 Wongs can make a white 😐

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 22-May-2012:

Woman in court charged with stealing tin of peaches
Beak asks:
How many peaches in the tin ?
She replies:
There were four Your Honour
He tells her she must serve 4 weeks – 1 for each peach
As she is being lead away her husband shouts from the public gallery:
AND SHE TOOK 6 TINS OF PEAS AS WELL.

——————————————————————————————

Monday 21-May-2012:

Don’t forget, enemies are just friends you haven’t managed to upset properly yet.

===================================================

SUNDAY 20-May-2012.

It’s Sunday : Gone on pilgrimage for a good long chill + buffet brunch with me tart at Armanique’s (Look them up : Reet good) 🙂 🙂 🙂

===================================================

Saturday 19-May-2012:

Paddy lad about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a very dead totally flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of ‘a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted – ???
He said, ‘I want to have sex with a specific one of the women inside
I have the money, and I’m not leaving until I get it’.
Madam pondered, why not she decided, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, ‘Do any of the girls have any diseases?’
Of course the Madam said ‘No’.
Paddy jnr: ‘I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber –
I SAID THE ONE I WANT, AND THAT’S THE GIRL I WANT.’
Since he was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, Madam told him to go to the third room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam, by then very very curious, stopped him and asked,
Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others ?
Paddy jnr: Well, if you must know, it’s abut tonight when I get home:
My parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me – She’s to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, AND HE’S THE FECKIN CUNT WHO RAN OVER ME FROG !

——————————————————————————————

Friday 18-May-2012:

Abdul’s minding his own business, driving his taxi around the town looking for fares for 14 hours a day to feed his family when Ye Plods pull him over to helpfully inform him that one of his back lamps is a little dimmer than the other (! Shock-Horror ! etc). They, obviously, take the opportunity to inspect his cab licence plate, his insurances, his MOT and his Road Tax + the general state of vehicle including the spare tyre and the fullness of his screen-wash bottle . . . …… All are in good order so they book him for wasting Police time.

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 17-May-2012:

! Happy Benderphobia Day ! aka ‘International’ (aka US) Day Against Homophobia & Transgenderphobia Day ! (sic)

Love the one you’re with if you must, but keep it away from us !

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 16-May-2012:

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction Time:

Walmart, Florida: Shopper, who says he is a licenced cannabis grower, picks up stick lying amongst bags of compost he is buying for his plants. Stick turns out to be rattle snake who thought Dr Dope was getting personal so turned round and bit him. Bloke finishes up with hand puffed-up to size of football in local hospital. Krankenhaus administer anti-snake venom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . + cannabis to calm the system down. 🙂

Source: The Register + Several Others of Taste.

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 15-May-2012:

Just found out me mate Gavin has died – Overdosed on indigestion medicine.

Just can’t believe Gav Is Gone. 🙁

——————————————————————————————

Monday 14-May-2012:

Alex Salmond, The Jock Parliament head gob, (bit like Nick Clegg but with integrity), visited The Gastro Ward at Glasgow Infimary last week. He was told by staff that 80% of the beds were occupied by alki’s and booze was killing x25/ week on average in Jockland – All way ahead of the rest of UK put together.

Come-on you twats – England expects every man ter sup his duty !

===================================================

SUNDAY 13-May-2012.

It’s Sunday : Gone on pilgrimage for a ride-out with me tart to Buxton fert free well water. 🙂

===================================================

AM Saturday 12-May-2012:

Signing-off Albert’s WeeK with one of his best; a salutary consideration, albeit of self aggrandisement:

People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live. We never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.
(AEi) letter to Otto Juliusburgera

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 11-May-2012:

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.

Great ideas often receive violent opposition from mediocre minds.

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 10-May-2012:

How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on. (AEi)

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 09-May-2012:

I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious. (AEi)

——————————————————————————————

Tuesday 08-May-2012:

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. (AEi)

——————————————————————————————

Monday 07-May-2012:

A qualifier -Bugger It- We’re so far behind with content loading, we’ll plagiarise somebody else’s efforts for this week . FULL CREDITS + BIG TA –> HaHaHa.something

So . . . …… The start of the Einstein WeeK – Uncle Albert’s best:

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted.
I am only very, very curious.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics
and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for
politics are only a matter of present concern. An equation stands forever.

Nothing truly valuable arises from ambition or from a mere sense of duty; it stems rather from love and devotion toward men and toward objective things.

Your fervent wishes can only find fulfillment if you succeed in attaining love and understanding of men, and animals, and plants, and stars, so that every joy becomes your joy and every pain your pain.

Religion without science is blind.

===================================================

SUNDAY 06-May-2012.

It’s Sunday – Gone on pilgrimage for a ride-out with me tart to Bradwell fert th’ice-cream. 🙂

===================================================

Saturday 05-May-2012:

Becky turns over in bed to Hymie and whispers: ‘You never stroke my hair any more like you used to’. So Hymie strokes her hair. ‘You never rub my back any more like you used to’. So he rubs her back. ‘You never nibble my ears and neck like you used to’. ! FOR FUCKS SAKE ! – HANG-ON THEN, HE SHOUTS, I’LL GO AND PUT ME FUCKING TEETH IN THEN !

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 04-May-2012:

Knock knock

Who’s their ?

Luke See

Luke see who ?

Luke-See through the bloody keyhole you idle bugger and find out.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 03-May-2012:

Further on the subject of aerobics and fat-bastards:

Did you hear about the tart in Oldham who had to get a car for the first time in her life ?

The class was 4 miles away and there were no buses.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 02-May-2012:

The wife, (who might, just, be an ounce or two over her best), went to an aerobics class last night. After an hour of jumping up and down, wriggling, bending and twisting, pulling her stomach in with deep breaths, yes . . . …… she finally got the lycra on. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 01-MAY-2012:

Hey nonny no, and welcome to our UK May Day – Just like yesterday –

Cold, overcast, windy & pissing down.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Monday 30-April-2012:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

I thought of trying yoga for an out of body experience.

The schizophrenia told me to just do it, fuck-off good and quick now and just stay there.

The other voices said they don’t want me . . . ……

How is it I’m unloved ?

===================================================

SUNDAY 29-April-2012.

