THE DAILY ENLIGHTENMENT :2011: Textual Relations : Archive (for plebs)

 ref  Page Layout:


ODA  :  Illustrating The Continuity of Crap

ODA  :  Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater

If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?




ref  The Pieces Below + Above
The E-steamed Wisdom Contained Therein:

For New Recipients – Yes, we do know:

1:  They are for the most part,  gutter humour.
ie 1:  They are quite, quite, quite  vulgar for the most part.
ie 2:  They’re mostly  crude, lewd and rude  (some very much so)
Throw in  bland, infantile, and gratuitously outrageous  for good luck where they apply  (often !),
and you’ve got a fairly accurate picture of just wot is below.           🙂

An Aside:
–> Ah, The Gutter  :  It’s where we live <–
No Apologies  :  There’s no place like home  etc.    🙂

Ergo:  Should you live on the kerb or above,  some might well cause offence.  🙁
The easy way for the delicate to deal with it if you don’t want to
take heed of the sentiments of the nice polite version on The Home Page  –

aka.  Piss-Off You Princess.    🙁    /    🙂

2: You might have seen or heard said some of the pieces below somewhere else before,
indeed some of them are so old they’re probably pensionable,
but please don’t show-off by telling us where and when they seen.
To date gentlefolk other of The Parish of St ODA might not have had the benefit of the profound  illumination & enlightenment  contained therein and shed by them.
We don’t claim copy-write on them – Share & Enjoy.

3:  The only things we’re trying to do for the better than the rest of the rabble,
is to publish in a form matching the idiom of the piece particular,  in as intelligible a form as can be writ by us.
Where possible for retention of that idiom intrinsic to the piece,  that form is put to something akin to The Queen’s English.
Oh,  and we’re trying not to repeat the same one after publication as well.

So,  Dear Reader,
This page in summation,
is a torrent of  banal filth, innuendo, outrageous lies, smears and distortion,
general character assassination to bods various
all tastefully counterpointed with ‘politically incorrect’ anarchistic truths and insights
into the greater world
The ODD flash of divine inspiration and enlightenment absolute*
combined with good taste proper  (again, very few and little !)    🙂

See our stance statements on The Home Page also.

*Reet Good.    Couldn’t do better mi sen.    Double coconuts all round.                                                           Godd J.   Villa Omni,    Heaven,  H1 WC666


For similar tasteful observations:
See The Memoriam Page  :  Immedicabilise Memoriae Immemorabilis
for the best in eulogies


The Commonwealth Games last + Football World Cup last + O&S other ?
See the base of this page : A few out of the back catalogue to nudge the memory cell


So,  to end the year and reflect back on 2011:

PM Saturday  31-December-2011:

Your Annual Revue

After careful examination and consideration of your performance as a friend and  relative during 2011, I have formed the view you are mainly a free-loading arse, but with acute bi-polar tendancies coupled with narcissistic leanings.  Poor table manners and body hygiene, no dress sense and habitual nose picking in public do nothing to negate the above.  That said,  I am an only child and you are my mother, and sole beneficiary of my deceased millionaire fathers estate, so I have decided to extend your contract for a further 12 months.

Please try to wash occasionally.


PM Friday  30-December-2011:

A poor sparrow was caught out in this terrible weather and sought shelter in a tree.
Eventually he decided he just had to find food and flew on, and on and on but without success.
Eventually his little wings froze and he dropped into the snow.
He lay there with hope awaiting the end and eventually lost consciousness as his short life ebbed away.  🙁
Suddenly he awoke to find himself covered with a warm blanket of poo which a passing moo-cow had inadvertently deposited on him.  🙂
As the heat transferred to him he felt life return and chirped in happiness and celebration.
A nearby pussy-cat heard him, sidled over, picked him up, cleaned him off and ate him.
There are 3 morals to this story:
1 :  Not everyone who shits on you means you harm.
2 :  Not all shit causes you shit.
3 :  If, for any reason, you are in it, keep your mouth shut.  😐


AM Thursday  29-December-2011:

Wondered into the pub for a recovery session after Crimbo and tried those new Walkers Mystery Flavour Crisps.  Absolutely foul – Reminded me of me ex-wife’s fanny – Everybody in the Tap Room agreed with me.


AM Wednesday  28-December-2011:

After 10 years of marriage finally found the wife’s G-Spot –

At long last  –  Her sister had it .  🙂


AM Tuesday  27-December-2011:

The rich lesbians next door asked what I wanted for Xmas ?
The Rolex was lovely but it wasn’t quite what I meant when I said:
‘I wanna watch’


AM Monday  26-December-2011:

Got a sweater for Christmas.
Oh well, better than nowt.

Really wanted a screamer or a moaner though.  🙁


SUNDAY    25-December-2011.

Piss-Off  –  IT’S CRIMBO  Would you work on Xmas Day ?



PM Saturday  24-December-2011:

Noted:    ref  Father Christmas:
1 :  Talks in a funny language that none can understand.
2 :  Wears a peculiar track-suit of types.
3 :  Is good at getting into peoples houses without them knowing.
4 :  Has loads of electrical goods that nobody who gets them can trace.
5 :  Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
6 :  Only does one days work a year.

Laplander my crusty arse – Total Bollocks – The twat’s a scouser


PM Friday  23-December-2012:

Was in Tescos stuck behind long queue for check-out – x3 trolleys full of Xmas booze + Xmas Day scran + the gen party gear.
Little old lady behind only had a loaf.
I thought ‘spirit of Christmas is upon us, so did the decent thing and told here to fuck-off to another till as I was going to be ages.


PM Thursday  22-December-2011:

On the events of WikiLeaks past
Bad News:
If PayPal is suspended again like last year,  as/ last year, so will be your a/c .
Good News:
The Post Office are doing cheap postal orders again.
Happy Xmas 2011


PM Wednesday  21-December-2012:

Footlights News:

Jack & The Beanstalk Panto at Bradford Empire CANCELLED – The Giant can’t smell any Englishmen.  😐


AM Tuesday  20-December-2011:

Latest fashionable Xmas toy is a talking Muslim doll.
The down side is no one knows what it says as no bugger’s got the bottle to pull the cord .  😐


PM Monday  19-December-2011:


Dear Santa,
Don’t bother coming this year.
Please save the money you would have spent on my presents and give it to the poor African boys & girls who are trying to join us all here.
Please don’t think I’m a goody-goody, I’ve now got loads of stuff, more than I need and The Council won’t give us a bigger flat to store it all in.
Delroy (aged 8 1/2)


SUNDAY    18-December-2011.

