ref Page Layout:

< THIS PAGE : LATEST to HEAD of PAGE >

ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap

ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater

If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?

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HEAD NOTES:

ref THIS PAGE STYLE:

ref The Pieces Below + Above
+
The E-steamed Wisdom Contained Therein:

For New Recipients – Yes, we do know:

1: They are for the most part, gutter humour.
ie 1: They are quite, quite, quite vulgar for the most part.
ie 2: They’re mostly crude, lewd and rude (some very much so)
+
Throw in bland, infantile, and gratuitously outrageous for good luck where they apply (often !),
and you’ve got a fairly accurate picture of just wot is below. 🙂

An Aside:
–> Ah, The Gutter : It’s where we live <–
No Apologies : There’s no place like home etc. 🙂

Ergo: Should you live on the kerb or above, some might well cause offence. 🙁
The easy way for the delicate to deal with it if you don’t want to
take heed of the sentiments of the nice polite version on The Home Page –
GO AWAY NOW:

aka. Piss-Off You Princess. 🙁 / 🙂

2: You might have seen or heard said some of the pieces below somewhere else before,
indeed some of them are so old they’re probably pensionable,
but please don’t show-off by telling us where and when they seen.
To date gentlefolk other of The Parish of St ODA might not have had the benefit of the profound illumination & enlightenment contained therein and shed by them.
We don’t claim copy-write on them – Share & Enjoy.

3: The only things we’re trying to do for the better than the rest of the rabble,
is to publish in a form matching the idiom of the piece particular, in as intelligible a form as can be writ by us.
Where possible for retention of that idiom intrinsic to the piece, that form is put to something akin to The Queen’s English.
Oh, and we’re trying not to repeat the same one after publication as well.

So, Dear Reader,
This page in summation,
is a torrent of banal filth, innuendo, outrageous lies, smears and distortion,
general character assassination to bods various
all tastefully counterpointed with ‘politically incorrect’ anarchistic truths and insights
into the greater world
+
The ODD flash of divine inspiration and enlightenment absolute*
combined with good taste proper (again, very few and little !) 🙂

See our stance statements on The Home Page also.

*Reet Good. Couldn’t do better mi sen. Double coconuts all round. Godd J. Villa Omni, Heaven, H1 WC666

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For similar tasteful observations:
See The Memoriam Page : Immedicabilise Memoriae Immemorabilis
for the best in eulogies

—————————————————————————————————————

Remember:
The Commonwealth Games last + Football World Cup last + O&S other ?
See the base of this page : A few out of the back catalogue to nudge the memory cell

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So, to end the year and reflect back on 2011:

PM Saturday 31-December-2011:

Your Annual Revue

After careful examination and consideration of your performance as a friend and relative during 2011, I have formed the view you are mainly a free-loading arse, but with acute bi-polar tendancies coupled with narcissistic leanings. Poor table manners and body hygiene, no dress sense and habitual nose picking in public do nothing to negate the above. That said, I am an only child and you are my mother, and sole beneficiary of my deceased millionaire fathers estate, so I have decided to extend your contract for a further 12 months.

Please try to wash occasionally.

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PM Friday 30-December-2011:

A poor sparrow was caught out in this terrible weather and sought shelter in a tree.
Eventually he decided he just had to find food and flew on, and on and on but without success.
Eventually his little wings froze and he dropped into the snow.
He lay there with hope awaiting the end and eventually lost consciousness as his short life ebbed away. 🙁
Suddenly he awoke to find himself covered with a warm blanket of poo which a passing moo-cow had inadvertently deposited on him. 🙂
As the heat transferred to him he felt life return and chirped in happiness and celebration.
A nearby pussy-cat heard him, sidled over, picked him up, cleaned him off and ate him.
There are 3 morals to this story:
1 : Not everyone who shits on you means you harm.
2 : Not all shit causes you shit.
3 : If, for any reason, you are in it, keep your mouth shut. 😐

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AM Thursday 29-December-2011:

Wondered into the pub for a recovery session after Crimbo and tried those new Walkers Mystery Flavour Crisps. Absolutely foul – Reminded me of me ex-wife’s fanny – Everybody in the Tap Room agreed with me.

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AM Wednesday 28-December-2011:

After 10 years of marriage finally found the wife’s G-Spot –

At long last – Her sister had it . 🙂

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AM Tuesday 27-December-2011:

The rich lesbians next door asked what I wanted for Xmas ?
The Rolex was lovely but it wasn’t quite what I meant when I said:
‘I wanna watch’

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AM Monday 26-December-2011:

Got a sweater for Christmas.
Oh well, better than nowt.

Really wanted a screamer or a moaner though. 🙁

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SUNDAY 25-December-2011.

Piss-Off – IT’S CRIMBO + Would you work on Xmas Day ?

AND IT’S SUNDAY.

