ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap
ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater
If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?
********************************************************************************
THE GRAND TOUR
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‘He who would travel far,
will oft see that,
which if related to the obdurate in the fields at home,
will not be believed.’
Herman Hesse.
Journey to The East.
===================================================
No 1 of a series of ? :
THE LAST RESORT – BLACKPOOL
by Old :
(His Oplus Magnum)
: BLACKPOOL :
Ye Phenomena
Ye General Principia of ye Principium
A Short Treatise on Ye Hole and its Affects on ye Phlogiston of Ye Environs
According to Ye Principles of Unnatural Philosophy
as proposed by
Ye Royale Society of Gorton & Longsight
{affiliated}
BLACKPOOL : THE ANALYSIS
Synopsis:
It be all a matter of high density astro-physics . . . ……
A once bright and shining star in the galaxy of *Keep-Youreyeon-Erarse* of some CHARM is now in terminal decline and is no longer NICE, in fact it holds no ENCHANTMENT whatsoever for any of . . . ……
The key to the subject is in the name BLACKPOOL . . . . ……
So, read on, Dear Reader, read on at your own risk . . . ………………
It is the coming end result of a black hole collapse which is pre-disposed to suck in all passing space debris without discernment and retain those of the lowest vibrations found
[Known as GLU-ONS by the native Fyldler particles (See Page 7 below also)]
exclusively then returning the mangled rejects of depleted higher particles [some of once noble origin] now turned into dark-matter to the greater void
[aka Shat-out totally spaced *]
The Hole is now approaching critical mass and
you can expect an increasing amount of crap to be captured from it’s natural catchment area
(the local benign host known as Asteroid UK1066/1397/1707/1800/1923)
as its event horizon expands.
Unfortunately even when within the vortex and attached to the central core
[see Appendices]
individual particles of the MACHO genre have been known to escape
[probability factor current: 238:1 against]
however as the central gravity inexorably increases that unfortunate spillage will decrease and they will be degraded and sucked back in as
the overall increase of scum gain accelerates
[as Prof Rutherford used to say]
We are presently nearing an underlying plateau turn point critical where the corresponding decrease in available orbits for WIMP particles outside reaches less than demand
[They need at least one other to whiz around – this is known as a binary turd cluster]
This stage of decline is known as the ‘Fuck-It Point’
or to give it its full title:
‘Fuck-It I Might As Well Go And Live There As All Me Mates Do’
As expounded by Dr A Doley in his seminal paper
‘Who’s Wiped Their Dick On Me Liverpool Echo ?’
[Writ at Jesus (H). Oxf -Hilary 1923- Orig to Bodleian]
‘A work which still stands today as a millstone of analytical thinking and clarity of vision – An example to us all’
Bohr N.
The Analysis of Crap
1952 : Huntley & Palmer ISBN 1812:1914-18:1939-45 etc – 17/3d from Blackwells
(Soup Kitchen)
>Cash or PO’s only. No Cheques, Green Shield Stamps, Luncheon Vouchers or Embassy Coupons<
To The Phenomena:
The central pot, as a giant shit-hole nucleus is known, will then collapse in on itself having become more dense than the sum of its farts.
No outpouring of energy whatsoever is then expected as all will have been expended feeding the slot machines.
Historically Albert Einstein first postulated all the above thus so far from a remote observation balloon tethered to a passing IoM ferry
What he saw immediately and firmly decided him against closer inspection and caused him to shout down to Boson Higgs to turn The Ellan Vannin away at full steam and run for home.
(AEi) then declared the whole subject should be quarantined indefinitely
after which he took to his bed for three months with his teddy,
a new TeasMade + 4lbs of Harrods No: 14
+ a large supply of laudanum and 150 back copies of Punch
asking not to be disturbed ’till next Candlemass.
The above was characterised by Sigmund Freud, (the anal), as one outcome possible of a classic ‘Fight or Flight’ reaction
(known commonly as ‘The FF’ reaction in kidological circles)
with a retroactive displacement activity outcome –
further examples of the same are much noted below.
All others experiencing the phenomena have named it as The FFFFI:
Fucking big Fright, Fuck-off quick + Forget it – If you can
The most likely final end outcome is that the compressed nucleus will manifest itself as a small Brown Dwarf which will hang around The Tower Lounge forever trying to
sell The Big Issue and dubious substances various
to an infinite stream of one dimensional points [aka no-hopers].
Once this is achieved it becomes what is known as a singularity which is very comforting as you know there is only one turd left to deal with albeit of extreme density.
The major concern for todays theoretical thinkers as this end stage is approached is that the hole might collapse in on itself so fast that it self-seals its portals
[Blackpool North + The M55] prior to engulfing all the local sector shite.