Sabboth fert Christi’s – Not working – Go away.


AM Saturday  17-December-2011:

The wife’s not speaking to me just because I forgot to open the car door for her.  It was only when I had swum to the surface I remembered  . . . ……


AM Friday  16-December-2011:

Two Essex girls out Xmas shopping sniff sample at the perfume counter:

Sharon sprays on wrist:
That’s nice innit, don’t you fink Trace  –  It’s called  ‘Vien a Moi’
Tracy:  Wot the fuck does that mean Shaz ?
Assistant:  It’s French for  ‘Come to Me’
Tracy:  Don’t smell like cum to me does it to you Shaz ?


AM Thursday  15-December-2011:

Parliamentary Question Time:
Q:     What does Nick Clegg stand for ?
A:     Every time David Cameron comes into the room.


AM Wednesday  14-December-2011:

Found last week on Manchester Road:
Cocker Spaniel bitch
~ 6 months old
Blue collar but no tag
Very friendly
Tasted like chicken.


AM Tuesday  13-December-2011:

Me tart asked me if I had been having sex behind her back – ?
Who the fuck did she think it was ?


AM Monday  12-December-2011:

Bloke sees beautiful blonde about to jump off bridge.
He tries to calm her down and she tells him her parents don’t understand her and won’t accept her as she is  –  She is determined to jump.
Bloke:  Oh well,  if you’re so resolute,  give us a blow job before you do  –  So she does.
She:  That makes no difference I’m determined to do it.
Bloke:  Just what do your parents object to ?
She:  Wearing make-up and dressing as a girl    . . . ……    😐


SUNDAY    11-December-2011.

I’m fert sojourning – go away.


AM Saturday  10-December-2011:

I saw a bloke in Tesco this morning with his knob in a toilet roll
Fuckin Charmin I thought.


AM Friday  09-December-2011:

Just got back from hospital
They said I might have
but it’s hard to say

Apparently 6 out 7 dwarfs aren’’t Happy


AM Thursday  08-December-2011:

Honestly some people take offence at anything !
I met a bloke with one leg at the bus stop and all I asked him how he was getting on.  😐


AM Wednesday  07-December-2011:

Bloke goes up to woman sat at bar in a pub:
‘I’d like to fill your fanny with Stella and drink it down in one’
Aghast she jumps up and rushes over to here husband playing darts in the corner and tells him.
He carries on with his throw.
Aren’t you going to punch him ?
Nah, I’m not fighting any fucker who can drink 25 pints of Stella in a go.


AM Tuesday  06-December-2011:

Food Inspector in a bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to crimp the edges of apple tarts
Do you not have a tool for that Paddy ?


Not when I’m putting the holes in the doughnuts Mrs  . . . ………..


AM Monday  05-December-2011:

Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a Labrador
You silly twat, have you seen how many of the owners go blind ?


SUNDAY    04-December-2011.

Can’t be bottomed  –  IT IS SUNDAY  . . . …  zzzzzz


AM Saturday  03-December-2011:

! ! !    Fuck    ! ! !
Just got home and found all the doors and windows open and me gear gone     🙁    🙁    🙁
What kind of sick bastard does that to someone’s advent calendar  ? ? ? ? ? ?


AM Friday  02-December-2011:

Panto Season Footlights News:
A charity pantomime for paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos when someone shouted  HE’S BEHIND YOU !


PM Thursday  01-DECEMBER-2011:

Office Party Season is upon us.  Despite the light heartedness of these events and their consequential situations,  H&S must not be forgotten or discounted and full procedures are to be followed:

Above all you are reminded to apply the ‘Test For Suitability for Purpose’:
1 :  Face – Has it fallen on one side ?
2 :  Arms – Can the subject raise both to shoulder level and keep them there ?
3 :  Speech  –  Is it slurred ?
1:    1+3   are +ve
2:    2       is -ve

Then, and only then, is it time to get her knickers off – The rhollo&vodka’s kicked-in proper.


PM Wednesday  30-November-2011:


An Old Favourite:

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol/drugs etc

or,  as we prefer:

Reality is where the tea is.    🙂


AM Tuesday  29-November-2011:

Doctor in anatomy class with 1st year students:

There are 2 rules in dissection, the first being never be repulsed by anything of the human body.    With that,  he stuck a finger up the copses arse,  pulled it out and sucked ! ! !  😐

Several students faint,  the rest retch.

The second rule is observation;  I stuck my index finger up the subject,  and sucked my fourth.  🙂


AM Monday  28-November-2011:

Today is  ‘Transgender Remembrance Day’  in The US.
Have you any Yank shirtlifters you’ve forgotten ?
Should they bring it over here,  any Liberal councillors ?


SUNDAY    27-November-2011.

Did nowt today as well.


AM Saturday  26-November-2011:

Just back from holiday in Thailand

Came very, very close to finishing-up in bed with a ladyboy !

Looked like a tart, talked like a tart, walked like a tart, ashamed to say but just got to tell you, it kissed like a tart !

It was only when it drove me back to ‘her’ place and reversed the car into the garage first time, I thought to myself,  just  hang-on a minute   .  .  . . . . . .


AM Friday  25-November-2011:

Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left ?
None Miss, the others would fly away
Teacher the answers 4 but I like the way you think
I have a question for you Miss
There are 3 women eating ice cream cones:
1 licking
1 biting
1 sucking
Which one isn’t married ?
Teacher scratches head and answers:
They might all be so I’ll just take a guess at the one sucking
The answer is the one without the wedding ring but I like the way you think.  🙂


AM Thursday  24-November-2011:

Whoever said women can multi-task was talking total bollocks.
Told my tart to brew-up, sit down and shut-up.
She couldn’t manage any.  🙁


AM Wednesday  23-November-2011:

Terrorists are now planting bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti
If one of those explodes it could spell disaster.    😐


AM Tuesday  22-November-2011:

Got home to find the wife dead, slumped over the washing machine   .  .  . . . …
Well at least she died in comfort.  🙂


AM Monday  21-November-2011:

Paddy & Mary went for counselling after 25 years of marriage  .  . . . ….
Therapist asked what the problem was – ?
Mary had a list:
Neglect, loneliness + she felt unloved and unattractive  🙁
The therapist asked Mary to unbutton her blouse.
He then caressed her breasts and kissed her passionately –
she was sexually awakened and smiled for the first time in years  🙂
Paddy,  this is what your wife needs 3 times a week,  do you think you can manage it ?
Oi’ll give it a try.  I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go fishing on Fridays  ; -)


SUNDAY    20-November-2011.