It’s Sunday – Zzz zzz zzz

===================================================

AM Saturday 28-April-2012:

Mundane Q&A Time:

Q: What’s the difference between a lesbian and the well known pseudo crisp ‘Pringle’ ?

A: One’s a snack cracker and the other’s a . . . . ……

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 27-April-2012:

Have you seen the news ? Three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths in this appalling weather we’ve been after having become totally disorientated. Syncronicity ? – All three with the same name ???

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 26-April-2012:

Was just about to going out of the door last night in this pigs weather been having when the wife starts screaming at me . . . …… Darling – give it me, give it me before you go out, I’m so wet, so fucking wet . . . ….. Oh go on – Pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse

Told the bitch to fuck her self – It’s my umbrella and I use it.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 25-April-2012:

The wife’s becoming very insecure in her middle age – talk about a mid-life crises !

‘I’m so jealous of you, you’re still good looking and full of confidence !’

I thought and did say – Really, really ? – It should be me jealous of her.

! Her face light-up like a 150W lamp bulb !

Of course, you get to stay married to me and I’m stuck with a miserable fat bitch with no gratitude. 🙁

——————————————————————————————-

AM Tuesday 24-April-2012:

Wife’s sister knocked me out yesterday !

Bit of a twisted trick, putting chloroform in her knickers though. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 23-April-2012:

Q&A Time !

Q: What’s the difference between a lesbian in a porni and one real life ?

A: ~10 stone mean av.

===================================================

SUNDAY 22-April-2012.

It’s Sunday again – Z z z z z z z z^z (hiccup) zzzzzz

===================================================

AM Saturday 21-April-2012:

Shoved a few grapes up me kinky tarts arse last night for an experiment.

She did nowt but wine after. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 20-April-2012:

HM MI6 H.R. Dept. Recruitment Drive:

You have been specially selected for our underwater close inspection team.

Report to our nice new Embankment Offices 10.00hrs Monday next.

Please bring your Birth Certificate, NHS Medical Card, Driving Licence, Passport, x2 Utility Bills and that nice big holdall you use for work and football.

Luv&X’s. Q.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 19-April-2012:

Me tart caught me wanking in the bathroom for the third time in as many days !

The inevitable ensued:

‘Am I not enough for you – JUST WHAT do I have to do to so I don’t see this any more’ ! ! !

Try knocking first I said.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 18-April-2012:

My sexy Chinky neighbour told me she was desperate to get a good rodgering

When I had my kecks round me ankles I realised she meant she wanted to rent out her spare room. 😐

Can you come down to the police station and bale me out please ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 17-April-2012:

Paddy goes to doctor with a bright orange willy

Doctor goes through check-list:

Does anyone else in your family have this condition ? Paddy – No

Do you handle chemicals at work ? Paddy – No, I’m currently resting (!)

Doc: Well what do you do all day ?

Paddy: Watch porn and eat Wotsits. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 16-April-2012:

Silence is golden, especially when Scousers are looking for sympathy.

Our Psychology Correspondent: Hils Borough.

===================================================

SUNDAY 15-April-2012.

It’s Sunday – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

===================================================

AM Saturday 14-April-2012:

ref David Cameron’s Visit to Burma:

Swaps Time – Cameron for 2 doz Spifires -A definite no brainer- What a profit and we’ve now got an air force again ! Now, let’s see how that sod likes 15 years lock-down !

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 13-April-2012:

ref David Cameron’s Visit to Burma:

The RN were initially hoping the Spits are Seafire Navy Models as they’ve had their Harriers taken away from them by guess who (?). BUT, as the twat Cameron’s left them with bugger-all to launch them from, Their Lordships Marine beady eye is now being cast at HM’s new barge . . . …

——————————————————————————————

PM Thursday 12-April-2012:

ref David Cameron’s Current Visit to Burma:

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction Time: A use as been found for David Cameron !

Heading 3

During his visit, he’s ‘found’ ~2 doz Spitfires; stripped, preserved and crated, (not yet known as to if the engines with them -?- TBC), buried at end of the war to stop them falling into Jap/ Commi hands, (depending on which way the rice bowl dropped). So, . . …. the lad Cameron’s negotiating for the repatriation. (Double double coconuts for you David. BIG G.) With a bit of luck the Burmese will keep him, send us the planes and that nice lady. BUT – Pull the embassy out quick before they find out what they’ve got out of the deal !) For now, until we get the planes back, keep the bastard sweet and floating on his cloud – VOTE CONSERVATIVE !

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 11-April-2012:

Try this puzzle:

This maths sequence will predict you favourite film/ nearest from list below (Mine is Casablanca and it got it spot-on) Not sure how it works but it does ! ! !

Pick any number from 1 to 9

Multiply by 3

Add 3 to that result

Multiply again by 3

Add together the two digits of that result and that gives you your choice of film:

1: Top Hat

2: Brief Encounter

3: Casablanca

4: The Day of The Jackal

5: Mary Poppins

6: The Italian Job

7: Star Wars

8: The Matrix

9: The Joy of Public Involuntary Intimate Body Piercing with Blunted Instruments and Sudden, Random, Raw Anal Sex with Tethered and Tightly Bound Billy-Goats with Gratuitous Whipping by Drug-Crazed, Dominant, Leather-Clad, Fully Shaved, Totally Oiled-Up Lady Boys (of Bankok)

3D + Surround Sound with Dolby

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 10-April-2012:

Bullying Awareness&Support Group.

Next Meeting: Tomorrow. Usual Place. 7PM – BE THERE OR ELSE.

——————————————————————————————

EASTER MONDAY 09-April-2012.

Easter Monday -Jolly Bank Holli- Fuck Daisy Nook it’s pissing down – again

===================================================

EASTER SUNDAY 08-April-2012.

! EASTER SUNDAY ! – Get thyself to mosque Abdul !

(Might go on rides again at Daisy Nook if it clears up this affy)

===================================================

EASTER SATURDAY 07-April-2012:

In view of the recent unseasonal high temperatures of this winter and the lack of snow on severe competition standard skiing pistes across the world, The Pakistanni National Skiing Team have good-heartedly extended open invitation to their Israeli counterparts for free use of their extreme high-level training camp. The P’Words feel so confident of their abilities so far that they have offered to let the Y’Words have the run of the camp for as long as they want, stating if they do meet up at the forthcoming Winter Olympics, they’ll fucking bury them anyway.