With this in mind God created Rhyl.
* aka [for our colonial readers] ‘The Big Dipper’ *
A spiral gravity ride – 4d during season / 3d off
Use mats provided. NO coats. x1 passenger ONLY/mat .
God Save The Queen
DrXXVII Page 1
NOTES:
ref Page 1:
* One particularly depleted particle was once offered to The Ashmolean for exhibition
however they declined acceptance taking the view that The Poofters in Cambridge should take the risk of contamination from the residual radiation still emitting
+ it might just straighten them out.
Cambridge deferred also.
The very few escaping undamaged particles of noble origin
[Known as ‘The Straights’ to The Holes inhabitants usual]
that have managed to leave the vortex do so via a peculiar star gate known as
‘The Hall of Mirrors’
wherein the distortion of reality following two port & lemons and a small sherry
is a generally accepted price to pay to reach escape velocity ejection from The Hole
Those who pass through this portal
[known to the escapees as ‘The Stargate’ but more accurately noted as a wormhole]
escaping from the grip of The Hole and coming out the other side experience a return to normality to find people dressed in normal clothes
and behaving in a sedate and polite manner.
They attain this more or less intact albeit but with energy so depleted that they cannot rise to a higher level so often park themselves in an adjacent safe orbit bonded to,
but separate from The Hole.
This local safe haven is a sanctuary – a null point of no event known as
Royal Lytham St Annes
[Sector motto: Emptor Prole Emptor]
Post Script Foot Note:
There, in the dead calm of St Annes with total lack of any turbulence,
the incomers all seem to transmute into a relatively null entity known as
an Alice Particle, and buy a bungalow.
It has been postulated that The Gaia Hypothesis would have seen the light of day much earlier but for The Hole;
James Lovelock just couldn’t accede to any notion that life could ever exist there.
At first ignoring the phenomena in his work hoping that his data might be at fault
he has since issued a paper of correction stating it was a unique anomaly
and is the only known deviation from principle.
DrXXVII Page 2
Ye Appendices
A total certainty paradox exists within The Hole:
An aberration in the form of a multi-dimensional planet remains within the vortex much battered but overall inured
to the affects of incoming cosmic radiation and the tendency of The Poonter particles
[see below] to attempt to rip The Hole to bits and reduce it to a level of total entropy.
They, The Poonters
[a group of particles which are of almost uniform strangeness (see exceptions below)]
of total anathema to their observers, ‘The Straights’, do succeed in parts and an illustration of this can be seen on the outer event fringes of The Hole proper at a scene of total decay – The Norbreck Castle
The central point depredations are usually masked over immediately after occurrence with a weird covering of what is known as ‘TAT’ *
Unfortunately this then attracts more of the destructive Poonter particles and the downward spiral of degradation continues.
Depredations are particularly acute during particular and regular time of the holes year, one of which is known as ‘Scotch Fortnight’ when a storm of ginger coloured particles descend en-masse into The Hole.
After firstly ascending into a higher plane by means of the continuous (ie 25/7) consumption of alcohol, they then proceed to wreck all that is found around and themselves in a downward spiral of self-destruction.
At the end of the bombardment surprisingly there are survivors.
They all issue the same uniform following standard statement usual on leaving:
‘Werr a bonny wee break ye ken ?’
For detailed analysis of the properties of Poonter particles : See pages 5-7 incl
* See Unified Field Theory below also
The aberration is further complicated by The Fyldler particles **
The effects of The Poonters above is both counteracted and aided by Fyldler particles
After much examination of the evidence and long and careful deliberation this was termed by Le Grande Academie Scientifique of Paris, Rome and Geneva as:
‘Fucking bonkers but at least we know were all the twats are’
See Page 5 also
DrXXVII Page 3
Ye Appendices contd
The Fyldlers:
The Holes core proper is mostly unseen to any direct observation and remains spinning on its own axis invisible to all attempts to observe it in the minutiae.
‘Just give me time and I’ll sort it – right ?’
Fermé
What is known from observations of emissions from this totally closed world is the indigenous inhabitants on this, their own planet, are known as ‘The Fyldlers’
The Fyldlers are invisible to casual observation and are seldom recognised as they blend to the background and are totally lacking in CHARM but can be seen on close specific examination of site.
They are a peculiar life form apparently magnetic, not of universal attractant, but specifically focused on separating The Poonters from their money and indeed so focussed and concentrated are they that the said operation appears to be the total raison détre for The Fyldlers existence.
It is observed that the force is so strong and independent that it is probably the sole reason that the planet keeps spinning on its own axis and does not become enmeshed and ripped apart by the general destructive forces of the vortex.
