ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap
ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater
If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meet The Team
First, a word or two for your guidances:
You cannot hope to bribe, divert, or twist,
The Greater British Journalist,
However, observing what the man will natural do,
There can be no reason for attempting to.
(And the pig got up and slowly walked away. G. Odd)
ODA : YE CAST : THE TEAM:
IN-HOUSE EDITORIAL OFFICE:
EDITOR IN CHIEF:
Old :
SUB (std) ED:
Ken Afka
COORDINATING EDITOR:
Dis Parrot.
PROOF REEDER:
P. Dantic.
GALLEY SLAVES:
S. Etting-Rule + Em&En + Kern Al Bogie
EDITORIAL OFFICE HEAD GEL:
Germelina Mousetrap (Dame)
INTERN & GEN SLAVE:
N. O. More-Anal-Please (Miss)
SALES:
S. Piv
(Anything you want. Can I have
your time, date and place of birth, mothers maiden name, bank details, credit card details, three sample signatures, Medical Card, Driving Licence, Passport, blood sample, lock of hair and a thumb print + open letter of authorisation,
for security please ?)
MARKETING:
Dr P. P. P. P. Pie-Chart
ACQUISITIONS:
S. C. Rote (Head of Dept)
Carl Boot (Sale Office)
S. Hop-Lifter
Consultants:
Eye-It, Grabbit & Runne. (Ta for them Ian)
ADS:
GENERAL:
Tracy (There’s always one – It’s compulsory)
SMALL:
B. Ox-No
FULL PAGE SPREADS:
Katy Price
ACCOUNTS:
Abi Cus
Cal Culator
S. P. Read-Sheet
Ann Alysis
R. E. Conciliation
PROGRESS CHASER:
Ann Dante
GENERAL RUNNER/ MESSENGER:
Mo Ped
RECEPTION:
Chantelle Piercings (Miss)
OUR NICE CUSTOMER SERVICES PERSONS:
(Let’s talk about this. Would you like a coffee ?)
Will U. F. Uck-Off (IC of Dept)
Luke A.T. Mypiechart
Chris T. Notanother-Attentionseeker
IT:
HEAD OF FUCK-UPS:
Mike Rosoft
DEPUTY HEAD OF FUCK-UPS:
Mack Apple
PROGRAMMERS:
Dot Zero
J. A. Va
Al Gorithm
DESKTOP MANAGER:
Kay Board
LAPTOP TECHNICIANS:
Len Ovo
A. Sus
GEN HARDWARE TECHNICIANS:
Head of Section: Mother Board
Sol Dring-Iron
Bus Bar
USER SERVICE TECHNICIANS & HELP DESK:
Don T. Botherme
INTERN & GEN SLAVE:
Ann Droid (3.2V)
ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING BUT NOBODY TAKES ANY NOTICE OF:
U. Nix (1969)
LADY TRYING TO SORT-OUT A WORLD MADE BY BLOKES:
Lynn Ux
HARDLY REQUIRED:
T. O’Tal-Control
Manni Pulative.
W. P. C. Under-Cover (Dyke),
R. E. Cording-Handbag
H. & S. W. Anker,
G. Reasy.
S. H. Itscared. BA hons (*3rd. School of Shirking, Faculty of Fuckall, Jesus H. 1970)
QUALITY CONTROL:
Dell Monty
Clip Board
D. Ata
S. Tatistics
Con Trollimits
S. I. X. Sigma
TRAINING:
D. Rillem
S. Pankem
Doit Again-Till-You-Getitright
Visiting Consultant: Perry Patetic
HOUSE:
CHATELAINE:
Our M.
HOUSEKEEPER:
Pru Dent
TEA LADIES:
Mrs Doyle
P. G. Tips
Sam O’Var
DINNER LADIES:
Marie Baine
Bo Lynn The-Bag
Sue Chef
BARISTERS:
F. Rothy
Cap O’Chino
CHOCOLATEUR:
Toby Le-Rone
SCULLERY MAID:
Pam Scrubber
GENERAL CLEANER:
Dee Tergent
SHIT HOUSE ATTENDANT:
Lou Roll
CARETAKERS:
Walter Smarties
Andy Mann
CHAUFFEUR:
S. Bend
GARDENER:
Mo Fly
FIRST AIDER:
Ade Edmondson
SECURITY:
Ivor Power-Complex
Bren Gun
PADRE:
Lucy Winkett { If we’re lucky : We’d all really like to see that 😉 }
THE IN-HOUSE COLUMNISTS GENERAL:
HOME & AWAY:
Luke Ing-Glass
CROSSWORD:
Anna Gram
S. Evenup
S. I. X. A’Cross
FASHION:
Holy Socks
OBITUARIES:
U. Logie
5th:
S. Leeper
P.L. Ant
U. N. der Ground
Bill De Burg
LADIES:
OPEN POSITION
GENTLEMEN:
N. O. Comment (recently seconded from The Lady to add taste and balance)
PERSONAL:
Ann Onymous (Mrs)
LONELY HEARTS:
Chlamydia von Back-Scuttle (Countess)
AGONY:
Boys: Unc Concerned
Girls: Aunt Tithis-Is
HOBBIES & INTERESTS GENERAL SECTION:
TRAIN SPOTTING & BASHING:
UK:
Ann O’Rak
Brad Shaw
Continental:
Bette Humaine
AMATEUR RADIO:
Con Denser
Di Pole
R. E. Sistor
S. S. Band
Sporadic E.