——————————————————————————————

EASTER FRIDAY 06-April-2012.

IT IS GOOD FRIDAY – Day-Off

I’m goin’ ter Daisy Nook this affy – After Matins

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 05-April-2012:

Paddy is on his death bed so to ease his last hours is placed in the warmest room in the house – the kitchen. He drifts into consciousness and on smelling fresh baking reaches out for one of Mary’s new scones on the cooling rack.

WHACK ! – Mary brings the heavy wooden stirring spoon down on his hand !

PADDY ! – Bide yer time – Them’s are fer the funeral. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 04-April-2012:

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be ?

Will I be handsome, will I be rich ?

Here’s what she said to me:

Dave, yer Dad wants a word with yer – NOW.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 03-April-2012:

Father Holy Thing is again musing on the eternal truths, this time wondering down the road – He gets knocked down by a lorry and taken to local Krankenhauser. (Bad do – mechanic job needed)

He regains consciousness when being wheeled on trolley to op theatre.

On gazing around and then up at the apparition of an angel looking benevolently down on him, he asks if he has indeed arrived in Heaven ?

Nay, spaketh the Angel, you’re just passing through the childrens ward.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 02-April-2012:

For HOLY WEEK – Tasteful Fitting Adorations:

As a poor local parish priest was wondering along a gentle river meander one calm summer evening meditating on the meaning of life and even higher spiritual thoughts, he came across an ugly frog sitting on a lily leaf gently floating on a quiet side pool; the animal croaking to whoever was in ear-shot. The priest took no notice particular and passed slowly on. He halted abruptly when he heard the frogs croak turning into a broken human voice crying-out for help ! On turning and coming close to the frog he heard a strangled hoarse ‘Help Me’ ‘Help Me’ ‘Help Me’ from the little reptilian. Totally astounded the humble Holy Man picked-up the frog and brought him close to him to listen further . . . …. ‘PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help’ pleaded the frog. ‘I am turned into that which you see and trapped in this hideous body by the curse of a wicked witch and there is only one way to lift it, and, dear kind Father, that can only be done by one so holy and spiritual such as you’. Just how can I help, asked the now much concerned Father Holy-Thing ? ‘Take me to your chamber and slumbers this one night dear sir, and, should the witch be true to her word, by morn the curse will be lifted and I will be returned to my previous form’ pleaded the stricken one.

So, Mi-Lud, and you, the esteemed Ladies & Gentlemen of the jury, that is why the choir boy was found where he was by the police and concludes the case for the defense.

===================================================

SUNDAY 01-APRIL-2012.

Shutted –IT IS SUNDAY– I’m taking the day off.

Will you ?

Eds Orders:

Go to Church / Mosque / Schule / Coven / Flavour Other of Your Choice,

and then have a nice walk in the park after. 🙂

Be kind to yourself + To all others who are kind to you. 🙂

AND TAKE A BLOODY DAY OFF ONCE A WEEK

AND BE

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Saturday 31-March-2012:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

Sean asks Paddy:
How do you spell orange ?
Paddy:
Do you mean the colour or the fruit ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 30-March-2012:

The Met Office weatherman said the recent very good conditions and high temp situation is going to reverse early next week and the temp drop really low and everyone should check on the elderly and senile –
Are you all right ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 29-March-2012:

The quality of the ale offered over any bar particular at any time particular,
is directly, and inversely, proportional to the size of the barmaids tits.
Quality Control Rule 1.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 28-March-2012:

After visiting a knocking shop bloke notices green lump on his willy 🙁 🙁 🙁
Pox Doctor:
That’s serious, you’ve heard of boxers cauliflower ear ?
Bloke:
Yes (nervously)
Doc:
Well that’s brothel sprout !

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 27-March-2012:

THEY

SAY

THAT

PEOPLE

WHO

TAKE

THE

ARSE

READ

REALLY

SLOWLY

FOR

APPARENT

REASON.

? ? ? ? ? ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 26-March-2012:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think I’ve got Alzheimer’s
Cheese on Toast please Matron
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think I’ve got Alzheimer’s
Cheese on Toast please Matron

===================================================

SUNDAY 25-March-2012.

It is Sunday – Shop Shut. Come back tomorrow.

===================================================

AM Saturday 24-March-2012:

Walked past two VERY LARGE girls watching Wales v Scotland on TV in the pub last night. I didn’t recognise the accents, so: You two ladies from Scotland ? Them: Wales ! Me: You two whales from Scotland then ?

Then it all kicked-off . . . …………

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 23-March-2012:

A Short Course in:
Vehicle Dynamics + Mechanical Motive Measurement
&
Pharmacology:
‘Understeer’     is when you hit the wall with the front end of the car
‘Oversteer’       is when hit the wall with the rear end of the car
‘Power’              is a measure of how fast you can hit the wall
‘Torque’             is a measure of how far you will penetrate the wall before the engine stalls
‘Vehicle Mass’ together with speed and torque, is a combined measure of how far you will displace the wall
‘Deal’    is a measure of how soon will hit the wall after you’ve scored.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 22-March-2012:

Wife’s just totally surprised me – Picked-up her cases and left claiming I was just too prone to exaggeration to live with. Nearly tripped over me dick. 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 21-March-2012:

AA Van just past me. The driver was shaking, talking to himself and crying, and staring straight ahead. I think he’s heading for a breakdown. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 20-March-2012:

Flash Buggery Mob UK: As a well known bum-puncher and pervert about town, you are invited to take part in our next stunt event. Meet Parliament Square : Friday next : 12.30 hrs. Tap shoes. General dress optional. Event Focus: David Cameron. NO VASELINE. Music by Beyonce.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 19-March-2012:

A last (for now) tribute to St Pat’s best:

Paddy angrily marches into The Job Centre demanding to see the manager.
Paddy: Oi’ve been ringing your contact phone number for a week and no fecker answers the phone !
The manager is highly puzzled and asks for the number Paddy says he rang.
Did you get this from our front door sign sir ?
Paddy: Oi did.
Manager: 08001630 is our opening hours sir.