Religious News:

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism ?
Bridy O’Thingy had to call The devil in to get the priest out of her son Paddy


AM Saturday  19-November-2011:

Went to see a ventriloquist show – certainly took me back some years –                                        Me Uncle Nobby were on the stage as a ventriloquist –
E were fukin’ shite.
Fer practice e used to sit me on is knee, put is fingers up me arse and told me not to say anything.


AM Friday  18-November-2011:

Military and Associated Trades:
New definition of bravery:
Coming home pissed @ 03.00 hrs,  covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,                        then slapping the wife on the arse and telling her:
You’re up for it next fatty.


AM Thursday  17-November-2011:

Bloke walking in cliffs hears cry for help
Looking over he sees the most beautiful blond he ever has seen hanging on for her life
I tried to commit suicide but bottled-out she says
Pull me up she says and I’ll give you a blow-job
He duly rescues her and gets the best suck of his life
Before they part company he asks why such a pretty woman as her should want to kill herself
My parents can’t reconcile themselves to me living as a girl she says  . . . ……  😐


AM Wednesday  16-November-2011:

Ego Reinforcement:

For The Gentlemen:
Police have found a man’s body in the park
Flushed complexion, flat feet, beer belly, saggy balls, small willy and a wrinkly arse
Residual smell of stale alcohol, flatulence and unwashed clothing
No money in his wallet
Text me back ASAP and let me know you’re OK – ?

For The Ladies:
Police have found a woman’s body in the park
Flushed complexion, flat feet, overflowing belly, small saggy tits, grossly large twinkle and a wrinkly arse
Residual smell of stale alcohol, flatulence and unwashed clothing
No money in her purse.
Text me back ASAP and let me know you’re OK – ?


AM Tuesday  15-November-2011:

Just got a job as an entertainer in old folks homes
Bless em, they don’t get half the jokes but they don’t half piss themselves laughing !


AM Monday  14-November-2011:

Woman about to to jump off Tower Bridge  🙁
Sailor sees her and shouts:
Don’t do it I’ll stow you away on ship and you can make a new life in Oz  🙂
6 weeks later she is found and brought before the captain
He asks:
Just what are you doing on my boat ?
She tells him the truth:
One of your sailors rescued me from a suicide attempt
He’s put me in the hold where its safe and lets me uses the old bathroom near the engine room
He’s bringing me 3 meals a day and shagging me regular
He’s going to put me ashore at Sydney when we get to Oz.
The captain replies:
I’m glad you find the accommodation and services provided to your satisfaction but
he’s shagging you alright – This is The Woolwich Ferry.  😐


SUNDAY    13-November-2011.

Gone ter Buxton fert day – DO NOT DISTURB


AM Saturday  12-November-2011:

Married couple staying overnight in hotel room with twin beds
Settling-down for the night the husband says:
I’m lonely !
Taking the hint she climbs out of the hers and promptly trips over suitcase
Concerned husband:
Oh did my little bunny fall and hurt her nosey-wosey ?
She gets up dusts herself down and they have passionate sex.
Afterwards she makes her way back and trips again !
Husband looks up:
You clumsy cow !


AM Friday  11-November-2011:

Was sat in a public toilet box having my ‘morning constitutional’
A voice came from the next cubicle:
Hello mate – how you doing ?
I thought it a bit strange but didn’t want to be rude so responded:
Not too bad thanks
After a short pause heard the voice again:
So what are you up to ?
I answered somewhat reluctantly:
Just having a quick shit thank you – how about you ?
From the next cubicle:
‘Sorry mate, must ring-off I’ll call you back,
I’ve got some queer twat in the next stall answering everything I say’  ! ! !   😐


AM Thursday  10-November-2011:

Two mates having a drink
One says to other:
If I went round to your house, shagged your wife and she got pregnant, would that makes us related ?
Dunno – ?  says the other
But it would certainly make us even.  🙂  🙂  🙂


AM Wednesday  09-November-2011:

The Queen is touring a hospital . . . ….
She looks in a side ward and sees a man masturbating with vigour  ! ! !
That’s awful she says to the accompanying consultant doctor  😐
Quick thinking he explains that the man has an incurable condition that causes a dangerous build up of semen which  must be released frequently.
Oh ! she exclaims,  and dismisses the incident as one of those things.
She again looks in another side ward and sees a man being sucked-off by a nurse !
Before she could comment the doctor quickly explains:
As/ the other Mam,  BUT he’s with BUPA.


AM Tuesday  08-November-2011:

I’m not normally suspicious but yesterday my wife told me
she had had Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack
Not exactly cause for concern usually but I had the car yesterday  .  .  . . . ……


AM Monday  07-November-2011:

Mary hits Paddy over the head
Be-Jesus, wot was that fer ?
I found a piece of paper in your pocket with  ‘Sexy Sarah’  written on it
That’s the name of a horse I bet on last week
A week later Mary hits him with the frying pan !
Wot the feck was that for ?
Your horse just phoned.  😐


SUNDAY    06-November-2011.

Church News:

What’s a  Catholic Priest  and a  Pint of Guinness  got in common ?
They’re both innocuous to look at  –  black coat + white collar
You quiet often get a dodgy one and if you do you have to watch your arse in both cases.


AM Saturday  05-November-2011:

You know when you’re getting old:
I was watching porn last night and found myself thinking
Woah – That bed looks comfy  .  .  . . . ….


AM Friday  04-November-2011:

Duck hunter trips and discharges his shotgun with edge of blast catching his genitals
He eventually gains consciousness to find himself lying in hospital bed
Doc gives him the verdict:
The  Bad News  is there was some pretty extensive damage to your penis
The  Good News  is I’m going to refer you to my Sister
Is she a specialist plastic surgery ?
No she’s leading flautist in The Hallé
She’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over your face


AM Thursday  03-November-2011:

2 blokes playing golf
1 is about to tee-off when they see a funeral cortège passing the course
He stops on mid swing, takes of his cap, bows his head and makes the sign of the cross
His mate sees his observances:
That is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen
His mate responds:
Well we were married for 30 years


AM Wednesday  02-November-2011:

Bought me missus a dildo yesterday
She said it looked like a carrot which is ironic because her fanny looks like a donkey’s.            🙁    🙂


AM Tuesday  01-NOVEMBER-2011:

Little Billy,  the smallest vampire bat in the cave,  arrives back home the morning after Halloween
with his face, mouth and teeth covered in blood !
All the other bats quickly cluster and crowd around asking him where he got it from ???
OK OK OK back-off, says Bill, then after recovering his breath,  follow me you lot:
Off they fly, over the hill, over the river and into the deep dark forest . . . …
Turning the swarm in mid flight and roosting them on a handy tree branch,  Billy turns to them:
See that, the gnarled, twisted old oak tree over there ?  says Billy
! OH YES YES YES !  the others express in eager anticipation  . . . …
Well I fucking didn’t.                                                                                                                                 Billy.


