ODA : Illustrating The Continuity of Crap
ODA : Distinguishing between The Stick and The Beater
If No News Is Good News,
How Is It They Keep Manufacturing It ?
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sic JOKES
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THIS PAGE : TRUE REPORTS
You just couldn’t make them up – So we’ll take them to be as/ reported to or seen by us.
TRUTH – IT IS STRANGER THAN FICTION, SO HERE IT IS:
However, firstly – The Acknowledgements:
These pieces/ info have come to us as true from sources various of others
+
a few of our own observations.
but are not a regular *plagiarism exercise and not taken from any pub other particular;
More of a ‘wot strikes our fancy when it does’ filled page.
Indeed many of the pieces come to us anecdotally and some are our own observations.
Many other pubs do do similar to this – Especially dear, dear dear Private Eye
with especial note to their ‘Funny Old World’
(HIGHLY Recommended)
For Ours Below:
1: *Where known, source and first knowledge of piece/ info acknowledged + referenced.
2: We it take that the info got from sources is true.
If any found not to be so, they will be corrected / removed with fitting apology published.
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2013:
Monday 20-May-2013:
Weekend Outside Parliament
Lord Feldman today denies neither he nor anyone else called Tory Party bedrock grass-root / local party members as ‘Swivell-Eyed Loons’ at a dinner party held during the past weekend.
(sic)
CREDITS:
Source: Just about all news carriers in UK
Date: Monday 20-May-2013.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TODAY IN PARLIAMENT (sic)
HANSARD:
PMQ’s
‘Can The PM confirm that ATOS have found Richard III fit and able for work ?’
(sic)
A. Member.
(sic)
CREDITS:
Source: dear Dear DEAR Andy F. + Hansard
Date: Wednesday 06-February-2013.
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A Belgian granny who planned a 80km (50 miles in proper money) road trip to Brussels Noord Station to pick-up a friend finished up in the Croatian capital Zagreb (1450km / 905 miles nom’) after faithfully following her sat-nav directions.
CREDITS:
Source: The Register Online Mag
Date: Wednesday 16-January-2013.
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2012:
ODA take on this one:
Very, Very Crass. Very, Very, Funny !
i-Phone i-Tunes News:
Jimmy Savile Ringtones for Mobile Phones !
4th best seller to date !
CREDITS:
Source: The Register Online Mag
Date: Tuesday 30-October-2012.
==================================================
ODA take on this one:
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
Seen in Newport, Gwent, Wales:
Harley Davidson motor bike bearing the notice:
‘Bomb Technician.
If you see me running, try and keep up’
CREDITS:
Source: My mate Brian
Date: 2012-Sometime in September
==================================================
ODA take on this one:
McCorporate Crassness in its Ultimate Form.
We publish in full below directly from The Register Online Mag:
‘McFlurry McMisdemeanour costs Welsh lass McJob’
‘A 19-year-old Welsh lass has been relieved of her McJob after giving a fellow worker at the Llangunnor tentacle of the fast-food monolith an extra dose of chocolate pieces on a McFlurry.
“Exceptional” employee Sarah Finch, of Kidwelly, Carmarthenshire, was given her McMarching orders after responding to a colleague’s request to “make it a nice one”, and ill-advisedly sprinkled unauthorised choc nuggets onto the ice cream dessert.
The recipient of the sugary treat was, mercifully, paying for the dessert, so presumably escaped a plank-walking. Finch, however, was sacked for gross misconduct, according to this WalesOnline report.
Before her fall from grace, Ms Finch – who’d been with McDonald’s for 18 months and earned “an average of £180 a week for between 30 to 35 hours work in a shift pattern” – was rated as an above-average employee.
Managers’ appraisal comments included: “You are very polite and friendly to all customers, even when they can be trying. Your smile is very welcoming.”
Llangunnor burger aficionados will now have to do without Finch’s welcoming smile, while she applies herself to the task of claiming unfair dismissal.
In her submission to an employment tribunal, Finch asserts: “I was dismissed on the grounds of gross misconduct. I was accused of stealing food. However the matter was trivial, in that I provided a fellow employee, who was purchasing a dessert, a generous sprinkling of chocolate pieces.