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PM Saturday 24-December-2011:

Noted: ref Father Christmas:
1 : Talks in a funny language that none can understand.
2 : Wears a peculiar track-suit of types.
3 : Is good at getting into peoples houses without them knowing.
4 : Has loads of electrical goods that nobody who gets them can trace.
5 : Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
6 : Only does one days work a year.

Laplander my crusty arse – Total Bollocks – The twat’s a scouser

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PM Friday 23-December-2012:

Was in Tescos stuck behind long queue for check-out – x3 trolleys full of Xmas booze + Xmas Day scran + the gen party gear.
Little old lady behind only had a loaf.
I thought ‘spirit of Christmas is upon us, so did the decent thing and told here to fuck-off to another till as I was going to be ages.

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PM Thursday 22-December-2011:

On the events of WikiLeaks past
Bad News:
If PayPal is suspended again like last year, as/ last year, so will be your a/c .
Good News:
The Post Office are doing cheap postal orders again.
Happy Xmas 2011
WikiLeaks

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PM Wednesday 21-December-2012:

Footlights News:

Jack & The Beanstalk Panto at Bradford Empire CANCELLED – The Giant can’t smell any Englishmen. 😐

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AM Tuesday 20-December-2011:

Latest fashionable Xmas toy is a talking Muslim doll.
The down side is no one knows what it says as no bugger’s got the bottle to pull the cord . 😐

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PM Monday 19-December-2011:

ON FAIRLY RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS LOCAL

Dear Santa,
Don’t bother coming this year.
Please save the money you would have spent on my presents and give it to the poor African boys & girls who are trying to join us all here.
Please don’t think I’m a goody-goody, I’ve now got loads of stuff, more than I need and The Council won’t give us a bigger flat to store it all in.
Love
Delroy (aged 8 1/2)
Tottenham.

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SUNDAY 18-December-2011.

Sabboth fert Christi’s – Not working – Go away.

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AM Saturday 17-December-2011:

The wife’s not speaking to me just because I forgot to open the car door for her. It was only when I had swum to the surface I remembered . . . ……

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AM Friday 16-December-2011:

Two Essex girls out Xmas shopping sniff sample at the perfume counter:

Sharon sprays on wrist:
That’s nice innit, don’t you fink Trace – It’s called ‘Vien a Moi’
Tracy: Wot the fuck does that mean Shaz ?
Assistant: It’s French for ‘Come to Me’
Tracy: Don’t smell like cum to me does it to you Shaz ?

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AM Thursday 15-December-2011:

Parliamentary Question Time:
Q: What does Nick Clegg stand for ?
A: Every time David Cameron comes into the room.

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AM Wednesday 14-December-2011:

Found last week on Manchester Road:
Cocker Spaniel bitch
~ 6 months old
Blue collar but no tag
Very friendly
Tasted like chicken.

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AM Tuesday 13-December-2011:

Me tart asked me if I had been having sex behind her back – ?
Who the fuck did she think it was ?

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AM Monday 12-December-2011:

Bloke sees beautiful blonde about to jump off bridge.
He tries to calm her down and she tells him her parents don’t understand her and won’t accept her as she is – She is determined to jump.
Bloke: Oh well, if you’re so resolute, give us a blow job before you do – So she does.
She: That makes no difference I’m determined to do it.
Bloke: Just what do your parents object to ?
She: Wearing make-up and dressing as a girl . . . …… 😐

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SUNDAY 11-December-2011.

I’m fert sojourning – go away.

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AM Saturday 10-December-2011:

I saw a bloke in Tesco this morning with his knob in a toilet roll
Fuckin Charmin I thought.

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AM Friday 09-December-2011:

Just got back from hospital
They said I might have
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovocanoconiosis
but it’s hard to say

Apparently 6 out 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy

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AM Thursday 08-December-2011:

Honestly some people take offence at anything !
I met a bloke with one leg at the bus stop and all I asked him how he was getting on. 😐

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AM Wednesday 07-December-2011:

Bloke goes up to woman sat at bar in a pub:
‘I’d like to fill your fanny with Stella and drink it down in one’
Aghast she jumps up and rushes over to here husband playing darts in the corner and tells him.
He carries on with his throw.
Woman:
Aren’t you going to punch him ?
He:
Nah, I’m not fighting any fucker who can drink 25 pints of Stella in a go.

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AM Tuesday 06-December-2011:

Food Inspector in a bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to crimp the edges of apple tarts
SHE ROARS:
Do you not have a tool for that Paddy ?

Paddy:

Not when I’m putting the holes in the doughnuts Mrs . . . ………..

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AM Monday 05-December-2011:

Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a Labrador
Mick:
You silly twat, have you seen how many of the owners go blind ?

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SUNDAY 04-December-2011.

Can’t be bottomed – IT IS SUNDAY . . . … zzzzzz

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AM Saturday 03-December-2011:

! ! ! Fuck ! ! !
Just got home and found all the doors and windows open and me gear gone 🙁 🙁 🙁
What kind of sick bastard does that to someone’s advent calendar ? ? ? ? ? ?