Guest Band:
Lonny Gwave and The Big Farm
MOTORING GENERAL:
Victor Vauxhall
Captain Morgan
Di Hatsu
Austin Morris
Morris Austin
Austin Healy
Frazer Nash
Bri Stol
Ford Prefect (Big Ta Dougy Adams)
I. N. Victa
MOTOR RACING:
Brian S. Hatch
Monty Carlo
Lee Mans
Silvia Stone
B. R. Umbrum
CYCLING:
Archie Sturmey
FOOD & DINING:
Mitch Elin.
Calm down dear; now Winner’s stepped out you won’t have to suffer either of their ugly mugs in The Sunday Times (Also, it’s not to Mich’s tase – He’s is tyred of such publicity) 😐
GARDENING:
U. P. Hill
SPORTS:
Spud Couch
G. R. O’Up-Psycotic
P. R. O. le-Focuser
+++
HUMANITIES
CLASSICS:
Sensibilus Propitiatus
PARLIAMENTARY:
Polly Ticks
Phil I. Buster
Hans Ard
RELIGIOUS:
CofE:
The Rev Up (Ms) (Saddles for Bikers Ministry)
Bob S. Triple (Belfry).
C. Ept (Tranni).
James Bible. (Thank God).
ROMANISTS:
Parish: Father Kiddiefiddler.
(St Tenderbums in The Vestry – Parish Outreach Team)
Mothers Union: Mrs Doyle
Vatican Interlocutor Extraordinary: Father Jack
NON-COM’S:
METHODISTS:
Dr Mad C. Ircuit-Trainer.
OTHER:
Anna Baptist.
HOUSE CHURCHES:
Pastor Ised
H. Appy-Clappy
THOSE OF THE JEWISH PERSUASION:
Isaiah Eyeshigher
PAGAN:
Auntie Christ
MOHAMMEDAN:
Al Lah (The Scouse Muslim)
ESOTERIC + GENERAL FUNNY THINGS:
U. P. Anishads. BA (Calcutta) (passed)
CHARITY APPEALS:
Dona Te
Ben Evelolent
MEDICAL:
Doctor Doctor Etc.
Jean Therapy
+++
WEATHER:
P. Redict
M. Etoffice
I. U. Segoogle
Piers Head. UK Sea Conditions
Sue Nami. Climate Change Desk
THE (FOR SAFETY REASONS) OUTHOUSE CORRESPONDENTS:
GAY AFFAIRS DESK*
Les Bian (obviously)
Dee Viant
K. T. Nuke
Ben Dover (no relation)
Phil McCavity (naturalle)
Ivor Penchant
Sean Weekly
B. U. M. Puncher
The Fitz Bros (not to be forgotten)
Homer Sexual (obviously)
(*Before you ask – Melamine for easy wipe-down)
THE OUTHOUSE CORRESPONDENTS:
ARTS & FARTS:
Brian Sewell (Rocks*)
Rob Cowan (Our Rock)
John Cooper-Clarke (Rocks*)
Mark E. Smith (Gone to Jesus)
Tracy E. Ming (Ms) (Minging*)
[*A Star Review* by Phil O’Stine : **A Times Arts & Culture Critic Critic critique**]
( H&S Warning: **Just don’t bother trying to work that one out – It scans. 🙂 )
HOME:
Jack Straws-Castle
CITY:
Ann Alysis
O. N. The-Next-Bubble
S. Lippery
Funny Foreign Beer-Voucher Exchange Desk:
Bo Urse
POLITICAL:
R. E. Ferendum snr. (Referendum Party)
R. E. Ferendum jnr. (UKIP)
R. E. Ferendum II. (True Democracy Movement)
T. O. Talitarianism. (Obey Party)
X. Bencher. (See Libby Ral)
Libby Ral. (Tranni)
B. Rother. (Con) [Little-Bankers Lodge]
B. Rother. (Lab) [Strings-Pulled for a New Suit Lodge]
G. A. S. Chambers. (BNP)
DEFENCE:
Military Correspondents:
Boge Y. Col (rtd)
Para Normal
Para Noid
Tommy Gun
N. A. Afi
Rear Admiral Bimbo (dts)
Big G. Les
Old Bob (get your own hole though)
+ + +
That’s enough now. Any more and you’ll strip the whole of UK forces.