===================================================

SUNDAY 18-March-2012.

DAY OFF.

Stop being a bloody Heathen and do likewise

(Unless you’re an essential service)

PM Went out with me tart. – Do likewise. (After all, if you leave them indoors and out of sunlight for too long they’ll get mildew)

===================================================

AM Saturday 17-March-2012:

! HAPPY St PATRICK’S DAY !

x6 Of The Best:

1: The Luck of The Irish: Mick sees Sean with a long face coming out of the pub with a sign on the door reading:

! HAPPY St PAT’s !

! SPECIAL MENU + VERY SPECIAL ENTERTAINMENT FOR ALL PADDIES !

Drinks:                Beer 10p/ Pint :    Boddingtons + Robinsons + Sam Smiths Organic.                          Stout : Free :    Guinness
Food:                                                                                                                                                                    Pies 10p : Fortnum & Masons                                                                                                    Chips + Peas + Gravy : Free                                                                                                     Crisps & Nuts : Free :    Harrods Entertainment:                                                                                                                                                           Shag 50p :    ex Miss Worlds (x9)                                                                                        Blow-Job 25p :    ex Miss UK ‘s (x7)
Tit-Wank 10p : ex Miss England (x2)                                                                                 Std Hand-Job : 05p :    ex Miss Manchester (x3)

Mick: Wot’s up Sean ?
Sean: Beer’s off. 🙁 🙁 🙁

2: Mary has never had an orgasm during sex so Paddy takes her to the doctor.
After a number of tests the doc concludes Mary is over heating during the act and needs cooling.
Paddy can’t afford a fan so he asks Mick to waft a towel over them.
Mick obliges but after 20 minute the results are still the same.
Mick offers to shag her and Paddy agrees.
After a few seconds Mary’s screaming in pleasure.
Paddy smiles smugly:
So der Mick – And dat’s how yer waft a towel.

3: Traditional Irish gypsy girl about to get married
The tribe wise woman briefs her on the wedding night:
These are the facts of life:
Yer do realise that as soon as you’re wed,
your husband will want to put his most prized possession into where you wee ?
The girl is absolutely astounded:
Ah Be-Jazus and Be-Gorrah she exclaims
Away wiv yer yer owd biddy
How’s he goin ter fit his Transit in the sink ?

4: Paddy is digging holes in the woods and Mick in attendance:
Paddy digs them then Mick fills them in.

Puzzled farmer watches and asks:
Why you dig a hole and other lad fill in ?
Paddy:
Ah there’s normally 3 of us but Shawn, who plants the trees, phoned in sick today.

5: ref The International Pilots Fuel-Saving Go-Slow Flying Protest: Air Lingus pilots are willingly taking part in it but are puzzled as to why everybody else wants to go faster than their 40 knots – ?

6: Paddy:
Look at that flock of cows.
Mick:
Herd of cows you daft twat.
Paddy:
Oi’ve just feckin told yer about dem so of course Oi’ve herd of cows
DER’S A FECKIN FLOCK OF DEM OVER THERE.

that’s it : dah dah !

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 16-March-2012:

Went into the kitchen this morning and found the wife lying face down on the deck, not breathing. 🙁
I became afraid and I’m ashamed to say I panicked – Just didn’t know what to do ? ? ? ? ? ?
Then I remembered;
Do McDonalds still do a breakfast of sorts until 11.00hrs ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 15-March-2012:

Statistics have shown that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedophile
Personally I live next door to 2 stunning 10 year olds

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 14-March-2012:

Taffy, Jock + Paddy are chatting in the pub lamenting the logic of their ladies:
Taffy:
My wife has just bought a car and can’t drive !
Jock:
My wife’s going on a diet and she’s 7 stone now !
Paddy:
My wife’s just taken one of these cheap week breaks to Benidorm
She’s taken 36 French letters and she certainly hasn’t got a willy !

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 13-March-2012:

Not betting on the horses at Cheltenham any more. 🙁
The one I put money on got pelted with eggs, tomatoes, ham, biscuits . . . . . …………
The poor sod got hampered !

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 12-March-2012:

Fukashima Tsunami Nuclear Disaster Anniversary – One Year After: The very last (and worst) Fukashima Nuc text:
Was it all a flash in Japan ?

===================================================

SUNDAY 11-March-2012.

Gone to Sunday School.

===================================================

AM Saturday 10-March-2012:

! Q&A Time ! Q: What breed of dog does the average Daily Mail reader keep ? A: A Shitzup.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 09-March-2012:

HM Met Office Forecast: With mind to the current solar flare storm and terrestrial weather conditions all compounding to drive The Northern Lights further south, if the sky does clear over London tonight, we might well see a southern Borisorriblearsehole in all it’s glory. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 08-March-2012:

A recent statistical survey has concluded that 99 out of a 100 %’s don’t give a shit.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 07-March-2012:

10 THINGS GIRLS SHOULD SAY TO THEIR BOYFRIENDS:

1 : I’m bored, let’s shave my fanny.
2 : Are you sure you’ve had enough beer ?
Let me get you another pint.
3 : That fart was most amusing, do another.
4 : Of course I swallow, I love it, and so does my sister.
5 : No that’s OK, I don’t really want to talk;
You drink beer and watch porn, I’ll do the washing-up.
6 : For a change will you put it in my arse ?
7 : How about getting that girl from work to join us one night ?
8 : I’m away next week
My Mum fancies you so I’ll send her round to see if there’s anything you want
9 : I’m sterile
10 : Marriage ? – ! NO WAY !