‘Can be quite hair-raising at times’
R J Van De Graf
The Fylders cultural development and advance was stultified some time ago by what they witnessed [their experience of The Poonters]
and their cultural evolution has been stymied ever since.
It can be marked at slightly in front of Neanderthal and a long way behind their doppelgangers of Peel.
‘Total rip-off bastards
They’ll have the shirt off your back and sell it you back if given chance
I’m gerin wom before they have me over again
That fucking butler was seeing fuck-all’
Mike Faraday (ret’d)
It is noted that The Fyldlers activity levels appear to alter in a surprising parallel with earth seasons and their activity ebbs and flows in direct conjunction with them as can be gleaned from their emissions.
Back-working from those emissions some activity is always to be found no matter what time of year one makes observation.
For instance they can be seen escaping the gravitational pull of the central point of density, [aka The Pot / aka The Golden Mile], and undertaking inter-dimensional transition; the mass migration by flight in January when their feed energy stream
[see below] is at its lowest.
The phenomena is known by their playful call of ‘Seeyoosinbenidorm’
Once away from The Hole they keep in constant contact with the Fyldlers remaining
in The Hole by means of what is known as a ‘moby’
The intercepted transmissions are a repeating stream of:
‘Ows-me-slots-doin?
Arv-found-sum-reet-cheap-burgers-ere
There’s-an-albanian-tart-ere-oo’ll-strip-twice-nightly-fer-er-rent’
This is the best evidence for string theory known to date.
On return to The Hole in late Feb/early March their doleful calls of
‘Arvgorafuckindose and Armfuckinbrokeiarm’
can be heard from 2 light years away.
‘Why bother with the theory, they’re in total chaos anyway ?’
Phil O’Sophical *
The Fyldlers most active time on planet is between June and August when exited by the incoming streams of Poonter particles which then are at their height they, The Fyldlers, being of a musicale bent, all form-up as one in an unheavenly choir and take opportunity to welcome and accompany the influx by a totally harmonious, uniform and continuous, tasteful renditions of their perpetual favourite:
‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’
on their favourite instrument:
The Jewish Piano.
This is the ultimate exposition and proof of The Unified Field Theory.
[*Irish T(h)inker of Renown]
DrXXVII Page 4
Ye Appendices contd
The Poonters:
They are divided into subgroups all of low level orbital capacity and all resolutely of a negative disposition despite Richard Deracks attempts to reconcile them to other:
‘Everything has it’s ups and downs – Pull yourself together – It isn’t all black’ etc
Poonters Barry On + his cousin Kay decided this only confused them an continued to watch the Klingons on the sat-nav whilst their driver Dar-en wandered confused around Ormskirk one-way system on their way to The Hole.
‘What ? Keep them out ?
Fuck principles, I’m taking the easy way out and just excluding me fucking self – sharpish’
Pauli W.
To return to the particle mass:
The most common of them is the large [*most size 18 / >] -ve particles
+ their counterparts which are paradoxically
[** or not as Schrödinger would say ]
– – ve who arrive via various means of carrier wave
[still the most common known is the ‘chara’]
The accompanying – – ve particles are known by the scientific name of ‘Oosulookinats’ and belong to the Macho genus
The – – ve particles are generally aggressive in nature this leading to self destructive short 1/2 life for many once they enter inner vortices known as The Manchester Arms and The Blob Shop where they become susceptible to the affects of red-shift
[at closing time when other – – ve particles stab them]
One wag in The Lovell Lab wittily named one individual particle after their common emission signature ‘Les Gerrabevvi’
Collectively they [* and the other sub + super particles noted below] are all known as ‘The Poonters’
and it from these that The Fyldlers derive their feed energy.
At the beginning of September the incoming stream starts to decline;
shortly to then increase sharply in late September when a phenomena known as
‘The Northern Lights’ or to give its full scientific name:
The ‘SinItAllBefore-Ay-or-arr-ee-boors-me-arse-off’ appears as if by magic
This expands the attractant horizon and has been known to ‘Pull in The Poonters’ from far outside the local sector even from as far away as the intergalactic wastes
beyond Stalybridge.
‘Certainly makes you want to focus on Uranus
I think I’ll concentrate on adjusting my instrument more – to Titan’
Bill Herschel
‘Yea God moves in mysterious ways’ ***
God
‘Yer can fucking count on it’ ***
Charles Babbage
** ‘Perhaps / On the other hand / Where’s the cat ? / Oooo I don’t know do I ? / Ooosulookin at ? / Yer as thick as a Planck you are’
‘Just wave at every fucker and they’ll think it’s a holiday – etc’
Schrödinger E.