Old : Ed.
NHS:
Hepi Titus.
SCIENCE:
Mike R. O’Scope
Ret Ort
SPACE:
Ann Tenna
Jed Relbank
Ret Rorocket
Blair Saucer (chipped)
COURT & SOCIAL:
Tara Palmer-Boomdeeay-Nosegay (MISS)
DIARISTS:
Collin S.
L. Etts
LEGAL:
M. I. Lud
Barry Stir
Rancid of The Bailey (High Ct + El Vino’s)
POLICE SURGERY:
PC T. Hug
S. Tazi. (101)
NEIGHBOURHOOD-WATCH:
Col U. N. der-Cover
G. Rae Curtain-Twitcher (Mrs)
DEVELOPMENT:
GENERAL BUILDING&CONSTRUCTION:
Alf Wiedersehen
E. N. Gineer.
HOUSING:
Pru Fab.
REGIONAL CORRESPONDENTS:
NORTH of WATFORD:
E. Bah-Gum
SCOTLAND:
Ilsa Craig
WALES:
L. L. Prestatyn
IRELAND:
Odear O’Dear
ISLANDS:
W. E. Nowhaveleccy
EAST ANGLIA:
V. Flat-Norfolk
WEST COUNTRY:
Al O. My-Lover
REALLY FOREIGN (Oooooooo):
EUROPE:
Eur Inal
Mag I. Notline
P. Issoir
Belgian Tom
Angela Merkal
VATICAN:
Cardinal Puff
Sister Shimmi-Kate
Fr Patrick O’Thisfirmsgoingtits-Up
Br Seamus O’Mehandsoutforthedivi-Up
Father Jack
Mrs Doyle
SCANDINAVIA:
Os Low
Ray Kyavik
S. Aab
MIDDLE EAST:
Ben Gahzi
Jordan
FAR EAST:
Sue Matra (V. Hot)
CHINA:
V. Big
JAPAN:
V. Small
NORFOLK:
Bloody Flat
DOMINIONS
THE SUB-CONTINENT:
Chai Whalla
Tif In
Hil Station
Sam Pan
Paddy Rice
Bungalow Bill
T. A. J. Mahal
Mat McGhandi
AFRICAN:
E. Gypt
Cas A’Blanca
Tim Buktu
Zam Beezi
I. Zigazumba
Su Dan
Victoria Falls
Sam Bok
Johann Esberg
E. Theopia
Nige Ria
Mo Rocco
Nye Asaland
Ken Ya
Al Geria
Central African Republic
ANTIPODEAN:
Rocky Ayres
Slim Dusty
Sydney Harbour
Tas Mania
Kev Wilson
N I G E L E-L E-L E-L (fuckin legend)
Alice Springs
Matilda Waltz (18)
MINOR HOLDINGS
THE AMERICAN COLONIES:
Al Aska
Al Abama
Ari Zona
A. R. Kansas
B. A. L’Timore
Cal A’fornia
Carolina North
Carolina South
Col O’Rado
Columbia D.
Con Neticut
D. A. Kota-North
D. A. Kota-South
Del A. Ware
Flo Rida (or Flori Da when she’s pissed)
Georgia On My Mind
H. A. Waii
Ida Ho
Illi Nois
India Na (or Indi Ana when she’s getting stroppy)
I. O. Wa
K. Ansas
Ken Tucky
Loius Iana
Mai Ne
Mary Land
Ma Ssachusetts
Mich I. Gan
Minni Sota
Miss Issippi
Miss Ouri
Mo N’Tana
Neb Raska
Nev A’Da
N. E. W. Hampshire
N. E. W. Jersey (Primark)
N. E. W. Mexico
N. E. W. York
O. H. Io
O. K. Lahoma (all right really)
Oma Ha
O. R. E. Gon
Penn Sylvnia
Rhoda Island
Ten Nessee (The Perfect)
Tex As
Uta H.
Ver Mont
Virginia East
Virginia West
W. A. Shington
Wisco N. Sin
W. Y. O’Ming
That’s it now you lot, you’ve got the lot, (I think), I’ll do a back-check and award a coconut if you’ve got it all fully right.