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AM Friday 02-December-2011:

Panto Season Footlights News:
A charity pantomime for paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos when someone shouted HE’S BEHIND YOU !

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PM Thursday 01-DECEMBER-2011:

Office Party Season is upon us. Despite the light heartedness of these events and their consequential situations, H&S must not be forgotten or discounted and full procedures are to be followed:

Above all you are reminded to apply the ‘Test For Suitability for Purpose’:
1 : Face – Has it fallen on one side ?
2 : Arms – Can the subject raise both to shoulder level and keep them there ?
3 : Speech – Is it slurred ?
IF:
1: 1+3 are +ve
2: 2 is -ve

Then, and only then, is it time to get her knickers off – The rhollo&vodka’s kicked-in proper.

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PM Wednesday 30-November-2011:

THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

An Old Favourite:

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol/drugs etc

or, as we prefer:

Reality is where the tea is. 🙂

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AM Tuesday 29-November-2011:

Doctor in anatomy class with 1st year students:

There are 2 rules in dissection, the first being never be repulsed by anything of the human body. With that, he stuck a finger up the copses arse, pulled it out and sucked ! ! ! 😐

Several students faint, the rest retch.

The second rule is observation; I stuck my index finger up the subject, and sucked my fourth. 🙂

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AM Monday 28-November-2011:

Today is ‘Transgender Remembrance Day’ in The US.
Have you any Yank shirtlifters you’ve forgotten ?
Should they bring it over here, any Liberal councillors ?

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SUNDAY 27-November-2011.

Did nowt today as well.

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AM Saturday 26-November-2011:

Just back from holiday in Thailand

Came very, very close to finishing-up in bed with a ladyboy !

Looked like a tart, talked like a tart, walked like a tart, ashamed to say but just got to tell you, it kissed like a tart !

It was only when it drove me back to ‘her’ place and reversed the car into the garage first time, I thought to myself, just hang-on a minute . . . . . . . .

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AM Friday 25-November-2011:

Teacher:
Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left ?
Billy:
None Miss, the others would fly away
Teacher the answers 4 but I like the way you think
Billy:
I have a question for you Miss
There are 3 women eating ice cream cones:
1 licking
1 biting
1 sucking
Which one isn’t married ?
Teacher scratches head and answers:
They might all be so I’ll just take a guess at the one sucking
Billy:
The answer is the one without the wedding ring but I like the way you think. 🙂

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AM Thursday 24-November-2011:

Whoever said women can multi-task was talking total bollocks.
Told my tart to brew-up, sit down and shut-up.
She couldn’t manage any. 🙁

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AM Wednesday 23-November-2011:

Terrorists are now planting bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti
If one of those explodes it could spell disaster. 😐

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AM Tuesday 22-November-2011:

Got home to find the wife dead, slumped over the washing machine . . . . . …
Well at least she died in comfort. 🙂

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AM Monday 21-November-2011:

Paddy & Mary went for counselling after 25 years of marriage . . . . ….
Therapist asked what the problem was – ?
Mary had a list:
Neglect, loneliness + she felt unloved and unattractive 🙁
The therapist asked Mary to unbutton her blouse.
He then caressed her breasts and kissed her passionately –
she was sexually awakened and smiled for the first time in years 🙂
Therapist:
Paddy, this is what your wife needs 3 times a week, do you think you can manage it ?
Paddy:
Oi’ll give it a try. I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go fishing on Fridays ; -)

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SUNDAY 20-November-2011.

Religious News:

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism ?
Bridy O’Thingy had to call The devil in to get the priest out of her son Paddy

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AM Saturday 19-November-2011:

Went to see a ventriloquist show – certainly took me back some years – Me Uncle Nobby were on the stage as a ventriloquist –
E were fukin’ shite.
Fer practice e used to sit me on is knee, put is fingers up me arse and told me not to say anything.

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AM Friday 18-November-2011:

Military and Associated Trades:
New definition of bravery:
Coming home pissed @ 03.00 hrs, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slapping the wife on the arse and telling her:
You’re up for it next fatty.

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AM Thursday 17-November-2011:

Bloke walking in cliffs hears cry for help
Looking over he sees the most beautiful blond he ever has seen hanging on for her life
I tried to commit suicide but bottled-out she says
Pull me up she says and I’ll give you a blow-job
He duly rescues her and gets the best suck of his life
Before they part company he asks why such a pretty woman as her should want to kill herself
My parents can’t reconcile themselves to me living as a girl she says . . . …… 😐

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AM Wednesday 16-November-2011:

Ego Reinforcement:

For The Gentlemen:
Police have found a man’s body in the park
Flushed complexion, flat feet, beer belly, saggy balls, small willy and a wrinkly arse
Residual smell of stale alcohol, flatulence and unwashed clothing
No money in his wallet
Text me back ASAP and let me know you’re OK – ?

For The Ladies:
Police have found a woman’s body in the park
Flushed complexion, flat feet, overflowing belly, small saggy tits, grossly large twinkle and a wrinkly arse
Residual smell of stale alcohol, flatulence and unwashed clothing
No money in her purse.
Text me back ASAP and let me know you’re OK – ?