AM Monday  31-October-2011:

I wish to pray a small favour:
Do hope I’m not too late,  and no doubt and most prob lots of others have already asked,
but is there any chance you could lend me your face for Halloween ?


SUNDAY    30-October-2011.


Go away . . ….  I’m preparing to get out of me coffin termorrer  . . . ……


AM Saturday  29-October-2011:


Only someone who understands something absolutely

can explain it so no one else understands it.


AM Friday  28-October-2011:

Two old ladies having tea in town
One asks other:
Did you come on that rattly bus ?
Other replies:
Oh yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack !


AM Thursday  27-October-2011:

Old lady asked by hospital admission:
‘Have you ever been bed ridden’
She replies:
Oh many many times  . . . …
I’ve also been
table ended, back scuttled, team handed, DP’d and spit roasted
but this is the first time I’ve been in hospital – Can I have a bed near the window please ?


AM Wednesday  26-October-2011:

Old lady boards bus at same time every day and gives driver a small open bag of peanuts.
Driver eventually asks why ?
Old Lady:  I only like the chocolate around them.  😐


AM Tuesday  25-October-2011:

Grand-dad cooks deer for dinner for all the family,  doesn’t tell the grandkids what it is,  but gives them one clue when asked:    ‘It’s what your Grandmother calls me when she’s in a good mood.  Youngest lad shouts-up to others:    You lot can have mine  –  I’m not eating bell-end for anyone.  😐


AM Monday  24-October-2011:


A little old lady answered a knock on the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman
He tips a bucket of horse shit on the carpet and says I’ll eat any the machine doesn’t pick-up
I’ll get you a large spoon she says we haven’t got electricity here

(One for the kids of all ages and classes)


SUNDAY    23-October-2011:

Sunday School Exam Questions:

If The Church of England is
‘The Tory Party at prayer’
It follows that The Tory Party is
‘The Church of England at politics’
This now beggars the inevitable question:
Is Boris  God’s incarnation on earth ?
Is God  Boris’s in Heaven ?

Bless You.


AM Saturday  22-October-2011:

Fat Tracy in supermarket queue  –  MT goes-off  –  ! LOUDLY !
Her little lad turns round and warns everyone to take it as her reversing siren
It’ll be Sharon again – ‘Have you got me any cream cakes ?’


AM Friday  21-October-2011:

Police dog handler pulls over scouser in car
Dog sticks nose through window and sniffs
Scouser smacks dog on head
Rozzer:  Before I arrest you,  why you smack dog ?
Scouser:  Your bastard hound was going to eat my tax disk so I slowed it down so I got there first.


AM Thursday  20-October-2011:

Hi it’s me,  your mobile
Haven’t got a message for you,  I just want you to take me out of your pocket because your farting’s really getting to me today.  🙁


AM Wednesday  19-October-2011:

Shawn is stuck on a crossword puzzle clue.
Paddy:  Wot’s the prob ?
Shawn:  No 3 Across  –  A  flightless bird from Iceland  –  6 + 7 words
Paddy:  That’s easy  –
Frozen Chicken.


AM Tuesday  18-October-2011:

Just had a call from The Police:
I’m very sorry to tell you sir,  your house has been broken into, all your booze has been drunk and your wife raped.  😐
Can’t believe anyone would do that officer after only 48 cans of Special Brew – ? ? ?


AM Monday  17-October-2011:

German dwarf pick-up tart
Before he starts he puts a spring on each elbow and knee then shags her all night
Phew, says the girl, how did your manage that ?
Ah, Fier Sprung Dwarf Teknik !


SUNDAY    16-October-2011:



AM Saturday  15-October-2011:

Told me tart to turn her head away at end of blow job
Does she  listen ?
It just goes in one ear and out the other


AM Friday  14-October-2011:

US Political News:
Now Hillary Clinton has given-up on her presidency bid her and Bill are opening a diner
It’s to be called ‘Suck-It & See’  with a leading meal-deal dish of  ‘Over The Hill’
Turkey based, it’s a little breast with plenty of fat piled on a wobbling rump of opinion
All finished by a wrap-up of roly-poly pudding – glazed.  😐


AM Thursday  13-October-2011:

Shawn sees Paddy in the street.
Paddy close your curtains when you’re shagging the wife –
Shawn:  All the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday !
Paddy:  The laughs on them – I wasn’t home yesterday !


AM Wednesday  12-October-2011:

Sorry haven’t been in touch for a bit – lost your phone number. 🙁
Tried you a few times –
Dialled your speed-dial ID ‘Cunt’ into me phone directory,
but it kept coming back with David Cameron.  🙁  🙁 🙁


AM Tuesday  11-October-2011:

Deductive didactics are only to be used in cases of severe constipation


AM Monday  10-October-2011:

New Parliamentary Year – Michaelmas Sitting.

ODA : Our Political Editor Comments:
On the occasion of either
Some poor deluded MP fresher standing-up in The House to raise question
Or (far more probable):
The usual smart, slimy, grubbing low-level lobby-fodder MP pandering to the lowest common vote:

Back Benchers Question Time:
‘Will we ever have cheap fuel again ?’
Rt Hon Rose Coloured-Glasses. MP For Noddyshire.

ODA Writes:
Cheap Fuel ? Cheap Fuel ?   CHEAP, FUCKING . . . GARLIC FUCKIN FUEL  ???????????????????????
Well Poly-Fuckin-Anna I really think you’ve lost the plot this time:
Anything cheap you cunts in Whitehall get their grubby hands on they’ll then tax back-up to the hilt again,
thus continuing another of the imposed perennial strains of serfdom on the taxpayer and forcing the poor twat to run ever faster in his never ending treadmill of despair and futility.
Stop pandering to the lowest intelligences in the land for your squalid votes and and get your free publicity elsewhere.
Old :    Ed.