“There is no standard for such measures, and they are always imprecise, and will vary among customers. My colleague had asked me to ‘make it a nice one’, and so the measure I gave erred on the side of more than, rather than less than, the mean.
“The issue was that I had done this in response to a specific request for someone I actually knew. Had it not been in response to a request, or it was someone I did not know, then I do not believe there would have been even a warning.
“It is common practice, for example, for managers to give away food to disgruntled customers.”
The Llangunnor McOutlet is run by a frachise called Lonetree. The company’s MD, Ron Mounsey, defended in a letter to Ms Finch’s representative, her mother: “I am aware of the circumstances of your daughter’s dismissal, where she has admitted giving away food to someone without receiving payment. This is classed as gross misconduct as per my employee handbook, the consequences is [sic] dismissal.
“My managers acted correctly according to my policies and I fully uphold their decisions. They followed to the letter the disciplinary procedures of my company which should you be successful in taking my company to an employment tribunal will I’m confident be upheld.
“You may feel that it is trivial, but with 740 employees in my business then if my management team were just to overlook such incidents then quickly it would become a free for all.*
“This is and always has been a dismissable offence in my business and there are reminder notices in every one of my staff rooms reminding employees of this policy as well as the Employee Handbook. Employees are aware of the risk they take should they decide to do this. This will continue to be the case.” ®
Bootnote
*Mounsey may have a point. If his 740 employees were each to give their workmates an extra dose of McFlurry chocolate pieces – let’s say one gram a shot – every time the greedy bastards wanted a “nice one” – let’s say that’s one colleague request per employee per day – that’d be 740g of choc bits per day, or a staggering 270kg of chocolate a year.
Since McDonald’s allegedly only uses the finest ingredients, presumably similar, for example, to Dark Origin Ecuador (£3.50 for 50g at today’s online market price), the potential hit to the company coffers is a McMagnificent £18,900 per annum.
The profligate Ms Finch, before she was given her McMarching orders, was earning around £180 a week. Even on that impressive salary, it would take her a tad over two years to repay the freebie chocolate bill.’
CREDITS:
Author/ By: Lester Haines
Source: The Register Online Mag
Published: Saturday 29-September-2012.
Posted to The Register ‘Bootnotes‘ : Thursday 27-September-2012 : 09:19GMT
===================================================
ODA take on this one:
Just how far can you push it ?
‘Many of us – most, perhaps – have carelessly spoken of putting a rocket up someone’s backside. But now, a pioneering Australian researcher has shown that in fact this would be a highly unwise act: not only would the recipient of the combustibles be unlikely to be galvanised into helpful activity, he or she might also wind up in the cooler helping the police with their enquiries.
We know this thanks to a searing report by the Sydney Morning Herald, chronicling the misadventures of an unnamed man in Darwin who had evidently decided to find out for himself the effects of posterior explosives emplacement.
To do the man credit he chose himself as the experimental subject.
“A young male decided to place a firework between the cheeks of his bottom and light it,”
Senior Sergeant Garry Smith of the local police told the newspaper.
Rather than causing him to do his job better and faster or similar, it seems that the backside blast actually had the effect of causing the man – perhaps a student of management studies or the psychology of motivation – to seek immediate medical assistance.
‘Paramedics were called although the man had reportedly already taken himself to hospital by the time they arrived,’ reports the SMH. It appears that the bold researcher may have to be airlifted to a specialist Australian burns unit where experts in injuries of this type are available. (The existence of this burns unit, we feel, is heartwarming).
The possibility exists of course that the episode was not motivated by linguistic or psychological research (as in previous cases where the term ‘thinking outside the box’ was investigated by university academics with the use of some large boxes). The alternative and perhaps more likely explanation – and the one the police are pursuing – is that of drunken tomfoolishness.
‘Alcohol was a possible factor’ according to local plods, the SMH also reports.
Such was also the case in the similarly eye-watering “Bumfire Night” incident some years ago, in which a British soldier similarly discovered the actual effects similar of putting a rocket up his arse.