As said: It’s all been done before, and most of it put to music in a song as well.
Get back to proper work now.
Old :
Hiram Andfirem The 28&3/4 (a) (jnr)
Big Old MacDonald
Wendy S.
Wal Mart
. . . . . …. and of course . . . …… Mouse M.
THE CANADAS:
Lum Berjack (OK)
Nan Tucket (sound)
E. Nell
Hudson Bay
G. T. Lakes
Hal I. Fax
AMERICAS SOUTH:
Anna Conda
F. Ray Bentos (Your Argentinian Correspondent)
Val Perizo
N. Azi
UK EX COLONIES GENERAL:
U. Sed
L. E. T. Down
A. Bandoned.
RUSSIAS:
Mo Scovitch The Terrible
Olly Garch
Teka Alloff
DON’T CONTACT US
@
ODA HEAD OFFICE:
The Back Kennel
rear der Secret Coal Bunker (shhhhhhhhhhhh)
Le Hovel
21 Avenue Ordure
off Three-Way By-Pass
Castle Anthrax
Little Mundane by Cut-Backs
via Much Bewilderment
Area 51a
Veil Royalle
Always-under-Cloud
Pure Isle
WC1
Somewhere – off – The Wall.
Station: Reddish South (expect long delays)
(Brougham or Strumpet : Pay no more than 1/3d)
Telegrams: Rushed in Rusholme
Mr Bell’s Apparatus: Wigan 1212
Terms of Business:
Pay-up front to depot by
cash or certified credit-card or bearer bond or bankers draft or certified assayed bullion
ONLY.
(Sexual favours not accepted)
OPEN Mon-Sat.
Delivery free within 3 mile radius incl airport
BUT FOR
Gorsey Bank addresses:
Those subject to 25% surcharge.
Pre-pay by card only.
All orders left on step before text advice of delivery.
Delivery vehicle engine control chip remotely controlled + fuel tank sealed.
Driver is valueless syphilitic terminal TB carrier with incurable flatulence, incontinence, intermittent twitches, a bad squint, knock-knees, occasional limp and dyspepsia
(+ Young Conservative & United supporter).
NO watch or jewellery worn and doesn’t speak English (or say much anything really).
NO CASH CARRIED.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
THE SUB-NOTES STANDING, STD & USUAL:
JOINED-UP GOVERNMENT = JOINED-UP RESPONSIBILITY
VERGESSEN SIE NICHT:
IF NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS,
HOW COME THE BASTARDS KEEP MANUFACTURING IT ?
Oportet Operam Dore
However, me thinks, it just depends what you’re working at. 😐
Old :
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.
! HELP ! – THEY’VE GOT OUR DNA !
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
! STOP PRESS !
An Inverse But Still Tasteful Marketing Promotion:
THE MERCHANDISE SHOP IS SHUT:
🙁
CLOSED FOR RE-FURB’ UNTIL
AUTUMN 2013 (Rev 1)
SEE THE NEARLY HEAD OF PAGE NOTICES
TO NEARLY THE HEAD OF THE WOM PAGE !
! BUY ODA T-SHIRTS WHEN WE RE-OPEN
(YOU BASTARDS) !
Or the girl gets it !
(I wish – PLEASE don’t tell Mrs Ed)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
DON’T FORGET:
Dressing well and looking good are essential.
A purpose in life is not.
Pinched from: Dear Oscar (who else ?)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
COMING SOON SOMETIME (!)
POST TAB RESPONSE FACILITY TO ALL ON ODA SITE
ie Your chance to comment
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> THIS PAGE : Description : A light-hearted glimpse at the ODA time-clock-cards <
> THIS PAGE : Make-Up : The terra-potta army <
> THIS PAGE : Last Update Proper Loaded : AM Friday 23-August-2013. <
> THIS PAGE : Latest Draft to Above : AM Saturday 24-August-2013. <
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
All times noted to writings to >Railway Time=London Greenwich< * PROPER.
None of that funny foreign ‘Eastern Seaboard Time’ etc
(Which they use in St Andrews)
or even any of that UDT.
(Lark wot owr milkman ‘as)
* GMT. + When in season, easy-read BST.
(Which surprisingly contains no added E-Numbers, hydrogenated oils or salt
and is thought to be non-fattening and harmless to animals)
May Might Does not contain nuts.
(Noted for the sake of any passing plebs who may might be considering it
for referral to their social worker as grounds for their next claim)
And don’t forget:
You cannot hope to bribe, divert, or twist,
The Greater British Journalist,
However, observing what the man will natural do,
There can be no reason for attempting to.
And the pig did get up, and, very, very slowly, walk away. G. Odd