SUNDAY    09-October-2011:

Gone zz’g


AM Saturday  08-October-2011:

Granny goes into new nursing home:                                                                                         Attentive nurses sit Granny on chair for reli’ visit.
She leans to one side and the nurses straighten her up.
She leans to other side and they do it again.
Reli’s arrive and ask Gran how things are ?
All OK but the bastards won’t let you fart.  🙁


AM Friday  07-October-2011:

The wife’s been missing for a week now and The Police have told me to expect the worse.  🙁
So I’ve been down the charity shop and bought her clothes back.  🙁  🙁  🙁


AM Thursday  06-October-2011:

A ship sinks with only 3 survivors : Albert, Fred and Daisy
They swim to a small deserted island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally
but Daisy feels so bad having sex with both of them that she kills herself
The boys are naturally sad and upset but they get over it, and again, nature takes it course
After a few months the lads really feel bad about what they are doing  .  .  . . . .
So they bury her.


AM Wednesday  05-October-2011:

I’ve just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.  😐

Only asked for a bomber jacket  –  Touchy bastards.  🙁


AM Tuesday  04-October-2011:

Plod is walking down Piccadilly towards Deansgate
On reaching the end of The Gardens he comes across a dead horse in the street
And what have we here, he ponders ?
Oh well, all part of the day, better get it reported and takes out notebook
‘I was proceeding in a northerly direction and coming to the end of  Picadily  Pickadilly  Piccadilie  Pikidelly
Oh fuck-it,  he thinks,  gets hold of the tail and drags it into Tib Street.  🙂


AM Monday  03-October-2011:

Rolled over last night but the wife said she had a gyno appointment in the morning  🙁
Didn’t matter really  –  She didn’t have a dental appointment as well  🙂


SUNDAY    02-October-2011.

Closed For Repairs  (of us)


AM Saturday  01-OCTOBER-2011:

Moses and Becky are on holiday in Jerusalem when poor Mo suddenly dies
Local Funeral Director:
It’ll cost £5000 to ship him back home or £500 to bury him here.
Becky has a think and quickly decides:
Ship him home.
How unusual Madam, you must be distraught, why not bury him here in The Holy Land of our origins
and save the money ?
A long time ago your ancestors buried a man here and 3 days later he arose from the dead   .  . …  I just don’t want to take that fucking chance.


AM Friday  30-September-2011:

SO-SO-SO    .  .  .  . . . . ……  THE END of MONTH SURREAL ONE:

We note the loading of this stream of pure enlightenment is now in month 6.                                With mind to our initial entry, we offer from our Akademik Humanities Correspondent –                      Phil O’Sophical:

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

The Ed writes:                                                                                                                                     Let’s have a good old surreal one / 1/4 at least,  or less  :  Monthly/Weekly ?                               Old :


AM Thursday  29-September-2011:

Bloke goes into sex shop and asks for a blow-up doll.
Male or Female  asks the assistant  ?
He:  Female
She:  Black or white or asian yellow ?
He selects:  White please.
She:  Christian or Muslim ?
He:  Wot’s that got to do with it ?
The Muslim one blows itself up and the Christian always feels sorry after sir.  😐


AM Wednesday  28-September-2011:

Bloke lying in bed with new Thai wife who’s stroking his willy all night.
Do you really like my willy that much,  he asks.
Not quite that much,  she replies.
It’s just that it reminds me of mine . . . ……  😐  🙁  😐


AM Tuesday  27-September-2011:

Paddy and Shamus in pub watching evening TV news.
Main story – Bloke about to jump off Barton Bridge.
I bet you £20 he’ll jump
Your on.
With that the bloke jumps  🙁
Paddy, mortified, hands Shamus his £20
I can’t take your money Paddy,  I saw it earlier on the lunchtime news.
So did I, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.


AM Monday  26-September-2011:

Ordered a Chinese last night
Chink turned up at door – £20 prease
I smiled and asked:
Can you name Jordan’s blind son ?
Harvey Price
Cheers Ting Tong – here’s a tenner now fuck-off


SUNDAY    25-September-2011.



AM Saturday  24-September-2011:

Two blokes in pub:
1st:  I wouldn’t feel happy/safe on a plane with a female pilot.
2nd:  Sexist twat !
It’s not as if she’d have to reverse the fucking thing.


AM Friday  23-September-2011:

Advertising Standards:
Bought a packet of sausages at Sainsburys
On front was picture of Jamie Oliver
On rear was ‘Prick with fork’
I admire their honesty.


AM Thursday  22-September-2011:

Plods knock at blokes door and he opens:
I’m terribly sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.  🙁
I know, but she’s got a lovely personality and she’s a bloody fine cook and wonderful with the kids.  🙂


AM Wednesday  21-September-2011:

The wife phoned:
You’d better come to the hospital quick, me mother’s dying
For fucks sake I was about to switch the telly on and watch United playing City in the mid week Derby !
Record it and watch it later.
What a terrifically good idea I thought,
so I leathered it down to the hospital,  set up me vid camera on the tripod
and just about made it into the ground for kick-off.    🙂  🙂  🙂


AM Tuesday  20-September-2011:

Plod sees 2 queers up a back-ginnel – shagging.    😐
He runs in but only catches one
Tell me where yer mate gone or I’ll shove this truncheon up your arse
A voice comes out of the gloom – Over here in the wheely bin – Me first !


AM Monday  19-September-2011:

Wondering why you can’t get decent train services these days in UK is rather like
Hitler wondering why he couldn’t get a decent bagel in 1945 Berlin   . . . ……  ? ? ?


SUNDAY    18-September-2011.

Gone to Mosque  (all tastes catered for)

Couldn’t hear the organ and the hymns were crap, but it takes all sorts.    🙂


PM Saturday  17-September-2011:

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
Passive aggressive disorder
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
No more beer thank you.
No thanks I’m married.
Sorry you’re not my type.
No I don’t want to see your tits.
No thank you I don’t want my willy sucking.
Please don’t sit on my face I’ve got asthma.


AM Friday  16-September-2011:

Got an E-Mail from:
‘Bored Housewife looking for hot steamy action !’
I sent her me ironing;  that should keep the idle bitch happy for a bit.  🙂


AM Thursday  15-September-2011:

Driving to work this morning a woman putting on her make-up driving a bmw drove past me at about 90 mph
It scared me so much I dropped my leccy shaver and fag on me bacon butty on me lap, then instinctively move me head and me moby fell off me shoulder and into me coffee I was holding between me knees and splashed me shirt !
Fuck-Me ! I nearly pranged !