To add even more zest to the proceedings:
Even once his burns have healed, the nameless Australian at the centre of today’s story may find his troubles are not over. There are suggestions that he may find himself hit with a hefty fine by the Aussie fuzz for possession of a firework outside the approved period
(In The Northern Territory, one may only legally let off fireworks on the 1 July,
the anniversary of the state being awarded self-governance). ®
CREDITS:
Source: The Register Online Mag
Date of Pubn / Issue: Wednesday 01-August-2012.
===================================================
McFuck-Off:
Middleborough, Massachusetts, USA:
Swearing in public now brings and on the spot fine of $20
by New Local Bye-Law. 🙁
CREDITS:
Source: The Independent UK Newspaper
Date: Wednesday 13-June-2012.
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Pretentious, Moi ? – etc:
Seen on the side of an Ice-Cream Delivery Van:
‘Ice-Cream World’ – ‘Focusing on Ice-Cream Logistics’
CREDITS:
! Uz !
Date: PM Monday 25-June-2012.
Source: As/ above : Errrrrr . . . . …… Seen written on the side of the above van (when parked outside Gibbs Corner Shop, Stockport)
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ALTRUISM STARTS AT HOME – a la US . . . ………… AGAIN:
A SICK NOTE:
From the piece immediately below – An update:
The hitch-hiking photographer who captured the hearts of a nation after being shot while researching ‘The Kindness of America’, has admitted administering the lead supplement himself and making the rest of the tale up.
Authorities in Montana are considering whether to charge Ray Dolin over the whole sorry saga.
Sheriffs subsequently arrested 52 year old Lloyd Danielson, who was slapped with charges of felony assault.
Dolin, for his part, was then surfing a wave of public sympathy from his hospital bed, practically assured of a guaranteed audience for the putative book.
Sadly for Danielson, while he is off the hook for shooting Dolin, as of Friday he was still facing a possible charge of being under the influence when he was arrested. ®
🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁
CREDITS:
Date: Tuesday 19-June-2012.
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag.
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ALTRUISM a la US:
A gentleman on a hitch-hiking research tour of The US was shot by a passing light trucker.
The subject of the research and title of his project – a proposed book: ‘The Kindness of America’.
Ray Dolin, was hitch-hiking on Highway 2 in Montana on Saturday last as part of a project to produce a memoir on the great things about the open road in the big country. He was sitting on his backpack, just west of of the town of Glasgow in the early evening, when a pickup truck slowed down. However, rather than extending the offer of a ride, the driver extended a gun out of the window and shot Mr Dolin in the arm.
Known aftermath to date of this pub:
Mr D is expected to survive and come to good.
The local Plods are still searching for the driver.
😐
CREDITS:
Date: Wednesday 13-June-2012.
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag.
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Tuesday 01-MAY-2012 : A SPRING THOUGHT :
A reminder of the observation of
The Chief Advisor to the Deutsh Bundesbank
at the start of The Euro launch:
‘The Euro – A bad idea whose time has come’
CREDITS:
Date: As/ above – Just before the launch of Ye Euro.
Source: Many & Various.
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COOPERATIVE NEWS:
mssrs BJ Wholesale Club (effectively the local Coop) of Westborough, Massachusetts, USA.
were concerned that a recent perishable consignment to them was oversize for their usual intakes of prime steaks + lobster meant for breakdown for the distribution to local domestic customers. On closer examination of the consignment packaging it was found to be a corpse which should have been delivered to a location 1500 miles away.
The club graciously forwarded the ‘consignment’ onwards with an enclosed note that they also do a nice line in coffins.
CREDITS:
Date: Monday 23-April-2012.
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag (initial + main piece)
+
From Others reports similar
——————————————————————————————–
IT NEWS:
ref Rusty Gates – Again:
ref Iceland (The bankrupt whale butty eaters, not the frozen food shop):
Are going over to Linux open source for all Government / public services other.
Norway did the same ~3 years ago with no signs of reversion since.
Well just who would have guessed this might be ? ? ? ? ? ?
Oh, deary deary me Mr Gates,
Oh, deary, deary me Mr Gates.
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
CREDITS:
Date: Thursday 29-March-2012.