‘It’s very colourful but out of my dimension, I’m going in house for a coffee’
Maxwell J.
DrXXVII Page 5
Ye Appendices contd
SUB NOTES:
ref The Poonters:
* In many instances the – ve particles experience an inner loop pairing with the smallest particle known:
The 00 size quark [The Shar-on (See also like pair coupling below ref Anna Rexia)]
which acts as the main attractant to the – – ve particles.
[The attraction appears to be totally inversely proportional to the 00’s mass when the actracted are in std sol
ie Until > ~22.00hrs, when after, all the –ve particles are dissolved in pure alcohol and are attracted to anything with a pulse]
This above is seen when they display to each other in a strange behavioural phenomena known as ‘going-out’, or more as it is more fully called:
‘Going Out On The Gravitational Pull Looking For The Big Bang’
Note to Researchers:
Examine the phenomena at opportunity earliest
None of the particles involved ever seem to know what state they’ve got themselves in much after 22.30hrs and, as/ above, exhibit a tendency to gravitate to the nearest gas giant.
The 00 is capable of slipping through the finest diffraction grating known
[the turnstile at the Old Trafford ladies toilets]
and has an extremely high frequency emission signature known as ‘The Ayyyy-Our-Tracy’
The Ay-Tracy is a peculiar in so much as it has no Doppler effect –
it matters not from where it is emitted or received nor the relative velocities of observer and emitter the reception is the same.
ie It is constant over distance.
In fact the consistency of the high frequency whine is such that all atomic clocks are now calibrated against it.
The order in which the – ve particle [the larger] and the 00 quark [the smaller]
spin round each other in the inner loop is still in debate as the -ve particle is always referred to as ‘The Tug’ by the –ve particles.
None seem to possess that elusive strange beauty much sort by researchers.
At the extreme end of even the Poonter scale of turpitude and, for want of word better, lard,
there is one their genré so well known one amongst the other Poonter particles
that with whom any contact is deemed even too risky for the most macho of the Macho particles:
Bren Lloyd – The Universal Carrier.
In Summary Immediate:
‘When you’re out with the lads it doesn’t matter what you pull:
-ve or a 00, they’re all a fucking certainty –
totally without principle the fucking lot of them.
The never failing proof of a Big Bang.’
W K Heisenberg.
Further:
The most strange of all are ‘The Me-shell’ + ‘The Kar-en’
The comments of one the first demonstrators to view them are here enclosed with no reservation:
‘They’re usually totally off-it before they see The Tower’
Don’t bring samples of them into me lab, they make me hair fall out.’
Currie M (Mrs)
Prestatyn.
DrXXVII Page 6
Ye Appendices contd
SUB NOTES:
ref The Poonters contd:
* Occasionally The Poonter particles above are accompanied by two others of the same family but of much differing mass:
An extremely large one which when found is seen to be of the most grotesque proportions,
far bigger even than the usual -ve’s
This is the fabled Auntie Matter who as predicated accounts for the unseen 90% of the universal mass.
The reason Auntie Matter* has not been detected previously is that it is usually shrouded by a protective envelope
known as ‘Buckingham Bingo’ from which it seldom emerges.
Once exposed it can easily detected by all sensors including radionic + visual (as/above) but even more easily by sonic + olfactory.
[Easily detected by the use of a Gas Board std emissions meter –
Goes straight off the scale and shouts ! SQUIDS SQUIDS SQUIDS !]
The second is another extreme particle in this case at the other end of the scale –
even thinner in section than the std 00 and existing in a state of constant instability.
Its instability is manifest in its habit of consistently oscillating between total torpor and extreme high vibrational frequency without warning.
The item is the much sought Auntie Grav who when in the latter state is said to be ‘Floating on the ceiling again’
This is due to Auntie Grav’s staple energy intake –
large quantities of librium and prozac + No 6 and Nescafé
‘Worries me to death she does – I do wish she’d stick to the gin’
Di Azzipan
‘I’m sure she’s losing even more mass’
Anna Rexia
‘Not the speed she travels at’
Einstein
‘At least we know where she is now’
Heinzenburg
‘She woz alright until she went to Club Med with our Mira’
Lora Zepam
‘It were when she started going with that Benny Peridal it all started’
Lucy Promine
[Total tranny – Real name Neil]
‘Calm down luv and have one these’
Val Eum
‘I reported it all to Claims Direct’
Dee Pression
‘I don’t know where she gets the money from’
M. E. O’Cean-Finance
‘She ponces it off me’
Auntie Dee. (neé Pressed)
‘We just can’t think of a last word to add’
Lora Zepam
Mira Zapine
Foot Note:
* The Planets foremost research lab Fynne Fyldler GmBH has long kept a much focussed watch on The Auntie Matter particle.