AM Wednesday  14-September-2011:

Me gobby thin neighbour’s always having a go at me for me weight
Last night:
Eh-oop lad,  how come you keep getting fatter ?
Because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit.


AM Tuesday  13-September-2011:

Saw me mate coming out of the doctors looking very, very worried
On enquiry he told me he’d just been told he’d been he had  ‘The Big C’    🙁  🙁  🙁
Cancer ? I asked in confirmation.
No, dyslexia,  he replied.


AM Monday  12-September-2011:

All blokes hope that on wedlock they are marrying a nymphomaniac
It might well be true for many at the time but unfortunately for all
after a year or two the nympho leaves but the maniac remains.  🙁


SUNDAY    11-September-2011.

YE SABBATH  (But no Ozzy today thank you – Want to sleep-in)


PM Saturday  10-September-2011:

The wife bought me a tub of ice-cream.  🙂
How hard is it I asked ?
It’s as hard as your willy when you think of me she replied.
Oh go on then, pour me a glass.  😐


PM Friday  09-September-2011:

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman and a Frog and a Latvian and a Turker and Yank and a etc
go into a club
The owner bars them – You can’t come in here without a Thai.


PM Thursday  08-September-2011:

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vets saying it has epilepsy  🙁
Vet looks at the fish:
Looks fit enough to me Paddy – ?
Oi, hang on, Oi’ve not got him out of the bowl yet   . . . ……


PM Wednesday  07-September-2011:

On Cold Calling:
A young lady phones from Barton Mobility and asks me if I have any trouble getting out of the bath ?
Only when I’m pissed love.


PM Tuesday  06-September-2011:

My lad’s been thrown out of his current school for getting a girl in his class to give him a blow job
I’ve told him straight –
That’s 3 schools you’ve been thrown out of for the same thing
You’ll have to stop this or they’ll ban you from teaching.


PM Monday  05-September-2011:

Little lad arrives home from start of school year full of beans:
Dad I’ve been given a part in the school play playing a bloke who’s been married 25 years
Never mind son, next time you might get a speaking part.


SUNDAY    04-September-2011.

Went to Church + Mosque + Schule  (all tastes catered for)


AM Saturday  03-September-2011:

Swiss squaddie friend of mine recently married his childhood sweetheart during his National Service.
A local girl she can wash with one hand, cook with the other, dust with one foot whilst sucking his willy and opening a bottle of beer with her arse + peeling potatoes with her fanny.
He says she’s nothing special.
Just a typical Swiss Army Wife.


AM Friday  02-September-2011:

David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night.
He found his way into the local knocking shop and accosted the madam.
I’m The Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some quality time with one of your ladies or even your good self ?
Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, pants as low as my profits, your dick as hard as the times we’re living through and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the same way as you have the pensioners, then it won’t cost you a fuckin penny.


AM Thursday  01-SEPTEMBER-2011:

Need your advice:
Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40
Is that two deer ?


AM Wednesday  31-August-2011:

A Surreal Spot:

We note the loading of this stream of pure enlightenment is now to end of Month 1 of writing proper. With mind to our initial entry, we offer from our Akademik Humanities Correspondent –                        Phil O’Sophical:

So, for your considerations,  or not if the below is created by such    –    etc etc etc

Jean-Paul Sartre,  the French Existentialist
sits down at table at his favourite café
Can I get you something Monsieur Sartre ?
Coffee please, sugar but no cream
I’m terribly sorry Monsieur Sartre, we have no cream to offer
Should I make your coffee with no milk instead ?

Velly nice that one.    :-))))))



AM Tuesday  30-August-2011:

I’ve started to plan me own funeral.
Opening hymn, No 545, one which you’ll all be familiar with:
‘Chief of Sinners Though I Be’
To be followed by:
‘Come, Shepherds Come’
And ending with:
‘And Sheep Shall Safely Graze’
Flowers welcome.
There will also be a silver collection in aid of The Little Sisters of The Frustrated
Please give generously.


AM Monday  29-August-2011:

Whisky & Ice will strain your heart
Vodka & Ice will ruin your kidneys
Rum & Ice will damage your liver
Gin & Ice will degrade your memory and affect your eyesight
Iced Tea / Coca-Cola / Pepsi / Red Bull & Ice will degrade your teeth
Warn all your friends forthwith – This could save a life
Remember what sank The Titanic.


SUNDAY    28-August-2011.

Day off.    🙂


AM Saturday  27-August-2011:

Inside Story – News From Norway:
Contract camera crew have let be known that the filming of the latest Fox’s Glacier Mint commercial didn’t come-off quite as expected    . . . ……


AM Friday  26-August-2011:

Just a few years of the No Smoking ban and 10,000 pubs have disappeared
Just think what would happen if they banned curry    ? ! ? ! ? !


AM Thursday  25-August-2011:

Rochdale News:
Squat toilets are to be put in the town centre public bogs fert Pakis (aka The Asian community)
The place is going down the pan.    🙁


AM Wednesday  24-August-2011:

If 186,363 miles/second is the speed of light
What’s the speed of dark ?


AM Tuesday  23-August-2011:

Slimmers World
Fat tart goes to doctors and asks:
What are the easiest exercise I can do to loose weight ?
At certain times just shake your head.
What certain times ?
Every time some bugger offers you food you fat twat.


AM Monday  22-August-2011:

The US Fed Credit Rating has been downgraded to
Regular, Easy on The Mayo and Hold The Fries.


SUNDAY    21-August-2011.

Services For The Day:  Evensong
The lesson today is taken from The Book Laviciousness
ChI  V1:
When I was a child I spake as a child
When I was I man, I tried it on but the little fuckers saw straight through me.
A silver collection will now be taken.
After the service Mrs Cameron will doing teas in the Scout Hut
Mrs Clegg will be doing the washing up.


AM Saturday  20-August-2011:

What’s the difference between Fergie and and hippopotamus ?
One’s got a fat arse and a big mouth
The other lives in Africa.


AM Friday  19-August-2011:

In light of the foreseen ‘knock-on’ crash of the Asian Financial Markets, The US Fed Reserve CEO (ex navy) has made the following comment of observation to Japan:
Now let’s see how you like all them fuckin’ Zero’s.