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AM Tuesday 15-November-2011:

Just got a job as an entertainer in old folks homes
Bless em, they don’t get half the jokes but they don’t half piss themselves laughing !

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AM Monday 14-November-2011:

Woman about to to jump off Tower Bridge 🙁
Sailor sees her and shouts:
Don’t do it I’ll stow you away on ship and you can make a new life in Oz 🙂
6 weeks later she is found and brought before the captain
He asks:
Just what are you doing on my boat ?
She tells him the truth:
One of your sailors rescued me from a suicide attempt
He’s put me in the hold where its safe and lets me uses the old bathroom near the engine room
He’s bringing me 3 meals a day and shagging me regular
He’s going to put me ashore at Sydney when we get to Oz.
The captain replies:
I’m glad you find the accommodation and services provided to your satisfaction but
he’s shagging you alright – This is The Woolwich Ferry. 😐

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SUNDAY 13-November-2011.

Gone ter Buxton fert day – DO NOT DISTURB

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AM Saturday 12-November-2011:

Married couple staying overnight in hotel room with twin beds
Settling-down for the night the husband says:
I’m lonely !
Taking the hint she climbs out of the hers and promptly trips over suitcase
Concerned husband:
Oh did my little bunny fall and hurt her nosey-wosey ?
She gets up dusts herself down and they have passionate sex.
Afterwards she makes her way back and trips again !
Husband looks up:
You clumsy cow !

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AM Friday 11-November-2011:

Was sat in a public toilet box having my ‘morning constitutional’
A voice came from the next cubicle:
Hello mate – how you doing ?
I thought it a bit strange but didn’t want to be rude so responded:
Not too bad thanks
After a short pause heard the voice again:
So what are you up to ?
I answered somewhat reluctantly:
Just having a quick shit thank you – how about you ?
From the next cubicle:
‘Sorry mate, must ring-off I’ll call you back,
I’ve got some queer twat in the next stall answering everything I say’ ! ! ! 😐

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AM Thursday 10-November-2011:

Two mates having a drink
One says to other:
If I went round to your house, shagged your wife and she got pregnant, would that makes us related ?
Dunno – ? says the other
But it would certainly make us even. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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AM Wednesday 09-November-2011:

The Queen is touring a hospital . . . ….
She looks in a side ward and sees a man masturbating with vigour ! ! !
That’s awful she says to the accompanying consultant doctor 😐
Quick thinking he explains that the man has an incurable condition that causes a dangerous build up of semen which must be released frequently.
Oh ! she exclaims, and dismisses the incident as one of those things.
She again looks in another side ward and sees a man being sucked-off by a nurse !
Before she could comment the doctor quickly explains:
As/ the other Mam, BUT he’s with BUPA.

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AM Tuesday 08-November-2011:

I’m not normally suspicious but yesterday my wife told me
she had had Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack
Not exactly cause for concern usually but I had the car yesterday . . . . . ……

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AM Monday 07-November-2011:

Mary hits Paddy over the head
Paddy:
Be-Jesus, wot was that fer ?
Mary:
I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Sexy Sarah’ written on it
Paddy:
That’s the name of a horse I bet on last week
A week later Mary hits him with the frying pan !
Paddy:
Wot the feck was that for ?
Mary:
Your horse just phoned. 😐

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SUNDAY 06-November-2011.

Church News:

What’s a Catholic Priest and a Pint of Guinness got in common ?
They’re both innocuous to look at – black coat + white collar
You quiet often get a dodgy one and if you do you have to watch your arse in both cases.

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AM Saturday 05-November-2011:

You know when you’re getting old:
I was watching porn last night and found myself thinking
Woah – That bed looks comfy . . . . . .

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AM Friday 04-November-2011:

Duck hunter trips and discharges his shotgun with edge of blast catching his genitals
He eventually gains consciousness to find himself lying in hospital bed
Doc gives him the verdict:
The Bad News is there was some pretty extensive damage to your penis
The Good News is I’m going to refer you to my Sister
Patient:
Is she a specialist plastic surgery ?
Doc:
No she’s leading flautist in The Hallé
She’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over your face

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AM Thursday 03-November-2011:

2 blokes playing golf
1 is about to tee-off when they see a funeral cortège passing the course
He stops on mid swing, takes of his cap, bows his head and makes the sign of the cross
His mate sees his observances:
That is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen
His mate responds:
Well we were married for 30 years

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AM Wednesday 02-November-2011:

Bought me missus a dildo yesterday
She said it looked like a carrot which is ironic because her fanny looks like a donkey’s. 🙁 🙂

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AM Tuesday 01-NOVEMBER-2011:

Little Billy, the smallest vampire bat in the cave, arrives back home the morning after Halloween
with his face, mouth and teeth covered in blood !
All the other bats quickly cluster and crowd around asking him where he got it from ???
OK OK OK back-off, says Bill, then after recovering his breath, follow me you lot:
Off they fly, over the hill, over the river and into the deep dark forest . . . …
Turning the swarm in mid flight and roosting them on a handy tree branch, Billy turns to them:
See that, the gnarled, twisted old oak tree over there ? says Billy
! OH YES YES YES ! the others express in eager anticipation . . . …
Well I fucking didn’t. Billy.