Although there always have been the odd one (ie AM’s) who stays on after impact on Planet, the vast majority have rebound properties beyond the Poonter particle usual
which causes almost all the AM’s to return to their normal orbital state off Planet.
This is well known to be due to ‘The Auntie Fanny Distant Pairing Phenomena’
which usually limits the average AM’s time out of home orbital and causes them to return at the end of one day on Planet.
The reason for this appears to be an energy exchange which manifests itself as the returning AM disgorging to another paired particle:
The Aunty Fanny quark, a once excited beauty who even got caught-out with a Neutrino wearing nothing but her red shift,
(+ Oft the same to another common paired particle The ‘Our Kid’
close-coupled nons fuoton) what is supposed to have happened in the short interim time since the last time they closed together and the energy exchange usual of the pairing came about when they disgorged and exchanged their last respective lists of
outright fantasies, gross exadurations, total distortions and pure lies of imaginary events of the interim since coupling last.
This is a chain reaction between the two normally started by the inbuilt primer catalyst of the phrase:
‘Der yer know wot Chartreuse said ter Slaggete’
In light of this there is much concern on Planet as to if The Auntie Matters will transact into GLUE-ONS en-masse by bringing their respective pair particles with them thus negating the need to rebound to home orbital.
‘An Armageddon scenario beyond comprehension’
Fydler Lab Prof Emeritus : Dr Wayne Rooney.
‘If it comes off – Don’t fuckin count on me to shut the door’
Fermé
DrXXVII Page 7
Ye Appendices contd
SUB NOTES:
ref The Poonters contd:
The above surge in strength from time to time and are likely to show periods of frantic activity on occasion –
Usually when they are the state of being nearly able to climb the energy plateau to the next higher orbit.
This occurs when they experience the phenomena of what is known as:
‘Having one number to go’
Post ascent/ or not to a higher orbit they then have to seek balance by enjoining with the calming and levelling influence of a very small white dwarf known as Auntie Acid.
The affects on all who encounter them are profound and many Straights have been known to make a spontaneous emission of their own * on sight of The Poonters.
This usually means chucking-up in the nearest gutter which curiously then to seems to amour them to The Poonters when they witness it.
Les Gerrabevvi once remarked:
‘Some Straights almost seem like normal at times’
Then finishing with his sobriquet usual:
‘Does me ‘ed in it does’
Translation:
They occasionally exhibit a degree of strangeness v/v behaviour usual such that I cannot cope with.
(* Curiously this effect is not seen in The WIMPS)
DrXXVII Page 8
Ye Appendices contd
Ye Affecting Factors (min max):
The Hole is especially susceptible to extreme temperature fluctuations running directly in parallel with
The Planet Earth winter months being directly situate next to a chilling fluid mass known technically as The Irish Sea, but more usually named by all observers as ‘The Stink’
[The mass is in fact not quite ‘at absolute zero’, as The Fyldlers would have it,
but is kept a little above there by the lucky natural addition of a local common genre of floating creatures known as ‘Mersey + Ribble Trout’]
(See Dark Matter)
Ye Effects of Ye Affects:
In January + February the remaining Fyldler particles within The Hole who have not joined the migrating flock have been known to utter the traditional emissions of
‘Arm fuckin starvin ar fuckin arm’
Alleviating this a natural phenomena of spontaneously combusting fire balls used to take place regularly providing heat to the poor wandering souls
The source of this saving grace has been traced to the electrical wiring in peculiar meteors known as TVR’s however as the TVR parent comet is now leaving their galactic sector it is not known what is to become of The Fyldlers in winter.
No matter how hard they prayed to their Patron Saint – Morphine of San A’togen
nothing happened until the main local deity both worshipped and abhorred in equal measure by all the Fyldler population.
‘The Corpy’ might have sent a replacement for their welfare –
This is known as ‘The Self Igniting Cheapo Tram’
‘Yea, God moves in mysterious ways’
God.
Remote Sensing and Observational Experiments:
When the then newly launched Hubble Bubble Telescope turned towards The Hole,
(still a puzzle as to why done as not instructed to do so by ground control –
thought it did it out of curiosity),
it blew a fuse and has since refused to point anywhere near the sector.
The proposed new Herschel Instrument is to be gyroscopically stabilised to avoid the view and shielded
(with a 4 brick thick wall, 3′ of Pb and a double wrapping of Bacofoil)
What would normally be considered as ‘light pollution’ by most astronomers is in this case particular deemed a blessing by all.