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag.
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ASTRONOMICAL (!) NEWS:
As the new generation of space telescopes wind-up to full working capacity the data is coming in:
Appears there’s a distinct poss, if not prob, of
there being billions of ‘hard’ (ie solid rock/ none gaseous) planets in the universe.
Well just who would have guessed that might be ? ? ? ? ? ?
Oh, deary deary me Hr Pope,
Oh, deary, deary me Hr Pope.
(+ Same to affiliated firms)
🙁 / 🙂
CREDITS:
Date: Thursday 29-March-2012.
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag.
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RECYCLING NEWS:
Northern seaside resort local corporation (name given by BBC / withheld by us)
complains that the growth and success,
financed mainly from legacies of dead residents,
of their sponsored sea view benches appeal,
which has provided so many benches along the sea front,
that there is now nearly no space between many bench ends and the next !
The above would be a source of some very low level amusement to this column,
BUT for the previous and repetitive reports from The BBC News programmes various,
of continual metal thefts across the area and country at large,
including park and seaside benches !
CREDITS:
Date: ~18.30 hrs Wednesday 14-March-2012.
Source: BBC News North West Programme.
===================================================
2011:
‘DEFENCE’ NEWS:
The Yanks are going-over to using Linux for their spy drones !
Apparently MS won’t do as it’s told + keeps fucking itself up, AND, would you believe it (?),
naughty people have found it easy to twiddle with from their own mobile smart thingys !
Well just who would have guessed that might happen ???
Oh, Rusty, Rusty Gates,
Oh, Rusty, Rusty Gates.
🙁 / 🙂
CREDITS:
Date: 2011-Dec
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag.
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SEEN ON T-SHIRT:
‘Beer Disposal Unit’
CREDITS:
! Uz !
Date: 2011-Sep
Source: Some Bloke walking across Stockport Indoor Market
——————————————————————————————-
SEEN ON T-SHIRT:
(In fucking *GREAT BIG black on white lettering):
*’KETAMINE
Just say
Neigh h h h h h h h h h’
CREDITS:
! Uz !
Date: 2011-Aug
Source: Some Bloke walking across Hyde Market.
===================================================
2010:
NAUGHTY DATA:
mssrs ‘LoveHoney’ Sex Toys Ltd UK have found from analysis of the sales data of their www online orders received,
that they get far more orders from Apple/iPad/iPhone users than they do from from std Microsoft based computer users
AND
The iThingy users spend ~TWICE as much /order than the rusty-Gates lot !
Well there we are, Just the hand-Jobs, we think 🙂
CREDITS:
Date: Wednesday 07-July-2010.
Source: The Register on-line IT Industry Mag.
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SCIENCE NEWS:
You know you’re supposed to replace a safety helmet every so often
as it has degraded by exposure to UV + knocks minor; and no bugger ever does so on time . . . … well:
Jerry research lab Fraunhofer Gmbh have found a way to make you change it on time:
They’ve incorporated micro stink capsules in the plastics which break with either age,
or the cracking of a big wallop.
Smells like H2(SO)2
CREDITS:
Date: 2010-Sep
Source: The Register IT Industry Online Mag.
——————————————————————————————-
WHAT’S IN A NAME ???:
Never Say You’ve Got Probs:
US Sugar Industry Researcher:
Prof Pucker-Pesker !
CREDITS:
Date: Sunday 16-May-2010.
Source: Radio 4 Food Prog.
===================================================
2009:
THE MANC NAVY:
HMS Manchester has been run-in by
HM Customs & Excise
for smuggling dope
after returning from the high seas off Ecuador . . . …
doing a drug policing exercise . . . …
Moz expects every man to do his duty-free.
! Mancunnia Rules The Waves !
CREDITS:
Date: 2009-Oct
Source: Just about every bugger !
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POLITICAL NEWS:
The Australian Sex Party are to ‘stand’ in the next Oz elections
CREDITS:
Date: 2009-Oct
Sources: Many&Various !
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STATIONARY NEWS:
WH Smith here issue a public apology for including in their
‘Gifts for Fathers Day 2009 book list
‘The Life of Josef Fritzel’ 😐
CREDITS:
Date: Tuesday 06-October-2009.