AM Thursday  18-August-2011:


! D A V I D    C A M A R O N !
Where have you been AND where did you get those new trainers from ??????
(David’s Mum)


AM Wednesday  17-August-2011:


! I have a dream, I have a dream !
That one day, all black people, and poor whites too, will own Plasma TV’s and dress in Armanni and the latest trainers.
Martin Looter King.


AM Tuesday  16-August-2011:


Parish Notices:
Chester Ho (Old Trafford) have unexpectedly withdrawn their kind offer of the use of a corner of their car park for our annual bring & buy car boot sale in aid of poor African orphans
No explanation was given, however Mr Fahey has let it be known that if anyone has one of those nice new B&O 62″ plasma sets they want to move, he’ll be in The Lakes after 22.00hrs tonight.
Yours in The Faith,
Pastor Urised.
The Little Tin Mission Charity Shop, Stall 666, Bay-E, Scally Open Market,
Moss Side.


AM Monday  15-August-2011:


Birmingham City Council are to rename the street where those 3 Pakis were knocked down:
Skittle Ali
Please reprogramme your Sat Navs accordingly.


SUNDAY    14-August-2011:

! Open For The Emergency !


Dear Norway,
Can we borrow your Anders Behring Breivik and a big bag of bullets for a couple of days ?
Cameron D.
(44 3/4)


AM Saturday 13-August-2011:


! Little Whoopsies !
Looked out if the window and saw a White Van Man, bold as brass, in broad daylight, staggering down our street carrying a brand new TV.
He wasn’t going to get at my gaff – Got me shovel and banjoed the bugger right round the back of the head and took the telly back to the Argos shop on the label.
I take this opportunity of most sincerely anthologising to them and wishing their delivery driver a speedy recovery.


AM Friday  12-August-2011:


The Met Police have decided to use water cannons at last
They’ll be the same as/ those used in N Ireland but with the addition of Persil to stop the coloureds running.


AM Thursday  11-August-2011:


To: Human Resources Dept – AP’s R Us, Somewhere-in-Whitehall.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Much as we applaud your Sub-Contractors dynamic approach to site clearance, we must most strongly make reproach to you concerning Operatives general attitude to H&S at large and in particular their general lack, but for face protection, of PPE.
If the appropriate sign usual :
NO Hard Hat
NO Hi-Viz
NO Capped Boots
were to be erected at site prior to the start of works, then then it would have a dramatic affect on all aspects of safety for all of the proceedings.
I further respectfully remind you of your Main Contractors obligations usual to provide suitable equipment for the operation particular in hand,
Eye & Ear Protection + Barrier Creams & Gloves etc as appropriate to situation.
In view of your exemplary conduct in the past, please consider this an Advisory Memo, however should further lapses be noted you will be put on the naughty step until home time.
Yours In Health,
Mouse A. (Ms)
H&S Exec.
Blackberry Suite,
Tickbox Level,
The Deep Bunker,


AM Wednesday  10-August-2011:


To draw attention away from rioting in central London and direct youthful energy to more ‘community based’ projects, Boris has announced the introduction of a new soccer team:
Tottenham Hotspot.


AM Tuesday  09-August-2011:


HM FO to HM HO Internal Memo:
ref Yours Last 11.11 hrs today inst:
Thank you advising we should increase security at our Whitehall offices because your natives are revolting
Twas but it ever thus so ? – That’s why we work abroad.


PM Monday  08-August-2011:


What a contrary world we live in
If you shoot a Polar Bear in Norway, you’re a hero
If you shoot a Baboon in Tottenham, the whole troupe kicks-off


SUNDAY    07-August-2011.

! Open For The Emergency !


The new Planet of The Apes film is amazing !
No wait, my mistake, I’m watching an RT News Crew broadcast from Piccadilly !


AM Saturday  06-August-2011:


Funny how darkies can run for miles with a 60″ plasma telly under one arm, a DVD player under the other and case of booze balanced on their heads, but ask them to go 5 miles for water and it’s whinge, whinge, whinge !

Alternatively, for a balanced view at our integrated society:
Curious how white working class now never work,
indeed never get out of bed except when they’re thieving,
then, they immediately go into competition mode, take pride in the job and outshine the rest    . . . ……


AM Friday  05-August-2011:


Stock Market Tip of The Day:
Pilkington Glass prefs.


AM Thursday  04-August-2011:


London’s burning
London’s burning
Boris’s closer
Cameron’s closer
A tissue
A tissue
All fall down.


AM Wednesday  03-August-2011:

Paddy is taking a group of Yanks sea fishing
One asks:
Why do divers always fall backwards off the side of the boat ?
‘Cause if the didn’t they’d still be on der feckin boat yer numb cunt.


AM Tuesday  02-August-2011:

Marriage Guidance Councillor to couple:
Tell me something you have in common
After long silence the husband answers:
Neither of us suck dick.


AM Monday    01-AUGUST-2011:     Dah Dah etc



Please forward this message to someone you know who fits the bill and deserves it.
(I’ve been getting the fucker every 20 – 30 seconds for the past 9 hours)

1st Job – As we’re starting to load this page so to start the ball rolling,  aka ‘populate ye page’:

Baby monkey to his mum:
Why do we look so ugly Mum ?
Son just be grateful, you should see the poor twat reading this text.  🙂

(_!_)        JUST A REGULAR ARSE
(__!__)        FAT ARSE
(!)        SMART ARSE
(_*_)        TIGHT ARSE
(_o_)        WELL USED
(_e=mc2_)    SMART ARSE
(_X_)        KISS MY ARSE


One that’s very dear to my heart, I venture same to many others, including Kev T’s as well,
(He gave the cheeky fucker a good hiding,  but that’s another story)
To return to the message:
The TV License Man came round this morning accusing me of owning a TV set  (Bollocks)
I told him the truth –  NO I FUCKING HAVEN’T – FUCK-OFF.
To give him credit,  he stood his ground pointing-out I’ve got a TV ariel on roof.
(True – A remnant of the previous tenant actually)
1: I’ve got a bottle of milk in the fridge – It doesn’t mean to say I’ve got a cow in the back garden.
2: Further – I’ll make sure you get a parking place for your detector van –

Glossop Lad on Driving Test:
Can you make a U-Turn ?
Occasionally,  but I always make their eyes water.  🙂

Mosley couple coming out of Divorce Court:
She is very obviously most distraught and upset – crying her eyes out.  🙁                                              He:                                                                                                                                                                      Don’t get so worked-up – It’s not the end of the world,                                                                      I’ll still see you and talk to you, after all you’re still me sister when all said and done.  😐

Paddy and Mick’s hobby is tracing  their family trees.                                                              They’re over to England looking for records of ancestors who emigrated from Ireland during The Great Potato Famine and came over to look for work  .  .  . . . ….   The pair find themselves wondering around  St Georges church yard,  Heaviley,  Stockport  looking at the grave stones:
Feck me Mick dere’s a bloke here who was 181 !
Wot was his name ?
Miles  –  From London.