‘I know we’re not usually interested in the visible spectrum here,
but at least you can see where the fucking place is and avoid it’
Dave Lovell.
Red Lion,
Jodrell Bank.
H&S:
When doing a close inspection of the centre of the hole, one site directly opposite
The Blob shop is to be avoided.
This is the home of the local fully depleted WIMP particles who have been seriously bent by gravity and have developed a definite LH spin + their visiting -ve counterparts
The AXIONS, who are definitely not Inter-Stella
There is said to be a small cottage industry being carried out to rear of the premises but this has never been confirmed as all close ranks [around the local police]
Also there is usually the odd Neutralino hanging about but nobody takes any notice of them.
See Also:
‘Hawking’s Dilemma’ below
DrXXVII Page 9
Ye Appendices contd
Historical and Hysterical Philosophical Perspectives and Critiques:
Prior to Einstein’s defining moment, many from the Fine Arts and Philosophical worlds have stumbled on and down The Hole; mainly during their tours; which turned out to be not so grand after all.
A few of their comments are included below:
‘Look away – It just fucking transcends everything’
Georg Willhelm Friedrich Hegal
‘Yup – You’ve sussed it
Where else do you think I could have found Faust ?’
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
‘Any cunt would pine for home after seeing that’
Novalis
‘The Fucking Robbers – Totally soulless’
Friedrich von Schiller
‘There’s no fucking rhyme nor reason to it’
Immanuel Kant
‘I went for a dirty weekend – So much for fucking romance’
Friedrich von Schlegel
‘No comment. I CAN’T DESCIBE IT – It’s all just beyond words’
Liechtenstein Heinz
[Prelude to, and raisonne detré of the treatise ‘Lost In Language’
‘Well I’m just fuckin lost now’
(HLi)
‘Wants wiping off the landscape – Just paint over the fucker and forget it’
Roy Lichtenstein
‘Predict fucking what ?
Don’t blame us – All’s we’ve got is this fucking Pirelli calendar to go by
Piss-off and see Nozi – He thinks he’s the kiddy’
May&Ann
‘Just looses me’
Mat Rix
‘I’d sooner stick to me stamp collection’
Rutherford
‘I think I’ve got to stop thinking’
René Des-Cartes
‘Of all the things I remember saying:
1) All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.
2) The world would be happier if
men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak.
3) If you want the present to be different to the past; study the past.
I’m wrapping and observing No 2.’
Baruch Spinoza
(1632–1677)
DrXXVII Page 10
Ye Appendices contd
Historical and Hysterical Philosophical Perspectives and Critiques (contd):
‘Upanishads to you all’
Buddha.
‘Big Wheel prayer wheel ?
You’ll need a far fucking bigger one than that to do you lot any good’
Dalai Lama.
‘Preferably stay at wom –
If yer gotta wander yer far better-off following yonder Stella Artois’
Christ J.
‘How simple shite can be so confoundedly compound is beyond me’
Baz Antyne.
‘Did I say – ‘Wot doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ ?
I left out the bit about living death’
Nietzsche.
‘Well yes, but no, but yes, but no . . . .
’
Heisenberg, (again)
DrXXVII Page 11
Ye Appendices contd
Historical and Hysterical Philosophical Perspectives and Critiques (contd):
Much has been done down the years to lift The Holes cultural image here is some of the outcome (just about the only bits printable):
In an attempt to increase the cultural awareness of the inhabitants, The Corpy once did invite the then worlds finest tenor Enrico Caruso to perform a free concert for all at The Tower Ballroom.
Unfortunately Caruso mistook The Hall of Mirrors for the stage door entrance and wandered into the stargate.
He came out with his little ukele in his hand and a stick of rock in a most suggestive situation.
After that the metamorphosed Enrico played The Tower Theatre most regularly
in an outstanding effort to bring the inhabitants to a higher plane,
but the effect on them after much critical review and consideration was adjudged
by The Times Arts Correspondent as
‘Absolutely fuck-all’
‘I don’t feel safe – Just don’t let that twat south of Leek’
Albert Hall.
The BBC Wireless Service Third Programme declined the broadcasting rights saying they
couldn’t find enough petrol coupons for the outside broadcast car and they were worried about interference.’ (Quite from what they declined to say)
Their successful tour of Orkney shortly after was almost interrupted by a very rude torpedo from U-123.
Further from the BBC:
The well known Home Service panel game ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue’
had it’s first trial pilot show at the Tower Theatre
with the leading men of letters and high wits of the day on the competing teams of intellectual genius.