Source: The London Evening Standards Mag – ‘London Life’
——————————————————————————————-
H&princesseS:
Sign on base of Tesco Bucket:
Caution – Keep away from children. May aid drowning.
CREDITS:
Date: 2009-Sep
Source: A Tesco Bucket. 😐 😐 😐
Comment:
What next – A ‘No-Smoking’ sign on the bog door
(in case of methane explosion ? ! ?) 😐
——————————————————————————————-
H&S:
From a ‘Tool Box’ Talk / Briefing given to Amey Motorway Staff in 2009
ref The then current epidemic outbreak of swine-flu:
All Ops are instructed as to:
Gen observation – probability of symptoms experienced + seen in others
relating to the flu + the reporting thereof.
(Fair Enough. Ed)
Gen hygiene precautions incl wiping down of vehicle controls + hand tools at start/end of shift –
(ie Before handover to/ picking-up from others)
with the provided sterilizing alcohol fluid + wipes + use of face masks when thought at risk
(Fair enough again – Where we going with this – ? Ed.)
All 26 of attendees to briefing were then given the same
Attendance & Receipt of Brief Sheet to sign – With the same pen.
😐 😐 😐
CREDITS:
Date: 2009-Jul
Sources: A. Nomyminous
===================================================
2008:
HARDLY REQUIRED & EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES (to make a TOTAL arse of themselves):
Airport Managers have sent potential air traffic controllers job application forms in Braille !
Just to be PC and comply with equal opportunity commission guidelines.
CREDITS:
Date: 2008-Jun
Source: *The Daily Express
[ *Sorry about that : Still, we try to say ‘all tastes catered for’ but that’s pushed our envelope ! 😐 ]
===================================================
2007:
COURT NEWS:
Northampton:
Crown Ct Judge:
‘I’m quite used to Police incompetence,
but not being able to find someone for 4 years
despite him not moving address since offence
AND
continuing to sign the LA voters register, pay LA rates, work + pay taxes,
is a disgrace’
ref Crown v Nicholas Greenhood
[Mr Greenhood ‘borrowed’ £160K’s worth of confusers from Ingram Micro Ltd.
And then sold them ton tintterweb in original wrappings with Ingram markings still on]
Oh deary,deary me. 🙁
CREDITS:
Date: 2007-Jul
Sources: Lost it !!! – Must do me research and update.
Ed.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
THE SUB-NOTES STANDING, STD & USUAL:
VERGESSEN SIE NICHT:
IF NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS,
HOW COME THE BASTARDS KEEP MANUFACTURING IT ?
Oportet Operam Dore
However, me thinks, it just depends what you’re working at. 😐
Old : Ed.
And, don’t forget, ODA, supports, the Oxford,.
+
! HELP ! – THEY’VE GOT OUR DNA !
! STOP PRESS !
An Inverse But Still Tasteful Marketing Promotion:
THE MERCHANDISE SHOP IS SHUT:
🙁
CLOSED FOR RE-FURB’ UNTIL
AUTUMN 2013 (Rev 1)
SEE THE NEARLY HEAD OF PAGE NOTICES
TO NEARLY THE HEAD OF THE WOM PAGE !
! BUY ODA T-SHIRTS WHEN WE RE-OPEN
(YOU BASTARDS) !
Or the girl gets it !
(I wish – PLEASE don’t tell Mrs Ed)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
DON’T FORGET:
Dressing well and looking good are essential.
A purpose in life is not.
Pinched from: Dear Oscar (who else ?)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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All times noted to writings to >Railway Time=London Greenwich< * PROPER.
None of that funny foreign ‘Eastern Seaboard Time’ etc
(Which they use in Buckie)
or even any of that UDT. (Lark wot owr milkman ‘as)
* GMT. + When in season, easy-read BST.
(Which surprisingly contains no added E-Numbers, hydrogenated oils or salt
and is thought to be non-fattening and harmless to animals)
May Might Does not contain nuts.
(Noted for the sake of any passing plebs who may might be considering it
for referral to their social worker as grounds for their next claim)