Sadly Carlsberg doesn’t make girlfriends 🙁 . . . . . . . .
BUT
Thailand does 🙂

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 06-March-2012:

After the recent spate of shootings of US squaddies, and now UK personnel, by infiltrating Taliban and turned Affy’s, the US army and Pentagon at large is getting extremely concerned that the Taliban have totally broken their monopoly on friendly fire.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 05-March-2012:

To The Populace At Large – Fred/Albert/George/Doris/Gladys Ethel:
I know you:
A) Don’t like:
1 : Texts of no consequence
2 : Statistics
3 : Silly useless facts of no real value to you.
B) Don’t give a fried rats turd about Facebook
BUT
Here’s 3 or 4 litle stats of true (ie sic) shite that you need to prove
you were right and justified in your above stance:
1 : Users spend 16 BILLION fucking minutes on fucking FACEBOOK EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY !
2 : 50% OF THE 100 MILLION known users (shouldn’t that be ‘Used’ ?) log-on every day !
3 : The above necessitates the full time use of 60,000 servers !
4 : There is a ongoing project to build a Facebook dedicated server farm in Oregan
Source of Above:
Facebook Inc Annual Report 2010:
Structure 2010
A request:
You can’t enjoy the above but please share it with those who don’t want to know fuck-all about any other bod they haven’t met naturally.
They, like you and me, are not alone, but thank fuck we’re all going to stay that way.
Divided we have peace & quiet.

===================================================

SUNDAY 04-March-2012.

Gone to church.

===================================================

AM Saturday 03-March-2012:

Little 1/2 cast lad says to his mum:
How come I’m black and you’re white ?
Mother:
Don’t even go there, the state I was in at that party you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark !

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 02-March-2012:

Just got thrown out of the local mosque:
I stood there during prayers having a quiet nosy around . . .
and . . . . ..
well . . . ..
I couldn’t help myself . . . ..
I just fucking LOVE LEAPFROG !

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 01-MARCH-2012:

HAPPY BEER DAY

Luv

Iceland.

(The island of bankrupt whale-butty eaters – Not the shop)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Wednesday 29-February-2012:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

All generalisations are bad.

Godd J.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 28-February-2012:

Sarcozey has offered UK his Foreign Legion on the cheap
UKIP:
We’ve already got one – Would you like to see the:
Polish, Estonian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Bulgarian, Czechoslovak, Hungarian, Rumanian, Ukrainian, Portuguese, Greek, Moroccan, Turkish, Indian, Pakistani, West Indian, Entire African Mid-Southern (NOT forgetting Chad – Obviously) brigades ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 27-February-2012:

David Cameron (the well known Prime Minister impersonator) has announced plans to make it harder for people to claim dole. From now on all forms will be printed in English.

===================================================

SUNDAY 26-February-2012.

1st Sunday in Lent so we’re giving-up texts on Sunday –

You’ll just have to rub along with stuff from the past. 🙂

===================================================

AM Saturday 25-February-2012:

Whilst standing at he pub urinals relieving myself noticed there was a midget next to me who kept winking. Can’t be doing with that , Midget or not. So I challenged: ‘Are you queer or what ?’

Midget: Perfectly straight old boy, it’s just that you’ve splashed my eyes . 🙁 🙁 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 24-February-2012:

I was invited to a barbecue for the Premature Ejaculation Society.
I asked if there was a dress code – ?
No, they said, just come in your pants. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 23-February-2012:

I’ve just seen a scarecrow in a field trying to have a wank.
Personally, I think he’s clutching at straws. 😐

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 22-February-2012:

Police, on stopping Paddy last night going home at midnight:
Where were you between 5 and 11 Paddy ?
Paddy :
Primary School.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 21-February-2012:

Little Susi to Mum:
Mum, why do brides get married in bright white but you and all the ladies I know seem never to shine and wear it ?
Mum to Suzi:
Ah well, you see, all domestic appliances originally come in sparkly new white, it’s just that when they’re used they become grey, grubby and battered.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 20-February-2012:

Ken A’Afka phoned-in to work this morning saying he’s got anal blindness and couldn’t come-in today.
Old : Wot’s that ?
Ken : ‘I just can’t see my arse getting out of bed today’ 😐

===================================================

SUNDAY 19-February-2012.

Gone to mosque (all tastes catered for)

===================================================

AM Saturday 18-February-2012:

You can’t win / The road to hell is paved with good intentions / You can’t do right for wrong etc:
I’ve been asked to stop works and leave The Salvation Army soup kitchen where I’ve been volunteering 🙁
They said what I shouted to the straggling hangers-on last night:
‘Come-on you lot some of us have homes to go to’, wasn’t quite in keeping with the general ambience.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 17-February-2012:

Bloke goes up to bird in bar and asks:

Would you like to see magic ?

What magic she asks ?

I take you home, I screw you, you put your clothes on and go away:

! MAGIC !

——————————————————————————————

Thursday 16-February-2012:

Need your advice on a serious domestic prob. Me tarts having an affair – suspected it for a long time now: Caller hangs-up when I pick it up phone, nights out ‘with the girls’, losing interest in cooking and housework. Last night I hid in the shed behind me motorbike. When she came home, she got out of some blokes car buttoning up her blouse then took her pants out of her bag and slipped them on. It was only then when crouching behind the bike it really came home to me . . . … That sporadic oil leak wasn’t coming from a gasket but a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket. NOW, is that something I can weld or do I really need to replace it ?

——————————————————————————————

Wednesday 15-February-2012:

I love Wales it’s a great little country.
Where else can you get an intelligent conversation (WELL MORE THAN THE AVERAGE ANYWAY), a ready shag (without the usual kiss&tell),
a hotpot and a smashing scarf
all out of the same girlfirend ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 14-February-2012:

VALENTINES

I look forward to Valentines night
I get an arse shag !
The wife’s dyslexic and thinks it’s Vaseline day

Your Valentine:
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over Dahling
You’re about to get fisted
(copy-write moonpig.com)

Your Valentine:
Shhhhhh don’t tell anyone but, I’m going to go down on you in public.
And you’re going to love it – immediately.
But it’s only going to last for a little while,
and when you think it’s going to last for ever,
then I’m going back up as you start to think you’re going to have it forever.
Then I’m going to fuck you over reet proper.
Lurv & X’s
Fuel Prices.

Had a romantic dream last night. Dreamt the blond one out of ABBA was crawling all over me stroking and licking. Woke up with a start, puzzled and frightened, when his beard tickled me bollocks 🙁

There’s something I need to tell you all, it’s been on mind for bit, it’s very hard to say:
Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog’s dead.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 13-February-2012:

Bloke with one arm walking down street
Bumps into gobby mate.

Gobby Mate: Where you going ?

One Armed Man: To change a light bulb
Gobby Mate: That’s going to be awkward innit ?