The title for the show then was ‘I Make No Apologies, I Know Everything’
It was changed 3 minutes into proceedings as the contestants exhibited flash Alzheimers, delirium tremors and acute displacement behaviour; so much so that it took Colin Sell playing outside the front door to drive them back onto the stage podium.
Sadly that show was never finished, in fact in fact it never got beyond the interval,
as the invited audience from the crème of local society were puzzled
by more than a dozen words being strung together at a time,
(if money wasn’t directly involved),
and left en-masse saying they were:
‘Gerrin wom fert wotch match on’t telly’
‘It just isn’t the place for beach parties,
this is much more pleasant and you’re far safer here’
Capt H Lyttleton.
Grenadiers
The Bandstand
Via D-Day Dodging
Much-under-Fire
Salerno.
September 1943
‘Stick to Rhyl’
Mrs Trellis.
DrXXVII Page 12
Ye Appendices contd
Historical and Hysterical Philosophical Perspectives and Critiques (contd):
Of Ancient Past:
Following the indiscreet disclosure of very secret local folk-lore by The Mayor when pissed one Lodge Night, researchers have found the earliest known record of extraterrestrials visitations to the sector who left record of their stay in a deep, dark, dank, local cave (Rumours Club).
That priceless record is a small wall painting,
now carbon dated to at least 15000 years old, and pre-dating (just), Ester Rantzen.
Thought to be proof of the first alien landings on the planet,
it is the image of the rear of a bending small grey with his pants down
The very faint hieroglyphic markings underneath have been translated as:
‘F-U Jack – We’re offski’
‘Just seen it
We were all off to church to pray like fuck, but on second thoughts . . .
This is why the fuckers won’t invade properly
For Christ’s sake keep it as it is.’
Project Camelot.
In conclusion to this aspect of The Hole:
Suffice it to say, there has been no recollection by any of The Hole’s inhabitants
of any further visitations since.
‘Wigan Pier fer me agen this year – I’m staying at wom in me crypt where I’m safe’
Del Quar.
DrXXVII Page 13
Ye Appendices contd
Historical and Hysterical Philosophical Perspectives and Critiques (contd):
In a more positive light recent history has shown that The Hole is not without its beneficial affects:
During a little bit of unpleasantness during the Earth years 19391945 AD
which affected the adjacent host to some little extent,
The Hole did in fact ‘do its bit’ and played its part in proceedings.
Preceding The Proceedings as it were, Herr Hitler fluge close to The Hole one spring afternoon in 1937 (PM Wed 05-05-37 to be precis und richtig) in der Hindenburg
when attempting to make docking at the then new Blackpool Flughafen;
there anticipating taking on fuel there and a pleasant overnights stay at
Mrs Daphné (with a é) Scums Guest House for Select Gentle Folk,
prior to making his 1st trip to South America.
The ship, when coming close, itself adopted an automatic pilot mode and near buckling its airframe swerved away, not however, before dear Adolf had got a good look that causing him to go into deep philosophical discussions with
Albert Speer and The Thule Society unt Dei Mitford Swesters,
What they decided on after kaf und kuchen was that The Hole* was the natural antipode of Switzerland, that giving to the Third Reich an immediate antipathy which should give/serve as antecedence to any adventure too far reaching and was to be left as is to be left as is as a shining example to the rest of the universe.
ie After all someone had to set the price of sheiss *
‘I wondered why The Scousers laughed at me when I said I wanted to go north of Southport
Fuck-it, I’ll invade Russia instead’
(AHi)
To proceed with The Proceedings:
It was (quite rightly as it turned out but with the wrong reasoning) by the adjacent host territories Intelligence Services detecting apparatus, (front page of The Thunderer), who surmised, without knowledge of the above decision by (AHi), that the beach front to The Hole would be the last place that The Nastis would ever attempt a landing.
With that precept, absolutely no defences whatsoever were erected as it was reasoned that no nice German SS boys,
all brought up on Goethe, Wagner, Strauss,
( und Mahler – shhhhhhh).
{!Achtung!
Sagen sie nicht mit Der Fuhrer, nicht erlich gesagt.
Das ist unter uns gesagt !
etc}
and as they were, would ever want to walk on that and claim it as lebensraum for the establishment of his new heimmat.
Further:
Any glimpse of the –ve particles would have had them running screaming back home
to the first Rhein-madchen available.