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AM Monday 31-October-2011:

I wish to pray a small favour:
Do hope I’m not too late, and no doubt and most prob lots of others have already asked,
but is there any chance you could lend me your face for Halloween ?

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SUNDAY 30-October-2011.

Closed.

Go away . . …. I’m preparing to get out of me coffin termorrer . . . ……

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AM Saturday 29-October-2011:

THE almost END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

Only someone who understands something absolutely

can explain it so no one else understands it.

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AM Friday 28-October-2011:

Two old ladies having tea in town
One asks other:
Did you come on that rattly bus ?
Other replies:
Oh yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack !

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AM Thursday 27-October-2011:

Old lady asked by hospital admission:
‘Have you ever been bed ridden’
She replies:
Oh many many times . . . …
I’ve also been
table ended, back scuttled, team handed, DP’d and spit roasted
but this is the first time I’ve been in hospital – Can I have a bed near the window please ?

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AM Wednesday 26-October-2011:

Old lady boards bus at same time every day and gives driver a small open bag of peanuts.
Driver eventually asks why ?
Old Lady: I only like the chocolate around them. 😐

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AM Tuesday 25-October-2011:

Grand-dad cooks deer for dinner for all the family, doesn’t tell the grandkids what it is, but gives them one clue when asked: ‘It’s what your Grandmother calls me when she’s in a good mood. Youngest lad shouts-up to others: You lot can have mine – I’m not eating bell-end for anyone. 😐

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AM Monday 24-October-2011:

OLD LADY WEEK:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman
He tips a bucket of horse shit on the carpet and says I’ll eat any the machine doesn’t pick-up
I’ll get you a large spoon she says we haven’t got electricity here

(One for the kids of all ages and classes)

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SUNDAY 23-October-2011:

Sunday School Exam Questions:

If The Church of England is
‘The Tory Party at prayer’
It follows that The Tory Party is
‘The Church of England at politics’
This now beggars the inevitable question:
Is Boris God’s incarnation on earth ?
or
Is God Boris’s in Heaven ?
Discuss.

Bless You.

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AM Saturday 22-October-2011:

Fat Tracy in supermarket queue – MT goes-off – ! LOUDLY !
Her little lad turns round and warns everyone to take it as her reversing siren
It’ll be Sharon again – ‘Have you got me any cream cakes ?’

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AM Friday 21-October-2011:

Police dog handler pulls over scouser in car
Dog sticks nose through window and sniffs
Scouser smacks dog on head
Rozzer: Before I arrest you, why you smack dog ?
Scouser: Your bastard hound was going to eat my tax disk so I slowed it down so I got there first.

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AM Thursday 20-October-2011:

Hi it’s me, your mobile
Haven’t got a message for you, I just want you to take me out of your pocket because your farting’s really getting to me today. 🙁

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AM Wednesday 19-October-2011:

Shawn is stuck on a crossword puzzle clue.
Paddy: Wot’s the prob ?
Shawn: No 3 Across – A flightless bird from Iceland – 6 + 7 words
Paddy: That’s easy –
Frozen Chicken.

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AM Tuesday 18-October-2011:

Just had a call from The Police:
Plod:
I’m very sorry to tell you sir, your house has been broken into, all your booze has been drunk and your wife raped. 😐
Me:
Can’t believe anyone would do that officer after only 48 cans of Special Brew – ? ? ?

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AM Monday 17-October-2011:

German dwarf pick-up tart
Before he starts he puts a spring on each elbow and knee then shags her all night
Phew, says the girl, how did your manage that ?
Dwarf:
Ah, Fier Sprung Dwarf Teknik !

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SUNDAY 16-October-2011:

Shut.

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AM Saturday 15-October-2011:

Told me tart to turn her head away at end of blow job
Does she listen ?
It just goes in one ear and out the other

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AM Friday 14-October-2011:

US Political News:
Now Hillary Clinton has given-up on her presidency bid her and Bill are opening a diner
It’s to be called ‘Suck-It & See’ with a leading meal-deal dish of ‘Over The Hill’
Turkey based, it’s a little breast with plenty of fat piled on a wobbling rump of opinion
All finished by a wrap-up of roly-poly pudding – glazed. 😐

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AM Thursday 13-October-2011:

Shawn sees Paddy in the street.
Paddy close your curtains when you’re shagging the wife –
Shawn: All the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday !
Paddy: The laughs on them – I wasn’t home yesterday !