One Armed Man : Shouldn’t be, I’ve still got the receipt.

===================================================

SUNDAY 12-February-2012.

Gone to schule (all tastes catered for)

===================================================

AM Saturday 11-February-2012:

Little girl goes into pet shop. She shuts the door and not seeing anyone in the shop calls-out to the owner who is occupied in the back: Good morning Mr Petshop proprietor and excuthe me, dwo yoo hav wenny liddle wabbits ?
The shop keeper wonders whose is the sweet voice, enters the shop and his heart melts on meeting such a sweet and polite child.
Ah little girl, he replies, we have quite a selection for you.
Do you want a thoft fluffy black wabbit, a black & white one, this one with long floppy ears, or a liddle bwown wabbit like the one over there ?
The little girl ponders on the choice for a while and scratches her head . . . ……
After more consideration she replies:
Mr Petshop owner, thanyew vewwy, vewwy much
but ,
I don’t think my python gives a shit either way.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 10-February-2012:

Life before computers:
Memory           –   Was something you lost with age
An Application:       –   Was for a job
A Programme        –   Was on telly
A Cursor        –   Was someone who swears too much
A Keyboard        –   Was on a piano
A Web           –   Was something a spider caught flies in
A Virus        –   Was the flu
A Hard Drive       –   Was London in the rush-hour
A Mouse Pad        –   Was where a mouse lived
+
If you had a 3 1/2″ Floppy

You tried to stay sober and hoped she didn’t tell her mates

🙁 😐 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 09-February-2012:

TIP FOR THE DAY:
Treat life’s little probs as a dog would:

Sniff it first.
If you can eat it – do it.

If you can’t eat it:
If it’s inanimate and you can’t play with it – move-on.

If it’s living – See if it’s tail’s wagging
If it is, then play with it / shag it / share it’s food.

If it isn’t wagging its tail, especially if it looks as though it might bite you:
Piss on it and walk away.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 08-February-2012:

The wife walked into the bedroom from shower last night and the curtains were open

! Shut the curtains quick! she shouted, the neighbours might see !

If they do, they’ll shut their own curtains I thought . . . …

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 07-February-2012:

The wife’s finally gone and left me

Just can’t blame her really. I kept getting erections in places not socially acceptable by her, indeed absolutely inappropriate by anybody’s standards.

The last one was her sisters arse.

🙁 / 🙂

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 06-February-2012:

Just swallowed some Scrabble squares

Could spell trouble when I go for a poo

🙁

===================================================

SUNDAY 05-February-2012.

Just looked out of the window – weather worsening; must let wife in in a bit – IT IS SUNDAY.

===================================================

PM Saturday 04-February-2012:

HM Government Travel Warning:

Anyone travelling in the current much variable and cold weather with its icy conditions should take all care and practice due diligence taking the following precautions:

Always carry a small std spade (ex military entrenching tool from your local ex Army & Navy stores will do nicely), blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing incl scarf hat and gloves, 24hr supply of hot drinks and food. De-Icer. Torch + spare bulb & batteries. Your standard mobile phone + spare phone, both with fully charged batteries; the spare should be on the network of a service supplier other than that of your usual handset. Safety warning triangle and preferably a flashing yellow beacon. Tow rope, traction mats, spare fuel in proper container. 1st Aid Kit. Battery start pack + jump leads proper. Portable multi-waveband radio. Snow shovel.

CAMERON, YOU’RE A CUNT.

WOT A FUCKIN’ TWAT I LOOKED AT THE BUS STOP THIS MORNING.

🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 03-February-2012:

Personal Ads.
Lonely Hearts:
Premature Ejaculator seeks statuesque brunette with massive tits + waxed . . ….
Wait . . . ……
Oh, it doesn’t matter. 🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 02-February-2012:

Football News:
John Terry has been asked to account for his movements last night.

——————————————————————————————

PM Wednesday 01-FEBRUARY-2012:

Fred The Shred’s had his knighthood stripped.
Is there no long-term security in skulduggery ?
Oh deary, deary, me.
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

PM Tuesday 31-January-2012:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature . . . . . . ……

——————————————————————————————

PM Monday 30-January-2012:

Took the wife to a swingers session at weekend . . . …
Total failure 🙁
(Rope were too long and her feet kept touching the floor)

===================================================

SUNDAY 29-January-2012.

Sunday, Sunday, zzzzzzzzzz

===================================================

AM Saturday 28-January-2012:

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the lane one bright spring morning
On rounding a bend in the roads she sees The Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a bush
Good morning Mr Wolf she shouts
He looks up, sees her and lopes-off into the woods

A little while later she again sees him hidden behind a tree
HELLO AGAIN Mr Wolf what a wonderful morning, she cries
Again the wolf runs off

A little while later she again sees him crouching behind a log
Mr Wolf what wonderful white teeth you have

LOOK YOU SILLY LITTLE GET,
IF DON’T WANT TO FEEL THEM – JUST FUCK-OFF WILL YOU
I’m trying to have a quiet shit in peace 🙁
Mr Wolf.

——————————————————————————————

PM Friday 27-January-2012:

Paki walks into pub with an enormous great red parrot on his shoulder.
Barman looks up and asks:
WHERE the fuck did yer get that from ?
Parrot:
Blackburn – There’s millions of the buggers.

——————————————————————————————

PM Thursday 26-January-2012:

Social worker inspecting care-home:

To Old Girl:

Have you ever been bed-ridden here ?

Old Girl:

Couple of times but I prefer it backwards when I’m leaning over me zimmer frame

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 25-January-2012:

Just ordered an invisible lump hammer off e-bay . . . ….

The wife won’t know wot hit her !

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 24-January-2012:

Walked into a lap-dancing club last night and there was these two ‘cuddly’ tarts dancing on a table.
I noted and remarked out loud on walking past, ‘What amazing legs !’

The girls giggled and both asked with a smile: ‘Do you really think so ?’

Me: Most definitely, under your weight most tables would have collapsed by now.

Then it all kicked-off good style . . . ……

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 23-January-2012:

Bloke goes for a sex change op
His best mate showing sincere sympathy visits him post op and asks him if it hurt when they chopped his tackle off ?
Not as much as when they shrunk me brain and widened my mouth said the patient 🙁

===================================================

SUNDAY 22-January-2012.