Aviation News:
Ryanair have entered a bid for The New Salford Airport.
Their survey dept found the whole site, up to the boundaries with Manc, Trafford etc valued at 3 Euros* and decided it was worth the risk.
[*One way – Use of bog extra]
Unfortunately recent site clearance works have increased the price and they’re having a whip round for the 50p premium now being applied.


A Fish Joke:
A Surrealist.



2011 : Feb+Mar

Anglo-Saxon Chronicles:
Ship named after a pork sausage  –  HM Cumberland
sent to stand-off Libya to rescue trapped Brits.  🙂


2011: ~Feb and >

ref  Ye ‘Arab Spring’ that’s still rolling along:
Bad News For Some:
Observations on current political situation in lands various:

1:  Algeria, Tunisia, , Egypt, Bahrain, Libya, Saudi Arabia
have all had Yank CIA sponsored and supported fellow traveller regimes.
2:  Those gvts have all had to put ‘riot-police’ + tanks into their capital city main streets + squares + diverse locales other in attempt to stop overthrow.
3:   The gvts of the 1st 4 countries have capitulated.
To date the 5th looks as though it might well go same.
The 6th has clamped-down so fast and hard that farting permits are impossible to obtain.
3:  The above looks like spreading everywhere The US has had its hand in.
4:  UK has just committed more squaddies and kit of flavours various to Affyland.
To keep them company they’ve sent them X* squadrons of nice tanks.
(Thought to be x7* ?  –  If you have the info DON’T correct what is a guessed figure; we won’t publish –
it’ll just put risk on the squaddies)
5:  What’s left of UK’s HM’s
Coast Guard, Port Authorities, C&E (or whatever they’re calling themselves this week),
The Usual Suspects (aka HM Constabulary),
all declare they haven’t the faintest idea how many guns have been smuggled into the country;

from  Our Foreign Political Correspondent:
Ben Ghazi


2010 : Dec

Leaking Wike’s:

In the light of the international gvts various reaction to an appeal for funds for WikeLeaks:
PayPals’s service has been suspended, and so has your a/c.  🙁
Good News:
The GPO are doing cheap PO’s.  😐
Happy Xmas
WikiLeaks.   X.


2010 : Nov

Vatican News
! Stop Press ! Hr Pope was going to make a speech in Rome about using condoms, but he cancelled thinking it was better to pull out at the last minute.

In light of the recent relaxation of doctrine towards barrier contraception by The/Herr Pope, E-Bay are now offering priest flavoured condoms.  😐  🙁  😐

! Stop Press! Hr Pope has withdrawn his offer of condoms for Ireland stating there was no need as they’ve been so well fucked by the EU  . . . ……

Court Circular
At last Prince William is to marry Kate Middleton
At last, a stamp you can lick with pleasure  🙂


2010 : ~Sep

! Islamic Aid !
ref  Egypt / Tunisia etc  Local Unpleasantness  earlier in the year:
Calling all right minded folk to support the Muslim Brotherhood !
(I’m going over right away)
These poor battered people NEED YOUR HELP NOW !
Despite all the upheavals and depredations they’ve had to endure,                                             some twat’s gone and sent Tony Blair over.    🙁  🙁  🙁


2010 : Summer

On the occasion of England’s glorious defeat in the World Cup:

England’s got a new manager  for the next one:
Some old geezer called Bernard Montgomery.

Ah, now where was I – ?
Ach Ja:
Uber alles,
For you Tommy,
Der piss-up is over.

Show Biz News:
David Blaine, the escapologist, is totally distraught after learning his standing record of doing fuck-all in a box for 42 days has been shattered by Wayne Rooney.

Bankrupt Stock Clearance:
65 million red, white and blue Vuvuzalas :
10/- ono.
Or will exchange for 3 cans of paint (black+red+yellow)

Catholic Herald  Vatican News  on the proposed visit of His Holiness to UK:
The Pope’s proposed visit to UK in Sept 2010 is going to cost the GB taxpayer £4KK
That is thought to work-out @ ~£20K / choirboy
(measured @ cp std* average consumption rate)
Shurely this is more than enough argument for allowing in cheap Polish labour ?
*Cardinal Puff std to BS 6969(101)
(Measured @NTP)


2010 : May

Gen Election:

ref  Labour Gvt Negotiations with Lib Dems to form coalition Gvt
The only thing they managed to agree on is that Tony Blair was to be brought back as
Chief Bullshitter IC.,  as none of them can possibly follow a class act like that.  😐


2009 : May

On That Nasty Fritzel Case:
That poor Austrian woman locked in der keller for 24 years and subjected to indescribable indignities,  has just spoken for the first time since her ordeal:
She asked  :  Have City won anything yet ?

Commonwealth Games News:
Gold Medal Winner  Caster Semenya  is furious after having to take a gender test
She has loudly protested saying:
After all my efforts, sacrifice and success on the track, this just comes as a kick in the bollocks

This weeks S Afrikan Hit Parade No1:
‘Stand By Your Man’



Millennium Court Records:
If the jury would kindly let me explain in full:
What I really should have said to the officer was that I had blown the head gasket on my   1987 Ford,  rather than saying I had just fucked a 13 year old escort.    😐



Oportet Operam Dore
However,  me thinks,  it just depends what you’re working at.    😐
Old :

And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.


An Inverse But Still Tasteful Marketing Promotion:

Or the girl gets it !
(I wish – PLEASE don’t tell Mrs Ed)

ie  Your chance to comment


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All times noted to writings to    >Railway Time=London Greenwich   * PROPER.
None of that funny foreign  ‘Eastern Seaboard Time’  etc
(Which they use in Southend)
or even any of that  UDT.                                                                                                                        (Lark wot owr milkman ‘as)

* GMT.  +  When in season, easy-read BST.
(Which surprisingly contains no added E-Numbers, hydrogenated oils or salt
and is thought to be non-fattening and harmless to animals)
May Might Does not contain nuts.
(Noted for the sake of any passing plebs who may might be considering it
for referral to their social worker as grounds for their next claim)

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