So much so were the hostilities not catered for, that a very large budget saving was made which paid for:
12 squadrons of Spitfires,
1/2 doz Lancasters, assorted, Harris for the use of,
18 Tins of Dried Egg,
2 Liberty Ships full of Prem,
3 Stirrup Pumps,
36 Flimsies of Petrol (sealed – no paraffin added)
2 Spigot Mortars, and a Bakelite Smith Gun.
Not all was sweetness and light and a few of the more negative aspects of the time were:
It is not widely known that The Tower was designated as a long wave far distance radio mast for
‘Top Secret Comms to The Empire and Occupied Territories’
but was abandoned when The Fyldler in charge of the lift lost the key
When an Ultra team investigated they became so disheartened they jacked after half an hour,
sold the brand to a washing-up liquid company and went on the piss in Bootle
(They haven’t been heard of since)
Further:
By some quirk of a short-sighted Quarter Master at Central Provisioning Stores:
The Local Home Guard Detachment (totally)
were one of the few that were issued with not only a bren gun but a universal carrier knick-named same.
So taken were the brave volunteers initially with their new kit that initially they refused to take it out,
(‘In case a tram bumped it’),
but when they heard that the Southport contingent had got a DUKW to play with they immediately reversed stance
and took it out off the beach ‘For a bit of a paddle’ with two 40 gall oil drums strapped to each side.
Unfortunately after the fourth trip it sank at sea which really pissed them off no end as by then they were getting 1/6d a head for trips round the North Pier from the more pissed-up Poonters
[‘No standing and if you’re going to chuck, do it over the side’ – etc]
‘I know about It, I just don’t want to see It’
Pass the brandy’
Churchill W.
Der Bunker
Much-under-Ground
Pal Mall
April
1940
DrXXVII Page 14
Ye Appendices contd
Historical and Hysterical Philosophical Perspectives and Critiques (contd):
To return to the scientific world:
In closing it is only fitting to mention the most recent opinions on The Hole however they are very thin on the ground most modern day researchers having steered well away from the subject taking (AEi)’s advice to the full
One exception in recent times was Prof Stephen Hawkings, the 19 stone 6’1″ 1sts Prop Half, who once visited The Hole
against the better advice of history and his don taking the view then, that nothing of the theoretical can be on a par to witness the practical.
On a short field trip he stayed overnight at Mrs Daphné (with a é) Scums Guest House
for
Select Gentle Folk
[Free use of cruet.
Toilet paper extra.
Bring own towel.
NO Irish / Scottish / coloureds / children / ferrets.
Door locked 10.00PM SHARP.
No keys.
Pay-up on arrival.
Shut Sunday]
[Pekinese not in season welcome]
He appeared somewhat affected by the experience and remains resolutely silent on the matter to this day *
His paper ‘A Brief History of Shite’ was never published
* Hawkings’ Dilemma:
Since then he has confined himself to barracks pondering the remote possibility
that he might just have slipped on some dog poo and banged his head
Others have also briefly considered the topic as a potential arena but most have adopted the same line as (WHe) here:
‘Give it to someone else – I’d sooner look up Uranus’
Bill Herschel
Fred Hoyle, when approached for comment, told us:
‘It was all unnatural + totally beyond any frontier he wanted to know about
and best bet was to get on our bikes and cycle like fuck if we came anywhere near it
It’ll turn you into a dinosaur and fossilise you sure as a feather’
Finally:
A brief tale which serves as a summary ending to the many facets of the observers from all fields
from A Man of The Arts:
Surprisingly coming from a totally disparate discipline to the scientific as he did
it only took George Orwell just one short casual oblique look from a penny-in-the-slot telescope at Cleveleys
to come to the same conclusion as all the others –
He swiftly fled to a life of luxury retirement in a tripe shop in Wigan refusing further interview and commission
It was subsequently rumoured by locals there that:
‘Eee, E never walked reet agen’
having had an aspidistra lodged fast in a most peculiar situation for some time after his swift exit to safety of and a life of relative luxury in a tripe shop in Wigan.
DrXXVII Page 15
YE HOLE
SUMMARY:
Errrrr
CONCLUSION:
Bugger-all.
Old : The Ed. BA [Calcutta & John Moores – falied]
Emeritus Prof & Shit House Cleaner, Oxford (motorway services)
The Hovel
Somewhere-in England.
In Absurdum Absurdum Sans Reductio
In Continuum Ad Infinitum Ad Nauseum
SUB NOTES:
I’m fucking worried
Was the Rhyl construction a shit-hole too far ?
Will we manage to get the loose remnants into it in time or will they escape to Talacre or onto Pensarne ?
If so, is there enough TAT available in The Universe to hold them in there ?
All this an me Giro’s late agen an the Socsh is only tekkin 0845 calls
Does me head in it does
Me brains bubbling – THAT’S IT – Fuck-It, I’m off on the piss with me mate Bacchus.
Big G.
THIS : The Gt Work : DRAFT XXVII
@ 2013-June : Page Total Wordage : 6954
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And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.
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