Nowt : It’s SUNDAY.

===================================================

AM Saturday 21-January-2012:

3 women 1 engaged, 1 mistress, 1 married discuss how to excite their respective men
They decide heavy goth eye make-up, a mask, black leather and stilettos is the thing
and agree to each try it and share the results . . . ……
The engaged girl said it went spectacularly they were immediately at it all night
The mistress confirmed just the same for her
The married woman said her husband took one look and asked
What’s for dinner batman ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 20-January-2012.

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

George Michael on hearing of the stricken Wop liner offered sobering help:
‘Try Anusol first – Works every time for me after I’ve been out and had a cruising disaster.
I often finish-up lying on me side with a badly damaged bottom’

Stage Magician on the cruise ship was constantly interrupted during act and has his tricks spoilt by that you cannot get rid of – The Ships Parrott
Every time he does a trick the parrot shouts out –
4 of Clubs / It’s in his pocket / It’s got a false bottom / Behind the screen etc etc
The ship prangs and part sinks as we know, and he and the parrot finish-up thrown away from the ship clinging to same life-raft but instead of being picked-up, they drift out to sea for days.
The parrot says absolutely fuck-all during the whole time.
On the 3rd day it looks at him:
OK, I give-up, where’s the fuckin ship ?

Went to the funeral of a mate of mine who died on the cruise liner
Wreath were in the shape of a life-jacket –
It were what he would have wanted

Why all the mither and palava about this Wop boat ?
It’s diesel electric !
All you’ve got to do is throw a power line on,
Pump the motor room dry,
Connect up the running motors,
Engage any of the 18 reverse gears
And . . . ……

That’s enough now – Next topic.

Ed.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 19-January-2012:

City News:
Kodak have blamed their bankruptcy on being over exposed.

🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 18-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

The crew of The Costa Concordia are still looking for the winner of the ships last lottery.
They’re not going to give-up ’till they find them as it’s a roll-over.

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 17-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

Wife:
Can I drive ?
Husband:
No – You know what you’re like manoeuvring in tight spots
Wife:
I’ll be nice to you tonight
Husband:
All right then.
And that, Your Honour, was the last recording from
Costa Concordia black-box recorder.

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 16-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

The Good Ship Venus
Verse 1. Rev 1:
The Captain of this lugger,
He was a crafty bugger,
When he jumped ship,
He left us all in the

aqua.

===================================================

SUNDAY 15-January-2012.

Gone fishing (NOT in The Med)

===================================================

AM Saturday 14-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

How come he didn’t engage reverses ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 13-January-2012:

And, just for today:

Have you ever noticed it’s only ‘Perfect People’ that are murdered or killed in horrific accidents – viz:
‘He/She/They were the perfect son/daughter/couple’
‘Such a tragic accident etc – They were the perfect family’
‘They died together – The perfect couple’
etc
Aren’t you glad you’re a total twat and completely safe ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 12-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming tour of cruise liners.
‘Dancing On The Ceiling’ has lost all appeal for him.

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 11-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

Bloke in pub to barman at closing time:
‘Was watching the news on telly earlier tonight.
The media-tart reporter observed:
‘Costa Concordia is lying on her side with a gash the size of tennis court showing’
I just happened to glance at the Mrs on the couch and its all kicked-off good style now’
🙁

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 10-January-2012:

ON THE ITALIAN NAVY TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE MED

Wop model-maker phones Airfix shop:
Have you got one of The Costa Concordia before they stop making them ?
Model Shop Prop:
Yes sir – Just the one though.
Wop:
Can you put it to one side for me ?

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 09-January-2012:

Anthony Worral-Thompson says he ‘needs treating’

!HELLO! Magazine have sponsored him in a trolley dash round Waitrose.

===================================================

SUNDAY 08-January-2012.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?

A: It was stuffed into Anthony Worral-Thompsons jacket.

===================================================

AM Saturday 07-January-2012:

Medical News:
The French breast implant company, PIP, are going to remove thousands of artificial, false, over inflated, useless tits.
You just hang in there sunshine, I won’t tell them where you live.

——————————————————————————————

AM Friday 06-January-2012:

Just started a serious sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It’s been very rewarding really,
but it really was hard getting her husbands voice just right.

——————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 05-January-2012:

I’m in the dog house with me tart.
She got pissed last night and said:
‘If you turn the lamp off, I’ll take it up the arse’
I suppose I really should have let the bulb cool down first . . . …

——————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 04-January-2012:

BREWERS & PAWNBROKERS ASSOCIATION NOTICE

Hard-up after Crimbo ?
Does you wife or girlfriend have any unwanted jewellery ?
Rings, Earrings, Necklaces, Bracelets etc ?
If so, bring them to us, go on this piss with the money and give the ungrateful bitch a slap !
Don’t forget:
Last years jewellery is this years beer
Jewels – They’re always going out of fashion
Beer – A constant companion.
beerconverters.co.uk

——————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 03-January-2012:

Farmer finds cows frozen in snow 🙁
He prays to God for help
A shining lady appears and spreads her arms over the icy beasts and they immediately defrost
And wander the field happily searching pasture
! THANK YOU ! ! THANK YOU ! ! THANK YOU !
Exclaims the grateful farmer
Are you an angel sent by God ?
Oh not really, says the lady,
I’m just the ghost of Thora Heard. 🙂

——————————————————————————————

AM Monday 02-January-2012:

Is it leap year this year ?

Don’t ask me I’ve got Aspburgers Syndrome

Aspburgers Syndrome

===================================================

SUNDAY 01-JANUARY-2012:

Thought For The Day and A Consideration For The New Year:

‘Just remember:
Life isn’t for ever’
Jeremy Hardy.

For 2013 we’re going to release a special needs charity promotional nude calendar to be called:
‘Mongs in Thongs’
Can you be Mr/Miss December ?