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AM Wednesday 12-October-2011:

Sorry haven’t been in touch for a bit – lost your phone number. 🙁
Tried you a few times –
Dialled your speed-dial ID ‘Cunt’ into me phone directory,
but it kept coming back with David Cameron. 🙁 🙁 🙁

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AM Tuesday 11-October-2011:

Deductive didactics are only to be used in cases of severe constipation

————————————————————————————————————–

AM Monday 10-October-2011:

New Parliamentary Year – Michaelmas Sitting.

ODA : Our Political Editor Comments:
On the occasion of either
Some poor deluded MP fresher standing-up in The House to raise question
Or (far more probable):
The usual smart, slimy, grubbing low-level lobby-fodder MP pandering to the lowest common vote:

Hansard:
Back Benchers Question Time:
‘Will we ever have cheap fuel again ?’
Rt Hon Rose Coloured-Glasses. MP For Noddyshire.

ODA Writes:
Cheap Fuel ? Cheap Fuel ? CHEAP, FUCKING . . . GARLIC FUCKIN FUEL ???????????????????????
Well Poly-Fuckin-Anna I really think you’ve lost the plot this time:
Anything cheap you cunts in Whitehall get their grubby hands on they’ll then tax back-up to the hilt again,
thus continuing another of the imposed perennial strains of serfdom on the taxpayer and forcing the poor twat to run ever faster in his never ending treadmill of despair and futility.
Stop pandering to the lowest intelligences in the land for your squalid votes and and get your free publicity elsewhere.
Old : Ed.

==============================================================

SUNDAY 09-October-2011:

Gone zz’g

==============================================================

AM Saturday 08-October-2011:

Granny goes into new nursing home: Attentive nurses sit Granny on chair for reli’ visit.
She leans to one side and the nurses straighten her up.
She leans to other side and they do it again.
Reli’s arrive and ask Gran how things are ?
Gran:
All OK but the bastards won’t let you fart. 🙁

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Friday 07-October-2011:

The wife’s been missing for a week now and The Police have told me to expect the worse. 🙁
So I’ve been down the charity shop and bought her clothes back. 🙁 🙁 🙁

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 06-October-2011:

A ship sinks with only 3 survivors : Albert, Fred and Daisy
They swim to a small deserted island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally
but Daisy feels so bad having sex with both of them that she kills herself
The boys are naturally sad and upset but they get over it, and again, nature takes it course
After a few months the lads really feel bad about what they are doing . . . . . .
So they bury her.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 05-October-2011:

I’ve just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop. 😐

Only asked for a bomber jacket – Touchy bastards. 🙁

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 04-October-2011:

Plod is walking down Piccadilly towards Deansgate
On reaching the end of The Gardens he comes across a dead horse in the street
And what have we here, he ponders ?
Oh well, all part of the day, better get it reported and takes out notebook
‘I was proceeding in a northerly direction and coming to the end of ~~Picadily~~ ~~Pickadilly~~ ~~Piccadilie~~ ~~Pikidelly~~
Oh fuck-it, he thinks, gets hold of the tail and drags it into Tib Street. 🙂

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Monday 03-October-2011:

Rolled over last night but the wife said she had a gyno appointment in the morning 🙁
Didn’t matter really – She didn’t have a dental appointment as well 🙂

===============================================================

SUNDAY 02-October-2011.

Closed For Repairs (of us)

==============================================================

AM Saturday 01-OCTOBER-2011:

Moses and Becky are on holiday in Jerusalem when poor Mo suddenly dies
Local Funeral Director:
It’ll cost £5000 to ship him back home or £500 to bury him here.
Becky has a think and quickly decides:
Ship him home.
Undertaker:
How unusual Madam, you must be distraught, why not bury him here in The Holy Land of our origins
and save the money ?
Becky:
A long time ago your ancestors buried a man here and 3 days later he arose from the dead . . … I just don’t want to take that fucking chance.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Friday 30-September-2011:

SO-SO-SO . . . . . . . …… THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

We note the loading of this stream of pure enlightenment is now in month 6. With mind to our initial entry, we offer from our Akademik Humanities Correspondent – Phil O’Sophical:

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

The Ed writes: Let’s have a good old surreal one / 1/4 at least, or less : Monthly/Weekly ? Old :

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 29-September-2011:

Bloke goes into sex shop and asks for a blow-up doll.
Male or Female asks the assistant ?
He: Female
She: Black or white or asian yellow ?
He selects: White please.
She: Christian or Muslim ?
He: Wot’s that got to do with it ?
The Muslim one blows itself up and the Christian always feels sorry after sir. 😐

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 28-September-2011:

Bloke lying in bed with new Thai wife who’s stroking his willy all night.
Do you really like my willy that much, he asks.
Not quite that much, she replies.
It’s just that it reminds me of mine . . . …… 😐 🙁 😐

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 27-September-2011:

Paddy and Shamus in pub watching evening TV news.
Main story – Bloke about to jump off Barton Bridge.
Shamus:
I bet you £20 he’ll jump
Paddy:
Your on.
With that the bloke jumps 🙁
Paddy, mortified, hands Shamus his £20
Shamus:
I can’t take your money Paddy, I saw it earlier on the lunchtime news.
Paddy:
So did I, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Monday 26-September-2011:

Ordered a Chinese last night
Chink turned up at door – £20 prease
I smiled and asked:
Can you name Jordan’s blind son ?
Chink:
Harvey Price
Me:
Cheers Ting Tong – here’s a tenner now fuck-off

==============================================================

SUNDAY 25-September-2011.

SHUTTED.

==============================================================

AM Saturday 24-September-2011:

Two blokes in pub:
1st: I wouldn’t feel happy/safe on a plane with a female pilot.
2nd: Sexist twat !
It’s not as if she’d have to reverse the fucking thing.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Friday 23-September-2011:

Advertising Standards:
Bought a packet of sausages at Sainsburys
On front was picture of Jamie Oliver
On rear was ‘Prick with fork’
I admire their honesty.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 22-September-2011:

Plods knock at blokes door and he opens:
Plod:
I’m terribly sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus. 🙁
Bloke:
I know, but she’s got a lovely personality and she’s a bloody fine cook and wonderful with the kids. 🙂

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Wednesday 21-September-2011:

The wife phoned:
You’d better come to the hospital quick, me mother’s dying
Me:
For fucks sake I was about to switch the telly on and watch United playing City in the mid week Derby !
Her:
Record it and watch it later.
What a terrifically good idea I thought,
so I leathered it down to the hospital, set up me vid camera on the tripod
and just about made it into the ground for kick-off. 🙂 🙂 🙂

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 20-September-2011:

Plod sees 2 queers up a back-ginnel – shagging. 😐
He runs in but only catches one
Plod:
Tell me where yer mate gone or I’ll shove this truncheon up your arse
A voice comes out of the gloom – Over here in the wheely bin – Me first !

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Monday 19-September-2011:

Wondering why you can’t get decent train services these days in UK is rather like
Hitler wondering why he couldn’t get a decent bagel in 1945 Berlin . . . …… ? ? ?

==============================================================

SUNDAY 18-September-2011.

Gone to Mosque (all tastes catered for)

Couldn’t hear the organ and the hymns were crap, but it takes all sorts. 🙂

==============================================================

PM Saturday 17-September-2011:

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
Specificity
Anti-constitutionalist
Passive aggressive disorder
Transubstantiation
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
No more beer thank you.
No thanks I’m married.
Sorry you’re not my type.
No I don’t want to see your tits.
No thank you I don’t want my willy sucking.
Please don’t sit on my face I’ve got asthma.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Friday 16-September-2011:

Got an E-Mail from:
‘Bored Housewife looking for hot steamy action !’
I sent her me ironing; that should keep the idle bitch happy for a bit. 🙂

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 15-September-2011:

Driving to work this morning a woman putting on her make-up driving a bmw drove past me at about 90 mph
It scared me so much I dropped my leccy shaver and fag on me bacon butty on me lap, then instinctively move me head and me moby fell off me shoulder and into me coffee I was holding between me knees and splashed me shirt !
Fuck-Me ! I nearly pranged !
! FUCKIN WOMEN DRIVERS !

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Wednesday 14-September-2011:

Me gobby thin neighbour’s always having a go at me for me weight
Last night:
Eh-oop lad, how come you keep getting fatter ?
Me:
Because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit.

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Tuesday 13-September-2011:

Saw me mate coming out of the doctors looking very, very worried
On enquiry he told me he’d just been told he’d been he had ‘The Big C’ 🙁 🙁 🙁
Cancer ? I asked in confirmation.
No, dyslexia, he replied.

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Monday 12-September-2011:

All blokes hope that on wedlock they are marrying a nymphomaniac
It might well be true for many at the time but unfortunately for all
after a year or two the nympho leaves but the maniac remains. 🙁

===============================================================

SUNDAY 11-September-2011.

YE SABBATH (But no Ozzy today thank you – Want to sleep-in)

==============================================================

PM Saturday 10-September-2011:

The wife bought me a tub of ice-cream. 🙂
How hard is it I asked ?
It’s as hard as your willy when you think of me she replied.
Oh go on then, pour me a glass. 😐

—————————————————————————————————————

PM Friday 09-September-2011:

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman and a Frog and a Latvian and a Turker and Yank and a etc
go into a club
The owner bars them – You can’t come in here without a Thai.

—————————————————————————————————————-

PM Thursday 08-September-2011:

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vets saying it has epilepsy 🙁
Vet looks at the fish:
Looks fit enough to me Paddy – ?
Paddy:
Oi, hang on, Oi’ve not got him out of the bowl yet . . . ……

—————————————————————————————————————

PM Wednesday 07-September-2011:

On Cold Calling:
A young lady phones from Barton Mobility and asks me if I have any trouble getting out of the bath ?
Response:
Only when I’m pissed love.

—————————————————————————————————————

PM Tuesday 06-September-2011:

My lad’s been thrown out of his current school for getting a girl in his class to give him a blow job
I’ve told him straight –
That’s 3 schools you’ve been thrown out of for the same thing
You’ll have to stop this or they’ll ban you from teaching.