Got arrested last night.
You try standing next to a not P’Word with a rucksack shouting
10, 9, 8, 7, (etc)
AND YOU TRY NOT DECKING THE TWAT.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Last of 2011:

PM Saturday 31-December-2011:

LAST OF THE YEAR:

Your Annual Revue

After careful examination and consideration of your performance as a friend and relative during 2011, I have formed the view you are mainly a free-loading arse, but with acute bi-polar tendancies coupled with narcissistic leanings. Poor table manners and body hygiene, no dress sense and habitual nose picking in public do nothing to negate the above. That said, I am an only child and you are my mother, and sole beneficiary of my deceased millionaire fathers estate, so I have decided to extend your contract for a further 12 months.

Please try to wash occasionally.

===================================================

THE SUB-NOTES STANDING, STD & USUAL:
VERGESSEN SIE NICHT:
IF NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS,
HOW COME THE BASTARDS KEEP MANUFACTURING IT ?

Oportet Operam Dore
However, me thinks, it just depends what you’re working at. :-|
Old :

And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.

+
! HELP ! – THEY’VE GOT OUR DNA !

! STOP PRESS !
An Inverse But Still Tasteful Marketing Promotion:
THE MERCHANDISE SHOP IS SHUT:
🙁
CLOSED FOR RE-FURB’ UNTIL AUTUMN 2013
SEE NOTICE TO HEAD OF WOM PAGE !

! BUY ODA T-SHIRTS WHEN WE RE-OPEN
(YOU BASTARDS) !
Or the girl gets it !
(I wish – PLEASE don’t tell Mrs Ed)
COMING SOON – POST TAB RESPONSE FACILITY TO ALL ON ODA SITE
ie Your chance to comment

**********************************************************************************************

> THIS PAGE : Description : Tasteful daily adjuncts to a jaded world <
> THIS PAGE : Make-Up : A collection of pieces various without structured listing <

> THIS PAGE : Last Update Proper Loaded : LATEST TO HEAD OF PAGE. <
> THIS PAGE : Latest Draft to Above : PM Saturday 26-January-2013. <

**********************************************************************************************

All times noted to writings to >Railway Time=London Greenwich< * PROPER.
None of that funny foreign ‘Eastern Seaboard Time’ etc
(Which they use in Southend)
or even any of that UDT. (Lark wot owr milkman ‘as)

* GMT. + When in season, easy-read BST.
(Which surprisingly contains no added E-Numbers, hydrogenated oils or salt
and is thought to be non-fattening and harmless to animals)
~~May~~ ~~Might~~ Does not contain nuts.
(Noted for the sake of any passing plebs who ~~may~~ might be considering it
for referral to their social worker as grounds for their next claim)

ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap

ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater

If No News Is Good News, How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?

So, to end the year and reflect back on 2012:

PM Monday 31-December-2012:

HEAD NOTES:

ref THIS PAGE STYLE : STANDING NOTES:

ref The Pieces Below + Above + The E-steamed Wisdom Contained Therein:

For New Recipients – Yes, we do know:

aka. Piss-Off You Princess. 🙁 / 🙂

SHUT.

ODA Xmas Day Message 2012

Av An Appy Won AND, LET DESTINY TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

Dont forget to give ourdogsarse.org a daily sniff in 2013

SNIFF OFTEN. BREATH FREELY.

Monday 24-December-2012:

THAT’S YER LOT !

We’ll be back in The New Year.

And we’re SHUT.

SHUT.

! JOIN UKIP NOW !

REMEMBRANCE SUNDAY

got nowt to say BUT for

An ODA BOGOF DAY:

! HALLOWEEN SPOOKY WIRELESS !

S s U h ND u A t Y

S s H un U da T y

Bonus Special Extra:

Monday 01-OCTOBER-2012:

Banker / Politician / Estate Agent / General Spiv / Parking Warden.

! High Jump Bungee Jumps !

Bankers, Politicians, Estate Agents, General Spivs & Parking Wardens

! JUMP FREE !

KATE MIDDLETON

IS an anagram FOR

NAKED TIT MODEL

New ODA Campaign: Sandi for Queen. (NOW)

Late Summer Holiday Post Cards Home:

! Britain’s Got Talent !

Your chance to have your say:

! Text your vote to Whitehall 1212 NOW !

Royal News From Leicester:

Saturday 01-SEPTEMBER-2012:

Have you noticed how many famous people have the same middle name ?

PRE: Found this gem of in a note book of O&S I’ve accumulated down the years. ‘Tis of such delicacy and piquancy I think I might well repeat it as The Wom Page Greeting to The Site

It’s caused ‘Hikikimori’ (sic)

Wednesday 01-AUGUST-2012:

*{}DA View {}n N{}t ({}bvi{}usly) The {}lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -VI :

* {}urD{}gsArse {}FFICIAL RING-PIECE

*QDA View on Not (obviously) The Qlympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -VII :

* QurDQgsArse QFFICIAL RING-PIECE

*<>DA View on Not (obviously) The <>lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -IIX :

Q without an A (from the apparatchiks) Time:

If the hotels of London are now filling to max capacity

If they are filling mainly with foreign visitors

* <>urD<>gsArse <>FFICIAL RING-PIECE

*()DA View on Not (obviously) The ()lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -IX :

* ()urD()gsArse ()FFICIAL RING-PIECE

*[]DA View on The []lympy Thingy : Latest News : DAY -X :

* []urD[]gsArse []FFICIAL RING-PIECE **To every spiv on the planet, and prob beyond.

Midday Special:

SUNDAY 01-JULY-2012.

Friday 01-JUNE-2012:

AM Tuesday 01-MAY-2012:

SUNDAY 01-APRIL-2012.

AM Thursday 01-MARCH-2012:

PM Wednesday 01-FEBRUARY-2012:

SUNDAY 01-JANUARY-2012:

Last of 2011:

If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?

ref The Pieces Below + Above
+
The E-steamed Wisdom Contained Therein:

Av An Appy Won
AND, LET DESTINY TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

Dont forget to give ourdogsarse.org a daily sniff in 2013

IS
an anagram
FOR

New ODA Campaign:
Sandi for Queen. (NOW)

PRE:
Found this gem of in a note book of O&S I’ve accumulated down the years.
‘Tis of such delicacy and piquancy I think I might well repeat it as
The Wom Page Greeting to The Site

* []urD[]gsArse []FFICIAL RING-PIECE
**To every spiv on the planet, and prob beyond.