—————————————————————————————————————

PM Monday 05-September-2011:

Little lad arrives home from start of school year full of beans:
Dad I’ve been given a part in the school play playing a bloke who’s been married 25 years
Dad:
Never mind son, next time you might get a speaking part.

==============================================================

SUNDAY 04-September-2011.

Went to Church + Mosque + Schule (all tastes catered for)

==============================================================

AM Saturday 03-September-2011:

Swiss squaddie friend of mine recently married his childhood sweetheart during his National Service.
A local girl she can wash with one hand, cook with the other, dust with one foot whilst sucking his willy and opening a bottle of beer with her arse + peeling potatoes with her fanny.
He says she’s nothing special.
Just a typical Swiss Army Wife.

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Friday 02-September-2011:

David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night.
He found his way into the local knocking shop and accosted the madam.
Cameron:
I’m The Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some quality time with one of your ladies or even your good self ?
Madam:
Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, pants as low as my profits, your dick as hard as the times we’re living through and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the same way as you have the pensioners, then it won’t cost you a fuckin penny.

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Thursday 01-SEPTEMBER-2011:

Need your advice:
Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40
Is that two deer ?

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

AM Wednesday 31-August-2011:

A Surreal Spot:

We note the loading of this stream of pure enlightenment is now to end of Month 1 of writing proper. With mind to our initial entry, we offer from our Akademik Humanities Correspondent – Phil O’Sophical:

So, for your considerations, or not if the below is created by such – etc etc etc

Jean-Paul Sartre, the French Existentialist
sits down at table at his favourite café
Waitress:
Can I get you something Monsieur Sartre ?
Sartre:
Coffee please, sugar but no cream
Waitress:
I’m terribly sorry Monsieur Sartre, we have no cream to offer
Should I make your coffee with no milk instead ?

Velly nice that one. :-))))))

Ed.

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Tuesday 30-August-2011:

I’ve started to plan me own funeral.
Opening hymn, No 545, one which you’ll all be familiar with:
‘Chief of Sinners Though I Be’
To be followed by:
‘Come, Shepherds Come’
And ending with:
‘And Sheep Shall Safely Graze’
Flowers welcome.
There will also be a silver collection in aid of The Little Sisters of The Frustrated
Please give generously.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Monday 29-August-2011:

HM H&S EXECUTIVE NOTICE
HEALTH WARNING – EXCESSIVE DRINKING:
Whisky & Ice will strain your heart
Vodka & Ice will ruin your kidneys
Rum & Ice will damage your liver
Gin & Ice will degrade your memory and affect your eyesight
+
Iced Tea / Coca-Cola / Pepsi / Red Bull & Ice will degrade your teeth
Ergo
! STOP USING ICE !
Warn all your friends forthwith – This could save a life
Remember what sank The Titanic.

==============================================================

SUNDAY 28-August-2011.

Day off. 🙂

==============================================================

AM Saturday 27-August-2011:

Inside Story – News From Norway:
Contract camera crew have let be known that the filming of the latest Fox’s Glacier Mint commercial didn’t come-off quite as expected . . . ……

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Friday 26-August-2011:

Just a few years of the No Smoking ban and 10,000 pubs have disappeared
Just think what would happen if they banned curry ? ! ? ! ? !

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Thursday 25-August-2011:

Rochdale News:
Squat toilets are to be put in the town centre public bogs fert Pakis (aka The Asian community)
The place is going down the pan. 🙁

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Wednesday 24-August-2011:

If 186,363 miles/second is the speed of light
What’s the speed of dark ?

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Tuesday 23-August-2011:

Slimmers World
Fat tart goes to doctors and asks:
What are the easiest exercise I can do to loose weight ?
Doctor:
At certain times just shake your head.
Fatty:
What certain times ?
Doctor:
Every time some bugger offers you food you fat twat.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Monday 22-August-2011:

The US Fed Credit Rating has been downgraded to
Regular, Easy on The Mayo and Hold The Fries.

==============================================================

SUNDAY 21-August-2011.

Services For The Day: Evensong
The lesson today is taken from The Book Laviciousness
ChI V1:
When I was a child I spake as a child
When I was I man, I tried it on but the little fuckers saw straight through me.
A silver collection will now be taken.
After the service Mrs Cameron will doing teas in the Scout Hut
Mrs Clegg will be doing the washing up.

==============================================================

AM Saturday 20-August-2011:

What’s the difference between Fergie and and hippopotamus ?
One’s got a fat arse and a big mouth
The other lives in Africa.

—————————————————————————————————————

AM Friday 19-August-2011:

In light of the foreseen ‘knock-on’ crash of the Asian Financial Markets, The US Fed Reserve CEO (ex navy) has made the following comment of observation to Japan:
Now let’s see how you like all them fuckin’ Zero’s.

—————————————————————————————————————-

AM Thursday 18-August-2011: